Cheating success stories

Bexxe · 2021-11-15T18:06:17+00:00

Has anyone been cheated on and the relationship has gone on to be successful? By cheating, my situation is a very drunken one night stand that lasted 10 mins. I really don’t want any judgemental comments or ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ crap - I am wondering if there is any stories out there of people who have forgiven their partners and have gone on to have a successful relationship?

justgettingonwith · 15/11/2021 18:17

No success story from me. But I can't work out if you're the one who cheated, or you've been cheated on?

Original poster

Bexxe · 15/11/2021 18:22

Been cheated on - trying to decide if I can forgive and forget. It’s very raw, struggling with a decision. I just wanted to know if anyone had managed to work through such issues

OP posts:

rampitup · 15/11/2021 18:24

Drunken ONS so not fully in charge of their brain? Admitted to or discovered by you? Protected or unprotected sex?

Puppylucky · 15/11/2021 18:29

Yes we did. It wasn't easy and sometimes I regret having even tried but we are genuinely very happy now.

Marineboy67 · 15/11/2021 18:31

My ex had a drunken afternoon fuck with someone. No idea how long the act lasted that said I managed another 10 miserable years with her because of the children. Some people may be able to bury it but it's always there. That said people are different.

GreenClock · 15/11/2021 18:38

I think it’s slightly easier to forgive something like that (assuming no unprotected sex) than a full blown affair where emotions were involved and conscious decisions were made to meet up. Premeditated cheating, in other words.

Important to make it clear that forgiveness is not carte blanche for him to repeat his behaviour on the next night out. And dealing with the anxiety whenever he’s out drinking in future could eat away at you because you’ll never be entirely sure of him again.

Tiredofbs123 · 15/11/2021 18:39

Yes. Happily reconciled after his affair.

I’m not bitter. I do trust him (as much as I’d trust anyone now). We are very happy. I’m not looking over my shoulder or tracking him. I’m no doormat, I know what makes ME happy and made a decision based on that.

I just know that he does it again I’m off, I won’t police him.

It’s entirely possible but it’s hard work. And your husband needs to really show true remorse. He needs to really own his behaviour and really work out his boundary issues which led him down that path.

Whatever you do you can’t rugsweep this. It wasn’t ‘just’ a one night stand or a mistake. It was a series of choices he made. He needs to give you exactly what you need to heal and if he doesn’t then he’s not remorseful. Watch his actions not what he says.

But it can and does work, if you both really want it too. There is no shame in staying, you do you!

Original poster

Bexxe · 15/11/2021 18:44

He has a history of alcohol issues, he has known to black out and have no recollection. Both his parents are functioning alcoholics and whilst he doesn’t drink regularly, it’s clear he has an unhealthy binge drinking issue.

He told me the day after, unfortunately it was unprotected which makes me feel sick to my core, so STI checks will be carried out. Pregnancy is not a concern.

He has shown genuine remorse, and has been sobbing for his actions all day since admitting what’s happened. He has told me (without any prompt from me) that he is now clearly aware he does not have a grip on alcohol like he thought and will no longer be drinking. He wants to work on things, says he doesn’t care how long it takes to work through things he is willing to do everything he can to figure things out.
He even agreed to couples therapy I suggested if I wanted to work through things.

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DoctorWhoTardis · 15/11/2021 18:47

Yes.

It did take many years to reconcile, we spilt up for a year afterwards but remained friends for the sake of DC and eventually the trust and love came back. He did work on himself though, a lot I don't think we would of got back together if he didn't.
However we've been very happy since it sounds strange but it was probably a blessing in disguise!

Original poster

Bexxe · 15/11/2021 18:48

Thank you for your kind words. I am struggling with feeling ‘stupid’ and ‘ not respected’.
I know what my family and friends responses will be so haven’t told anyone until I decide what I want to do, as I know the difficulties I will face if I decide to work on things.
Your response has really helped thank you x

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Closetbeanmuncher · 15/11/2021 18:55

The cheating is a red herring and only the tip of the iceberg...

