Cheating success stories

[Bexxe]

Has anyone been cheated on and the relationship has gone on to be successful?

By cheating, my situation is a very drunken one night stand that lasted 10 mins.

I really don’t want any judgemental comments or ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ crap - I am wondering if there is any stories out there of people who have forgiven their partners and have gone on to have a successful relationship?

Go over to the website Surviving Infidelity. They will offer you support and resources.

Showing remorse is common after discovery, working out what he is remorseful about is another thing. Sorry for hurting you or sorry he got caught?
Honesty and actions are what will show you which is which.
I reconciled after my husband had an affair. It is very, very hard (understatement of the year) and you have to have something worth saving.
Do not rely on words, he has done something awful behind your back, and liars lie, especially when their own ass is on the line.
In order to earn back your trust he needs to show true remorse and back up everything he says with actions.
One chance only, clear boundaries, (be prepared to follow through) actions speaking louder than words, total honesty and no resistance to any of the above and you stand a chance. If he’s more bothered about his own feelings than trying to understand the hurt he has inflicted on you, his remorse is far from genuine. Only you can know the difference.
Don’t worry about whether randoms on MN think you’re weak and /or foolish, it’s your life and your partner and your relationship, you do what is right for you. Good luck, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. The pain is indescribable. X

Hi, sorry you are in this situation, I have been in your shoes ….twice and we are still very much together.

My advice to to you is to not take any advice from anybody or even read about anybody else’s experiences, it’s irrelevant to your situation. Do what feels right for you now, if that’s stay then stay if it’s separate then so be it. Your feelings will fluctuate, just go with it and deal with them accordingly when you need to.
Hope that helps
Wishing you strength and happiness xx

Yes, but it took a long time.

We’re happy, my life is better but I haven’t forgiven and I will never forget.

Can I also add that you don’t have to make decision one way or the other. Not making any decisions is perfectly ok.

I would also advise not getting your friends and family involved in this, by all means confide in a close friend if you need to (one that is loyal and discreet) but if you tell too many people they'll all have an opinion and might pressure you to make a decision you regret.

Take all the time you need to come to terms with it and make the decision in your own time. If you decide to stay together for now, that doesn't mean you have to stay together forever. It's fine to see how things pan out.

Thank you all for your kind words, I’ve woke up this morning with that crushing feeling that this is all a reality and isn’t just a bad dream.

I am not getting any friends or family involved, although he has said he will in no way advise me not to tell them, he has done the deed and will deal with the hatred he may receive as his actions deserve it.

I believe his remorse is genuine, and not for being caught (I wouldn’t have found out if he hadn’t of told me). At no point has he been upset in a self pitying pay, he only ever discusses the pain he has caused for me, the first thing he said this morning was he can’t believe how compassionate and wonderful I am for even allowing him to remain in our home and he is so apologetic for the pain he has caused me.
He hasn’t eaten in days (neither have I really) due to the guilt and pain he feels for hurting me - and I’ve never seen him not eat.

I’m not pitying him or making excuses, I guess I’m just explaining what’s going on to make me believe his remorse for hurting me.

I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, I guess because I haven’t confided in anyone I feel like this is my only outlet. I have contacted a therapist to hopefully book in a session soon to discuss all of this and help me manage my emotions better. I looked at the shoes he was wearing that night and started crying, he noticed - picked them up and have put them in the bin outside

@Bexxe

Thank you all for your kind words, I’ve woke up this morning with that crushing feeling that this is all a reality and isn’t just a bad dream.

I am not getting any friends or family involved, although he has said he will in no way advise me not to tell them, he has done the deed and will deal with the hatred he may receive as his actions deserve it.

I believe his remorse is genuine, and not for being caught (I wouldn’t have found out if he hadn’t of told me). At no point has he been upset in a self pitying pay, he only ever discusses the pain he has caused for me, the first thing he said this morning was he can’t believe how compassionate and wonderful I am for even allowing him to remain in our home and he is so apologetic for the pain he has caused me.
He hasn’t eaten in days (neither have I really) due to the guilt and pain he feels for hurting me - and I’ve never seen him not eat.

I’m not pitying him or making excuses, I guess I’m just explaining what’s going on to make me believe his remorse for hurting me.

