Family fall out over my new job

[Missmaya]

NC as this could be really outing

I'm a clinician in the NHS and I recently applied for a promoted post. I work office ours right now and the new post is a mix of office hours and shift work. I was unexpectedly successful at interview and was offered a post. I was feeling really stuck in the job I was in and needed a new challenge. The new post is in a new developing service and really caught my eye. I applied even though I don't have experience in that particular field. I was absolutely over the moon when I was offered the job

My parents have went absolutely mental. My mum said I was selfish I never think about anyone but myself I'm taking this new job just to suit myself and I never think about how my actions affect other people. She also said my life is too chaotic and I make bad decisions. She said it's going to be bad for my DC's they always have chaotic lives without me working shift work as well.

FYI - DH is a teacher we don't really need that much in the way of childcare. My mum works in the school my DC's attend. The odd time she takes them home with her and keeps them for about half an hour until DH gets home. So this is nothing to do with childcare. Even the taking them home is because she chooses to we are very lucky we have loads of family around us and other means so we don't "rely" on her if that makes any sense.

She also kept saying I can't cope with the job I have now (no idea where she gets that from she has no concept of what my job even is) how will I cope with a band 6. Also she kept saying it's "came out of the blue" which again isn't true as I've been thinking of moving on for a while.

I was absolutely distraught. My dad at least said well done she said she can't congratulate me because she doesn't understand it.

I got so upset and told my mum I can't believe her reaction she's being totallt out of order and even if she thinks it's the wrong choice she should respect it is my choice and be happy for my achievement. She said I'm putting my career before my DC's.

Now my dad's fell out with me for disrespecting my mum aka standing up for myself.

It all seems a lot of pressure. Congratulations and Best for the job, the best way to prove to Family is when you are a success and get offered the next promotion after a couple of years.
BTW are you all in UK? Other traditions/cultures?

My mother in particular struggles with that and I think sees my career progression almost as a direct rejection of her life choices.

This rings bells. My mother used to be weird about stuff like this, and it didn't help. I have done the sacrifice for working round my children and husband and, frankly, if one of my daughters was doing what you are doing, I would be bloody proud.

This is how women's careers falter.

It is up to you and your DH to work together and make it work for you.

My DM is a bit like this. My DSis owned her own home & had to work full-time after she split up with her ex in order to pay the mortgage. My DM offered childcare support because "women have kids just to chuck them into nurseries", but then moaned constantly about "having to bring up her kids", despite knowing the financial situation and how awful DSis felt about it all.

When I was prioritising my education she kept asking when I would buy a house or have kids. When I had kids, she asked when I'd be going back to work because I "could do better".

Basically, it amounts to jealousy on her part, of which she's entirely unaware.

The Band 6 job sounds amazing. Well done on getting it! Don't be dictated to by your DMs life choices.

she doesnt sound very nice at all i hope she isnt projecting this on to your dc

Congratulations!

My mum cried and cried and said some horrible when I told her I was going back to work after a years maternity leave so you have my sympathy!

Only you know what works for you. My mum did apologise further down the line.

A good mother is proud of her children and their choices and achievements, not jealous of them. Being a good mother is not just about cleaning behind the fridge and a routine that fits around the children.

And I'm saying this as someone who was a stay at home mother for a number of years.

Your kids will be proud of you and your career. It also sounds like you and your husband are a real team, which is great after you've been put down by your parents for all these years that you've broken that cycle.

Don't try and please your mum. Don't try and get her to validate your choices because she won't. If she's snarky, pull her up on it. If you're dad is snarky in response, pull him up too.

I'm not even related to you and I'm proud of you. Well done!

Congratulations on the job, life is too short to not be happy and if this job makes you happy or relights your fire, your kids will definitely benefit from that and so will your husband. You do you and let her burn herself out. I knkw this doesn’t help you with your mum though

I would see your mum with/without the kids if/when you want to but not involve at all in any looking after them.

Don't ever mentioned being tired or anything that she can pick up as you not coping.

I'd back right away & tell her next to nothing!

Congratulations OP!! 👏👏👏🍾🥂

Lots of stuff going on with your mum I suspect - probably jealousy, and perhaps a feeling that her life choices are being criticised. Women’s lives have changed dramatically and this stuff gets thrown up a fair bit. I also suspect that while she may not like you living in a council house, she may also have the feeling you will eventually motor beyond her position (or however you want to phrase it) in life and that is making her angry/jealous/frightened/uncomfortable. You Dad is trying to keep the peace mostly.

It doesn’t sound like your mum’s different values really bother you, so don’t bother drilling in too much. She has got herself worked up - just give her space and let her calm down. Once she has c come back to earth, just develop some stock phrases you can you use to state your position, without getting into it eg ‘we all have different ways of doing things / the kids are happy so the way we live is working for us / I know a super clean house matters to you, but there are other things I prefer to do with my time / I want to contribute through my work / I think me having a god career is important inspiration to my kids / we are all different mum - there’s more than one way to do things.

If she starts acting up, you may need to re-arrange childcare.

Your mum is totally out of order. Your dad is defending his wife which is what a husband should do imo so no comment on that.

Your mum sounds exactly the same as mine. 100% all choices were around her kids, dinner on the table for my dad each night, "gold standard" of mothering. However...thst gold standard of mothering extends to encouraging us to succeed in life. If I wanted to be a housewife or a hot shot lawyer she'd support me the exact same as long as I'm happy in life. That's what a good mum does. My siblings and I grew up knowing our parents had our back no matter what. I'm sorry they aren't being supportive but they absolutely don't want you to be happy of it means you do something they don't agree with. Stand up for yourself and let them know the comments are offensive and out of line. She needs to accept that you are not her. Why did she have kids if she won't accept that you might make choices she doesn't agree with and love you regardless?!

