Family fall out over my new job

[Missmaya]

NC as this could be really outing

I'm a clinician in the NHS and I recently applied for a promoted post. I work office ours right now and the new post is a mix of office hours and shift work. I was unexpectedly successful at interview and was offered a post. I was feeling really stuck in the job I was in and needed a new challenge. The new post is in a new developing service and really caught my eye. I applied even though I don't have experience in that particular field. I was absolutely over the moon when I was offered the job

My parents have went absolutely mental. My mum said I was selfish I never think about anyone but myself I'm taking this new job just to suit myself and I never think about how my actions affect other people. She also said my life is too chaotic and I make bad decisions. She said it's going to be bad for my DC's they always have chaotic lives without me working shift work as well.

FYI - DH is a teacher we don't really need that much in the way of childcare. My mum works in the school my DC's attend. The odd time she takes them home with her and keeps them for about half an hour until DH gets home. So this is nothing to do with childcare. Even the taking them home is because she chooses to we are very lucky we have loads of family around us and other means so we don't "rely" on her if that makes any sense.

She also kept saying I can't cope with the job I have now (no idea where she gets that from she has no concept of what my job even is) how will I cope with a band 6. Also she kept saying it's "came out of the blue" which again isn't true as I've been thinking of moving on for a while.

I was absolutely distraught. My dad at least said well done she said she can't congratulate me because she doesn't understand it.

I got so upset and told my mum I can't believe her reaction she's being totallt out of order and even if she thinks it's the wrong choice she should respect it is my choice and be happy for my achievement. She said I'm putting my career before my DC's.

Now my dad's fell out with me for disrespecting my mum aka standing up for myself.

She is being ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing but my advice to her (not that she'd want it) is to keep her nose out.

I've got 4 grown up kids, sometimes they make a decision that I wouldn't, so what? They have no idea of which things I think are great and which ones might worry me a bit, I am always positive and supportive and if she was the amazing mother she thinks she is she would understand that as it is the minimum an OK mum would do let alone an amazing one.

If I was you and just say you've heard what she's said and thought about it and you're taking the job. Ask her if she isn't happy about helping with the kids and offer to make other arrangements if she is finding it too much. And then get on with your life, no need to fall out, she will get over it.

Congratulations on the job. Onwards and upwards.

Congratulations on your new job. Be proud and don’t let your mum drag you down. I would definitely distance myself from her. She is unsupportive and very likely jealous. She is not the great mother she thinks she is at all.

Your post sent shivers down my spine as I was in the same position once! Firstly, congratulations on your job, sounds fabulous...ignore your mother! My experience was...my sister left home at 18 to become a missionary in far flung land, married the first man she met, had 2 children and still married after 50 years...golden child all the way. Me? Became a long haul hostie AND raised a child single handedly whilst flying away for days at a time. I am not even going there with the objections. Keep going with your dream job, your mother sounds horrifically jealous and set in her 1950s ways of mums stay at home for the children and only do work around school time. My daughter is healthy, beautiful and successful in job and relationships. My sister has been in an abusive relationship with that man she married at 18 and both her children do not speak to her or her husband due to the abuse. Mmmmmm......what was best? Standard married, kids and stay at home mum like my sister or the black sheep (me) with a great life and great kid. Good luck with your career OP...black sheep all the way!!!

Just make sure you don't ask her for any extra child care.

My mother never worked again after she was pregnant with me and she was very weird about what opportunities I sought that she would ''approve''.

And the way she phrased things was really controlling. When I was a single parent with two small children and yes, childcare would have have been a huge challenge on the low earning potential I had, but she would say to me ''you don't want a job''. ''You know it doesnn't make sense''. Like SHE made the decisions and then presented them back to me like I'd decided these things.

I suppose I had also with resignation and sadness decided the same things but she was very odd about it all. Never asked me what I wanted only told me what I'd decided.

congratulations OP, you can make it work.

Congratulations on the job!

I'd bet your life isnt chaotic at all, that you have a routine that works well for you, but which doesn't meet your mum's idea of dinner on the table, doing your DH's washing, etc.

And given that she's also saying you can't cope at your current job when she has no idea what you do does strike me as her trying to pull you down to fit her ideas of what you should be doing in life.

As others have said, make sure your mum isn't your emergency care. I can see her letting you down in an emergency to prove a point, because her rant makes her seem desperate to force you into her mould.

Wow she sounds horribly over involved in your life.

If I were you I’d just try to take the approach of not engaging with her about the job. Don’t expect anything from her but also don’t allow her input.

I think some mothers never get to the stage where they realise their child is fully adult and they need to keep their noses out of their choices, unless support is requested or there is a big issue.

@GinIronic

Congratulations on your new job. Is your Mum jealous? Did she have a career?

I don't have a ''career'' but my mum although she'd never admit it, is annoyed that I have a job and support my two teens. They gave me help to buy my house but I am not looking for money from them and I think they preferred it when I needed them.

At 49, my Dad had a nervous breakdown from ''supporting a family'' and he was off work from that point on. In a psychiatric hospital, on seroxat. But at 49 I was working full time and a single parent to two far more challenging teenagers than my brother and I. My DC1 is in a great college now. I'm still working and wouldn't give up my job to be a SAHM but my mum has this narrative that I'm stressed which is is slyly trying to feed to the dc. ''Is your mum very stressed at work?'' she asks them every time she sees them.
I'm sorry, no respect to anybody suffering from mental illness, but I can do on my own what my father couldn't manage with the support of a spouse, so they have this really deep rooted need to believe that I'm ''stressed at work''. It would make them uncomfortable to acknowledge that I can handle alone what my dad couldn't handle with a spouse.

