Cheating success stories

[Bexxe]

Has anyone been cheated on and the relationship has gone on to be successful?

By cheating, my situation is a very drunken one night stand that lasted 10 mins.

I really don’t want any judgemental comments or ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ crap - I am wondering if there is any stories out there of people who have forgiven their partners and have gone on to have a successful relationship?

@candlelightsatdawn thank you for that, brought tears to my eyes! I am slowly accepting no matter what, i will be okay. My future may be different to the one i wanted, but it all happens for a reason and i must trust that

@candlelightsatdawn is so wise. This is one of those things that everyone seems to have an opinion on, perhaps because 'what would I do' is something most people muse on when they're not actually in the situation. Some people said to me you'd be mad to stay, others said you'd be mad to break up a marriage and family over it. It's not as clear cut as that. I remember waiting at first and saying I feel like I'm having to choose between two shit options!

I completely relate to what you're saying about judging yourself for considering staying with him. There's no need to do that. You've been plunged into a crappy situation with no clear answer and the last thing you need is self-judgement. Balls to what anyone else thinks- they don't have to live with the results.

None of this is your fault. The only thing that you need to be focusing on right now is eating, trying to get some sleep, and taking opportunities to relax and enjoy whatever gives you happiness and some calm. The way will become clear with some time and watchful waiting- it's best to shut everything else out, like worrying about what other people would say about it.

*wailing, not waiting!

@shreddednips thank you. Advice borne out of bitter experience sadly. Just don’t want anyone to make the same mistakes I did when it happened to me and not to tie themselves in knots when exhausted and vulnerable by working hard to fix somebody else’s bad choices. X

Only you know if you can past the incident but I will say is these two things..

1. It's okay him weeping and wallowing but that means fuck all if he doesn't sort his shit out in regards to the binge drinking. After all this has the potential to happen again anytime he gets blind drunk.

1. I would ensure your contraception is bulletproof as getting pregnant by someone who abuses alcohol is really not a good idea.

Good luck whatever you decide.

“He has a history of alcohol issues, he has known to black out and have no recollection. Both his parents are functioning alcoholics and whilst he doesn’t drink regularly, it’s clear he has an unhealthy binge drinking issue.”

He is an alcoholic. Fiddle with the words if it makes you feel comfortable - call it “binge drinking” or “problematic drinking” if that makes YOU feel more comfortable - but the actions / facts don’t change just because you change the words.

AA don’t define an alcoholic by how much they drink, how often, what they drink or when.

They define it by the impact it has on the people closest to them.

You have someone who has zero control and blacks out. Currently it’s once a month. Know that it is a progressive disease.

Him shagging someone else when drunk has had a HUGE impact on you - he is not even a functioning alcoholic because he is unable to function appropriately in a monogamous relationship. He will lose work days, his mental and physical health will continue to deteriorate.

Do not try to fix this man. Do not hitch your life, money, hopes and dreams to him.

Alcoholics are liars. They lie to themselves and others about everything.

I wonder why you are so in denial about his behavior. Why is this acceptable to you? What was your upbringing like that this is good enough for you?

You can do better. You don’t deserve the life of the alcoholic wife / partner.

Look up Al Anon online resources - it’s for partners of alcoholics.

Bexxe, when your Partner binged and cheated, was he out with his thuggish, drug addicted childhood friends you’ve been so anxious about?

I recall your previous thread where you described P’s long-time main friendship group as violent drug addicts/dealers who are always causing trouble and chaos. You and P were once actually threatened with a knife, and you witnessed one of the men roughing up his GF. Most of them can’t keep jobs due to their drug abuse. You were struggling with his continued tolerance of them.

Although P condemns their behavior and is taking a different path in life, he won’t completely separate from these mates. He didn’t even cut off the one who was violent with his GF, which greatly bothered you. You spoke of his moral dilemma. Posters urged you to walk away.

You’ve also written about his alcohol abuse. He takes one drink, binges, comes home 7 hours later, and doesn’t recall how he got there. (I do wonder if he is also taking drugs with his aforementioned friends.) As others have commented, he is going to need professional help to quit drinking.

