Cheating success stories

[Bexxe]

Has anyone been cheated on and the relationship has gone on to be successful?

By cheating, my situation is a very drunken one night stand that lasted 10 mins.

I really don’t want any judgemental comments or ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ crap - I am wondering if there is any stories out there of people who have forgiven their partners and have gone on to have a successful relationship?

Yes, I’ve been through this. My partner cheated early on in our relationship. We separated for a while but ultimately reconciled and have now been together for quite a long time. It was difficult, I won’t lie, and if you are going to try and work through it my advice would be that you need to do things at your pace and your partner needs to respect that.

Also, to add, I did confide in my closest friend and I am so glad I did. There was no judgement on her part and I don’t think I would have gotten through it as I did without her support.

@Introvertedbuthappy

OP, I mean this with respect, but what he did for you (help you when you were in agony last night) is simply what a normal person does for another when they're in pain. Can you imagine if the roles were reversed? Would you think it was incredible of you to help him if you were in pain? If not, then it's just basic human decency and an expectation of when you're in a partnership.

It's concerning what a saviour complex you have about him, how you want to help him heal, even if you don't end up together. That's not a healthy, equal relationship.

Please take some time to do things for you, that don't involve him. Give yourself some space. What do you enjoy doing? What are your hobbies? Do them. Make yourself happier independent of him. That way, in your future, whether it's with him or not, you are better placed at putting your needs first.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thank you @Introvertedbuthappy - i can see what you are saying and dont disagree that i need ot carve time for myself and work on myself, self growth and love is important to anyones happiness.

I can see why it would seem that i may be co-dependant, and re-reading my comments back i understand there feels an under lying theme to that effect.
However, i am a fiercly independant person, and my resilience has surprised me over the years. I certainly do not feel i need him, or any man for that matter, to make me feel me. I am who i am, infact i like the person i have grown to be so far and i know what i have to offer to the world.
After healing, without a shadow of a doubt i know i would happy on my own and i could move on.

This isnt a question of i feel i need him, its a question of what do I want. I appreciate this may not have come across well, or even make sense to the people that are reading this thinking 'what the hell is she doing' - but i also realise through some of the comments i have recieved that i am not the first to try and discover there way through these emotions and wont be the last

It’s great that YOU are scheduled to see a therapist because that’s the only agency your have in life - what choices you make in response to others actions. You can’t change anyone else. I am sensing some co-dependent traits in you around being too “caring” and “forgiving” and these could inadvertently facilitate and enable his alcoholism even though that sounds counter intuitive. Have a google and see if anything resonates. It seems that you may have a rigid and unrealistic / delusion / in denial mindset - that he is a perfect partner. This is our mind keeping us from the discomfort of the facts in right in front of us and the smoke detector which is our gut that is ringing. I suspect that you know that your family and friends will be both devastated for you and disappointed in him - but probably not totally surprised - that would be hard to tolerate.

Concentrate on you. Have a look at Al Anon (loads of resources online) which support the partners of people struggling with addiction. Get informed. Be honest with yourself about his limitations and yours and work on yours.

Do not bring a baby into this chaotic life - you deserve a better experience of motherhood than what this current set up is likely to deliver. Don’t risk that mess. Look to his parents and his childhood and ask is that what you want for your babies because it’s likely you will be getting a version of that. Remember it’s a progressive disease - his parents at 24 may have been better or worse than he is now.

I also suspect drug binging is happening as aggressive addicts and dealers don’t socialise with people who don’t use. Just the same as his heavy boozing mates. That’s how they socialise together.

“Definitions of codependency vary, but typically include high self-sacrifice, a focus on others' needs, suppression of one's own emotions, and attempts to control or fix other people's problems. People who self-identify as codependents exhibit low self-esteem, but it is unclear whether this is a cause or an effect of characteristics associated with codependency.”

I would have forgiven my ex for cheating (ONS one off), but the deal-breaker for me which caused me to end it was

1. I wasn't told, I had to find out by seeing text messages pop up from the distraught woman he'd slept with wondering why he'd ghosted her after sex. She didn't know he had a partner as one of her messages read "please don't tell me you're in a relationship, I thought you were single"
2. The way he spoke about her, she was just some 'slut' who threw herself at him. No, that word is disgusting and he was complicit if not more so, and she sounded pretty vulnerable.
3. Blamed me rather than accepting full responsibility. Pretty much went around the whole 'script' of denial, blame etc, and didn't focus very much on the remorse side .

