Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote BelladiMamma]@InABetterPlaceNow I'm just going to get back in the horse and not let it phase me too much. He's cute, he's stressed, he's busy. He's been polite about it and immediately suggested the next day. So I'll go with that but I don't want to text him back yet [/quote]
Sounds like a good call! I'm a tad jealous of your ease at navigating this stuff

@WeWantTheFinestWines Interesting post you don't say how long these relationships were before they ended and left you heartbroken.

Do you think you're too independent, confident and strong?
I think some men like to be all alpha and 'look after ' their women so if you're independent and strong how do they fit into your life?
Some men need to feel needed and if you want them but don't actually need them it might feel odd to them.

I don't think you should change but you definitely need someone who is your equal and doesn't want the traditional provider style relationship.

@InABetterPlaceNow I have just decided that it's all casual because even though I'm great at falling in lust at first sight I have very little space in my life for a Proper Relationship. So it's a numbers game. I stay safe, and to the best of my abilities I body swerve difficulties and when I'm out, I'm out.

I'm sex positive, have very few hang ups about myself or my body, like to be blunt but I'm also very romantic and passionate. I come from a very matriarchal set up at home and a long line of gobby Glaswegians on one side and rugged Frenchmen on the other.

Yes, I'm awesome.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[quote BelladiMamma]@InABetterPlaceNow I have just decided that it's all casual because even though I'm great at falling in lust at first sight I have very little space in my life for a Proper Relationship. So it's a numbers game. I stay safe, and to the best of my abilities I body swerve difficulties and when I'm out, I'm out.

I'm sex positive, have very few hang ups about myself or my body, like to be blunt but I'm also very romantic and passionate. I come from a very matriarchal set up at home and a long line of gobby Glaswegians on one side and rugged Frenchmen on the other.

Yes, I'm awesome.

🤣🤣🤣🤣[/quote]
Haha you are!!

whispers we'll be be here though when the feels catch up to you... (sorry!! I hope that's ok!! )

@InABetterPlaceNow not to worry, I'll be a gibberish wreck if I sleep with MrBeau 😁 cos he's my ultimate catnip right down to the effing flakiness the rotter

In all seriousness, I've come to the conclusion that you're can't take any of this stuff too much to heart. My first fling after my ex was with a friend who declared undying love then pretty much ghosted me. However I know that he's ghosted most of his friends over the last two years, has gone back to his ex and has a drink problem. I don't think I'm missing much!

I don't really think there's any logical reason why anyone "should" be able to meet someone they want to partner up with and vice-versa?
Especially if the timeline to have children isn't there.

Traditionally, it was difficult and unsafe for women solo to navigate life.

Modern secular urban society means that we aren't kidnapped off the street to be taken as brides for a neighbouring tribe, we (generally) aren't burnt at the stake for being women solo, we can have male friends or "find our tribe" in terms of work or interests.

I expect it's the same for men - a bloke can have a child and friends and a good quality of life or home domestic setting without being partnered up?

So it all becomes a bit more challenging to meet someone, as it's harder to work-out "what does this set-up bring to my life at this stage"?

I guess wanting to feel desired/accepted/attractive is important as is emotional support, but those don't necessarily come in one person who also fancies us and is a viable prospect for us!

@Shayelle2009 oh she looked so proud if herself, with her tiny head, massive bulgey eyes and wobbly belly! We took her up for a snowy walk in the hills though and she loved it. She's on a crash diet now of bell-peppers, peas and a half a packet of dog food. But got to be cruel to be kind!!!!

I'm actually beginning to think i must like the chase too much because i keep ending up in that type of situation. It keeps me on my toes and i get full of anticipation and excitement. With a bit of frustration thrown in sometimes. But when they are too 'available' i just feel so 'meh' about the whole thing.

Got a bit of a dodgy situation as my neighbour has just told me he has started to develop feelings for me. I really like him but not in that way. And i'm so not in a relationship head-space now at all. As you can see from earlier posts the situation with my DS needs my full attention at the moment anyway. I was also really clear with him that i'm sort of seeing someone. Not sure how to 'play' this now as i don't want to lead him on or lose him. He'd be a lovely boyfriend just not for me...

I expect it's the same for men - a bloke can have a child and friends and a good quality of life or home domestic setting without being partnered up? that’s me (minus child).

👋 @Misty9 how you doin ?

Made American pancakes this morning for myself and my “friend”, too much salt really
Hopefully everyone is warm on this cold evening, I had an afternoon zoom with my Mum & Sister, had to keep yelling at them to switch the camera on, much fun.

Been out for an evening walk, snowing like made here, slipped and fell on arse, great!

