Cheating success stories

[Bexxe]

Has anyone been cheated on and the relationship has gone on to be successful?

By cheating, my situation is a very drunken one night stand that lasted 10 mins.

I really don’t want any judgemental comments or ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ crap - I am wondering if there is any stories out there of people who have forgiven their partners and have gone on to have a successful relationship?

To my mind the only way forward if you are going to stay with him (I suspect you are no matter what is said here and it is your decision and must be respected) is to get him to face his issues, and get help.

A long, rocky, up and down, uncertain, frustrating, stressful, embittering, soul destroying
self sacrificing, possibly failed route.

Hos parents are like that, hos mates are like that. That's his norm.
Hes already shagged someone else drunk.

If he's not the father of any of your kids (if you have any) just run. This is masochism.

Don't do the female martyr, helper, stand by him, codependant thing - this is your life. Be happy with someone who has got this major issue and who hadn't betrayed you.

*hasn't, obviously

Set your bar higher.
Look after yourself; don't give your heart and life to disordered individuals who already fucked you over.

Itll be painful short term, but long term you'll thank yourself in spades.

@Bexxe I just feel I really need to say this you OP… you are young, but the years do go quickly. He has issues with alcohol and has cheated on you when you are not yet married, when you don’t have DC (and the real hard graft begins). These behaviours are likely to get worse, not better. Please think carefully, or before you know it, 10 years will have flown by, you’ll probably have some DC which makes everything all the more complicated, and you’ll have wasted your youth and fertile years on someone who didn’t deserve it. Ask me how I know this

The best thing you can do right now is get yourself into individual counselling to understand why you would consider accepting this behaviour. I wish I had done that.

I feel for you here OP. You have specifically asked for success stories and what you've had instead seems to be a lot of armchair psychologists throwing out pretty damning diagnoses. None of us are familiar enough with your partner to make any kind of accurate assessment as to whether he is an alcoholic, an abuser etc and coupled with what's already going on in your life, that must be difficult to read. Lots of people occasionally go out and get wasted (me included) and don't always behave in ways we are proud of. You've made it clear you want to stick with this man and I will reiterate my previous point that, yes, it is possible and I do know of a fair few couples who have successfully reconciled after things like this. Good luck xx

@Thewookiemustgo wow, thank you so much, you have brought tears to my eyes. I really want you to know i am taking in every word you have said, because you are completely right.

I didnt mention points from my previous post, as i didn't want to come across as i am blaming the alcohol for what he has done. I realise that drunk or not, he at some point made them choices to hurt me like he has, and that is still a huge issue i will need to see if i can accept and move past.

From my perspective, he still has a very active alcoholic mother who is more on the 'unfunctional' side then functioning. He has explained times in his childhood that he has stood saying its me or alcohol, and his mother has picked alcohol, every single time. I geniunely believe from over the years he has been resistant to admit any sort of alcohol issues and address them, because he is deeply ashamed to be viewed in a similar light to his mother. His biggest fear he has always told me is to be compared to her, and grow up to be a version of her. By accepting he has alcohol issues, is accepting his worst fears have come true.

He see's it that because he does not drink every night, its okay. Obviously, he now realises that it is not. There is a lot of painful acceptance linked to his childhood regarding facing his alcohol issues, but for the first time since knowing him, i have heard him openly admit these issues over the past few days.
I have heard him discuss that he is thinking how he can navigate these issues, what situations he may face (by this i mean invites out by friends, weddings etc) and start to question how best to move forward.

To my delight, he has contacted a therapist and is arranging his first session for as soon as possible to begin the process. As mention, my support during this is for the man i love to be the best version of himself, despite the pain he has caused me. I wish bad on no-one, i do not live in bitterness or spite, and my support for him to get help is not linked to my decision of whether to rekindle or not.

But you are right, i also need to protect myself and not allow myself to be consumed by helping others and ignoring my pain. I need to be selfish and put myself as priority.

But then i also think of the man i have known for 2 1/2 years, who held me as i sobbed on the bathroom floor after we went through a miscarriage

Someone would have to be a bit of a psychopath not to comfort their partner (or anyone they know) going through a miscarriage. While thete have been men mentioned on this forum psychopathic enough, not to do so (!), it's just normal, and normal thing to do, it's not some indicator of exceptional character.

If you mean thst you went through that v traumatic experience together; yes, but there's a flip side to that ... which is that you went through thst traumatic experience together (or at least have there) yet he still shagged someone drunk behind your back, still betrayed you & your relationship.

I obviously don't know what happened but hope youre using reliable contraception - because this is not a good situation to bring kids into. Not with a father who has alcohol issues and has cheated on you. You can subject yourself to this and whatever happens ongoing (though I sincerely hope you.dont) but kids who didn't choose abd are very vulnerable, is another thing.

