Cheating success stories

[Bexxe]

Has anyone been cheated on and the relationship has gone on to be successful?

By cheating, my situation is a very drunken one night stand that lasted 10 mins.

I really don’t want any judgemental comments or ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ crap - I am wondering if there is any stories out there of people who have forgiven their partners and have gone on to have a successful relationship?

Haven’t read all the replies but from experience, I’d suggest telling one or two trusted family members or friends only, if you are wanting to reconcile. I told about 10 people, and a lot of those people actively distanced themselves from us after that. People judge and can find it hard to forgive

I can only give my experience - my husband cheated on me with someone he used to know (school reunion) when I was 7 months pregnant and had an 18 month old.

He was remorseful, begged me to forgive him, etc, so I did and we had another 10 mostly happy years together. Before he had a full blown affair. We are now divorcing.

I made the decision to forgive the first time and I never brought it up again, but I'd be lying if I said I forgot it and it didn't change the way I felt about him and our marriage slightly from that day.

@Newnameagainagainagain

Haven’t read all the replies but from experience, I’d suggest telling one or two trusted family members or friends only, if you are wanting to reconcile. I told about 10 people, and a lot of those people actively distanced themselves from us after that. People judge and can find it hard to forgive

That’s what I am afraid of @Newnameagainagainagain - if I confide in people, and then decide to give it a go - it will be hard enough as it is to work through it without negative opinions of other people and people walking away and distancing themselves from us.

Yes it was a horrid horrid thing to do, but if I have made the choice to forgive I don’t want judgement from others. I would want to get to a point where we can be integrated with all friends and family without me knowing of their disapproval

@Bexxe your instincts are correct! Its important you have support and have an outlet, so if you can I would try to find at least one or two people you can confide in safely, plus get an individual counsellor. For your other friends, I wouldn’t tell them personally but I also wouldn’t try to play happy families (otherwise you’ll withdraw from them anyway because the pressure to pretend will be too much) so I think it’s ok to say you’ve got issues in the marriage which are causing you pain but that you don’t wanna talk about it.

Has he been in touch with a counsellor?
I'd expect that to have happened asap after he'd agreed to it.

I think I could get past the sex but it wasn't just 10 minutes of drunken madness. Even if she was a stranger, there'll have been chat, flirting, and ultimately a decision to leave wherever they were together to go and have sex.
That would be my issue - the whole build up and him minimising it.

Yes. Takes a bloody long time.and heartache though.

OP asked for any cheating success stories, yet still so many comments with reasons why she shouldn't reconcile. Heads up .... if you've been cheated on you already know all the reasons why you shouldn't, most of us have spent years telling anyone who'll listen the reasons we would never forgive a cheater. It is very easy to list those reasons hypothetically but when actually faced with it then you have to look hard and deep into what's gone on and the reasons it's happened.

I was cheated on, same drunken ONS. I wasn't told by my dh either it was disclosed to me by a 3rd party. So on paper that's unforgivable. But almost 2 yrs on from the disclosure I'm happier than ive been for years. We were in a massive big fat rut, both resentful, both not very nice to each other a lot of the time but the flip side was we had a reasonably happy family life. But being pushed to the point of separating actually made us face all our problems head on and then turning around and saying to each other that despite everything we still want to be together just completely changed the relationship moving forward. We'd stopped communicating in any meaningful way previous to it happening.
My dh knows though that it was his one and only chance, i would never forgive any form of deceit or betrayal from him again because then i would know for sure he is not the man i thought he was. Ultimately his actions after being found out spike volumes and continues to do so ever since.

I saw a quote the other day that rang true 'so many people from your past know a version of you that no longer exists. Growth is beautiful'

I know many of you who have been badly hurt by cheaters because you couldn't forgive or those who chose to forgive and then were betrayed again I completely get where you are coming from but every now and again it can work out xxx

@AmIteallythatstupid thank you for your perspective and your story.
If i geniunely believe he was a serial cheater or wasn't remorseful then i would not be entertaining it.
But i am trying to focus on in the short amount of time what he has done to try and put it right.
He was (brutally) honest and upfront with everything, every detail. He has shown nothing but compassion and remorse (probably mixed in with guilt, but part of me is glad he feels guilty, if he wasn't then that would be worrying on its own) since and has so far acted in the way i would expect someone too who shows a geniune remorse for their actions and with the correct building blocks to try and rebuild a relationship in the future.

Its such a long long way to go, and i can only go on what has happended since, and i am confident we could potentially start to work towards building something in the future.

For now, i am angry and upset and hurt, and i am allowing myself to feel these feelings and deal with them in an appropriate time frame. Only once i feel ready to move forward, will we even try to work together again.

