How do you talk to other women?

[littlepieces]

I've always found making friendships, or even just conversation, with women really difficult, I feel like there's something I'm just not getting. I much prefer the company of men and find them much easier to talk to, easier to maintain relationships with, and much easier to sort of read I suppose. I also never really know what to say to women? With men I just have a laugh, but women don't really communicate like that. What do you talk about with other women? Anyone else similar? Or have any advice?

Eg. I went for a try out at a sports club recently. Another woman around my age was also there for the first time, so I said hi it's my first time here too, haven't played for a while not sure what to expect etc. She just looked at me like I'd spoken in a foreign language, and said nothing back. I tried again, but just got a brief laugh humouring me. And then later we had to pair up for a warm up and I turned to her to ask if she wanted to pair up and she turned immediately away and asked someone else. I don't look unusual or anything so have absolutely no idea what that was all about, but would say that's pretty typical of my social failings!

I talk to men and women the same I think. I've found most men to be friendlier to me and some women more frosty. At the risk of sounding big headed I've made money from my looks in the past so I'm alright looking and probably stand out a bit. And some other women have taken issue with this. It was interesting when I gained a few stone after my kids that women had more time for me.

[quote Apguh]@littlepieces I THINK - because I'm not sure, with females, compliments work well to start with. But be prepared to listen. I think perhaps saying nice hair, or some something else that u like. Nice shoes? That may get a conversation going. Most Females care very much about appearance and want to chat about hair, make up, bags, shoes etc. I'm just guessing here. [/quote]
ODFOD

@VashtaNerada

I think part of the issue is you seem to have learnt that all men behave one way and all women behave another. In reality all men and all women have different personalities, conversation styles, ability to open up to strangers etc. Perhaps you’re treating all women as if they’re one entity and they’re picking up on that? Not everyone wants to chat to strangers, and this can be the case for both men and women.

This.

@furbabymama87

I talk to men and women the same I think. I've found most men to be friendlier to me and some women more frosty. At the risk of sounding big headed I've made money from my looks in the past so I'm alright looking and probably stand out a bit. And some other women have taken issue with this. It was interesting when I gained a few stone after my kids that women had more time for me.

Isn't that a problem with men too, though? I've noticed comments from both men and women about good looking women at work being 'stuck up' or similar, judged solely on their looks (and perhaps a shy personality).

@furbabymama87

I talk to men and women the same I think. I've found most men to be friendlier to me and some women more frosty. At the risk of sounding big headed I've made money from my looks in the past so I'm alright looking and probably stand out a bit. And some other women have taken issue with this. It was interesting when I gained a few stone after my kids that women had more time for me.

Correlation isn't causation and all that.

Maybe it had more to do with having children in common, the women you were crossing paths with at that time, different behaviour on your part, etc.

I find it very easy to speak to other women, I've made friends with women just through chatting in a queue or asking where the loos/car park/till is. There's no need to make it a big deal or compliment their appearance unless you're chatting them up.

Remember that most women alone in public will not want to talk to a random stranger talking about themselves. If it's someone at work, sat next to you at a wedding or introduced to you by a friend, then it's normal to approach them and introduce yourself. But don't harass some poor woman in a sports club and then be miffed that she didn't become your bestie after one sentence.

I speak to everyone the same way. Women are just people, not aliens.

I'm sorry, but there is no way that every woman you speak to is unresponsive. Its simply not possible. I don't care how much of a 'blokey' woman you are, how pretty you are/jealous of you you think they are, or whatever daft reason you've come up with to justify your prejudice towards women, you are wrong. Women are not an homogeneous mass who all want the same conversation, they are as individual as you are. Some you will gel with, others not. You'd find it a lot easier to just treat people as people, rather than approaching women from such a silly and insulting stand point.

Growing up my mother was cold and disinterested, I was closer to my father which no doubt is the root cause of all my misogynist problems Actually, I have Asperger's which is also probably useful to know, but didn't mention this because I didn't feel like I had to.

Also didn't just approach the woman at the sports club out of the blue either, she was signing the new starter forms at the same time as me at the reception, so I thought I'd make conversation. In future I will just not say a word to anyone unless spoken to I guess?

littlepieces just take it slower. Greet people and ask one casual question, even an essentially meaningless one, like "oh are you new here too?" then leave it open. That goes for both men and women though, it's not specific advice for talking to women.

Of course you don't have to tell randoms on the internet that you have aspergers, but it might mean that you get more useful advice instead of us assuming that there's something else going on, given that we can't see how you're behaving, whether you are in fact a woman not a teenaged boy, whether you have convinced yourself that all women are jealous of your beauty or whatever.

@littlepieces

Also didn't just approach the woman at the sports club out of the blue either, she was signing the new starter forms at the same time as me at the reception, so I thought I'd make conversation. In future I will just not say a word to anyone unless spoken to I guess?

How did you get that from people suggesting you start slower with simple friendly greetings?

@littlepieces

Growing up my mother was cold and disinterested, I was closer to my father which no doubt is the root cause of all my misogynist problems Actually, I have Asperger's which is also probably useful to know, but didn't mention this because I didn't feel like I had to.

I had a similar upbringing to you and have found that this has made me a bit mistrustful of other women, and this subconsciously affects how I interact with them. This was also a bit of a family ethos that women were gossips, second class, etc and men were much more capable and able, so I’ve had to battle feeling this myself at times too. Many years ago, I just thought men were easier to get on with and I was more like them, I now recognise it as my intrinsic beliefs affecting my ability to socialise with women

[quote Apguh]@littlepieces I THINK - because I'm not sure, with females, compliments work well to start with. But be prepared to listen. I think perhaps saying nice hair, or some something else that u like. Nice shoes? That may get a conversation going. Most Females care very much about appearance and want to chat about hair, make up, bags, shoes etc. I'm just guessing here. [/quote]
Yeah, no. “Females” don’t all care about their appearance.