Bexxe, you consider P to be your perfect, fairy-tale match, but he has brought toxicity, danger, and destructive energy into your life. Alcohol abuse, unreliability, violence, drug/criminal association….and now infidelity.

Proceed at your own peril.

@MsDogLady he actually wasn’t. We had a big discussion regarding my feelings towards his friendship group, and things changed dramatically. Since then I believe he has seen them once, briefly.

These we’re a different bunch of people, with alcohol as the same common denominator. I am not unaware of the issues we face, and have faced. I am the one living then day in day out.
But as these story’s go, it’s always hard to paint a picture when majority of the times the things posted are negative. I wouldn’t write a post about how on a day to day basis he supports me, he takes care of me and the home, he works 3 jobs to save for our future, how he runs me baths when he knows I’ve had a shit day, how he sits up with me in the middle of the night when I have awful period pains - all the little, consistent things he does that shows me how much he can love me.

I don’t have to explain my relationship, or my reasonings for feeling the way I feel to anyone. I know what some may think, and that’s okay, but there not here every day to see what I see. They don’t hear and feel the emotion on a day to day basis.
I’m not as guilable and stupid as you may think I am, I am constantly weighing up whether 2 1/2 years of day in day out love is worth saving over a 10 minute mistake. Everyone’s situation is unique, and only I know what’s best for me. Thankfully, all the kind wonderful commenters on this post have helped me to realise and accept that.

@Bexxe

He has a history of alcohol issues, he has known to black out and have no recollection. Both his parents are functioning alcoholics and whilst he doesn’t drink regularly, it’s clear he has an unhealthy binge drinking issue.

He told me the day after, unfortunately it was unprotected which makes me feel sick to my core, so STI checks will be carried out. Pregnancy is not a concern.

He has shown genuine remorse, and has been sobbing for his actions all day since admitting what’s happened. He has told me (without any prompt from me) that he is now clearly aware he does not have a grip on alcohol like he thought and will no longer be drinking. He wants to work on things, says he doesn’t care how long it takes to work through things he is willing to do everything he can to figure things out.
He even agreed to couples therapy I suggested if I wanted to work through things.

I don't understand why people don't run a mile once this kind of background and behaviour of the boyfriend - because it would rear it's head whilst still at the boyfriend stage rather than partner, live-in etc - asserts itself. It's a recipe for hell.

@DuchessOfDisaster because not everyone deserves to be written off because of mistakes.
For the upbringing he has lived through, through the things that have come to light about his upbringing, I am incredibly proud of how far he has come in many ways.

It’s easy for people probably like you and I, who had a ‘normal’ childhood to pass judgement on those who have faced hardship since being born and the ways in which the brain learn to cope.

We all make mistakes, I’m not perfect, I’ve fucked up in many many people ways in the past. I’ve put myself, and others in danger, through pain, in horrific circumstances. But that doesn’t make me a write off, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be loved and respected.
Maybe I am a pushover, maybe I am guilable. But also maybe I like to see the absolute best in everyone, and like to think that if I was on my knees after making a huge huge mistake, that someone would show me a little compassion and understanding.

@ESGdance whilst I appreciate you are probably trying to come from a tough love standard and mean the best, what gives you the right to question my upbringing as to what I find acceptable and what I don’t? How is that constructive at a time where my world is falling apart.

In reality, nobody knows me as a person, and nobody knows him as a person. The information provided is all you have, yes it is limited and yes it is what I decided to share, but the reason for my post is to see if/how anyone else has been through this and how they found the experience. If it was worth it to them, how they found their peace, how did it end up for them as a couple.

I am not a damsel in distressed that needs to be saved from an alcoholic thug. I am a professional in my field, with a lovely home, with two beautiful dogs and overall, a wonderful happy life.
I am in a situation in which my heart and my trust has been shattered by the one man I have ever truely loved. And all I asked was for compassion, and others experience.

Whilst I thank you for taking the time to comment, please refrain if your comments are going to be nothing but hurtful insinuations.

I don't understand why people don't run a mile once this kind of background and behaviour of the boyfriend - because it would rear it's head whilst still at the boyfriend stage rather than partner, live-in etc - asserts itself. It's a recipe for hell.