I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, I guess because I haven’t confided in anyone I feel like this is my only outlet. I have contacted a therapist to hopefully book in a session soon to discuss all of this and help me manage my emotions better. I looked at the shoes he was wearing that night and started crying, he noticed - picked them up and have put them in the bin outside

That sounds like a good idea to talk to a therapist OP, you need to have an outlet for how you're feeling. Hope you managed to get some decent sleep, it's a horrible feeling waking up when something like this has happened.

It sounds very exhausting for you with him so emotional, not eating etc. It's good that he seems remorseful, but I'd just advise making sure you get a good break from it all. Whatever he is saying the reason is that he's so upset, I personally think he needs to put a bit of a lid on it around you because you need to focus on your own emotional needs at the moment, not his.

@Bexxe there a certain amount of shame people feel when their partners do this which makes people not want to tell their network. The reason your here is because like a pressure cooker, or a boil you have to let it out for recovery to start.

Counselling sounds like a good option and if you go through what I went through the 5 stages of grief, and need to vent at 2am, vent away. No one here knows who you are and frankly no ones going to judge you.

Remember this was never ever about you. Please don't be ashamed to talk 💐

@shreddednips I think due to exhaustion yesterday, I managed to get okay sleep last night hope that continues.

Yes I hear what your saying, it tends to be that he doesn’t say much until I speak to him. He gives me space until I speak to him, he has gone into work today and I am working from home so I guess I am getting some space today for the first time.
I feel incredibly lonely, even with him in the house. Every now and again it hits me that things have changed forever, After having a few blissful moments where my mind goes numb and I feel nothing.

I am in awe of all you strong people who are commenting your stories, this feeling is not something I’d wish on anyone. Thank you all for your support, I can’t honestly describe the comfort I’ve felt from all your messages x

@candlelightsatdawn thank you for this, your kind words brought tears to my eyes. I do feel shame, one of the most heart breaking things is we are the happiest we have ever been, and it goes round and round in my head how you can do this when we are in such a strong place.

He has no answers, which doesn’t help. But I don’t think he’s hiding anything, I think he genuinely can’t figure out why he did what he did.

I have always been a very resilient person, and in some senses I don’t yet feel as if this is my fault or doubt myself. I’m sure these feelings and emotions will come overtime, along with self esteem issues and confidence issues but at the moment, I don’t feel uncertain about myself or what I being to the table.

I guess I don’t want to tell my inner circle as I know how opinionated they are, and they also no my views on cheating and how passionate I have been about them before. I know that if I decide to make things work they will never forgive him, but it will be to the point that I will need to chose between my family and him. And I can’t deal with that. So until I have a concrete decision, I’m trying my best to keep in very need to know. His brother is the only person that knows, but he is very level headed, non judgemental and logical, I don’t feel uneasy about him knowing.

I know a lot of people reading this will think how I use to feel, ‘there’s no way on earth I could ever forgive a cheater’ but being in the situation is so different. I agree, it is my life, my decisions and I won’t be allowing anyone to sway me. I have to do what’s best for me and I certainly will be.
I’ve had no red flags of misplaced remorse or any hint of lying, which has played a big factor in me even deciding i

I'd really recommend talking to maybe just one trusted friend.

I think him saying he has said he will in no way advise me not to tell them, he has done the deed and will deal with the hatred he may receive as his actions deserve it was melodramatic and manipulative, designed to make you feel you can't say anything, designed to make you defensive/protective.

But this is about you getting support and validation for your feelings, it's not about him.

The right person - well, their opinion of him might take a hit, but they're not going to hate him or make it an issue ongoing - they'll be more interested in helping you, listening to you, talking you through it.

Being shut off from support is one of the worst things about something like this. I told no one and it was really quite damaging, because it created a secret, a wedge between me and my social network - I ended up distanced from people and they didn't know why, and it really was isolating. You don't deserve that.