@FabulousMrFifty

I expect it's the same for men - a bloke can have a child and friends and a good quality of life or home domestic setting without being partnered up? that’s me (minus child).

👋 @Misty9 how you doin ?

Made American pancakes this morning for myself and my “friend”, too much salt really
Hopefully everyone is warm on this cold evening, I had an afternoon zoom with my Mum & Sister, had to keep yelling at them to switch the camera on, much fun.

Been out for an evening walk, snowing like made here, slipped and fell on arse, great!

Oooh snow. Slipping over, that's annoying. Was that MissWales or another friend? 😊

[quote Misty9]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I just wish I hadn't shagged them before finding this out... 😬 Although, with this latest guy I don't think it would have come out until we had sex as that was the issue for him (feeling like he was cheating despite having been separated for 3yrs).

As for dealing with your own shit before dating, I was definitely guilty of doing that so shouldn't complain really. I'm just a bit fed up of seemingly occupying the role of 'test f%ck' for these guys. Sorry if that's a bit coarse... I'm starting to wonder if one can ever really get over a long marriage ending. I still get sad and mine was medium length. I miss my kids too [/quote]
@Misty9 I know the feeling all too well. Computer Geek wasn't ready and needed to sort himself out. I matched with him just after he split up, in fact I now think they weren't properly split up at the time(his comment to me about him taking me on the ride of his relationship breakdown kind of makes me think that) and I reckon they're now back together. I can't explain what the draw was with him. He was broken, I wanted so much to help him and I saw myself in him. I actually tried to take a step back a couple of times and each time he came back to me needing/wanting to stay in touch. I just so wish he had been ready to date as I think we would have had fun, we bounced off each other, we even support the same football team. I drunkenly messaged him the other week, I keep checking if he's read it.

@BelladiMamma
Err… might have been another friend…😊

@FabulousMrFifty

I am deep in rumination (goddamn you anxiety) - having just texted my iron and now feeling like the whole thing is about to collapse, despite our booked w/end away in a couple of weeks. This is because we haven't spoken for a couple of days, he's had a female friend staying this weekend, and I spotted that despite him being online he has not read or replied to my message. We often go a day or two without communicating but the added factors are driving me to distraction.

I think I need a cup of cocoa and an early night.

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]@FabulousMrFifty

I am deep in rumination (goddamn you anxiety) - having just texted my iron and now feeling like the whole thing is about to collapse, despite our booked w/end away in a couple of weeks. This is because we haven't spoken for a couple of days, he's had a female friend staying this weekend, and I spotted that despite him being online he has not read or replied to my message. We often go a day or two without communicating but the added factors are driving me to distraction.

I think I need a cup of cocoa and an early night.[/quote]
In all honesty (and I know it's ironic considering how potentially unstable you all have realised I am), in your position I would have expected a text. That's not a small matter and takes trust on your end. Would have been a small gesture to give you comfort.

I hope he pulls through soon!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Early night sounds good or chat shit on MN like everyone else if you can't go to sleep!

It may take him a day to reply to your text, that's fine I'm sure? Some people don't like to have their phones out in company, I expect you wouldn't want him checking messages when out with you.

MrHedgehog doesn't tend to reply straight away and we don't have daily contact (which I admit can be annoying)

but logically I know he always gets back to me/checks in with an appropriate reply (I don't initiate texts really) so guess there's nothing to worry about for now?

If your iron is generally flaky/non-replier then maybe that's cause for concern but otherwise I'd say just chill, you can't control or change anything by worrying.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Early night sounds good or chat shit on MN like everyone else if you can't go to sleep!

It may take him a day to reply to your text, that's fine I'm sure? Some people don't like to have their phones out in company, I expect you wouldn't want him checking messages when out with you.

MrHedgehog doesn't tend to reply straight away and we don't have daily contact (which I admit can be annoying)

but logically I know he always gets back to me/checks in with an appropriate reply (I don't initiate texts really) so guess there's nothing to worry about for now?

If your iron is generally flaky/non-replier then maybe that's cause for concern but otherwise I'd say just chill, you can't control or change anything by worrying.[/quote]
^ this is potentially better advice. I need to take myself off in a corner and read up on anxious attachment stuff again.

@InABetterPlaceNow yes I think I agree. He is usually very responsive to be fair and I don’t know where he is or if he’s busy or as @SpringlikeBunk says, has company. He is not glued to his phone and doesn’t check it - or didn’t while we’ve been together. But still. It’s complicated by the fact this friend had been a FWB in the past and he flagged up this planned weekend after our first meet. At the time I said he shouldn’t have told me as it was TMI given we’d only met once and hadn’t made any commitment to be exclusive. I said I didn’t want to talk about it or be asked what I thought because at this stage it’s none of my business. Such a difficult situation now though - I’ve had a busy and good weekend but it’s now a cold dark Sunday night and - grrr.

