Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

(While I'm swiping I notice Mr Tux and my convo has disappeared... while all those at the same time are still there. Was he serious about saying no to everyone else to see how things worked out with us or a line )

@SpringlikeBunk

The thing is I do know people who haven’t progressed to do things in life out of fear of rejection (not just in dating) and after a while that seems to be actually more stressful than engaging with things? So even if I’m emotionally quaking and need frequent breaks/am just muddling through seems easier to get out there and date.

@SpringlikeBunk agree with this so much and your previous post. And I was quietly shouting at my phone ‘Spring you are self sabotaging’ when I read your post about your message to Mr Hedgehog! @InABetterPlaceNow I do have to keep having a talk to myself that this is good and Mr L is amazing and not like the previous flakes… I keep posting here about my stupid future fears and someone always talks sense into me!!

Oh shit. I might be double booked now. Bollocks.
🤣🤣🤣

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I'm trying to not contact Mr Gambit at all. He wasn't like this when we first met at all. We had some great conversations.

I want to tell him I'm sorry about not responding straight away on Monday. I could kick myself for that.

Most of all, I just want to say 'I'm falling apart and I don't know what to do.'

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards if he is ignoring you because you didn't reply straight away he isn't worth it. Please don't blame yourself you did nothing wrong. It is something I'm learning myself.

@InABetterPlaceNow

(While I'm swiping I notice Mr Tux and my convo has disappeared... while all those at the same time are still there. Was he serious about saying no to everyone else to see how things worked out with us or a line )

@InABetterPlaceNow that happens sometimes. I've had it with previous irons where they get rid of the conversation on the dating site because your already corresponding on WhatsApp or text. ❤️

@Isitreallyme177 thank you for that. ❤️❤️❤️

Did some more digging... he's deactivated his profile and our first messages were adorable 😂🤣

I'm going to stop being silly, breathe, and see what happens

@InABetterPlaceNow

Did some more digging... he's deactivated his profile and our first messages were adorable 😂🤣

I'm going to stop being silly, breathe, and see what happens

@InABetterPlaceNow I've had that happen as well ❤️

Ahh so he could have just deleted the convo?

Right I'll shh and just see how the next few weeks go 😂 damn Sunday nights when all is quiet.

@Isitreallyme177 it just hurts because I've always been there for him. Soon after we first started talking, he got COVID. I was texting and checking in with him all though that. He has done this before but always comes back. I suppose I'm just scared that he might not come back. I know we're not in a relationship, but I do really care about him ❤️

i'm so glad i'm over the whole relationship thing...

it's not that i'm no good at relationships, i'm just really good at being single.

@InABetterPlaceNow

Ahh so he could have just deleted the convo?

Right I'll shh and just see how the next few weeks go 😂 damn Sunday nights when all is quiet.

@InABetterPlaceNow yes. Sometimes when they're taking to you by other means, they delete your convo on the app. ❤️

@InABetterPlaceNow @SpringlikeBunk @Isitreallyme177 @everyoneelse

Interesting how comms styles are our Sunday night chats. We're often feeling a bit reflective on a Sunday night I think as we're either disappointed by our weekends or are thinking ahead to the week and when we're likely to see our irons F2F / talk to them etc. Plus being single, Sundays can feel a bit flat if we haven't been able to see family or friends.

@FabulousMrFifty does your iron / friend have a name? 😊

And to everyone who celebrates it, happy Hanukkah 🕎

I recently discovered through a cousin that we had a Jewish branch of the family in France so I'm now happily celebrating Hanukkah 🕎 as a Christmas precursor. Can't enough candles lit in the winter ❄️ in my book

@CyberNan

i'm so glad i'm over the whole relationship thing...

it's not that i'm no good at relationships, i'm just really good at being single.

So am I!

Apparently they are quite good. Someone to have your back now and then, new problems to help solve (and the satisfaction from that), cuddles and kisses are quite nice from what I've recently been reminded. And that sex thing...

Worth it? I'm not sure.

@BelladiMamma what annoys me is he was the one that suggested going for coffee and having a catch up when he got back (he was very specific about being back in 7 days) so I messaged him yesterday with the days I'm in the office so he could come back with a day. Nothing, nada, zilch.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards thank you! Won't read into it then. Already have new messages pouring in which reassures me there isn't a drought out there.

I can't do multidating in all honesty so will just see if this one needs to end.

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards thank you! Won't read into it then. Already have new messages pouring in which reassures me there isn't a drought out there.