This is where if you haven't had lived experience of a situation, it's incredibly hard to see what it's like from the other side. It's the type language of victim blaming that keeps people stuck in this cycle, keeps feeding that shame cycle and so it goes on.

People tend to (not always) mirror what they had in childhood, into their adult life.

Coming along with a why are you putting up with this behaviour type negates the fact that although it's abnormal to what you have lived and accepted in the past ignored the fact to OP it may actually not be. It takes women 8 times to leave a DV situation. Let that sink in. These women(and men) are not dumb, less than or unworthy, it normally comes from a place of what was their normal at childhood or somewhere into early adulthood and therefore normal to them now. It's harder to spot the abnormal when you grow up in it (I'm not suggesting there's been DV here OP it's just similar vein how people are talking here to how people tend talk about victims of DV)

What most people don't realise is that saying aren't you silly in this situations, shuts the person down when they absolutely need to talk. It's important to not isolate the person who is suffering which is currently the OP.

Honestly, as someone who is 4 years on from this, don't try. Run for your life.

I stayed as I had 17 years together and two very young children.

I can't forgive myself for still being here and taking him back.

Outsiders think I'm happy, he probably thinks I'm happy. I'm not happy.

I dream about running away but I slap a smile on my face and get on with it

@GrrrArrrg

Honestly, as someone who is 4 years on from this, don't try. Run for your life.

I stayed as I had 17 years together and two very young children.

I can't forgive myself for still being here and taking him back.

Outsiders think I'm happy, he probably thinks I'm happy. I'm not happy.

I dream about running away but I slap a smile on my face and get on with it

You can still leave. You don't have to stick by the decision you made at the time. It's OK to say "you know what, I tried, but it's not getting any better and I'm not happy, I'm ready to call it quits".

OP just take it a day at a time and try not to let other people influence what you do. If he doesn't have a point where he would know when to stop with alcohol, then perhaps this will be the thing that makes him address that. I'm a bit prone to not having that "i think I've had enough now" although rarely drink, so I sympathise as your drunk actions can be like you were a different person entirely (I've never cheated but have had blackout periods in the past so often think how could I ever judge). I know there's no excuse for hurting someone you love but if it's used as a point to change then maybe you could move on from it and he could improve himself. Good luck!!

@SwimSwim Thank you for your message. This is how he has been viewing it, he is absolutely devestated this has happened for him to see the unhealthy relationship he had with alcohol, but is determined to never let himself unravel the way he has again.

Whilst i have gone too far with alcohol int he past, it has always lead me to being sick so i cant relate to black outs or dissassociation, but i know it exists. This is how he has tried to explain it, like an out of body experience - he know it happened, but its like he wasnt there. He says (maybe for my benefit i dont know) that there was no feeling, no emotion, no awareness, nothing. As someone that has never been that drunk with alcohol i cant relate, but i know it exists.

He has said that he has to tackle his alcohol issues, and not for me but for himself. Hes not giving up to save me and us, hes giving up to save himself. And fortunately, thats what i want. Whether we end up together or not, i will always want him to be the best version of himself. And we stand more of a chance of proper reconcilliation if the changes are for himself, and not just for me.

but struggles to find an appropriate limit. He can just keep going and going, he is by no means an alcoholic

That's still an alcohol problem.

As for it being an excuse for cheating; if a man can stay awake, get it up and complete complete act of intercourse etc; he's not drunk enough for being drunk to be an excuse for it.

It may have loosened his inhibitions etc but he didn't do anything didn't want to do or chose to do.

That demonstrated his commitment to and value for your relationship.

I think you be on here again with more stuff in future.

If you haven't got kids with him, abd would like kids; you should be running far and fast, and in time funding someone else.

These situations rarely improve for long.

This is how he has tried to explain it, like an out of body experience - he know it happened, but its like he wasnt there

How very convenient.

This smells of bullshit beyond bullshit.

Bit evennif it's true, i think I'd rather not have a relationship with a man who has outer body experiences where he apparently has absolutely no feelings about what he's doing while he's betraying his partner; because he's drunk.

Also worry noting that cheaters can be very convincing in their bullshit because they do in fact bullshit themselves too; so well that they come to believe it.