@Buildingthefuture

I feel for you here OP. You have specifically asked for success stories and what you've had instead seems to be a lot of armchair psychologists throwing out pretty damning diagnoses. None of us are familiar enough with your partner to make any kind of accurate assessment as to whether he is an alcoholic, an abuser etc and coupled with what's already going on in your life, that must be difficult to read. Lots of people occasionally go out and get wasted (me included) and don't always behave in ways we are proud of. You've made it clear you want to stick with this man and I will reiterate my previous point that, yes, it is possible and I do know of a fair few couples who have successfully reconciled after things like this. Good luck xx

Thank you @Buildingthefuture - i expected so when i made the post, so whilst some comments are hard to read and digest, i know its because they could be true. I asked for success stories because i know of all the failed ones, i know the statistics of how relationships usually end up after infidelity. But i also know there is a percentage that manage to move past this and have happy futures, i wanted to hear their stories, the good and the bad and whether they found it worthwhile.

To my surprise, there have been many that have said they are actually in a better position then before. Not that i am being niave meaning that will be me, but its not something i have looked into before and i like to research to make the best informed decision i feel like i can make

I don't think it's reasonable to expect only happy ending stories - people who have been down this road and it hasn't worked out can have helpful things to say as well. Pitfalls they fell into, what they would do differently. And not just don't do it .

I think if the chap is blaming the alcohol for his actions, especially with his family history and background of alcohol abuse - it's not out of line to suggest he's a prime candidate for alcoholism because the stats would tell you the same - and quitting altogether would be a solid way of showing his desire to change.

Personally I would have an internal time limit on trying to get over it, and I'd want to see real action on his part to address things. Words and tears are easy.

and what you've had instead seems to be a lot of armchair psychologists throwing out pretty damning diagnoses

Wow that's incredibly derogatory. Some posters have specifucally saud they've been through similar.
And others, you don't know what their knowledge and experience is.

Also in general, substance misuse issues (and possible personality issues behind them) are notoriously difficult to solve. So given he has one, do much so its being rolled out as an excuse for cheating on.op during an "out of body" experiences, no wonder people are erring on the side of "run", esp before kids are added to the mix.

None of us are familiar enough with your partner to make any kind of accurate assessment as to whether he is an alcoholic, an abuser etc

I don't think anyone suggested he is an (intentional) abuser.

As for everything else, op's descriptions (probably pretty moderate) alongside his actions and excuses; tell the story.

Would you want this for your daughter?

"My partner of two and a bit years has cheated on me drunk, but says it was a sort of outer body experience, because he was so drunk"

...... if you told her to continue the relationship and risk falling pregnant again , you'd not be making the podium for works best Mum now, would you.

I'm not aware of any major shortage in men in the world, there are others, why do this yo yourself with a low quality one.

(No doubt he had good qualities but I'm afraid all this makes him low quality).

And I have to say, at one time, I would have said "it's made us stronger" and "we're happier than ever" too - but ultimately he let me down again. But that's my story, not necessarily yours.

It's a lottery and a risk, and crucially, not something you can control. That's the challenge, because you're putting your faith in someone else, who has already shown you he can fail you.

Just make sure you have a strong support network and friends and your own life, don't shrink your world to him, and keep financial independence.

Further on that, it says a lot that op feels she cant/doesn't want to duscuss this with fanily and friends.

@MsDogLady

Bexxe, when your Partner binged and cheated, was he out with his thuggish, drug addicted childhood friends you’ve been so anxious about?

I recall your previous thread where you described P’s long-time main friendship group as violent drug addicts/dealers who are always causing trouble and chaos. You and P were once actually threatened with a knife, and you witnessed one of the men roughing up his GF. Most of them can’t keep jobs due to their drug abuse. You were struggling with his continued tolerance of them.

Although P condemns their behavior and is taking a different path in life, he won’t completely separate from these mates. He didn’t even cut off the one who was violent with his GF, which greatly bothered you. You spoke of his moral dilemma. Posters urged you to walk away.

You’ve also written about his alcohol abuse. He takes one drink, binges, comes home 7 hours later, and doesn’t recall how he got there. (I do wonder if he is also taking drugs with his aforementioned friends.) As others have commented, he is going to need professional help to quit drinking.

Bexxe, you consider P to be your perfect, fairy-tale match, but he has brought toxicity, danger, and destructive energy into your life. Alcohol abuse, unreliability, violence, drug/criminal association….and now infidelity.

Proceed at your own peril.

Aw, op.

Run.

You can do better than this.

You've given it two and a half years, he's shown you this. That's long enough to know, but not long in the scheme of things.

Don't get into sunken costs fallacy.

Don't get into martyrdom.

The bond you've formed with him can be formed with another man, in time.

I wouldn't be bringing kids into this.

@category12 and @Allsortsofroses
Please dont think i am not grateful for you taking the time to comment, because i am. And i dont want to put anyone under the illusion that i dont know the amount of stories which didnt work out, because i do.
I always truely thought i would run for the hills, he had a bag packed ready to go for after he told me to my face, as he also knew the likely outcome.
And if he was anyone else, and any previous relationship i have been in, he would be gone without a shadow of a doubt.

Maybe i sound ridiculous, and maybe its quite clear i have a lot more love and respect that he does/did for me. I am under no illusion of what he has done, alcohol or not. And es i agree with you Allsortsofroses that it would take a psychopath to not support someone through something like that, but im am sure we have all been in situations that can show the difference betwen someone just being present, and actually giving you the upmost support and care they can.

