Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@BelladiMamma
Let’s call her Ms Driver,

@NewlySingle2021

Hi can I sneak in here for some advice/encouragement please? I've recently started OLD and have a couple of dates lined up. I'm not looking for 'the one' or to enter into anything serious as yet, if love finds me at some point then great, but I'm going into this looking just for dates, maybe new friends, and if a relationship happens that's a bonus. But I haven't dated since I met my H in over 15 years, and even then I used to just slide from hook ups, to FWB situations to more casual relationships without much of a dating phase. I met my H on Match, he was my only match haha, and it all went very quickly without any formal talks about exclusivity etc, but it seems things have changed a lot since then. So any tips you can offer will be very appreciated! Just so you know I have zero expectations and def no rose tinted glasses about either!

First date with a chef is next Sat. Originally the guy suggested we could have dinner but as his shifts can be erratic when he checked his work schedule found it was their Xmas do so he asked to reschedule our date for lunch. It's not a big deal for me as I'm totally free, and seemed genuine rather than flaky. However who forgets their work Xmas do? Is it just me that finds it a bit odd? We've not had many chats, basically asked me out within a few 'hi' introductory messages on Bumble. No idea of anything we might have in common. Is this weird or ok? I'm quite happy with it as I think I'd rather meet sooner than getting invested over text and taking ages to meet. But just want to be forewarned from those of you with more experience.

Second guy (photographer) similar story, only a couple more messages than first guy before asking me out. He wanted to meet this weekend but I was busy, and of course date next Sat. So I said the weekend after. Nothing confirmed. Mainly chatting lightly to me about his interest/hobby but not many questions about me/mine. Has asked about my job so it's not totally one-sided. But I'm still thinking is this a red flag, or is it better to save the conversations for real life? If it matters, Photoguy is a few years older than me and Chef is a couple of years younger.

Thanks if anyone can share words of wisdom!

Welcome 🤗

Sorry feeling brain addled so not much I can add here but welcome and good luck! Someone else might come along with some better advice

Oh great. So I've had a series of sad messages from MrBeau, shoot is overrunning, doesn't know where he'll be tomorrow for the last two hours of his job.

MrPoet who wants to meet but has now asked to change venue as the pub I've booked at is out of his budget.

MrA sending me soppy messages about being back with his kids.

And just general 'hi babe' messages dribbling in. None of which have any bloody meaning because no one, repeat no one is actually saying - yes, I can meet you at this time, in this place and for this long.

I have the world's biggest collection of flakes. I am a magnet for flakes. I am the world's biggest flake museum where all the flakes of every type come to live. I've got flakes for England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland. I am the dating world's Willie Wonka of Flakes ... oh jeez.

🤦🏻‍♀️ 🤦🏻‍♀️ 🤦🏻‍♀️

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@BelladiMamma
Let’s call her Ms Driver,[/quote]
Well good on you for having a whole new secret iron

And welcome MsDriver!!

I'd forgive someone for forgetting their Christmas do this year, everything had been so up in the air that plans have often been more ad hoc and last minute than usual. We've not had a big one, just team ones, and our team one was slotted onto the end of something else that I couldn't get to so I missed it. But they didn't tell us til about two weeks before!

@SpringlikeBunk

hahaha *@MayEye* - I thought the same and convinced I'd fucked up, but was saved by the language issue (I think?) as he isn't an overthinking nutcase like me, and probably just thought I was having a factual/practical discussion about scheduling.

Even if we both get shot down in flames romantically (I'm sure we won't, your MrL sounds great) we'll keep on at it!

I'm so pleased this happened 🤣

Maybe I should have done the same with MrA 🤷🏻‍♀️ and made an excuse about misunderstanding his accent?!

@newlysingle2021 I have had a couple of dates where we said hello then just spur of the moment met up. I quite enjoyed it. (But I have the luxury of no kids/responsibility, and can do as I wish whenever)

Also, man forgetting Christmas party I can 100% see that happening!

@NewlySingle2021

I'm quite a quick meeter too

I think it really is personal choice for screening before hand. Ie, how much investment you put into the meet and if you have a Plan B in case they flake - are you having to commute or dress up or travel?

How much time have you got? Are you feeling quite chilled in case it doesn't go through?

I normally try to get their online footprint (I don't mean friend them on social media but Google to see they are who they say), phone number, and I guess if the meet is close-by and somewhere I'd want to be anyway (say I can go shopping if it falls through) then that's it.

For -say - commuting to another city for dinner I'd want a bit more contact I think, a phone call or something?

I've agreed to meet quickly in my last round of dating, and had four meets which went fine (all wanted to meet again, I picked one) and one flake (which was fine as I just went shopping anyway as the coffee place was walking distance).

I don't think there's any foolproof system for screening beforehand tbh, some people like more contact and questions, others to keep it minimal?

Obviously have boundaries and keep safe, but also there's an argument for not "over-thinking" or checking in advance.