These all contributed to me kicking him to the curb, but as mentioned above if he'd had played his cards a bit better I would have been happier to forgive

He woke at 3am this morning, and unasked or prompted made me a hot water bottle and fetched me tablets and stayed awake with me

I'll put forward the radical theory that some other men are capable of doing acts of kindness and consideration towards their partners; who are not also binge drinking til black out, and have cheated (and at least partly blamed binge drunking for some kind of disassociation while cheating).

Not being all bad, bad across the board, horrible, shitty etc all all time (which even abusers are known not to be) doesnt make you serious relationship material! It just makes you human.

And his consideration and "niceness" is also probably amped up because you've recently found out he's cheated on you, and he feels a bit bad but also knows he's got to make the scale look tipped back in the right direction but his "loveliness". . He must know many ppl would put him out on his ear.

*with his lovelinesd

I guess you'll haven't decide if the supportive gestures are worth the shit you're going to be in for if you have kids with him (the heavy drinking abd losing time and blacking out is stressful with a partner, imagine ot with babies and kids at home) and the possibility his out of body cheating experience might "happen" again down the line.

He also has "interesting" friends and background/context, which he does not appear able to cut ties with. That leaves a lot of opportunities for that kind of crap.

Are you married or partners and have you only been together 2.5 years?

We are not married, no kids but live together and have been together 2 1/2 years yes.

People are responding sounding like the assumptions if i allow him back into my life there will not be clear boundaries and expectations as to what is acceptable and what is not moving forward.

Going out with his friends? He doesnt do that now anyway since we had issues months ago, thats no longer an issue.

Alcohol in general - is a clear boundary that if he was to break he would be gone.

I am not considering giving him a free pass to continue the relationship like it was. This would be a new relationship, with new expectations and new boundaries, all of which would be decided by what makes me comfortable. If any make him uncomfrtable, then i know he is not serious in me and our future so it would be a non starter.

I dont agree and think its highly unkind to assume people are destined toa life similar to those of their parents. That's not me being optimistic, that is a fact that it is not always the case and i think its quite narrowminded to assume people cannot make their own path and change direction on that path.
Has his parents alcohol habits effected what he classes as normal? Absolutely, up until now.

Sometimes, time can only tell.

Alcohol in general - is a clear boundary that if he was to break he would be gone.

Are you saying he has stopped drinking and says he won't drink again?

Going out with his friends? He doesnt do that now anyway since we had issues months ago, thats no longer an issue.

Is he planning on making other friends or acquaintances then? That's a pretty important part of life.
Is he going to be tee total when put with any new friends?

@Allsortsofroses This only happened Saturday night so no drinking since then but it wouldnt be usual for any alcohol to be consumed anyway so thats nothing to really go on.
He has explained to me multiple times since that he wont be drinking again. He realises the impact of that statement, he knows the amount of social events are normalised for alcohol and that he could potentially be excluding himselves from things but its something he feels he has to do to be the person he wants to be.
He has said that he knows he cannot handle alcohol like a normal person can and he does not want to 'try and handle it' because it could leave room for error, so this leaves him to cut it out completely. He is 24 years old and understands the life time ahead of him with that decision, but has said he knows he cannot carry on the rest of his life with his previous attitidue towards alcohol.

He has other circles of friends, friends from work, family friends all of whom he gets on extremely well with and are lovely people. He also has multiple brothers in who he is extremely close with so he wont be friendless so to speak.
We haven't discussed specifics, as there is nothing concrete to actually discuss yet as i have made it clear i want time to heal fromt he pain before i can make any decision, but the conversation we have had regarding alcohol implied teetotal full stop.

think its highly unkind to assume people are destined toa life similar to those of their parents

I don't know about following the same path as his parents, bit ot sounds like hes been damaged by their choices (you said he felt his mother always chose alcohol) ...I suppose a mother (the one, fairly or not, seen as more nurturing and child focused than a father) doing that is possibly even worse than a father doing it. That's a shit tonne of damage and issues to sort (which may never be sorted) and her need to ve in individual counselling intensively, whether you stay together or not.

Perhaps the ONS he had is as much about validation as drunkeness.
Also perhaps he has inherited some of the same addhctjve/compulsive etc behaviours as his addiction parents which underpin why he can't stop when he started. It's acknowledged now that predisposition to addictive abd compulsive behaviours can be genetic.