It’s a really good sign that he told you about this, rather than you discovered it.
The crying and not eating are not necessarily a sign of remorse, his ongoing commitment and openness, agreeing to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and connected again and generally putting you first are what remorse really looks like. Guilt and remorse can manifest initially in the same way but one is about feeling sorry for yourself about what you did, the other is feeling sorry for the person you did it to. Guilt and remorse are not the same thing at all.
Once he has dealt with his guilt, you should be able to see the remorseful responses. He has to step up then and that’s when the real work to prove himself has to start.
Do not run around trying to ‘fix’ this, that is his job. If you think you need counselling, do that for yourself. He should be offering to go to counselling or suggesting it, he should be thinking of ways to prevent this happening again, thinking of ways to make this up to you (he can’t, but he should be bloody trying to) and telling/showing you.
I’m not being harsh, I feel so very sorry for both of you, but I’ve been there and it’s so easy when you love them so much to hate seeing them so broken and just want to fix them and put it all back the way it was. His weeping and wailing about it is helping nobody. He needs to stop that now and think about you and your needs. His pain is a direct consequence of his actions. The way to make his pain go away is for him to see you happy again. He can influence that massively. Over to him.
He’s the only one who can fix himself and he needs to work on that ASAP for both your sakes.
I ran around trying to fix everything and everyone when it happened to me. I was heartbroken for both of us. I should’nt have let my love for him and pity continue to blind me to the fact that he needed to sort his shit out and step up to the plate. Until they see that it’s their brokenness causing the pain and their mess to clear up, very little that is constructive takes place and you will end up exhausted, frustrated and resentful.
Don’t underestimate how hard this is to come back from. It’s hard to see that in the initial stages, you end up running round trying to plug all the leaks and cracks and just make everything ok. It isn’t ok at the moment and won’t be for a while, maybe for a long while. If you both want the relationship it is possible to come back from, but you need strength and commitment on both sides and just ‘going back to normal’ is not enough any more. He needs to go the extra mile. There are many extra miles to go for him from today to prove himself, he needs to start today. Take care of yourself op, this is a relationship‘s worst nightmare and you need to put yourself first at the moment. XX

@Puppylucky

Yes we did. It wasn't easy and sometimes I regret having even tried but we are genuinely very happy now.

Can I ask why you sometimes regret it, if you're happy now?

@category12

I'd really recommend talking to maybe just one trusted friend.

I think him saying he has said he will in no way advise me not to tell them, he has done the deed and will deal with the hatred he may receive as his actions deserve it was melodramatic and manipulative, designed to make you feel you can't say anything, designed to make you defensive/protective.

But this is about you getting support and validation for your feelings, it's not about him.

The right person - well, their opinion of him might take a hit, but they're not going to hate him or make it an issue ongoing - they'll be more interested in helping you, listening to you, talking you through it.

Being shut off from support is one of the worst things about something like this. I told no one and it was really quite damaging, because it created a secret, a wedge between me and my social network - I ended up distanced from people and they didn't know why, and it really was isolating. You don't deserve that.

Those weren’t quite the words he used but it was something to that effect, I struggle typing on here sometimes as I know things can get out of context, and whilst I am in no way defending him - it wasn’t said in a manipulative way. It was said in a way of he will support what I decide to do, whether I feel it’s best to not disclose what’s happened, or whether I want to confide in people. In his eyes, he has said whatever can make this even a slight less painful for me he will support and he meant I needn’t worry about anyone’s opinions, he will spend however long it takes proving to not only me but anyone around me that this was a huge huge mistake and he wants to make it right. Without being there, seeing body language and tone of voice it’s hard to describe, but I didn’t feel it to at all be manipulative.

I do fear being distanced from my friends, one of them is quite needy and I am suppose to be seeing them this weekend but I at the moment cannot think of anything worse then going playing happy families whilst this is going on. They are not the most supportive of friends some times, they can be very stubborn and opinionated and I don’t feel they are the best person so share this with to get the kind of support I need right now.

But I will have a think of there is anyone I think can be purely supportive and not opinionated at the moment

@Thewookiemustgo thank you for your compassionate response, it really helps to see encouraging words.

Yes I do believe your right, I think I like to try and fix things and this is not something I can fix. I just want to feel okay again.

He had his moments yesterday, and shed a few silently tears this morning when I was upset, but he is not wallowing around as such. He certainly feels guilty for his own actions, and I also know he feels remorse for the pain he’s caused me. I’ve never thought that he needs to deal with his guilt first, thank you for that perspective.