People may tell white lies (like the chef with the Xmas meet might be a dud) but also you don't want to be interrogating meets to check everything!

Some flakes and weirdos may get through, just block them and move on. Obviously it stings a bit but overall I think it's better to just keep on moving rather than get over-cautious.

I'd say just keep on dating and getting out there see how you find things yourself and what your preferences are? It's all a learning journey.

Good luck!

@NewlySingle2021
Hi, I’m crap at dating but here goes anyhow
Chef, I always forget my work’s Xmas do dates, that’s really common for me, so no surprised, as for asking you out quickly, he will using the zero date to get to know you f2f.

Photoman sounds a bit self absorbed TBH .
Ages don’t matter really

@BelladiMamma thank you for the welcome!

Good point @VanGoghsDog for me an Xmas do would likely be the only thing in my calendar and I'm super organised, so maybe reading too much into that he may forget events. But I was actually forgetting myself how up and down things are now and that some workplaces might be deciding last minute.

@Dazedandconfused10 I think both these guys are child free so may well feel more spontaneous, thanks for pointing that out. I don't know what the norm is for meeting - message a while and see if there's anything there, or just jump right in. Also I have 2 kids and v unreliable ex who is their dad, so have to have meticulous scheduling with plans A through to D if he fucks plans up. However part of the reason I have left that miserable marriage is precisely because living with incredibly flaky and irresponsible H was soul destroying, so I may be more sensitive to signs of that.

Thank you @SpringlikeBunk that's all very helpful. I was chatting a while with a nice-seeming guy who waited a bit, asked me out, then before we'd agreed any plans suddenly turned from normal chit-chat into all lingerie-obsessed with creepy requests so he was quickly blocked. So I'm thinking quick meeters might well be a good thing, and I'll just see how it plays out. I was wondering about the social media thing too, obviously I don't want to friend loads of randoms and have them looking through my stuff. But I do need to get more info from both potentials. So far we've not moved off Bumble so i don't even have their numbers, but I know I will need to get further details to be as safe as possible.

Chef date is in our city centre about halfway between us, I can easily commute with no hassle so not too worried about no phone calls beforehand. I don't much like talking on the phone myself and am much better in person. Photographer date is likely to be our local town centre, even easier travel time, so again I'm happy to just show up really. In both places if they flake I'm comfortable on my own, getting coffee or browsing the Xmas markets.

I don't have a calendar, I just remember what I'm doing. But Dec is now so busy I've had to create a list of appointments in a note on my phone. Barely any free evenings now!

Chances of seeing MrWG - close to zero, given his current Covid, my busy-ness and then his follow up operation (Covid could scupper his op actually)!

Thanks @FabulousMrFifty maybe work events just aren't that memorable to some. I know at ours everyone's acting like it's the only night out ever and not a day goes by without someone reminding us of the date!

I am watching and waiting with Photographer, if he keeps being this way via message I'll probably not want to meet in person, otherwise it would be a very boring date. Being older I'd hoped he'd be more mature and interesting but maybe not so!

By 'zero date' is that what we call the technically 'first date' in the OLD world? Makes sense.

Some people are really just not good at written chats. MrWG is pretty poor, but very chatty in person, though he does tend to forget to ask me how I am sometimes so when he does I'm taken by surprise and not sure what to say!
I've taken to phoning him more now because I get more information, texting info is like trying to get blood from a stone.

@NewlySingle2021

For checking in advance I wouldn’t exchange details but google their first name, job title, location and it may bring up a LinkedIn profile. You may get a surname from this.

Again it’s not foolproof (you might not find them as some people have very little trace) but it can help with initial screening.

I’ve found marriages and a conviction and blatantly lying about their ages and jobs!

Hello and welcome @NewlySingle2021

If I'm allowed to swear OMFG you lot can't 'arf chat ! I leave home at 2pm this afternoon to see Ms YM1 to climb a ladder in the snow to drape various Christmas lights over her property and login this evening to page 38

I'm shattered I bet with all this chat you are too

Hope everyone has a good nights sleep

Newlysingle hi and welcome. By date zero we usually mean a quick meet to see if we want to 'invest' in a 'proper' date, i.e. a quick coffee to see if there's any spark. Having sat through a 'quick' coffee with someone who spent not a second talking about anyone but himself I was so pleased we weren't having a meal. And I've done the dinner date where I knew the moment we met outside the restaurant that I'd rather be at home watching some paint dry, but then had to have the dinner. Maybe have your lunch date somewhere quick and not fancy, so you can cut it short if you're not feeling it, and hang around if you are?

Isitreally Mr Cricket wanting to be friends only while he was single reminds me of an ex iron, who was the first person I had sex with after splitting with my ex DP. We had a fabulous summer fling with lots of sex and brilliant and witty messaging but neither of us saw it as a long term thing. We stayed friends while we carried on dating others and he'd talk to me about women he was seeing and I'd be telling him what he was doing wrong, etc. I thought we had a nice little friendship going, but then he met someone he was serious about and said he was going to marry and I never heard from him again. So weird, but I now think he saw me as a fallback girl while things weren't working out for him and then when they did I was surplus to requirements. I know your situation is different, but it did remind me of him.