*worth noting

@Bexxe I agree with you about compassion and redemption and giving people a chance, measuring them against their behaviour and character as a whole rather than on a particular set of bad choices. I get that. I believe that people are not flawed, people have flaws. There is a difference between the two.
We are none of us perfect, we all have flaws, life is a battle with our flaws and trying to do the right thing by others. Crucially, we also need to be doing the right thing for ourselves, no matter how hard that may be. I think some posters are warning you about what could happen, they have possibly lived through it and know the pain and want to protect you from it. They do not know you, or him and how kind he can be, granted, but from an outside viewpoint they can see a different perspective which is equally viable.

I didn’t realise you had had a previous thread regarding his former friends and alcoholism (it does sound like alcoholism or in the way to it). It is clearly having an impact on his actions and therefore on you and your lives. The infidelity is an issue in itself, yes, but it seems to have come about from a binge. He is a risk and at risk every time he goes out on a bender. It is unfair to not change his drinking behaviour and leave you at home wondering what he is doing and if he has gone too far again.
To my mind the only way forward if you are going to stay with him (I suspect you are no matter what is said here and it is your decision and must be respected) is to get him to face his issues, and get help. Of all the kind and loving things he ever does for you, this should be the most important. It will change his life for the better and make him a happier, healthier person with higher self esteem.
I had a family member who was an alcoholic. I speak of them in the past tense because it killed them. I loved them dearly, we were very close and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. Whilst loving your partner and wanting to help and support him, you need to show tough love and protect yourself. He cannot keep hiding behind remorse or mistake your compassion and forgiveness for a pass to continue as he has before. Time to change. Support him but do not make excuses for him, help him but be careful not to enable him, and set boundaries to protect yourself. Years can go by forgiving and forgiving and waiting and hoping, because you love somebody, but love means doing what is best for someone. Forgiving without insisting on change or action is helping him to avoid doing the painful but necessary work to turn his life around. Nobody can make anyone change, they have to want to. They might stumble along the way, the road to success is paved with failures, but your role is to support, not to make life comfortable for him and let his bad childhood be an excuse for lack of change or action to help himself. Many people are dealt shit hands growing up, they sadly have more to demons in their closet than the lucky ones, but it’s our own responsibility to deal with our issues, nobody else’s. There is support out there and he needs to be proactive and get it. He’s a lucky man to have you, but be clear in your role in loving and helping him and don’t go into this blind, it could destroy you too. He won’t mean to destroy you, but without help this could take you both down. Take care and good luck. XX

Im just wondering if this would be accepted from you if you'd had an put body experience while snagging another man behind his back?

If you were coming out with this stuff after you had sex wity another man; would he be accepting it and staying with you?

I'll tell you what i think; if he even accepted it for a second, he'd be out pulling someone else the next time he was onna a out/drunk.
But the vast majority of men would probably laugh in your face, and tell you to do one if you tried those lines on them anyway (esp if they had no kids with you).

@Allsortsofroses i her what your saying, and i am not oblivious to this.
Its constantly circulating in my mind, whether i want to believe him that badly because of how much i love him.

But then i also think of the man i have known for 2 1/2 years, who held me as i sobbed on the bathroom floor after we went through a miscarriage, who's pain i can see in his eyes and his face whenever he looks at me because of the shame and guilt he feels for betraying my trust and hurting me so deeply.
It is of course easy to say its bullshit, and its equally as easy for me to say how much pain i believe he is in because maybe i want to believe that in some way.

I deal with that every moment since this has come out, i deal with going back and forth every moment of every minute as to who i believe this person to be infront of me now.

Only you know him but he does sound genuinely remorseful from what you say. It's a horrible thing alcohol. I know it'll sound crazy to the "I could never forgive that" brigade but I can imagine how awful he will feel because he also won't be able to understand WTF he was thinking. I've been in that self loathing place, beating myself up for things I've said and done whilst drunk, it's horrendous. When it's something that sober you would never dream of saying or doing it's even worse. He has to take responsibility for putting himself in the position where it was possible though but it sounds like he's prepared to do that. He has a lot of making up and proving to do but we're all flawed humans and make mistakes. If what you have is worth saving, don't let anyone make you feel bad for working through it.