Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Should of said I did have a jacket on too !

[quote Eesha]@Isitreallyme177 unfortunately loads of people are like this, they just focus on the new, more exciting thing in their life ie a new partner. With limited time, he'll want to see her and she will be his world. I'm used to this with some friends and I totally get it. I'm sure he'll come crawling back if/when it hits a stumbling block as I think you were a bit of a fallback girl. Try and not take it personally, he's just being a bit self absorbed.

@PurpleStripyScarf well done for holding back on the oversharing thing. Do you feel better for it? I certainly have felt I have taken some power back through sitting on my hands/zipping my mouth when conversing. Like it or not, it becomes intense and no fun (specifically with my history) and I can't quite believe I've been so open in the past. Enjoy these early days.

@BelladiMamma have a brilliant meet with Mr Poet (or Beau depending on who comes through). I'm looking forward to the animated update you are always brilliant with.

@FabulousMrFifty you have a bit of a harem going on I see

I can safely say I hate Mondays everyone. Cold....[/quote]
Thanks @Eesha. I don't know if I feel better for it or not. It's more of a thinking rather than a feeling decision. Logically I know it's the best approach. I know that if I were to start oversharing, it would be a massive can of worms / Pandora's box which you can't close once you've opened it. And given that I like the way things are with my iron, I'd rather keep the box closed. The tricky bit (not to share) is the stuff that's still ongoing (ie continued manipulation/abuse of/via my DC, by their dad). Hopefully I'm getting the balance right there (in terms of how much I do/don't share). But yes, now that you ask, I think oversharing about the historical abuse etc by him would result in me feeling bad/uncomfortable/too vulnerable or would have negative repercussions for my current relationship, so I'm glad I've managed not to do that.

Beautiful freezing frosty morning here.

MrPoet has just bailed as one of his DC is sick. He was pushing to change the venue and wanting to know if my DC were home later. I was open to changing the venue but not to letting him know whether or not we were going to have some time alone together as I wanted lunch and chat first then maybe a snog and a cuddle. Maybe he'd figured out he was the fallback guy and wanted to know if it was 'worth' his time. 🤔

BBC R6 has done a good job of cheering me up with Massive Attack on first thing! And Inner City! Whoop 🙌🏽

Thank you @PurpleStripyScarf!

I'm so thankful I don't have to deal with my ex. He's not allowed unsupervised contact with my kids and chose not to pay for supervised so he has no reason to have anything to do with us.

As I'd expected / hoped, Mr Tux sent a message when he got back last night confirming he'd had a great night. So bloody consistent grumble. Poor guy can't win, had he been texting me all night while out with his mates I'd be running a mile due to love bomb vibes!

Morning! Well, I'm feeling a bit better (and less consumed with anxiety) this morning after a pretty good sleep. It is COLD though. However, I am resolved this morning to do something - if it is possible FFS - about the anxiety I get in early relationships. It does calm down but I almost cannot handle it, it is so stressful. Did some reading about it last night and found it thoroughly depressing how clearly I fit into the anxious attachment model - and at the moment am in the 'must not show that I have needs' phase... having all these thoughts whirling around but knowing it's far too early to share them as am worried about frightening that person off, and not really knowing how to articulate my needs appropriately - yup, ALL OF THAT STUFF. So sick of it.

@BelladiMamma that would put me off about wanting to change the venue unless I'd chosen something ridiculous but a pub... surely it can't be that high end?! And the question about DC being home later... hmm - I can hardly talk as I'm terrible for 24hr first dates BUT I'd only be happy with that question if I really fancied someone a LOT. What's the latest with MrBeau? Tuesday?

@PurpleStripyScarf - well done for holding back on the detail. I do think it's a good thing. I've mentioned fewer details as time goes on and one thing I look for now is someone getting inordinately 'on my side' very early on if I tell them things about my marriage/divorce. My first iron a couple of years ago positioned himself very quickly as my 'defender' and on reflection that was a red flag. I am quite careful now, even though my divorce and marriage was horrific, to point out that anyone I'm talking to about it is obviously only getting my side, and I try to be quite neutral about it all.

@MayEye lovely to hear it’s still good with Mr L he sounds really thoughtful and committed! Nice to know there are genuine guys out there 💗

@SpringlikeBunk I don’t think you were unreasonable or weird feeling the way you did that day, you said you’re not looking for a long distance thing now and I get that, you kind of want someone who’s going to be around a bit? Not just someone to get texts from, but it does sound like he wants to be around so why don’t you see if he makes that plan then mention it when you meet up? It’s good he didn’t react to your message 🙂 I do think with men you have to be very up front and just say what you want, as if they like you and care they’ll try to step up. Hope you can get back into the running and things to feel better in yourself, though it’s a bit cold outside right now isn't it 🥶

@Isitreallyme177 both of those guys aren’t worth your upset lovely! You’re so much better than them, you just need to meet the right one.