Since this has come out, he has been geniunely there, full 100% doing any little thing to make my life even the slightest bit easier. I knwo this can be guilt, and i know a large part of it is. I know it can be remorse, and i know it can just be he simply doesnt want to leave a life where he had it so sweet with me who may be viewed as soft.

But only i can determine what i believe his geniune reason for the support to be.
He woke at 3am this morning, and unasked or prompted made me a hot water bottle and fetched me tablets and stayed awake with me whilst i was in agony in period pains. I told him then, if i decide to try and get past this, this are the moments i will look back to, to help decide what type of person i believe he truely is and can be.

I have always respected the motto that a mistake does not define a person, but their reaction does. I dont think i could be living in thi world with a mind set that people dont deserve to be forgiven for their mistakes, because there may become a time i which i am seeking such forgiveness. Its just deciding where that forgiveness is deserved

Just make sure you maintain your friendships and social network, and financial independence. It's healthy and you can still be all in.

Always be with him out of choice, not need.

He is usually very careful

How is he usually very careful if he already gotten his gf of two years pregnant (while he knows he binge drinks to the point of black outs etc.on a relatively regular basis)?

You mentioned about people deserving forgiveness, whether he deserves forgiveness etc.

It not about what he deserves; it's about what YOU deserce, and what your potential children deserve.

Noone who cares about you is likely to encourage you to keep seeing him; you're apparebtly not telling them because you know that.

And those are the people who care about you, who have your best interests at heart.

He's too disordered to have anyone's best interests at heart, even his own

@Allsortsofroses

Noone who cares about you is likely to encourage you to keep seeing him; you're apparebtly not telling them because you know that.

And those are the people who care about you, who have your best interests at heart.

He's too disordered to have anyone's best interests at heart, even his own

Yes you are right @Allsortsofroses - i already know what advice i will recieve as i know what advice iw ould give as an outsider with nothing but black and white facts.

But i also recognise that it wont make the advice the correct thing to do just because i hear many times. Only i will know what the best thing to do for me is, because only i have every single detail and emotion to draw from.

When i am not so conflicted, i may confide in my friends, i havent written the idea off forever. I just want to make a decision based on what i believe is best for me. I of course fear my friends and familys reaction if i blurt everything out and then i decide i want to make things worse. Maybe thats niave and secretive of me.
But if thats what i decide, i would want my closest and dearest to support my decision and trust that i m making what i feel is best for me, and i know i will not get that support.
Once its been said, i cant un-say it. I am aware of that, and dont feel comfortable speaking about it yet.

Please don’t feel you are being weak or too empathetic. If I was I your situation, there would be a greater chance of me continuing on in my marriage if my dh had a quickie one night stand than an emotional affair (without sex).

Good luck OP.

Only i will know what the best thing to do for me is, because only i have every single detail and emotion to draw from

I see it a the oppsite; you're too affected by attachment hormones and chemicals, and investment in the relationship to make the best decision for you.

OP, I mean this with respect, but what he did for you (help you when you were in agony last night) is simply what a normal person does for another when they're in pain. Can you imagine if the roles were reversed? Would you think it was incredible of you to help him if you were in pain? If not, then it's just basic human decency and an expectation of when you're in a partnership.

It's concerning what a saviour complex you have about him, how you want to help him heal, even if you don't end up together. That's not a healthy, equal relationship.

Please take some time to do things for you, that don't involve him. Give yourself some space. What do you enjoy doing? What are your hobbies? Do them. Make yourself happier independent of him. That way, in your future, whether it's with him or not, you are better placed at putting your needs first.

I wish you the best of luck.

@Blondebakingmumma

Please don’t feel you are being weak or too empathetic. If I was I your situation, there would be a greater chance of me continuing on in my marriage if my dh had a quickie one night stand than an emotional affair (without sex).

Good luck OP.

@Blondebakingmumma a few people have commented this and has put things into perspective for me slightly, as whilst the pain and betrayal is horrific, the idea of dealing with an emotional affair compared to a purely physical one does seem deeper in a sense.

When i viewed cheating before, i think i automatically associated it with emotional and physical, they were linked in my head. Which is maybe why i am more swayed to try and forgive for the physcial act - not that it feels any easier to me.

When i am not so conflicted, i may confide in my friends, i havent written the idea off forever. I just want to make a decision based on what i believe is best for me. I of course fear my friends and familys reaction if i blurt everything out and then i decide i want to make things worse. Maybe thats niave and secretive of me.

I felt like this - it's quite normal.

But I think I've said before on the thread, it can end up with you very isolated and distanced from your friends.

Which is damaging for you, and in fact, damaging for the relationship long term, because if you become emotionally dependent on him alone, it's unhealthy and a lot of pressure on him.

So maybe you're not ready to speak to anyone yet, or maybe there's someone you can share it with safely, but make sure you put effort into maintaining your friendships and wider social circle.

Retreating inwards into the relationship feels inviting but it's not healthy in the medium to long term.

Please take this advice as one of those pitfalls I am trying to help you avoid.