Perhaps your mum is jealous and thinks you should stay at home. Her reaction comes across like that to me.

Congratulations, as long as your DH is supportive and you think you're capable of it go for it.

Congrats on the promotion OP!

My DM has made similar comments whenever I have done well at work or had a promotion etc. Strangely, she takes a completely different view when it's DH
She reminded me recently that I have young children who I should be prioritising (they are 14 and 11). Every time I speak to her she tells me not to work too hard. This means that I no longer talk to her about work, or about much else either! Feeling judged all the time is not great. She provides us with no practical help or support, so it really has got nothing to do with her. I would just recommend cutting the flow of information to her and being proud of yourself even if she can't be proud of you.

13:41Natty13

Your dad is defending his wife which is what a husband should do imo

He is codependent and an enabler in a toxic family.

@sparklefarts

Your mum is a knob

This - back away, you'll never be good enough for her

Make childcare arrangements and go VERY LOW contact

Well done on getting your band 6! It’s an achievement and it took me ages to get mine. Don’t let your mum put a dampener on it. She sounds jealous

Your mum is being a knob. It probably doesn’t help l can imagine my mum saying this kind of nonsense. My mum is hyper competitive so it annoys her l have 2 degrees and lm professionally way more successful. Her thing is going on about us living in a flat “how annoying it must me” and “she could never do it”. Bet she’s going to be well annoyed next week when we move into our 3 bedroom house which is bigger than hers. I’m sure she will try to piss our parade by starting to go on about us having no drive . Drives aren’t the norm near here and would most likely need us having to spend another £20-30k

@StEval

13:41Natty13

Your dad is defending his wife which is what a husband should do imo

He is codependent and an enabler in a toxic family.

Yes i was thinking the exact same, my dad is my mums foot soldier. She really hurt me and i told her, and he gave out to me 🙄 How can they not hear the contradictory nonsense coming out of their own mouths.

Congratulations OP!🥳

Your mum has some old-fashioned ideas. My mum would be cheering me on! My daughter doesn't plan to have a "stable" career but I want her to do all the things that make her happy. I myself work shifts...and her dad has co-parented with me to ensure our girl is looked after properly. All this nonsense about women still NEEDING to make compromises...if you have a partner who is capable to do 50%+ of the parenting, the kids will be ok.

If your DH had decided to leave his teaching job and do something better paid but with mire unsocial hours, would your mum be making this much fuss?

Congrats on your new job.

Why is your mother so involved in your career choices and your personal business? When I read the title of your post, I thought it was your DH that had the problem. I truly don't understand why people let their parents be so involved. You're a married adult and don't have to tell the parents everything in your life. And their opinions of your and DH's life doesn't really matter at all.

Tell her that your choices are between you and DH and you don't want to hear her criticism. Then stop telling her everything because you know how she is. She's not happy for you and wants to bring you down for some reason. End the convo if she starts any nonsense.

@RosesAndHellebores

Your mum is in the wrong but when you shared "we aren't dependent on her for childcare, but sometimes she takes the DC home for half an hour before dh gets in" did make me wonder a little about whether you fully appreciate that.

If your mum didn't do that you would either have to pay for after school club, a childminder or one of you would have to work child friendly hours. You do realise that some families have no help with childcare whatsoever, even in an emergency?

I'd like to hear your mum's side and can't help wondering what her side of this is.

No MIL would do it. I know that sounds flippant but it's the truth. MIL would do anything for us but I have to have my mum do it otherwise DM would crack up and accuse me of deliberately keeping the DCs away from her.

She will say things like "why would you ask MIL when I'm here"

No MIL would do it. I know that sounds flippant but it's the truth. MIL would do anything for us but I have to have my mum do it otherwise DM would crack up and accuse me of deliberately keeping the DCs away from her.

Your mum's really quite self-centred, isn't she? Bit unfair on the kids to edge their other grandmother out.

Sorry I was at a party with DD we are now having dinner but that comment stuck out to me. Inwill go through and try and answer/ clarify as much as I can soon

Well clearly you have options for a huge amount of unpaid help. I am afraid that absolutely huge favour means you have to take the opinions of others into account. You have no idea what the real world is like, with its associated costs, for people who have no help other than that which they pay for. You sound very entitled to me but then I'm 61 with grown up children and will not be providing free childcare. I may for a day each for them when the time comes but I certainly won't be doing it. I did my time with zero help.

Those asking about DH - he is absolutely proud as punch! He encouraged me and supported me. In fact ... This time last week I was sitting at the laptop doing my presentation and DH was standing ironing all the uniforms!

Re the "chaos" DM and dsis are completely anal and run a tight ship. They are the most organised people I have ever come across. I am not. I'm always a bit last minute, I have lists about lists, and have to set myself reminders about things. I actually think I may have undiagnosed ADD. I'm just not a naturally organised person but it doesn't hold me back I have strategies I use.

@RosesAndHellebores

Well clearly you have options for a huge amount of unpaid help. I am afraid that absolutely huge favour means you have to take the opinions of others into account. You have no idea what the real world is like, with its associated costs, for people who have no help other than that which they pay for. You sound very entitled to me but then I'm 61 with grown up children and will not be providing free childcare. I may for a day each for them when the time comes but I certainly won't be doing it. I did my time with zero help.

This is actually not true. All of my DC's went to paid nursery until the went to school. I've used breakfast clubs. I've just never used after school clubs as DM and mil have helped at those times.

I have also had to work "family friendly" jobs before dh was a teacher and I had to

It actually sounds like you and your DH are an excellent team! I do think that sometimes women who take on all the ‘wife work’ load either have a pretty useless husband or like been needed (maybe a bit too much).
And opinions are like arses - everyone one has one 😄