No

@AmIteallythatstupid… lots of people who are giving reasons why OP should or shouldn’t reconcile ARE people who have been there ourselves….Myself included. In OPs position, with no kids as a tie, I wouldn’t reconcile. I gave that advice from an informed position of someone who DID choose to stay (kids involved). 6 years on, I am questioning if that was the right choice because despite a LOT of work on both sides, the hurt and pain have never fully left. I don’t look at my DH the same as I once did even though he is arguably a better man now. It’s great that your DH’s ONS proved to be a wake up call and spurred you on to fix things, but cheating is not always a result of a “bad” relationship (it doesn’t sound like that in OPs case) and OP should know both sides of the equation

@Newnameagainagainagain i appreciate your post.
I do of course fear this may be the case, i fear i may never view him the same again and i am not under any illusion this would never happen.
I do tend to hold on to things, which is part of the fear surrounding this issues. And i have expressed this fear to him, who responded with words to the like that he understands that accepting to try again may not work out, he knows that trying may not bring the outcome he wants but he is willing to at least try and see if we can, and if we can't then its not time or effort lost as he wants to be with me.

And i must admit i feel the same, i guess im aware that trying to put a relationship back together doesnt always mean it will be done, but i think i may regret it more if i dont try.

@Newnameagainagainagain 100% agree but she hadn't actually asked for both sides of the equation BUT she has said she appreciates your response so its all good. I actually don't look at my husband the same anymore either, I actually like mine a lot more now as quite frankly before this happened i thought he could be a right dick and quite full of self importance (I'm assume this came from being relatively successful in his career and being very high up in his company. i think he believed his own hype). What happened really knocked him as I don't think doing something like that and inflicting the pain that he did was in line with his own narrative...he really wasn't that kind of person but it turned out he was exactly that kind of person. That in itself completely changed him he is now a more thoughtful, gentle person and very aware of my feelings whereas before I genuinely think he thought his took precedence over ours! I think ultimately it changed the dynamics of our relationship somewhat.... the new dynamics actually suit me a lot better. But it took a hard 18 months to get here, you definitely have to grapple with feelings that you are a mug and a doormat etc to even consider moving on with someone who has done this to you but ultimately i know i feel in control of my own life and feel confident that i'll do whats right for me in the future xxx

@Bexxe that makes a lot of sense and is how we both felt too. I’m not sure whether we will make it, but I know that I would have regretted not trying. I think we were both a bit naive though and just assumed that if we both worked hard enough we’d be able to “fix it”. So far for us, it hasn’t worked out that way (but we wouldn’t have known if we hadn’t tried).

Something to keep in mind is, do you have the years to spare to try? Are you desperate for DC for example and running out of time? If you spent 6 years trying and finally decide to throw in the towel, will you feel certain doors are now closed to you?

Been in a relationship like that
Once a cheater always a cheater

@Newnameagainagainagain All i an think to do is try and work on ourselves, and then see if we can work with eachother. I am very aware that majority of this work will need to come from him, i can work on my views and my issues with holding on to issues, but he has actual actions to prove. I have always said no matter what situation i am in, i want to walk out of it with my head high knowing i have tried my all and been the best version of myself, and if it doesnt work thats how i plan to exit.

I am only 26, so not desperately running out of time. I have never imagined myself with DC before meeting this man, and i am not sure how interested i would be if we didnt work and i met someone else.
My future has been with him in mind, and whilst i accept that may now be different and i need to learn to deal with that, i would be continuing to work towards the only man i have ever seen that picture with - im not sure if thats makes sense?

And i know a lot of people will be thinking, your only 26 pack up and move on, but i know a lot of you will understand why thats not my first instinct. When you meet someone you feel you connect with on every level (even if he has turned out to betray many aspects of that) its hard to wipe out the years of memories that led you to that feeling.

I know many of you who have been badly hurt by cheaters because you couldn't forgive or those who chose to forgive and then were betrayed again I completely get where you are coming from but every now and again it can work out

See now I shared my own tale of woe and it's outcome mainly because there were key differences between ops DH and mine.
I would have loved for my ex DH to have been kind enough to tell me honestly than how I found out, maybe that would have saved us IDK but I wished I had tried.

Thing is I really really wanted to forgive him. For the child we lost and the child we have together now. In the end we tried but failed to make it work, that sadness hasn't left me. But I didn't really know which camp I was going to sit in, until I thought one day, I can't do this and I'm truly someone who thinks love conquers all so it was a shock to me.

My friend was the reverse to me, she said she would never forgive a cheater but when reality hit and DP cheated and she did forgive him and they are happy really happy with some work. Cheating is a symptom of issues not the disease.

What I'm trying to say is you may think your part of one camp, but actually time comes along and makes you aware of inner feelings you never had and boom that's it your in the other.

Neither camp has a higher moral ground than the other. To stay or not to stay says 0 about a persons character of will. It only shows if they can make it work or not.

You sound like you have great insight @Bexxe your going into it eyes open. At 26 your young enough so you’ve got time to sit with it for a while and see how you feel, see if his actions follow his words and if you can get past it. I wouldn’t give it more than 2 years personally. You can see from the thread that the people who are happy they stayed and moved past it said it took them about 2 years. I’m here 6 years on and not over it, so probably should have thrown in the towel 4 years ago. I hope it all works out for you OP

@candlelightsatdawn i completely see where your coming from, i have always been adament i could never even comprehend staying with someone who could hurt me so, so i am confused at myself for even considering it. I do believe i have a lot to work on how i view myself because of this, i do feel weak and i do feel a pushover because i have gone back on what ive always said. I am aware this is not exactly the case, but i will need to work on viewing this differently.