I can see he is trying, he saw I was awake this morning when he got up to take the dogs so called me after he left to see how I was doing.
He could see I was upset this morning so he stopped what he was doing to sit next to me on the bed, he knows I’m not comfortable with any physical contact with him, but wants to show he can see me and my pain, is there to support as I need him.
I can see he is trying without knowing what the best thing to do is

@category12

“Being shut off from support is one of the worst things about something like this. I told no one and it was really quite damaging, because it created a secret, a wedge between me and my social network - I ended up distanced from people and they didn't know why, and it really was isolating. You don't deserve that.”

This is excellent advice. I also told nobody as we were going to stay together and I didn’t want our teenage children to know and be affected by it, so it was ‘safer’ to tell nobody.
It was my decision, I was never asked to do this or felt protective of him. I did it for my children. I have very few friends now because of this. I distanced myself and made excuses to the point that they stopped trying (my fault entirely and they didn’t deserve it) because initially I was worried that if they asked me how I was I would cry and not be able to cover it up. Acting fine in front of the kids when I was actually in such a state I vomited once everyone was out of the house in the morning completely exhausted me and I had nothing left for anyone else. Covid then hit and I had the perfect excuse. Time has gone on and only a few friendships have survived. My fault, not theirs. To be honest these are my truest and most valued friends, but they are few. I didn’t even tell my sisters.
Share this burden with trusted friends and family op, it’s lonely enough as it is, you need support. It feels far lonelier when you’re in a crowd of people sometimes. A horrible feeling that you don’t deserve. X

Yes, I forgave him but it took a long time and counselling both separately and together.

@Thewookiemustgo

It’s a really good sign that he told you about this, rather than you discovered it. The crying and not eating are not necessarily a sign of remorse, his ongoing commitment and openness, agreeing to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and connected again and generally putting you first are what remorse really looks like. Guilt and remorse can manifest initially in the same way but one is about feeling sorry for yourself about what you did, the other is feeling sorry for the person you did it to. Guilt and remorse are not the same thing at all. Once he has dealt with his guilt, you should be able to see the remorseful responses. He has to step up then and that’s when the real work to prove himself has to start. Do not run around trying to ‘fix’ this, that is his job. If you think you need counselling, do that for yourself. He should be offering to go to counselling or suggesting it, he should be thinking of ways to prevent this happening again, thinking of ways to make this up to you (he can’t, but he should be bloody trying to) and telling/showing you. I’m not being harsh, I feel so very sorry for both of you, but I’ve been there and it’s so easy when you love them so much to hate seeing them so broken and just want to fix them and put it all back the way it was. His weeping and wailing about it is helping nobody. He needs to stop that now and think about you and your needs. His pain is a direct consequence of his actions. The way to make his pain go away is for him to see you happy again. He can influence that massively. Over to him. He’s the only one who can fix himself and he needs to work on that ASAP for both your sakes. I ran around trying to fix everything and everyone when it happened to me. I was heartbroken for both of us. I should’nt have let my love for him and pity continue to blind me to the fact that he needed to sort his shit out and step up to the plate. Until they see that it’s their brokenness causing the pain and their mess to clear up, very little that is constructive takes place and you will end up exhausted, frustrated and resentful. Don’t underestimate how hard this is to come back from. It’s hard to see that in the initial stages, you end up running round trying to plug all the leaks and cracks and just make everything ok. It isn’t ok at the moment and won’t be for a while, maybe for a long while. If you both want the relationship it is possible to come back from, but you need strength and commitment on both sides and just ‘going back to normal’ is not enough any more. He needs to go the extra mile. There are many extra miles to go for him from today to prove himself, he needs to start today. Take care of yourself op, this is a relationship‘s worst nightmare and you need to put yourself first at the moment. XX

Amazing advice, you've put this much better than I could have done

Agree with PPs about seeking real life support for yourself from people you trust. It's important to pick the right people, but isolation will make this all worse because it can feel like he's your only source of company and support, which is no way to make healthy decisions.

I felt the overwhelming urge to keep it secret at first, most of my friends are in couples and it was so difficult to carry on as before. I ended up distancing myself to avoid all the couply meet-ups and got very lonely. In the end, I just told them what was up because I was scared they would think I didn't want to be friends with them any more and was completely surprised by how kind they were. Most of my friends took the line that they hated what he had done and how he had hurt me but just wanted to support me to do whatever I felt was best.