I can't do multidating in all honesty so will just see if this one needs to end.[/quote]
@InABetterPlaceNow you're very welcome ❤️

[quote BelladiMamma]**@InABetterPlaceNow* @SpringlikeBunk* @Isitreallyme177 @everyoneelse

Interesting how comms styles are our Sunday night chats. We're often feeling a bit reflective on a Sunday night I think as we're either disappointed by our weekends or are thinking ahead to the week and when we're likely to see our irons F2F / talk to them etc. Plus being single, Sundays can feel a bit flat if we haven't been able to see family or friends.

@FabulousMrFifty does your iron / friend have a name? 😊

And to everyone who celebrates it, happy Hanukkah 🕎

I recently discovered through a cousin that we had a Jewish branch of the family in France so I'm now happily celebrating Hanukkah 🕎 as a Christmas precursor. Can't enough candles lit in the winter ❄️ in my book[/quote]
Agree re the time to be reflective. I’m trying to take a step back and think - what do I actually need from someone and that I want to take a bit more control of my destiny here I think. I’m starting to feel as though I’ve been too forthcoming and keen and am going to at the very least, pull right back. This anxious attachment tendency is some bullshit.

Iron has just replied saying he’s having an early night and let’s chat tomorrow. Harrumph - has succeeded in making me feel about 0.6% better.

On another more cheery note - Happy Hanukkah to you too!

happy hanukkah everyone!

Happy Hanukkah to everyone who's celebrating ❤️

Hi can I sneak in here for some advice/encouragement please? I've recently started OLD and have a couple of dates lined up. I'm not looking for 'the one' or to enter into anything serious as yet, if love finds me at some point then great, but I'm going into this looking just for dates, maybe new friends, and if a relationship happens that's a bonus. But I haven't dated since I met my H in over 15 years, and even then I used to just slide from hook ups, to FWB situations to more casual relationships without much of a dating phase. I met my H on Match, he was my only match haha, and it all went very quickly without any formal talks about exclusivity etc, but it seems things have changed a lot since then. So any tips you can offer will be very appreciated! Just so you know I have zero expectations and def no rose tinted glasses about either!

First date with a chef is next Sat. Originally the guy suggested we could have dinner but as his shifts can be erratic when he checked his work schedule found it was their Xmas do so he asked to reschedule our date for lunch. It's not a big deal for me as I'm totally free, and seemed genuine rather than flaky. However who forgets their work Xmas do? Is it just me that finds it a bit odd? We've not had many chats, basically asked me out within a few 'hi' introductory messages on Bumble. No idea of anything we might have in common. Is this weird or ok? I'm quite happy with it as I think I'd rather meet sooner than getting invested over text and taking ages to meet. But just want to be forewarned from those of you with more experience.

Second guy (photographer) similar story, only a couple more messages than first guy before asking me out. He wanted to meet this weekend but I was busy, and of course date next Sat. So I said the weekend after. Nothing confirmed. Mainly chatting lightly to me about his interest/hobby but not many questions about me/mine. Has asked about my job so it's not totally one-sided. But I'm still thinking is this a red flag, or is it better to save the conversations for real life? If it matters, Photoguy is a few years older than me and Chef is a couple of years younger.

Thanks if anyone can share words of wisdom!

Did some more swiping and remembered why it was a complete improbably Mr Tux and I even connected. Guys 10 years younger than me liking me or just "looking for fun" 🙄 I'm so stupidly picky.

Going to get some sleep and either remain single or cool my boots on Tux guy. Him having an active social life without me is an anti red flag. If he meets someone out there, I'll have to live with it. If not, means the connection I felt on our side means something..... right?!

[quote Isitreallyme177]@BelladiMamma what annoys me is he was the one that suggested going for coffee and having a catch up when he got back (he was very specific about being back in 7 days) so I messaged him yesterday with the days I'm in the office so he could come back with a day. Nothing, nada, zilch.[/quote]
I think often we can think someone really means what they are saying when in fact they are saying it to make themselves feel better or to keep us happy in that moment.

I’ve despaired in the past thinking “but WHY did they say that to me??” when it’s later become clear it was meaningless. OLD is full of people who often can’t have difficult conversations hence things like ghosting or the slow fade.

Maybe that's happening to me...

hahaha @MayEye - I thought the same and convinced I'd fucked up, but was saved by the language issue (I think?) as he isn't an overthinking nutcase like me, and probably just thought I was having a factual/practical discussion about scheduling.

Even if we both get shot down in flames romantically (I'm sure we won't, your MrL sounds great) we'll keep on at it!