@Naimee87 hope the little pooch is doing ok and not put on half a stone since her shopping bag raid 🤣🤣 can just imagine how happy she looked, getting away with that crime 🤣🤣🤣

@ibelieveinmirrorballs good luck with your iron today, I would have felt exactly the same as you about it, well done for keeping your cool!

Thanks @Eesha I wouldn't do it but then everyone is different. I also thought we actually had a friendship going and I wouldn't treat a friend like this.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs X post. Honestly don’t blame yourself about feeling anxious about this weekend! He told you he’s had an ex shag round to stay for the weekend and you didn't hear from him?? (Til late last night) And you are blaming yourself somehow for feeling anxious? Noooo, its not you. I think it’s a bit deep how he’s acted here. Hope you're ok x

@Shayelle2009 ah thank you 😊 I'm looking for him just not on the apps. But boy I got distracted in circuits yesterday, there was a rather nice guy in the mat area🙈.

@Isitreallyme177 😘💕💕

[quote Shayelle2009]**@ibelieveinmirrorballs X post. Honestly don’t blame yourself about feeling anxious about this weekend! He told you he’s had an ex shag round to stay for the weekend and you didn't hear from him?? (Til late last night) And you are blaming yourself somehow for feeling anxious? Noooo, its not you. I think it’s a bit deep how he’s acted here. Hope you're ok x[/quote]
@shayelle I think you've got this bang on. I would feel the same and it's maybe an amber flag that he wasn't able to just say he was sorry but he had prior commitments?

However @ibelieveinmirrorballs I am also sometimes guilty of just telling the truth a bit too bluntly and a bit too soon. I've trained myself to bite my tongue in the first few weeks but after a while the truth just slips out! However I wouldn't be having an ex shag to stay in the early stages of a relationship as I'm also guilty of prioritising new irons over everything else. Hard to get the balance right isn't it

I think the thing I realise about myself @Shayelle2009 (thanks btw) is struggling to know what's appropriate and what isn't. He told me about this friend staying after we'd met once, and said it in the context of - things have happened before with this friend and I don't think it's going to happen again but I want to be honest that she's staying - and at the time I said... we've met once, I get why you've told me and appreciate it on one level but it's too much info and we're not at the stage of agreeing to be exclusive. It's been horrible really - we speak a lot and other than this issue I would say it's been a really good connection and a very positive experience - two excellent dates and plans to meet again... but this issue has been lurking in the background.

We will speak later, and I think we do need to talk about it all a bit. After the initial 'flood of disclosure' a couple of weeks ago, I vaguely brought it up during our second date but I think neither of us wanted to really get bogged down in analysing things as we were having such a good time. Since then we've had lots of great chats but have not discussed 'the issue'. In the meantime we've planned our next date which is 2 nights away in early Dec. My anxiety meanwhile has ramped up loads, I am unsure whether this is going to progress or not, and almost feel like cancelling the weekend away and binning the whole thing.

@PurpleStripyScarf

Gosh I've been just about managing to keep up with the pace of the thread but only to read and not reply.

I wanted to send hugs to @InABetterPlaceNow - I think you're handling things really well (given what you've said about previous experiences) - and Mr Tux sounds like a good'un.

Over here things are good with Mr G, I think. I'm still wary of potential red flags and not sure whether they are red flags or not as I tend to overanalyse these things due to past (abusive) experience. I think I'm actually doing fairly well at just taking it one date/chat at a time and enjoying it for what it is. Had a really nice date and overnighter at the weekend. I've found all the chat on this thread about comms styles and how much to divulge how quickly really helpful/interesting - I'm just about managing to still follow the advice I got here a couple/few weeks ago about not sharing too much info/stuff that could attract either a) abusers or b) trauma-bonding. I'm going to stick with that approach even though we've been seeing each other for 3 months now - the relationship still feels pretty new given how little we actually see each other in person, plus I don't want to scare him off given some of the stuff I've been dealing with with my ex. Luckily I've got other people in my life (therapist, family, friends) who I can talk to about that stuff, so I shouldn't need to spill it onto an iron - I can keep our conversations focused on more dating-appropriate, nice stuff. We do talk about serious stuff as well, but I just try not to stray too far into the stuff that seems unhealthy (ie stuff relating to past/ongoing abuse).

Oh, also, I thought some of you might enjoy this screenshot - seen on social media.

I also can't keep up with the thread even though I'm reading it regularly 🤣

However lovely update from you and so pleased things are going nicely 😊

Thanks @BelladiMamma - she is a very long-standing friend of 20+ years apparently who lives a long way away and they have shagged on occasion over the years. This weekend he said has been in the diary for months and he mentioned it as he said he wanted to be completely up front as it looked like we were starting to veer towards a relationship. I wish he hadn't said anything because as I say - at the time of mentioning we'd met ONCE - I don't think it is appropriate and wtf could I say about it??