It sounds like some of your friends might not be the best people to tell- I'd trust your instincts on that one. Do you have any family members who you can confide in?

It might also be helpful, once the dust has settled, to look for new opportunities to make friends and maybe reach out to old friends where the contact has waned a bit. I don't mean ditching your existing friends or contacting old friends to talk about the cheating, but having a strong social circle around you can really help with the feelings of isolation and give you confidence. It's also comforting because it takes away that fear of being isolated if you were to split at some point. My DH cheating really spurred me to prioritise maintaining friendships and my life is so much richer for it.

The remorse can seem genuine when he's hung over, feeling rough and knows he could have torn his relationship apart because of his choices. It hasn't happened to me but a good friend and I'm pleased she told me because she really needed someone to talk to while it was all going on. He did the "tell everyone because I deserve everyone to hate me" She spent a lot of this first few weeks comforting him when he was crying and feeling sorry for herself. She also believed his remorse was genuine but the longer it took for her to get over it, the quicker his remorse ran out. After six months he was calling her controlling for expecting him to stick to his promise if no more binge drinking and he hasn't even attempted to get any help for that either. He also agreed to counselling but then moaned at the cost when waiting lists for nhs were so long. He did none of the research either which should have been a red flag.

It took her about a month to decide to give it another go and in that month it was very much all about him, him feeling sad and hating himself and friend being his shoulder to cry on, which I don't think is healthy and I think it's very unfair to put the person whose heart you've broken into the position of being your sole comfort, even more so when you know they haven't spoke to anyone themselves and don't have any emotional support either.

After the month and him agreeing to the boundaries she'd set for trying again, he delayed getting help for as long as he could while also being a bit shocked that giving it another go didn't mean all back to how it was before, there was a family wedding about six months after he cheated and his promise of no more drinking changed to "just a couple at family events when I'm with you" and then when he went on a mates birthday he drank there too and was cross with friend for being upset about it because he felt that after a year, she should trust him again and that it's not a big ask to be able to have a couple of pints while watching the football with mates. He also seemed to think intimacy would be back on the table after that first month too and she felt pressured to go faster than she was ready and then he'd say he deserved the "punishment", all about him again.

I'd say to make sure you have support that is separate to him and id also expect him to be the one to take it upon himself to organise counselling for himself and as a couple. If he leaves that to you to arrange and is passive about it all I'd assume he doesn't actually want to be doing it and is only going along with what you want rather than actually aiming to change.

I'd also want to know how he can be so sure there's no pregnancy risk or that it was only ten mins, that shows a level of thinking that suggests he wasn't as shitfaced as he makes out.

I think it CAN work after cheating or an affair, but as others have said it takes a lot of work from both sides.

I speak from experience as I’m living through it right now. I’m male and my wife had a 7 week full blown affair Physical and emotional with another man that lives very close to us.

Is it easy – NO
Do I feel stupid and used – YES
Do I Love her still – YES
Do I think she still loves me - YES
Are her actions (not her words) showing remorse – Yes

I think you need to ask yourself the same kind of questions.

I think you need to ask yourself do you love him and if the relationship is worth fighting for. People do make mistakes even though a full blown affair is a series of choices and not really a mistake. But in your case this could have been a mistake, a series of bad choices that he now sees was wrong. If it’s out of character and he is showing signs that he is truly sorry may be you should give him a chance, but make sure he knows this is his one and only chance (there will be no more).

One thing I would say, even though I’m living this right now I’m getting through it, not over it. I do feel like I’m looking over my shoulder all the time, I’m always on guard.

Do you think you can live like that? Because I have been living like this every day for the past 7 months and it’s not changed for me yet. I’m hoping with time it will.

But I’m sure if you both put in the time and the effort you can make it work and possibly your relationship could be better than it was before.

Good Luck and stay strong

@BillDates

The remorse can seem genuine when he's hung over, feeling rough and knows he could have torn his relationship apart because of his choices. It hasn't happened to me but a good friend and I'm pleased she told me because she really needed someone to talk to while it was all going on. He did the "tell everyone because I deserve everyone to hate me" She spent a lot of this first few weeks comforting him when he was crying and feeling sorry for herself. She also believed his remorse was genuine but the longer it took for her to get over it, the quicker his remorse ran out. After six months he was calling her controlling for expecting him to stick to his promise if no more binge drinking and he hasn't even attempted to get any help for that either. He also agreed to counselling but then moaned at the cost when waiting lists for nhs were so long. He did none of the research either which should have been a red flag.

