Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote Naimee87]@SpringlikeBunk thanks for your post! This is the thing he is only there till summer... then changes schools completely. So why they are kicking up a fuss now i really don't know. The HM is cool i genuinely get a good vibe from him. But its just feeling like the teacher has a vendetta against me and my DS and isn't prepared to let it go. My DS seem's to be under a microscope all the time, it's so frustrating.

I echo @Eesha with the intense chat early on, definitely a sure fire way, welll in my experience that is, of making them run for the hills! Text is so open to interpretation best to keep important or personal topics for when you're physically together. Body language is also soooo important! [/quote]
Thank you! To clarify this was an in person thing - when he said "need a hug" this 6'4 chunky man made a motion to collapse onto my chest and it did hit me in the feels a bit as I'm 5'3 - he pulled away though rather than turning to a blubbering mess 😂

Ok, so ... he's postponing by a day. His shoot has overrun. He's asked if I'm available Tuesday, not tomorrow. Might wait for a bit to answer as I don't want to be too reactive.

I am free Tuesday &I totally understand that his work has overrun. It was already running a week late, this shoot. And we wanted a daytime date so that's also understandable.

Just feeling a bit 'meh' as I've been working like a dog today so that I'm free tomorrow.

@InABetterPlaceNow don't feel silly - we're all just figuring this shit out as we go along 🤗 and I think it's a good idea to give your potential partners a heads up about having ptsd. That's very brave and self compassionate too. I'm also an intense person who seeks deep connection - so if that's too much for someone then it's best to know sooner rather than later I think. And we ALL overthink - it's basically the raison d'etre of this thread!

I think all we can do is be as honest with ourselves, and then others, as we can.

@Naimee87 sending hugs that teacher sounds like a massive twat! So good that your DS isn’t there too much longer though 💗💗

@InABetterPlaceNow I personally don't see a problem with this so long as it doesn't dominate your interaction. I had an iron earlier this year who just wanted to talk about how shit our lives were & personally that's when I think it veers into abuse. The way you've described it, this is just normal being vulnerable amongst decent adults type interaction. At this stage, if it's what you can imagine saying to a good friend and authentically represents who you are, and any boundaries eg 'let's not talk about this anymore' are respected, then it's ok.

[quote Shayelle2009]@Naimee87 sending hugs that teacher sounds like a massive twat! So good that your DS isn’t there too much longer though 💗💗[/quote]
What she said ^

@BelladiMamma are you OK with this or do you think he's seeing someone else today? Why has he been on the apps?

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@InABetterPlaceNow

You're not a numpty, you're just a normal human being on a learning journey!

I guess the key thing with being worried about abuse is knowing you have the boundaries and can walk if it's not working for you (regardless of what anyone else says).

You don't "have to" get to a certain number of dates or worry about "putting the guy off", realistically most dating situations fizzle out anyway.

even if the guy is a 6'4 doctor who saves babies lives and your mum loves him, you should be able to walk if you think he's emotionally off.

I'm definitely an overthinker and overanalyser (spend more time analysing the dates than contacting them ).

I do agree if you just keep seeing people FTF you learn more about them through interaction rather than "talking" about things?[/quote]
Thank you! Absolutely. I'm already halfway through the door realising it might be too much info too soon Next!

We'd already agreed to keep anything "heavy" to in person as I'd felt we were getting a little ahead of ourselves and he readily agreed. The bit I mentioned really was the only heavy bit of the convo F2F. The rest was watching him melt over the puppers in the pub, talking about shared interests, me talking about where I went to school (oh and the kissing bits )

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma are you OK with this or do you think he's seeing someone else today? Why has he been on the apps?[/quote]
He's been at work all day (he's sent me video and this was always the case). And will be tomorrow (that's the only bit which might not be true).

I'm guessing he's on the apps because like MrA he likes a bit of eye candy and like me he might have some other conversations going.