I'm not sure how you expect to have a successful relationship with someone who abuses any sort of substance.

Do you have children with this man?

candlelightsatdawn · 15/11/2021 18:56

Op a issue with alcohol is fairly horrific battle to face as a couple without the cheating . That thrown in that they have linked both genetic and environmental factors into peoples likely hood to develop addictions means your partner and you are in for a rough ride. It's most likely a learn behaviour and breaking generational cycles is a MF.

Denial runs deep with alcoholics and it doesn't matter if he blacked out, I'm assuming he doesn't commit murder on a bender ? That's because on some level he gave himself permission to cheat and is now blaming the alcohol as it's easier than to say well the drink made me a bit braver so I ...

My ex cheated on me after the loss of our child, was drunk (no addiction) and I was pregnant at the time. He blamed a lot of things but ultimately it wasn't how heart broken he was or how sorry . It was the excuses, and the fact he wasn't honest straight after it happened and I found out by accident. Lying is always a premeditated choice

I think you have one thing going for you is that DH told you straight after unprompted.
I would go to counselling make no promises to anyone other than your gonna figure out how you feel, what you need to heal. This isn't about him now it's about you and what you need. Any woes me and it's a 🚩 relate councillors are good.

I'm sorry this happened and your dealing with this.

Watch actions not words. Any discrepancy is another read flag. Xx

Tiredofbs123 · 15/11/2021 18:59

You’re not stupid, it takes courage to even consider reconciling and it’ll take strength to ensure that he really has his boundaries firmly in place. I can recommend ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ book. It’s short but will make it clear to both of you the importance of not rugsweeping. The affair recovery site has loads of videos and although my husbands was an affair I’m sure that a lot of it will help you unpack your own situation. You sound really empathic. That’s lovely, you’ll understand your husband BUT just be careful that you don’t allow his self pity to overshadow your own pain (if that makes sense). Couples counselling is good, but from what you’ve said I think he needs individual counselling first.

Original poster

Bexxe · 15/11/2021 19:00

I think I worded alcohol issues wrong - he is not an alcoholic by any means, he probably goes out to the pub once a month but struggles to find an appropriate limit. He can just keep going and going, he is by no means an alcoholic

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Tiredofbs123 · 15/11/2021 19:01

Sorry posted before finishing as this drinking is a problem.

Tiredofbs123 · 15/11/2021 19:02

@Bexxe

I think I worded alcohol issues wrong - he is not an alcoholic by any means, he probably goes out to the pub once a month but struggles to find an appropriate limit. He can just keep going and going, he is by no means an alcoholic

He probably still needs counselling as he sounds like he has some issues from his parents drinking. He has some work to do on himself for sure!

Original poster

Bexxe · 15/11/2021 19:04

I don’t question his remorse, and he is being very sensitive and careful with me (as he should be).

I think my main concern is I struggle with overactive thinking, and I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive and forget (so to speak).
I’m a very empathetic person, and hate to see other suffer which I can see he is. I’m not letting him off the hook, I have agreed for the time being he can remain in our home but we are not officially together, until I figure out what I want and need.
He said he is very appreciative to be able to stay but if I change my mind he will move out and give me the space I need.

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Original poster

Bexxe · 15/11/2021 19:06

@Tiredofbs123 I have suggested this - he is less enthusiastic about counselling on his own, he had counselling when younger to help with his parental issues and didn’t find it useful.
He has said he will happily go to couples therapy as it will help us and that’s what he cares about, but I explained we won’t work together unless we are both healed.
He seems to have taken this as good for thought, so I’m going to keep encouraging it

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Queenie6655 · 15/11/2021 19:08

@Bexxe

He has a history of alcohol issues, he has known to black out and have no recollection. Both his parents are functioning alcoholics and whilst he doesn’t drink regularly, it’s clear he has an unhealthy binge drinking issue.