It took her about a month to decide to give it another go and in that month it was very much all about him, him feeling sad and hating himself and friend being his shoulder to cry on, which I don't think is healthy and I think it's very unfair to put the person whose heart you've broken into the position of being your sole comfort, even more so when you know they haven't spoke to anyone themselves and don't have any emotional support either.

After the month and him agreeing to the boundaries she'd set for trying again, he delayed getting help for as long as he could while also being a bit shocked that giving it another go didn't mean all back to how it was before, there was a family wedding about six months after he cheated and his promise of no more drinking changed to "just a couple at family events when I'm with you" and then when he went on a mates birthday he drank there too and was cross with friend for being upset about it because he felt that after a year, she should trust him again and that it's not a big ask to be able to have a couple of pints while watching the football with mates. He also seemed to think intimacy would be back on the table after that first month too and she felt pressured to go faster than she was ready and then he'd say he deserved the "punishment", all about him again.

I'd say to make sure you have support that is separate to him and id also expect him to be the one to take it upon himself to organise counselling for himself and as a couple. If he leaves that to you to arrange and is passive about it all I'd assume he doesn't actually want to be doing it and is only going along with what you want rather than actually aiming to change.

I'd also want to know how he can be so sure there's no pregnancy risk or that it was only ten mins, that shows a level of thinking that suggests he wasn't as shitfaced as he makes out.

@BillDates thank you for this perspective, I think I have this fear in my head that this could happen, I have been clear that this process would be a very very very difficult one, that could take years to get to any sort of relationship. He is adamant he is happy for as long as it takes, he will continue to try.

I think leaving him to arrange the therapy is a good idea, it will be a good sign of commitment to working towards a better place - if he does nothing then I guess I can take that as a sign he is not as invested as he is making out.

@p12241342

I think it CAN work after cheating or an affair, but as others have said it takes a lot of work from both sides.

I speak from experience as I’m living through it right now. I’m male and my wife had a 7 week full blown affair Physical and emotional with another man that lives very close to us.

Is it easy – NO
Do I feel stupid and used – YES
Do I Love her still – YES
Do I think she still loves me - YES
Are her actions (not her words) showing remorse – Yes

I think you need to ask yourself the same kind of questions.

I think you need to ask yourself do you love him and if the relationship is worth fighting for. People do make mistakes even though a full blown affair is a series of choices and not really a mistake. But in your case this could have been a mistake, a series of bad choices that he now sees was wrong. If it’s out of character and he is showing signs that he is truly sorry may be you should give him a chance, but make sure he knows this is his one and only chance (there will be no more).

One thing I would say, even though I’m living this right now I’m getting through it, not over it. I do feel like I’m looking over my shoulder all the time, I’m always on guard.

Do you think you can live like that? Because I have been living like this every day for the past 7 months and it’s not changed for me yet. I’m hoping with time it will.

But I’m sure if you both put in the time and the effort you can make it work and possibly your relationship could be better than it was before.

Good Luck and stay strong

@p12241342 gosh I am so sorry this happened to you. There is no worse feeling then this pain.

I do believe this is completely out of character for him, he has never shown interest in women before, actively avoiding any advances.
I do love him, even though he has hurt me so much I still love him dearly. And I believe a relationship is worth salvaging from this.
I believe people make mistakes, and I believe people deserve a second chance - only one and I’ve made that very very clear, I will not be putting up with any nonsense.

Looking over my shoulder is not something I’ve thought of, I think because it feels out of character and I have never had concerns before, I don’t know if I would be worried moving forward that he would do it again. My main concern would be if I found out he had been drinking, that would make me question everything.

I have heard many people say relationships have come out stronger once the issues have been worked through, with a bee found love and respect for each other. I think I may be naive in hoping for that, but we always wish for the best dont we.

Again, I am sorry to hear what your going through. Sending you my best wishes and thank you for taking the time to comment x