Cheating success stories

[Bexxe]

Has anyone been cheated on and the relationship has gone on to be successful?

By cheating, my situation is a very drunken one night stand that lasted 10 mins.

I really don’t want any judgemental comments or ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ crap - I am wondering if there is any stories out there of people who have forgiven their partners and have gone on to have a successful relationship?

No children in this situation.

I wouldn’t say I am not acknowledging his drink issues, quite the opposite, and I’m not aiming in using it as an excuse - neither is he. He has completely acknowledged his actions are not acceptable, there is no excuse making. He knows he’s fucked up.

It’s whether I can forgive him and move forward, I 100% believe our relationship is worth saving and wouldn’t even be contemplating staying if it wasn’t. Contrary to what it may appear, I’m a very strong person and know whilst it would hurt me very much, I could leave and I would be more than fine.
But I also know what makes me happy, and believe I could be happy again given the remorse and honesty that has come from him since. I genuinely believe he made an ‘in the moment’ mistake and has told me about it instantly.

In an ideal world of course this would never happen, but I wanted to hear if people have actually been able to move past being cheated on and not let it eat at them.

@GreenClock

Playing fast and loose with your sexual health really is despicable OP.

I completely agree, and it’s one of the things that really has upset me. He is usually very careful, which again shows his state of mind.

As he told me about it straight away, we have no had sex since this happened. STI checks will be happening and the results may contribute towards a decision…

Yes, I was cheated on (exactly the same situation, drunk ONS)

This was 20+ years ago and we managed to move on - I think it helped that he confessed very quickly, it was obvious to me he felt very guilty and was very upset about something so I asked him and he told me. If he'd lied/carried on seeing someone behind my back I'm not sure I could've forgiven that.

I'm so sorry OP we did reconcile after my DH cheated but the advice I would give you is to make no decisions at all now. It's still raw. He may be crying and showing remorse now but whether he can sustain real, serious changes to reassure you that this will never happen again is the question. Your feelings might change once the dust has settled, you might decide you don't want to continue once the shock has worn off. I don't know if it's common but my first instinct when I found out was to cling to the relationship for dear life because it was such a sudden, shocking change. Which is scary.

In your position, I would advise you to do absolutely nothing but watch, wait, and focus on looking after yourself and your well-being. If he's worth sticking with at all, he will respect that you need time and space and won't push you into committing to work on things. My approach was to stop focusing on the relationship and start focusing on my own happiness and he just had to deal with his feelings about it all without leaning on me- it's not reasonable for you to have to deal with his emotional outbursts because that's shifting your focus away from what you want to providing care and reassurance for him.

Eventually I decided I was happier staying married, but there's no right answer here. You have to live with whatever you decide, so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as you're happy. I hated what he had done, but I did respect that he gave me the time and space to recover without putting his emotions onto me and made real, lasting changes over a long period of time.

@hellcatspangle

Yes, I was cheated on (exactly the same situation, drunk ONS)

This was 20+ years ago and we managed to move on - I think it helped that he confessed very quickly, it was obvious to me he felt very guilty and was very upset about something so I asked him and he told me. If he'd lied/carried on seeing someone behind my back I'm not sure I could've forgiven that.

That’s similar to how I feel. He unpromptedly told me less than 12 hours after it happened, and has been (painfully) honest with any questions I’ve asked. I don’t believe he has hidden anything from me and this is part of the reason I am considering if there is a way forward.

I am glad there are some success stories out there, it gives me hope.

Thank you for this, this is a very helpful perspective.
It is still very fresh, and I know it’s going to take a lot of time for me to see some real effort to work through this.
He is willing to do whatever I ask of him, whether that be remain in the house and help practically (we have 2 dogs that’s need 2 walks a day) or leave and give me space.
I’ve asked him to remain for now, but been very clear we are not ‘together’. It’s more of a house share situation at the moment until I decide how I feel about things.

@Bexxe

Thank you for this, this is a very helpful perspective. It is still very fresh, and I know it’s going to take a lot of time for me to see some real effort to work through this. He is willing to do whatever I ask of him, whether that be remain in the house and help practically (we have 2 dogs that’s need 2 walks a day) or leave and give me space. I’ve asked him to remain for now, but been very clear we are not ‘together’. It’s more of a house share situation at the moment until I decide how I feel about things.