@SpringlikeBunk glad you’re not writing off Hedgehog just yet! We all have our negative days, hope you feel a bit better now and The Cold has vacated!! x

@BelladiMamma I think that's good then that he's being honest. I think I've been OLD too long and get suspicious with last minute cancellations. Those really annoy me. Will you meet any of your other chats?

@Naimee87 lol at the pug demolishing an entire pack of biscuits and a slice of cake 😂😂 the little devil!!

I really admire all of your resilience being on the apps!!

That was to anyone who is on them btw 🙂

[quote Misty9]@ibelieveinmirrorballs I just wish I hadn't shagged them before finding this out... 😬 Although, with this latest guy I don't think it would have come out until we had sex as that was the issue for him (feeling like he was cheating despite having been separated for 3yrs).

As for dealing with your own shit before dating, I was definitely guilty of doing that so shouldn't complain really. I'm just a bit fed up of seemingly occupying the role of 'test f%ck' for these guys. Sorry if that's a bit coarse... I'm starting to wonder if one can ever really get over a long marriage ending. I still get sad and mine was medium length. I miss my kids too [/quote]
Its a minefield isn't it?

[quote Eesha]@InABetterPlaceNow I would be open with anxieties if I knew the relationship was going in that direction for sure. I don't think people are too broken but it depends whether you are in the right mindset to want a healthy relationship with someone.[/quote]
Thank you! I definitely want one, and I guess I can keep reassessing if I'm ready for one as I go. I'm most definitely in the camp of "never had a healthy relationship" - at late 30s!

I feel like all I can do is try, reflect (and get sounding boards from friends and here!) and bail out as needed.

@BelladiMamma

Ok, so ... he's postponing by a day. His shoot has overrun. He's asked if I'm available Tuesday, not tomorrow. Might wait for a bit to answer as I don't want to be too reactive.

I am free Tuesday &I totally understand that his work has overrun. It was already running a week late, this shoot. And we wanted a daytime date so that's also understandable.

Just feeling a bit 'meh' as I've been working like a dog today so that I'm free tomorrow.

Oh no! I'm so sorry your gut feel came through. Though he's only postponed, how do you feel about that?

Thanks @Shayelle2009 - I haven't been able to run and do long yoga for a while and that's really put a downer on my MH.

I'm sort of "inventing problems" with the Hedgehog situation rather than just take my own advice and take things one step at a time/at face value.

He hasn't given me any evidence he's not a kind decent reliable person and I'm maybe projecting past irons failings onto him?

I'm reading all the posts about navigating comms and relationships when you're damaged by past abuse and may or may not have had counselling, etc. Someone even mentioned PTSD. Pretty serious stuff and it would explain dating being less than straight forward.

Also lots of mentions of being attracted to people who need 'fixing'.

I'm one of the least fucked up people I know. I'm emotionally stable, had a loving upbringing and get on brilliantly with family, friends and colleagues. I have good boundaries and am not attracted to wrong 'uns. I'm independent and come across as being confident and strong. Yet I haven't had a romantic relationship that didn't end in heartbreak for me. Except for my LTR with father of DS, which was just a bit shit and neither of us wanted to carry on.

Which makes me wonder if I'm too damn boundaried and independent and maybe I'm emotionally unavailable, except I don't really know what that means. There must be a reason a decent catch like me cannot reach that deep connection with someone before they dump me. Maybe I'm too comfortable with my oodie and my wine and MOTD on a Saturday night and not willing to compromise...

I guess my point is that you can struggle with relationships no matter how sorted you are....or seem... and we're all just bimbling along doing our best... not that that's a groundbreaking insight so I guess I'm just sharing my Sunday afternoon thoughts.

[quote Misty9]@InABetterPlaceNow don't feel silly - we're all just figuring this shit out as we go along 🤗 and I think it's a good idea to give your potential partners a heads up about having ptsd. That's very brave and self compassionate too. I'm also an intense person who seeks deep connection - so if that's too much for someone then it's best to know sooner rather than later I think. And we ALL overthink - it's basically the raison d'etre of this thread!

