Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he go out too much?

288 replies

cookiemum6 · 13/11/2021 09:04

We have two DC. One is 5, the other is 8 months. He works full time Monday-Friday which isn't the issue, but I don’t look forward to the weekends like I should. He leaves the house at 7am on Saturdays to play golf and comes home around 3ish. Then Sundays he leaves the house at 8am and comes home 4ish as he plays football then goes back to the pub. I’m just so fed up. I feel like I do it all on my own. I’m so tired all the time. I know it’s not DC’s fault, but I’ve just sat and cried in frustration as he is teething and has done nothing but scream for the past 20 minutes and my 5 year old has done nothing but moan saying he’s bored. I have spoke to DP and asked if he would mind stopping golf for a couple of weekends maybe so it would feel like I had a bit of a breather on a Saturday morning. But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby. But that isn’t the issue for me. I just feel so down and tired and fed upSad

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 14/11/2021 12:44

That sounds crap OP, no wonder you don't look forward to the weekends. When do you ever get to go out as a family? I don't think getting a hobby yourself is the answer when I assume what you want is a more present partner

mirabelle04 · 14/11/2021 12:55

@liveforsummer

That sounds crap OP, no wonder you don't look forward to the weekends. When do you ever get to go out as a family? I don't think getting a hobby yourself is the answer when I assume what you want is a more present partner
For sure, but if she took some time off him AND the kids it could do wonder on her own mental state. If they alternate week ends she doesn't need to be out all day Saturday and Sunday. So either of those days could accommodate family time.
Dery · 14/11/2021 14:34

He and his friends sound immature, selfish and entitled, OP. They are pathetic excuses for partners and fathers who are setting very bad examples to their children.

What’s a bit weird, OP, is that you still care what he might say to you if you take the kids and spend the day with your mum. I mean - he’s taken himself off for the day so how does he get to have a say over what you and the children do today anyway? He’s opted out so as long as the children are safe and well cared-for, what business is it if his how you spend your day? Why are you letting him dictate what you and the children do when he’s not even there? He sounds like a pig, OP, and the sooner you get away from him the better, by the sound of it.

Dery · 14/11/2021 14:36

It’s just occurred to me that he probably wants you to stay alone with the kids because he doesn’t want your family and friends to realise how absent he is. At some level, he knows this carry-on is wrong but he doesn’t care enough for you or your children to change it.

Loudestcat14 · 14/11/2021 14:42

There's a saying that you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep and both your DH and his best mate sound like prize dickheads.

Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life, OP? He clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings or spending time with you and the children, so what's the point in staying married to him? If you split up and he has the kids either 50:50 or at weekends or whatever, maybe he'll realise what hard work it is. Meanwhile you can spend that time to yourself having a well-earned rest.

Crystalvas · 14/11/2021 16:54

OP does he ever keep in touch with you by text or even a quick call wen hes out getting his jollies?

Original poster
cookiemum6 · 14/11/2021 17:08

I phoned my mum earlier and asked if I could call round tomorrow for a few hours, all sorted. I didn’t know that he was listening in as he was in the living room (I was in the kitchen) When I came back into the living room he said “what did you ask your mum” I told him that I have arranged to go to her house tomorrow for a hours. He pulled his face, kind of a dirty look, and said “why, what for?” Not “oh that will be nice considering you’ve been stuck in all weekend” You really couldn’t write my life

OP posts:
magicstars · 14/11/2021 17:11

He's a e twit.
You & dc deserve better.

Original poster
cookiemum6 · 14/11/2021 17:11

@Crystalvas No, he says he’s too busy at golf and he doesn’t on a Sunday because when he’s in the pub he doesn’t hear his phone or that him and his friends are all too busy talking. According to him

OP posts:
EarthSight · 14/11/2021 17:17

@cookiemum6

I phoned my mum earlier and asked if I could call round tomorrow for a few hours, all sorted. I didn’t know that he was listening in as he was in the living room (I was in the kitchen) When I came back into the living room he said “what did you ask your mum” I told him that I have arranged to go to her house tomorrow for a hours. He pulled his face, kind of a dirty look, and said “why, what for?” Not “oh that will be nice considering you’ve been stuck in all weekend” You really couldn’t write my life
He pulled his face, kind of a dirty look, and said “why, what for?

If he is the type that most of us think he is, he won't like you asserting yourself one bit. He does what he wants, yet expects you to justify seeing your mum. There has to be some extra important reason why you are allowed out.

The more you write about him, the worse he seems.