Inabetter sorry about your PTSD, that really is another level. I like the idea of looking at the bottom line - is it better or worse than before - and going with the thing that makes you feel best. Or least worst.

Gosh I've been just about managing to keep up with the pace of the thread but only to read and not reply.

I wanted to send hugs to @InABetterPlaceNow - I think you're handling things really well (given what you've said about previous experiences) - and Mr Tux sounds like a good'un.

Over here things are good with Mr G, I think. I'm still wary of potential red flags and not sure whether they are red flags or not as I tend to overanalyse these things due to past (abusive) experience. I think I'm actually doing fairly well at just taking it one date/chat at a time and enjoying it for what it is. Had a really nice date and overnighter at the weekend. I've found all the chat on this thread about comms styles and how much to divulge how quickly really helpful/interesting - I'm just about managing to still follow the advice I got here a couple/few weeks ago about not sharing too much info/stuff that could attract either a) abusers or b) trauma-bonding. I'm going to stick with that approach even though we've been seeing each other for 3 months now - the relationship still feels pretty new given how little we actually see each other in person, plus I don't want to scare him off given some of the stuff I've been dealing with with my ex. Luckily I've got other people in my life (therapist, family, friends) who I can talk to about that stuff, so I shouldn't need to spill it onto an iron - I can keep our conversations focused on more dating-appropriate, nice stuff. We do talk about serious stuff as well, but I just try not to stray too far into the stuff that seems unhealthy (ie stuff relating to past/ongoing abuse).

Oh, also, I thought some of you might enjoy this screenshot - seen on social media.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Newlysingle hi and welcome. By date zero we usually mean a quick meet to see if we want to 'invest' in a 'proper' date, i.e. a quick coffee to see if there's any spark. Having sat through a 'quick' coffee with someone who spent not a second talking about anyone but himself I was so pleased we weren't having a meal. And I've done the dinner date where I knew the moment we met outside the restaurant that I'd rather be at home watching some paint dry, but then had to have the dinner. Maybe have your lunch date somewhere quick and not fancy, so you can cut it short if you're not feeling it, and hang around if you are?

Isitreally Mr Cricket wanting to be friends only while he was single reminds me of an ex iron, who was the first person I had sex with after splitting with my ex DP. We had a fabulous summer fling with lots of sex and brilliant and witty messaging but neither of us saw it as a long term thing. We stayed friends while we carried on dating others and he'd talk to me about women he was seeing and I'd be telling him what he was doing wrong, etc. I thought we had a nice little friendship going, but then he met someone he was serious about and said he was going to marry and I never heard from him again. So weird, but I now think he saw me as a fallback girl while things weren't working out for him and then when they did I was surplus to requirements. I know your situation is different, but it did remind me of him.

@WeWantTheFinestWines that's interesting although for us there has never been anything other than friendship. There's been no kissing, no holding hands, no sex so we really were two friends meeting up.

Posted too soon.

We even talked about dating (or lack of in my case but I'm trying to find a Computer Geek replacement so it's hard). I developed feelings for him but whether he knew that is anyones guess, whether he had feelings for me who knows. I know he's just started a relationship but you don't 'forget' you're friends.

@Isitreallyme177 unfortunately loads of people are like this, they just focus on the new, more exciting thing in their life ie a new partner. With limited time, he'll want to see her and she will be his world. I'm used to this with some friends and I totally get it. I'm sure he'll come crawling back if/when it hits a stumbling block as I think you were a bit of a fallback girl. Try and not take it personally, he's just being a bit self absorbed.

@PurpleStripyScarf well done for holding back on the oversharing thing. Do you feel better for it? I certainly have felt I have taken some power back through sitting on my hands/zipping my mouth when conversing. Like it or not, it becomes intense and no fun (specifically with my history) and I can't quite believe I've been so open in the past. Enjoy these early days.

@BelladiMamma have a brilliant meet with Mr Poet (or Beau depending on who comes through). I'm looking forward to the animated update you are always brilliant with.

@FabulousMrFifty you have a bit of a harem going on I see

I can safely say I hate Mondays everyone. Cold....

So cold!! 🥶🥶🥶🥶

@NewlySingle2021
I’m sure someone else has said this but date zero is more like a ‘do I want to date this person ‘ pre date meeting (for both sides), so after date 0 most women avoid me.

@WeWantTheFinestWines , Nicely trimmed bush 😂

@StartingAgain6369 you watch her climbing a ladder, great job, or this a euphemism I’m not aware of ?

And my arse hurts where I went over yesterday, and there is still snow here this morning

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

So cold!! 🥶🥶🥶🥶

I've just been outside in PJs to let out my feathered friends and yes it is, everything frozen