He told me the day after, unfortunately it was unprotected which makes me feel sick to my core, so STI checks will be carried out. Pregnancy is not a concern.

He has shown genuine remorse, and has been sobbing for his actions all day since admitting what’s happened. He has told me (without any prompt from me) that he is now clearly aware he does not have a grip on alcohol like he thought and will no longer be drinking. He wants to work on things, says he doesn’t care how long it takes to work through things he is willing to do everything he can to figure things out.
He even agreed to couples therapy I suggested if I wanted to work through things.

NOT ON A MILLION YEARS

Please have some respect for yourself

How dare he !!!

Sorry you been through this xxx

ErickBroch · 15/11/2021 19:13

I have been shockingly drunk many times in my life and have never even come close to shagging someone else, and to be frank, I have had wild years and numerous ONS! So I am not a prude.

I truly do not believe someone can be so drunk that they don't know what they're doing to the point of sleeping with someone else, at all. Sorry OP.

IsThePopeCatholic · 15/11/2021 19:15

I think it’s perfectly possible to reconcile after cheating - it depends what your relationship was like before and if it’s worth saving. A close family member was cheated on by her dh. He agreed to have psychotherapy to sort out his ‘issues’. They are still happily married 12 years on. Everyone’s different and I imagine the relationship can never be the same again.

Graphista · 15/11/2021 19:15

In this case I have to be honest and say I would leave

Not just because of the cheating but because of the alcoholism mainly, the cheating is a symptom really. But also peoples character doesn't change because of drink they just act how they would if they didn't have inhibitions which I think is worth bearing in mind.

I would also find it v hard to forgive putting my sexual health at risk as I am fastidious about that having reached age of consent at the height of the AIDS crisis.

If he is quitting drinking is he trying to do it on willpower alone? As that very rarely works ime (family full of addicts mainly alcohol)

My own observation of those addicts is that the ones that successfully achieved sobriety

1 completely owned it (the fact you're reluctant to acknowledge his addiction suggests to me he is too)

2 accepted they couldn't do it alone

3 used a sober support organisation/group - aa is the one everyone thinks of but it's not for everyone there are other eg nhs support, church groups

As I thought - you misunderstand what alcoholism is/can be there are a lot of myths that prevail. He needn't be drinking often it's the fact he can't control himself when he does drink is the key factor, it's his relationship with and response to alcohol that is important. There are regular drinking alcoholics, infrequent drinking alcoholics and binge drinking alcoholics which it sounds like he is

That individual counselling didn't work for him in the past doesn't mean it won't now. He's in a different place, then there are factors of motivation and a different therapist etc (he needs to find someone good that he gels with. Bear in mind in uk ANYONE can call themselves a counsellor it's not regulated, psychotherapists and psychologists are)

You have a lot here to consider. If there are children involved in all this I would definitely say leave.

Buildingthefuture · 15/11/2021 19:18

I’m sorry op, this must be hard. It has never happened to me (as far as I know!) but I could forgive a stupid drunken shag more readily than I could a full blown affair and I do know people who’ve forgiven one or the other and moved on (after lots of hard work) very happily.
I think it depends now on his actions (far more than his words). If he is genuinely remorseful, stops drinking and does EVERYTHING he says he will do to regain your trust, then yes, if YOU want to, you can salvage your relationship. Anybody can make a mistake (particularly a pissed up one) and I believe everyone deserves a second chance (but ONLY one!) If your relationship is good overall and this is totally out of character, I would probably give him another chance…

workshy44 · 15/11/2021 19:20

In most cases on here I would say they have little chance of success but in your case I think if I really loved him I would try to work through it. The fact that he admitted unprompted would be a big deal for me

GreenClock · 15/11/2021 19:22

Playing fast and loose with your sexual health really is despicable OP.