[quote Naimee87]@BelladiMamma yep gotta love the language barrier! Anyway thanks for your advice luckily my neighbour (not one i dated) is helping a lot. He's got some good advice and i feel like i've good support! As for MrBeau surely you're just 'on' for tomorrow? But the whole fizzling out in comms is so hard to navigate. Just sends your head into over-drive and makes you question everything. But he seem's keen so fingers crossed!

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards don't bring yourself down because MrGambits gone quiet. Doesn't at all sound like you've done anything wrong at all. [/quote]
@Naimee87 thank you. ❤️❤️❤️

This business with Mr Cricket has just made all my feelings for Computer Geek resurface. At least he had the decency to reply to my messages. In fact I'm feeling a little hurt that even if Mr Cricket sees me as just a friend he doesn't even have the decency to reply for days on end. He didn't do this before he got a girlfriend. So if I was just a friend before why has his communication style changed.

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]**@InABetterPlaceNow* yes I think I agree. He is usually very responsive to be fair and I don’t know where he is or if he’s busy or as @SpringlikeBunk* says, has company. He is not glued to his phone and doesn’t check it - or didn’t while we’ve been together. But still. It’s complicated by the fact this friend had been a FWB in the past and he flagged up this planned weekend after our first meet. At the time I said he shouldn’t have told me as it was TMI given we’d only met once and hadn’t made any commitment to be exclusive. I said I didn’t want to talk about it or be asked what I thought because at this stage it’s none of my business. Such a difficult situation now though - I’ve had a busy and good weekend but it’s now a cold dark Sunday night and - grrr.[/quote]
In these situations I do think a small reach out and comfort speaks volumes. I'm also needy (and feeling quite vulnerable tonight).

I'm either case all you can do if focus on yourself and do the things that make you happy. Life still goes on! You'll touch base and he'll either square things up and make things right or your radar will go off. Then, next!

Very interesting chats here. I ended up seeing Mr L last night and it was wonderful - I feel such a connection to him. But he was suggesting planning a trip to France in the spring, had loads of ideas which I was enthusiastically agreeing to but in my head I’m thinking ‘if we are still together in April’ or ‘if we last’. He has given me no reason whatsoever to think we won’t, actively plans the next few dates while we are together unlike previous irons, and I still have this self doubt all the time
Anyway I am seeing him again this coming weekend where he has planned something Christmassy even though he’s not that into Christmas but knows I am - why do I doubt this man so much? My past experiences I know, I know!

@MayEye

Very interesting chats here. I ended up seeing Mr L last night and it was wonderful - I feel such a connection to him. But he was suggesting planning a trip to France in the spring, had loads of ideas which I was enthusiastically agreeing to but in my head I’m thinking ‘if we are still together in April’ or ‘if we last’. He has given me no reason whatsoever to think we won’t, actively plans the next few dates while we are together unlike previous irons, and I still have this self doubt all the time Anyway I am seeing him again this coming weekend where he has planned something Christmassy even though he’s not that into Christmas but knows I am - why do I doubt this man so much? My past experiences I know, I know!

Oooooh all good things here! I'd say suspend all the doubts and disbeliefs (until it's time to put the deposit down ) and enjoy the future planning! It's very telling when someone does something they aren't keen on but know you are

I guess with anxiety/past trauma it’s the whole thing of “feeling the fear but still progressing”

I do have moments where I just want to opt out of the whole dating thing “in case it goes wrong” (last night for example!).

Like logically I know I’m resilient and can navigate the dating scene and have had some great experiences and won’t die if it doesn’t work out with a bloke I like.

But of course the inner lizard/inner child brain and emotions and fear of rejection is there

The thing is I do know people who haven’t progressed to do things in life out of fear of rejection (not just in dating) and after a while that seems to be actually more stressful than engaging with things? So even if I’m emotionally quaking and need frequent breaks/am just muddling through seems easier to get out there and date.

I'm trying to not contact Mr Gambit at all. He wasn't like this when we first met at all. We had some great conversations.

I want to tell him I'm sorry about not responding straight away on Monday. I could kick myself for that.

Most of all, I just want to say 'I'm falling apart and I don't know what to do.'

@SpringlikeBunk thank you! Yup that hits the nail.

I'm currently swiping through my apps (thoroughly unfair to Mr Tux as he's not done anything wrong, but also it's early days).

I might be here for some time navigating things. And might need a lot of challenges as I'm determined to do thing "right" this time.

It's meant to be snowing here according to my weather app but I don't see anything. Sad times!!