I think all we can do is be as honest with ourselves, and then others, as we can.[/quote]
Thank you!! If I'm entirely honest, it takes someone to challenge me on an intellectual and emotional level before my motors get running if you know what I mean... which seemed incompatible with OLD but yet here me and Me Tux are with me getting fed up of him not making the move and kissing him first

I'll work on fixing that if things don't work out because it's hard work we're over that hurdle. Certainly no love bombing going on as he's living his own life tonight and that's refreshing. Uncomfortable for me, but something I need to get used to.

[quote Shayelle2009]@Naimee87 sending hugs that teacher sounds like a massive twat! So good that your DS isn’t there too much longer though 💗💗[/quote]
Agree with this!!

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma I think that's good then that he's being honest. I think I've been OLD too long and get suspicious with last minute cancellations. Those really annoy me. Will you meet any of your other chats?[/quote]
MrPoet is stepping in, a last minute contender

[quote BelladiMamma]@InABetterPlaceNow I personally don't see a problem with this so long as it doesn't dominate your interaction. I had an iron earlier this year who just wanted to talk about how shit our lives were & personally that's when I think it veers into abuse. The way you've described it, this is just normal being vulnerable amongst decent adults type interaction. At this stage, if it's what you can imagine saying to a good friend and authentically represents who you are, and any boundaries eg 'let's not talk about this anymore' are respected, then it's ok. [/quote]
Thank you! That's reassuring. I'm pretty much a heart on my sleeve type of girl (to my detriment, as much as I should have learnt to be guarded by this point!), and it is the kind of thing I'd tell my friends, who are few but important to me.

@InABetterPlaceNow I'm just going to get back in the horse and not let it phase me too much. He's cute, he's stressed, he's busy. He's been polite about it and immediately suggested the next day. So I'll go with that but I don't want to text him back yet

@WeWantTheFinestWines

I'm reading all the posts about navigating comms and relationships when you're damaged by past abuse and may or may not have had counselling, etc. Someone even mentioned PTSD. Pretty serious stuff and it would explain dating being less than straight forward.

Also lots of mentions of being attracted to people who need 'fixing'.

I'm one of the least fucked up people I know. I'm emotionally stable, had a loving upbringing and get on brilliantly with family, friends and colleagues. I have good boundaries and am not attracted to wrong 'uns. I'm independent and come across as being confident and strong. Yet I haven't had a romantic relationship that didn't end in heartbreak for me. Except for my LTR with father of DS, which was just a bit shit and neither of us wanted to carry on.

Which makes me wonder if I'm too damn boundaried and independent and maybe I'm emotionally unavailable, except I don't really know what that means. There must be a reason a decent catch like me cannot reach that deep connection with someone before they dump me. Maybe I'm too comfortable with my oodie and my wine and MOTD on a Saturday night and not willing to compromise...

I guess my point is that you can struggle with relationships no matter how sorted you are....or seem... and we're all just bimbling along doing our best... not that that's a groundbreaking insight so I guess I'm just sharing my Sunday afternoon thoughts.

Thank you!! Haha yup me here with the PTSD (trust me to bring the big guns in) though it’s super specific scenarios thankfully, rather than a daily struggle.

I think heartbreak is part of the human experience. Though I love your description of Father of DS. That’s a truly beautiful way for things to end in my mind. It shows maturity, and knowing what’s right for you and just moving on.

I think the “reason” is probably because we’re all so complicated. So many wants, feelings, experiences, it’s a wonder that any of us can connect and communicate at all!

My current perspective is the net positive approach. If dating is ultimately making me happier, teaching myself where I need to work on myself a bit, bringing joy and happiness, not taking away from the life I’ve built, even if parts are a bit uncomfortable.