He sounds damaged and issue laden, and you're being hurt and mistreated as a result.

He shouldn't have to not have a social life outsude of being in in couple, in order to act decently. It reminds me of women on here managing bank accounts for gamblers, and monitoring all comms for cheaters; whk wants to be nanny, mammy, parol officer etc? You'll have enough with your own kids without your partner being an honourary kid too.

[quote Newnameagainagainagain]@Bexxe I just feel I really need to say this you OP… you are young, but the years do go quickly. He has issues with alcohol and has cheated on you when you are not yet married, when you don’t have DC (and the real hard graft begins). These behaviours are likely to get worse, not better. Please think carefully, or before you know it, 10 years will have flown by, you’ll probably have some DC which makes everything all the more complicated, and you’ll have wasted your youth and fertile years on someone who didn’t deserve it. Ask me how I know this

The best thing you can do right now is get yourself into individual counselling to understand why you would consider accepting this behaviour. I wish I had done that.[/quote]
This

Sorry, I I you've said he'll have a social life with other friends and acquaintances.

He shouldn't have to not have a social life outsude of being in in couple, in order to act decently. It reminds me of women on here managing bank accounts for gamblers, and monitoring all comms for cheaters; whk wants to be nanny, mammy, parol officer etc? You'll have enough with your own kids without your partner being an honourary kid too.

I 1000% agree, infact discussed this last night. Saying if things were to progress, it would need to be in a way that is non-controlling but works for both of us still. To truely move on, there needs to be understandbale boundaries but i do not want to be 'in control' and feel i have to manage him. If it felt like that, i would know it would never work. It would be an extremely difficult balance to work to

From reading your updates OP, you sound like such a kind and caring person. You sound like someone who always tries to see the best in people, which I can personally relate to.

What I would add given the new information about his drinking/friends/how he describes the incident as 'out of body' is that it's going to be hard to establish and stick to your boundaries while assuming the best about what he says and does.

For example- saying that it was an 'out of body', disassociative sort of experience just can't be true IMO. He may be trying to make it less distressing for you, or trying to minimise, but he was in control of his actions enough to have sex with another woman. I'm not saying this to upset you, but in my experience, if you let yourself be drawn in by this sort of minimising then you won't process it fully and you'll still be wrangling with it way down the line.

He may be capable of changing, but it sounds like there are some aspects of his personality that are deeply dysfunctional. Only time will tell if he is capable of following through on what he's saying and making long-term change, and I understand why you feel that you need to give him the chance. All I'm saying is view everything he says and does with a healthy dose of scepticism and don't be too drawn in by the tears, because it can make it really hard to assert boundaries when you're caught up in wanting to help him, ESPECIALLY if he's being really emotional.

So he, a 24 Yr old, is going to be tee total for life?

Op, I think the chances of him sticking to that are low.

Hrs much younger than I expected, and v young (given his behaviour) to be a potential father, as was the case before your sad loss.

Which presumably means you are around the same age.
You are so young tk ve throwing yourself away on.this damaged young man who has cheated on you.

I now understand why why thinks the out of body cheating experience thing might fly; older older would have laughed him out of the room.

You could have a much much easier path in relationships than this, abd you could pick a much much better bet as a Dad for your future kids.

Please please sort your contraception because another pregnancy that goes full.term will make this a real cluster fk, and you'll you'll tied to him for life, abd your child will have to as a parent for life.

OP I've been going though this for the past 18 months. With DH it was a brief emotional affair (she thought he was fucking amazing, so did I but I didn't tell him that everyday because we both had jobs, kids and responsibilities) but the disassociation was there. It was like the man he is shut off entirely and was replaced with someone who was a sort of vacuum. Even in photos of him taken when it was going on he looks different.

In the beginning it was incredibly hard and a lot of my friends knew because I broke down a couple of days later and we were at a group activity. None of them told me to leave him. They all said how completely out of character it was and have all been supportive of both of us.

A few said that you have to truly forgive to get anywhere or you'll drive a wedge between the pair of you that can't be removed. That's the hardest thing. Knowing he made choices which hurt me, as I was asking him WTF he was doing for weeks before I found out. He saw the pain I was going through but chose to lie as to keep his little relationship with her going. A ONS would have been easier in some respects I think but then it wasn't and I've not been there so I can't say for sure.

He had the sexual health checks, went to counselling alone. We went together as well and he tried everyday. He's still trying. It's hard when you look at them and they look like the same person but to you they aren't. They've made this choice that you had no part of which has changed your life forever.