Saying you’ve got a chaotic life makes it sound like the milkman delivers you MD 20/20 every morning and you’ve got track marks up your arms.

If you were my daughter, I’d be absolutely proud of you that you went for a job like that and delighted for you that you got it. Do you live in a place where people don’t move around much and tend to accept their lot? I now work in a place where people tend to stay for years-due to our moving to the area-and I’ve definitely noticed a small town mentality there and although people moan, no one ever considers moving to a job they might like better. My parents were like that.
Your mum seems over invested in the goings on in your life. You have a husband, home and children-why is she even commenting like that over something positive? Maybe reiterate how happy you are and if she starts banging on, express puzzlement at her negativity and say it’s upsetting to hear that from her.

Gold standard of mothering? She is so far below any bar. A real mum is proud and supportive of her child's achievements, be they the office cleaner or the CEO. She is resentful you are doing so well because it diminishes her own life choices. Be proud of yourself, enjoy your new job and detach from her if you can.

@Oblomov21

Do you still qualify for a council house even though both you and Dh have got good jobs?

Seriously?

You do know council houses are for anyone right? And people pay rent for them? They're not only for those who are benefit dependant. FFS.

Be proud of what you have achieved. You are obviously a very successful person.

You can only live your life for you, not your mother. Go, do it.

Envious. Regretful of the things she never did. Projecting all her own stuff on you. Keep your distance.

And congratulations!

For all your mum knows, your children will be delighted that you're doing shift work because you'll be around more during the day, especially in the holidays. Obviously loads of children grow up with parents who do shift work and do absolutely fine. Ignore her.

@Phobiaphobic

Envious. Regretful of the things she never did. Projecting all her own stuff on you. Keep your distance.

And congratulations!

Yupp.

My mother is so passive aggressive to me because of this. she's married and i'm not which gives her a sense of superiority but she thinks I should sleep in a single bed and cannot understand why i have a double bed in my room. When I stayed in a hotel on my own she kept saying ''but you'll be on your own'' like that meant I couldn't enjoy anything, not a rest, not a meal, not a view, not the warmth of the sun, not the luxury of the power shower or a break from my routine, none of that could be worth doing or possible to enjoy because I'd be on my own

My mother thinks I'm difficult. The difficulty is she wants me to play small. And I have obliged my whole life.

My mother is like this and I've given up caring about trying to keep her happy. I'm the scapegoat and sister is golden child and whatever I did my mum would not be happy with.

Some of our certainly is rooted in making different life choices (she sees this as a rejection of her and that offends her) and also her old fashioned view of what a traditional wife/ family should be like. She's appalled that I have overtaken my husband in career progression and earn a lot more than him, and that my "poor" children have been "palmed off" into childcare and (shock horror) that their father has to play an active role in parenting them. My career success and earning power is selfish, materialistic and "showing off".

In contrast, my sister works PT and does almost all the active parenting, housework, cooking, organising. BIL has a high flying job and is barely home a lot of the time, makes loads of money which has funded a huge house and flash cars. That is totally different apparently and mum is proud of "how well they have done" (because it is a bloke earning the money, you see).

Aaarrghh!!!

No advice, just loads of sympathy!

Wow I fell asleep at page 2 and woke up to 7 pages !!! Thank you so much for all the support I really did not expect this response !! I'm just reading all the comments back now but just wanted to pop on and say thank you so much

Your mum is a knob

Congratulations on your new job! Your mum is being overbearing and wrong - this has nothing to do with her! Just don’t ask her for childcare.
I had a sahm who made out that women should stop working when they have children. Why should I? My kids are doing great and we love the cash coming in.
Enjoy your job, get yourself into a routine with DH that works for all of you and enjoy what the money brings. Your kids will be fine

@honeylulu

Also ...

Your poor little nieces/nephews, all neglected by their selfish, materialistic, show-off of a father.
You mother sounds fucking suffocating. It's quite a feat to pull off that level of hypocrisy.

The only thing on the planet that would make my mother proud of me would be if I was slim.
I've always been about 3 stone overweight.
The other thing would be to marry a lawyer or doctor but oh poor Diamond you won't catch anyone like that being so overweight they all like slim blond girls.
I could win the fecking nobel prize and it wouldn't be enough.

Congratulations OP! Ignore your mum, quite frankly she sounds jealous. Enjoy you're new job, you've obviously earned it!!

Your mum is in the wrong but when you shared "we aren't dependent on her for childcare, but sometimes she takes the DC home for half an hour before dh gets in" did make me wonder a little about whether you fully appreciate that.

If your mum didn't do that you would either have to pay for after school club, a childminder or one of you would have to work child friendly hours. You do realise that some families have no help with childcare whatsoever, even in an emergency?

I'd like to hear your mum's side and can't help wondering what her side of this is.

I think she’s jealous too

@Funnylittlefloozie

I think its great in a way that your dad thinks your mum is the gold standard of mothering. A man should support his wife, especially as it sounds like she mostly arranged her life around raising her family and that was what worked for them.

But, you are doing things differently (and rather brilliantly from the sound of it!). Congrats on your new job, I suspect that your mum is a bit jealous, but she will get over it. You and your DH sound like a great team, so don't let your mum's temporary snit spoil any of it for you.

I disagree - I think he is critical now because he knows that he let OP down indirectly by not sharing the child-raising.