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I think the thing I realise about myself *@Shayelle2009* (thanks btw) is struggling to know what's appropriate and what isn't. He told me about this friend staying after we'd met once, and said it in the context of - things have happened before with this friend and I don't think it's going to happen again but I want to be honest that she's staying - and at the time I said... we've met once, I get why you've told me and appreciate it on one level but it's too much info and we're not at the stage of agreeing to be exclusive. It's been horrible really - we speak a lot and other than this issue I would say it's been a really good connection and a very positive experience - two excellent dates and plans to meet again... but this issue has been lurking in the background.

We will speak later, and I think we do need to talk about it all a bit. After the initial 'flood of disclosure' a couple of weeks ago, I vaguely brought it up during our second date but I think neither of us wanted to really get bogged down in analysing things as we were having such a good time. Since then we've had lots of great chats but have not discussed 'the issue'. In the meantime we've planned our next date which is 2 nights away in early Dec. My anxiety meanwhile has ramped up loads, I am unsure whether this is going to progress or not, and almost feel like cancelling the weekend away and binning the whole thing.

What is the issue? That he had the friend to stay or that he told you or that you strayed into territory that made you feel anxious?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Thanks *@BelladiMamma* - she is a very long-standing friend of 20+ years apparently who lives a long way away and they have shagged on occasion over the years. This weekend he said has been in the diary for months and he mentioned it as he said he wanted to be completely up front as it looked like we were starting to veer towards a relationship. I wish he hadn't said anything because as I say - at the time of mentioning we'd met ONCE - I don't think it is appropriate and wtf could I say about it??

Yes I agree that's awkward as hell. Why would he put the pressure on you by saying that you're going into a relationship as actually for me, that's the thing that would have clouded matters.

You’re being really nice about it @ibelieveinmirrorballs. I think my issue would be the lack of contact. Anyone with a bit of feeling would know that that situation might make the other person feel insecure. I would even wonder whether the non contact was deliberate but that’s me, I’m cynical and wouldn’t put up with this bullshit from men so i perhaps shouldn’t be giving my opinion here. It pisses me off though as I think women are too accommodating about shit then look at what is wrong with themselves, when it’s shitty behaviour they’re receiving! Don’t doubt yourself - this weekend was not cool for you and I back you on it!

You’re worth way more the mr cricket @Isitreallyme177, I know you say he shouldn’t/wouldn’t treat a friend like this, it’s kinda like looking back with rose tinted glasses. When you were “friends” he left you hanging for days too. You’ve got fab new hair and smashing the gym, if you see him head held high and basic hello. If/when he actually responds to your tx, just don’t reply. Never txt him again. Waste of time that man.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I don’t think even the most “together” person would escape pangs of anxiety if a new iron had an old FWB round for the weekend and no contact, definitely don’t beat your self up about that.

@BelladiMamma sorry mrA is still in the peripheral, I hate when they stick around loosely, sort of influences dating going forward I feel, even if subconsciously. I find myself constantly comparing them to new prospects. Worse again if the connection was brill, but logistics screwed it up.

@FabulousMrFifty sorry about your sore arse but happy you’ve found a new iron not 4 hours away

Things still going well with mr working away, now mr Wa, think it’s around 4 months now and he’s totally into the boyfriend/girlfriend label. Just did another weekend away with Xmas markets and nice festive stuff even though he’s a total Scrooge, and he drops in, that my Christmas present will be delivered this week. So after around 7 years of casual/FWB type situations I know have to buy him a Christmas present. I have no clue! So out of practice with this, it didn’t even enter my head.

@BelladiMamma - the issue is firstly the friend staying which he raised in a broader conversation about monogamy and his admitting his last relationship ended because of his infidelity. This was all raised after one meeting with me and he said he wanted to be really open and honest and for us to discuss together and decide together what we were doing before moving forward. It was all way too intense and I said I wasn't prepared to spend ages analysing and discussing things after one meeting with someone, and that we should meet again and see if we even still felt there was a connection. We then did that and of course, had another great time. Since then everything has been great but light-hearted and plans made for 3rd meet. I decided to address things after this friend staying situation which feels a bit like a red herring - it's the broader issue of monogamy which I feel is the main subject to address but again, we've only met twice and it all feels too heavy. I think the difficulty I have here is that he has not been clear whether he is looking for monogamy or not, this is because HE is confused about it and I think is ashamed of previous behaviour - I think I need to ask him to be clear what exactly he wants and go from there.

Can’t keep up, so much going on.
Went for a pre work walk at sunrise and forgot my DSLR so just had phone DOH , what a numbskull

Hope no one minds… I made a new thread as we’ll soon be running out
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4413817-Thread-219-Dating-in-a-winter-wonderland

Wow @FabulousMrFifty that really is a lovely wonderland! ☃️

@Catcrazy83 thanks 😊 I will try my hardest. Maybe he was just using me to fill his spare time with.

@FabulousMrFifty wow it looks beautiful.

Some men like to have lots of cool women round them purely for the ego boost @Isitreallyme177. Don’t let him come creeping back when it goes pears with this one x

Thanks everyone.

Should I be asking the guys for their personal info a while before meeting, or see if they offer it? If they don't offer it up is that weird? I'd normally just ask outright but of course if they are a creep they could just lie anyway.