They'll be a lot of LTB on here, I had it but they are still the person who you fell in love with, who weathered the shit bits with you and who you grew with.

If you think you can truly forgive him and he is remorseful you have a good chance, you're only young and if it doesn't work out you won't be at the stage where you can't move on. He admitted it all which I think says a lot about him.

We've both reacted to things in different ways, I think he's never had open affection in his life (other than from me), his parents are very Victorian and I've never heard them say they love him or are proud of him. Then along she comes and he can literally walk on water, he's clever, handsome, funny, successful and wanted. I had a dreadful upbringing and tried everything to make life perfect which for me and in a way him a huge mantle to carry. How you grew up and what you've been through makes a huge difference to how you react in situations. Especially his relationship with his mother, it all sounds pretty horrific and although is not an excuse it sounds as though it does affect him greatly.

It's really really hard but not impossible. There will be shit days where you feel like your chest is compressed and you want to reach out to him to be comforted but have this weird conundrum that he was the one that caused the pain you need to be comforted for. Do you grab on or push him away.

Take time, really talk, think about what you want going forward, is this the man you want to make your future with, be the father of your children. Don't make rash decisions.

You're not any less than those who say cheating would be their line in the sand, it's a harder path to tread to not LTB but it has to be right and you have to get to the point where it's not the first thing on your mind when you wake up and all your decisions aren't clouded by this one thing,

Sorry, a lot of rambling there.

@candlelightsatdawn

I don't understand why people don't run a mile once this kind of background and behaviour of the boyfriend - because it would rear it's head whilst still at the boyfriend stage rather than partner, live-in etc - asserts itself. It's a recipe for hell.

This is where if you haven't had lived experience of a situation, it's incredibly hard to see what it's like from the other side. It's the type language of victim blaming that keeps people stuck in this cycle, keeps feeding that shame cycle and so it goes on.

People tend to (not always) mirror what they had in childhood, into their adult life.

Coming along with a why are you putting up with this behaviour type negates the fact that although it's abnormal to what you have lived and accepted in the past ignored the fact to OP it may actually not be. It takes women 8 times to leave a DV situation. Let that sink in. These women(and men) are not dumb, less than or unworthy, it normally comes from a place of what was their normal at childhood or somewhere into early adulthood and therefore normal to them now. It's harder to spot the abnormal when you grow up in it (I'm not suggesting there's been DV here OP it's just similar vein how people are talking here to how people tend talk about victims of DV)

What most people don't realise is that saying aren't you silly in this situations, shuts the person down when they absolutely need to talk. It's important to not isolate the person who is suffering which is currently the OP.

You're attributing quotes to me that I haven't made. And where am I victim blaming, shaming or whatever?

I said I don't understand how people- in general - don't run a mile once they find out someone's an alcoholic or has these sorts of issues BEFORE they're invested, saying they're in love etc.

With DH it was a brief emotional affair ..... He had the sexual health checks

If you think you can truly forgive him and he is remorseful you have a good chance, you're only young and if it doesn't work out you won't be at the stage where you can't move on.

Not if op falls pregnant again.

@VitalsStable thank you so much for sharing your story, and pleae dont apologise for the detail - its what i was hoping to achieve form this post, an open honest reflection of your story.

I think i am concerned about how i could potentially view him in the future, but i do feel young enough that if even in 2 years time i wont be stressing about my age - and i dont have any ties that would make it difficult for me to leave. I never see my decisions as a waste of time or regret, because at one stage it was what i wanted and there is a lesson to be learnt from everyhting, so i dont believe i would look back on it as wasted years.

Ive said many times on this post the honesty is what is amking me even consider keeping him around. He has told me every (vile) detail of what happened, how it happened and how he felt in the moment. A few people have commented it seems an excuse, but in the conversation it doesnt feel he is making any excuses for what he did, more trying to answer my questions and try to give an explanation of something he says he struggles to understand why it happened himself.

But thank you for the reassurance and lack of judgement, i feel a distinct split of opinion between those who have been through this experience, and those who have not.

Also you're already heavily locked in with your cheater; married, kids (and btw all the childhood, parents, I'm a perfectionist etc stuff is bullshit, you know; he did it because he wanted to) .....

op is not locked in; this is a crucial junction of her life. I actually think it's irresponsible verging on cruel to encourage her to continue investing given what we know of his background and behaviour.