@Newnameagainagainagain thank you for your kinds words, and your open opinion despite your own struggles. I really appreciate the time you have taken to listen to me and understand. I am sorry things didnt work out how you hoped xx

@Bexxe it's about letting go of what you thought you would do and just accepting what is true to you (god I sound like a greeting card) .

My poor pal used to sob to me because she really didn't think she was "that type of person" but I reminded her that actually she's just a person this choice doesn't define her as a person, and it's her life, she gets to live it and unless someone's walked in her specific shoes, then to let go of judging herself and tell everyone else to swing. You have already experienced a terrible unkindness, you do not need any more from anyone esp yourself.

You’re very welcome @Bexxe. And to balance my story, I just remembered that I do know one success story. Short affair prior to marriage, she forgave him, they did counselling & he turned his life around. He changed his job & they moved cities for a fresh start. They’ve been married now for 15 years, have 3 kids together and a wonderful life. But he worked very very hard for it. Just know that whatever way it goes, you can survive it! X

Oh and Bex I agree with pp poster who mentioned at 2 year mark review (if you do give it a go) if your answer isn't 100% defo over it then chances are you won't be. And that's ok too. The best gift you can give yourself is grace.

This is coming from someone who really wanted to make it work. Also do some reading on the sunk fallacy in terms of time invested vs return. It's important to have a deadline and not let it drag on. Don't let life pass you by xxx good luck 💐

*My poor pal used to sob to me because she really didn't think she was "that type of person"•••

This resonates. I think everyone of us is capable of forgiveness however what makes it so hard is by forgiving someone who has cheated on you is the internal struggle you have with yourself over choosing to forgive such a thing. I know it was one of the harder things for me to come to terms which. Did it make me weak, a victim, a oushover, someone who people will roll there eyes at etc. i found it embarrassing as well. I have to say that reading lots of MN threads didn't help my state of mind early on as i really did thing i was making a mug of myself.

@candlelightsatdawn thank you so much, i cant describe how helpful and comfroting your words have been. I am so happy their are kind people left in the world x

@AmIteallythatstupid - I think this is the thing i had never considered, even though i havent done anything wrong, i am also still having to work on myself to make it better through no fault of my own. I have booked in to see a therapist this Friday and i think one of the main things i want to discuss is how i view myself in the light of potential forgiveness. I don't wish my self esteem or confidence to devalue because i feel like forgiving something i though was unforgiveable changes me.
I could walk away with my head held high right now knowing i have been nothing but kind and nurturing in this relationship, so i dont want the act of forgiving to make me question myself.

@AmIteallythatstupid

*My poor pal used to sob to me because she really didn't think she was "that type of person"•••

This resonates. I think everyone of us is capable of forgiveness however what makes it so hard is by forgiving someone who has cheated on you is the internal struggle you have with yourself over choosing to forgive such a thing. I know it was one of the harder things for me to come to terms which. Did it make me weak, a victim, a oushover, someone who people will roll there eyes at etc. i found it embarrassing as well. I have to say that reading lots of MN threads didn't help my state of mind early on as i really did thing i was making a mug of myself.

I think it's a terrible unkindness to make someone who's already been kicked in the balls, to then come along and be like "nanana look at you, I would never stand for that, I'm so superior saying I would leave" yet that person has rarely experienced what you have gone through. MN is especially prevailant for this type of one upman ship because it makes that poster feel better, more superior.

It's like expecting all car crash victims to be able to walk out the car unharmed (it does happen) and for the others critically hurt and can't move - to then go oh look at weakling you can't move, what's wrong with you I did it.

Problem is we are all different.

Sad fact of the matter is, most people unconsciously think that the cheated on fundamentally may have done something to deserve it, especially the ones who have been cheated on by the nature of the act.

All cheating is a reflection of the person who cheated, not true person who was cheated on. That's why it's on the cheater to make changes or be brave enough to say I can't this is who I am fundamentally.

Honest to god my catholic guilt really kicked in, and I struggled thinking I was giving up and letting people down for walking away but I had to remain true to my inner me. Despite what people thought.

Funnily enough I got a lot of people saying you can work through it if your strong enough, funnily enough people used to say that to my pal too.

@Bexxe kindness is a learnt skill. So is empathy and I will tell you something for free. Some of the kindness best people I know have experienced the hell fires and survived and thrived.

You too whatever you chose - you will be given a gift - in the pain (not one you wanted or will want right now) and one day you may be able to help someone else being burnt alive by the hell fires, and will walk back in to hell with buckets of water to help put out their flames and come out unharmed. Promise.

No everyone can do that and it's a special type of ignorance for others to suggest they are stronger because they haven't faced true pain and for those people I feel sorry because they won't be strong enough when it comes to their turn.
Life likes to make fools of us all. Xx