That's how I approached it too. But what I will say is, it would have been very difficult if my husband had been in my face all the time because I wouldn't have had the space to recover. I would advise being very, very clear with him about what the boundaries are. Personally, I needed him to sleep separately from me and leave me be most of the time. Having him in the house could end up wearing you down into taking him back before you're really sure if he's really determined to win you back.

I found it really helpful to try and stop focusing on hoping for any particular outcome than achieving calm and happiness for myself and my DC, whatever that ended up looking like. Time will tell if it's wise to get back together. Take the pressure off yourself to make a decision, just focus on building yourself back up for now. I think big decisions are best made when you're calm and feeling settled. It doesn't feel like it now, but you will feel settled again with it without him.

I wouldn’t rush back into it being more than it is for quite some time. The quicker you forgive the more likely he will do it again. I tried for a couple of years but it was always there and in the end split up. I’d think very carefully as you don’t have kids so not tied by them.

@Hema23

I wouldn’t rush back into it being more than it is for quite some time. The quicker you forgive the more likely he will do it again. I tried for a couple of years but it was always there and in the end split up. I’d think very carefully as you don’t have kids so not tied by them.

This is very true. Big changes don't happen quickly, and it sounds like he has a lot to work on. It was a very, very long time before I was prepared to say ok, I've made a decision about what I want. And then it took even longer of progressing in absolute baby steps towards building trust and intimacy again.

Yes. My husband put his penis in another woman's vagina at a stag do 31 years ago. We were just married. It was a mistake which I forgave but he was under no illusion that I don't forgive twice.

I'm glad I did. We have been and continue to be. Wry happy .

NC for this…

In your situation, with alcohol issues involved and no DC, I would leave. I give that advice as someone who chose to stay under similar circumstances. We’re 6 years on, and I feel I should have left (and I may still choose to do that). It never goes away and your relationship is never the same afterwards.

It is promising that it was a ONS and he confessed immediately though

@Hema23
@shreddednips

Thank you both. I’ve made it very clear I am not ready to make any sort of decision yet, but the thought of having to do everything practically and dealing with this emotionally felt too much for me to cope, hence why allowing him to stay.

He knows it is going to be a very very long process should I decide to try and make it work, I’ve explained it could take years to get back to any sort relationship. He says realises this, but believes he can rebuild my trust and be the person to me that he was before, and he doesn’t care how many years that takes as he plans to be with me for the rest of his life.

He has a lot to prove, and in the most awful of circumstances I can say his actions have mimicked his words with his upfront honesty and the way in which he is acting so far.
I told him the honesty was the most important reason he’s still in my life in any capacity, he said if I am able to ever move forward he wanted to start with a clean slate and have nothing to hide

@Finknottlesnewt

Yes. My husband put his penis in another woman's vagina at a stag do 31 years ago. We were just married. It was a mistake which I forgave but he was under no illusion that I don't forgive twice.

I'm glad I did. We have been and continue to be. Wry happy .

Oh I am glad you managed to make it work! Am I safe to say there have been no issues since?

How did you manage to put the pain behind you?

I always said I could have forgiven a drunken shag, but never an affair or emotional affair.

My parents split after my mum had an affair, they got back together after 6 weeks and they've been married now for nearly 50 years, 30 ish post affair. It was tough when she came back but as a child, looking back, things were awful before she left but lots better when she came back (my Dad was a lazy sod). They've definitely been stronger and much happier as a result I think.

For me, I think the only way I'd consider trying would be if he chooses to give up alcohol for good.

Not just for a while, or until he thinks he's got a handle on it, or giving up apart from a few at Christmas or whatever - but actual stopping with no intention of ever starting again.

He's got a template for alcohol abuse in his background, plus he has black-outs and has engaged in risky behaviour that is impacting his life negatively. He may not be an alcoholic yet, but he's certainly a problem drinker and alcoholism is beckoning.

So that would be the only circumstance I'd consider it and it would be a dealbreaker for me if he started drinking again.

he is less enthusiastic about counselling on his own, he had counselling when younger to help with his parental issues and didn’t find it useful

And Boom, there it is, he is already backtracking on engaging in anything that will help heal your relationship. So did he really mean that he would do anything that it took for however long it took to heal your relationship? Or did he mean that he would do the bare minimum to ensure that his cosy life was not too upset by being nagged by you going on about his drinking that lead to him screwing another woman?