OP I would have been really pleased for someone to start a convo at a new club. In fact when I first joined up for tennis lessons at my gym I partnered up with another woman and as we left we swapped numbers so that we could arrange to practice together between lessons. As it happened we were both quite busy and then I quit tennis so it never happened but I’m always open to having a chat and if that led to someone trying to make friends I’d be delighted. Don’t give up talking to women altogether. But also do check the misogynistic attitude and stop grouping people into “men are like this, women are like this”! It’s not true or helpful.

Asperger's often goes with a very diret style, so it's not at all what you talked to her about, you may have been too loud or too 'heavy'/assertive in your manner, which some women would like but some may find intimidating. It can of course be that she is just unfriendly, but as you say it's typical of your interaction, it could be that.
I get on better with men too, - they tend to take things at face value, whereas with some women you chat and it's hard to tell what they are thinking, as if they are holding back a lot. Maybe many expect a more sensitive/slow approach.

I've found most men to be friendlier to me and some women more frosty. At the risk of sounding big headed I've made money from my looks in the past so I'm alright looking and probably stand out a bit. And some other women have taken issue with this. It was interesting when I gained a few stone after my kids that women had more time for me.

^

Same here. Hard to negotiate. I find good looking women aren't as threatened

[quote Apguh]@littlepieces I THINK - because I'm not sure, with females, compliments work well to start with. But be prepared to listen. I think perhaps saying nice hair, or some something else that u like. Nice shoes? That may get a conversation going. Most Females care very much about appearance and want to chat about hair, make up, bags, shoes etc. I'm just guessing here. [/quote]
Are you Mr Collins from Pride and Prejudice?

That woman was just a rude pig OP. I'd have got my passive aggressive big-guns out to deal with her.

I've learned over the years that waiting and watching a couple of times when in a new group is pretty useful. Helps to identify the friendlier funnier ones, the closed cliques, the people on their own. Then a couple of neutral questions, see if they respond with more than one word answers. Take it gradually, session to session.

I agree that men are easier to break into a chat with than women when you're young. In middle age it seems to switch.

Tbf in general women and men are socialised (strongly!) to certain topics with same sex acquaintances. And there are general ones across both.

General is things like. Comment on weather. How's work. Something crap/ good that you both are familiar with- lockdown god I'm sick of it. There's a new restaurant opening in X! Etc.

Standard male specific neutral chat with acquaintances is invariably sport esp football. (DH no interest football but I laughed when realises he skims sports news so aware of goings on!).

Standard female specific neutral chat with acquaintances can often be mutual admiration of hair/ shoes etc and where did you get them etc.

Note. None of this is about actually being interested. It's just there to ease social interactions with same sex.. In a way that is usually bland, impersonal, expected etc.

I can do the women standard thing. DH keeps up to date with the male standard thing!

This does not mean even slightly that is what men/ women are actually interested in as individuals. That comes later as you get to know each other and become closer.

Yes some men and some women are really interested in the standard bland topics.

Surely the vast majority of people don't think those bland topics are always genuine massive interests and what they talk about with good friends? Surely!

With men I just have a laugh, but women don't really communicate like that

Well yes, I'm a woman and I don't communicate like that. I just don't "get" the idea that conversation is about having a laugh. What about finding out about the other person ? At your sports meet, maybe if you'd asked this woman " do you enjoy playing xyz ?" instead of immediately telling her about yourself , I said hi it's my first time here too, haven't played for a while not sure what to expect etc That might have smoothed the path of conversation a bit better.

In the instance that you mention, there may have been something else going on , ie language barrier or maybe she was upset about something unknown to you. But in general , I always find that it makes the conversation flow if I show an interest in the other person and actually listen to what they say ( rather than thinking of what I'm going to say next).

'Yeah, no. “Females” don’t all care about their appearance'

I think the vast majority of people are happy to get a compliment! And loads of blokes are VERY interested in their appearance, enjoy clothes shopping, and are interested in labels etc. DH and some of his mates. Wayyyy more than loads of women!

Everyone enjoys a genuine compliment. And it's easy. Man. Oh you've grown a beard/ shaved it. Looks good! I like your jacket where's it from? You've got a new piercing! Awesome. I like your t-shirt. Blah blah.

Women same. Lovely top really suits you. Your tattoo is gorgeous! Great walking boots they look really comfy and sturdy where are they from? Your nails are done so well they're amazing. Etc.

I mean not hard. It's usually pretty easy to see what someone will react well to at a glance. And also see something that you can compliment honestly even if not your thing...

I have enough friends and don't want more. I make friends easily (factual but sounds big headed but relevant!).

I am also quite picky I suppose. I only want friends I find I really click with. I have no interest with men or women in meeting up and chuntering away about boring shit over cake and coffee.

I think OP with the woman was too much.

Smile fine.
While doing forms say oh you're a newby too haha then go back to form. She wants to talk she will reply. If not.. Leave it.
I would have felt really hunted by op multiple approaches! I mean strangers you have no idea. Caution/ caginess is normal esp if keep at it.

Are there a lot of men on this thread? Because there's a lot of stereotyping and cool girl try-harding that doesn't ring true to how women behave in RL with other women. Maybe it's the internalised misogyny that puts other women off but makes you attractive to male friends.

Not sure i'd agree with that cheese, as a shy person i'd probably run a mile if a stranger started showering me with compliments, i'd find it intimidating

I am however, socially awkward to the extreme and tend to keep my mouth shut because I can guarantee something silly will come out!

That was in response to your 2.12 post btw, i'm a slow typer