I am not trying to be cruel OP, I was cheated on too and was given the big crying fits, he knew exactly what to say to bring out my nurturing side and empathy for him hurting. He too said he would do anything, then proceeded to not do anything he didn't feel like doing even as he saw me crumble in front of him. I was told it takes two to five years for a relationship to recover from infidelity, that is two to five years of both parties being honest, working hard and the unfaithful one doing whatever the other spouse needed to rebuild trust, you are basically building a new relationship from scratch with a person you now know is capable of hurting you in the most intimate way.

I think it is too soon for you to make any decision, give yourself some time alone to think, it is too raw now and he is in front of you everyday, crying remorseful, all talk about him and his recovery, that leaves no space for you to discover how you really feel about this, carve that space for yourself.

Also, I know you want to minimise and so does he, but a very drunken one night stand that lasted 10 mins isn't true - there would have been flirting and lead-up to those 10 minutes, and he made lots of little choices to do what he did, to start/respond to the flirting, to continue, to go wherever they went to fuck.

@Dontbeme

he is less enthusiastic about counselling on his own, he had counselling when younger to help with his parental issues and didn’t find it useful

And Boom, there it is, he is already backtracking on engaging in anything that will help heal your relationship. So did he really mean that he would do anything that it took for however long it took to heal your relationship? Or did he mean that he would do the bare minimum to ensure that his cosy life was not too upset by being nagged by you going on about his drinking that lead to him screwing another woman?

I am not trying to be cruel OP, I was cheated on too and was given the big crying fits, he knew exactly what to say to bring out my nurturing side and empathy for him hurting. He too said he would do anything, then proceeded to not do anything he didn't feel like doing even as he saw me crumble in front of him. I was told it takes two to five years for a relationship to recover from infidelity, that is two to five years of both parties being honest, working hard and the unfaithful one doing whatever the other spouse needed to rebuild trust, you are basically building a new relationship from scratch with a person you now know is capable of hurting you in the most intimate way.

I think it is too soon for you to make any decision, give yourself some time alone to think, it is too raw now and he is in front of you everyday, crying remorseful, all talk about him and his recovery, that leaves no space for you to discover how you really feel about this, carve that space for yourself.

Since explaining that he will need to work on himself individually for us to work he has changed his tune. He didn’t originally put 2 & 2 together that working on himself will help. Again though, it’s too early to see if he actually means this.

I agree, no decision making will me made any time soon, and although we live in a small house he has offered to leave at anytime that I want space whether that be 3 hours, 3 days or 3 weeks.
He is following my lead as such so I am playing it by ear. At the moment it feels better to have him here then not, but that may change

Bexxe how did I move on ?

Honestly I was more concerned about the health issues. The simple physical act in a car .. was just that . They joined their body parts together in a biological act no better or worse than dogs copulating. She didn't 'know' him . He didn't know her. Wasn't even sure if her name was Lucy or Susie (that bit is probably embellished for my benefit ) but the rest stands. It was like two dogs sniffing each other's bits. Certainly not something I was going to disrupt our marriage and at that time our 2 year old child's life for.

He was however left under no illusion as to what would happen if it happened again and I am a Criminal Investigator so he knows I will sniff out any unusual behaviour.

That said - I could not have done it I was the sort to check up on him
Every day.
Ultimately you cannot MAKE someone love you... if his diversion had been an affair with intimate conversations and future plans etc - that would be a game changer.. a very different scenario. In my mind infidelity is physical AND emotional betrayal.. that I wouldn't forgive .

I think its possible for a human being to make a mistake. And to be genuinely remorseful. And to love you AND have made a mistake.

I think it is as much a sign of strength to want to forgive and work through it as it is anything else. It doesn't make you weak.

It would take more then this for me to write a life partner off.

But it really is about what happens from here.

@Finknottlesnewt this is a perspective I’ve never thought of - and seems very similar to the situation I’m in. They didn’t know ecahother, he also doesn’t know her name. He has said it was completely emotionless and he does not even remember it.

I think because I have always viewed sex as something between two partners with affection and intimacy, I’ve never had a ONS and sex is personal to me. I know that’s not the case with a lot of people

@jackiebenimble

I think its possible for a human being to make a mistake. And to be genuinely remorseful. And to love you AND have made a mistake.

I think it is as much a sign of strength to want to forgive and work through it as it is anything else. It doesn't make you weak.

It would take more then this for me to write a life partner off.

But it really is about what happens from here.

Thank you for this. If I didn’t feel genuine remorse I wouldn’t be entertaining forgiving him. But he still has a lot to prove

ONS I can honestly say I got over very quickly. An affair even without sex .. yet ... I could not forgive.

Hell no! Run for the hills........