Original poster
cookiemum6 · 14/11/2021 17:20

Just had a bit of an argument with him. I asked him what his problem was with me going out tomorrow. He said he doesn’t have one. I said you obviously do as you pulled your face. He says “I just don’t want you to start relying on your mum for help” is he for real

OP posts:
peboh · 14/11/2021 17:20

@cookiemum6

Just had a bit of an argument with him. I asked him what his problem was with me going out tomorrow. He said he doesn’t have one. I said you obviously do as you pulled your face. He says “I just don’t want you to start relying on your mum for help” is he for real
Just tell him that you can't rely on anyone else, therefore spending time with your mum just to have a bit of adult chat is the least he should be concerned about.
EarthSight · 14/11/2021 17:20

Also, next weekend, I'd be tempted to go out all day somewhere and leave him with the kids for the same amount of time he leaves them with you. Be prepared for lots of sulking, pouting and silences to punish you afterwards though.

EarthSight · 14/11/2021 17:21

Eh? Relying on your mum for help? But you're going to hers without the kids....aren't you? So why would this be relying on her for help??

Yummypumpkin · 14/11/2021 17:23

I really like your style, OP.

Original poster
cookiemum6 · 14/11/2021 17:27

@EarthSight No I’ll be bringing them with me. So I’m even more stumped as to why he’s bothered considering he’ll be at work and won’t have to look after them

OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 14/11/2021 17:37

there are a lot of people I know who are out more than me who have a partner and kids

And how long do you think they are going to be together for

We used to know a guy like this. He was always in the pub or going somewhere without his wife or child. He was never at home.

She left him. He couldn’t believe it. It was truly a huge shock to him that she wasn’t going to sit at home waiting for his return.

EarthSight · 14/11/2021 17:58

Unless your mum is a hostile, difficult person generally, the the comment makes no sense.

You're not allowed to leave the house at all then? Or maybe he's starting to realise that you're slipping away from him and that you have people out there that can help you.

I reckon you're giving him a really easy time. Let's see how much proof is in the pudding here. Why don't you announce that, like him, you'd like to go out regularly from now on, and yes, he's entirely right that you shouldn't be relying too much on your mum, so he can take care of the kids whilst you're out of the house for 6 hours.

After all, didn't you say that he wouldn't stop you from having hobbies or something? So I'm sure one day this month (compared to his usual 8 weekend days) will be entirely fair......won't it?

Again, this could have so easily be avoided. He's a selfish pl

DukkaDukka · 14/11/2021 18:03

So he doesn’t like you going to your mums with the children? How fucking ridiculous.

Do you think he’s worried you’ll tell her what an arse he is, and it will all come out and make him look bad?

What does he think you should do all day? Sit at home? Just be aware of him controlling you. Which fits with him punishing you by refusing to do any nappy changes etc when you get back. It’s to keep you in line.

If I were you I would go to your mums and not return…

category12 · 14/11/2021 18:06

[quote cookiemum6]@EarthSight No I’ll be bringing them with me. So I’m even more stumped as to why he’s bothered considering he’ll be at work and won’t have to look after them[/quote]
He's pissy because he doesn't want you getting support from your mum, whether emotional or practical.

He's worried that you'll discuss his behaviour and she will back you up that he's being a dick, and that with emotional support you might stand up to him more or even leave, disrupting his perfect life. Because it is great for him, all this - he does exactly as he likes, and has you, the home comforts, family life, without putting in effort.

It may be that you don't have a very supportive mum and she'll just tell you to suck it up, all men are like this or something (I hope not, I hope you have a supportive one that would tear him a new one) but he still doesn't want light shone on his behaviour and you to get feedback or validation from other people.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 18:42

He's worried that you'll discuss his behaviour and she will back you up that he's being a dick, and that with emotional support you might stand up to him more or even leave, disrupting his perfect life. Because it is great for him, all this - he does exactly as he likes, and has you, the home comforts, family life, without putting in effort.

Exactly this.

This is why he doesn't really want you to see your mum. He senses you've clocked quite how unbelievably selfish his behaviour is and now he's worried you'll tell people. Because you see he knows it's selfish and unfair. He knows most people would agree it's selfish and unfair and tell you so.

He's pathetic.

This isn't fixable, it's not a suitable relationship to stay in long term because he's fundamentally not a nice person and doesn't have any natural sense of care for, love towards or enjoyment of you and the kids.

Please make plans to leave.

Crystalvas · 14/11/2021 18:48

[quote cookiemum6]@Crystalvas No, he says he’s too busy at golf and he doesn’t on a Sunday because when he’s in the pub he doesn’t hear his phone or that him and his friends are all too busy talking. According to him[/quote]
OP im so sorry to say if he cared for you or was thinking about you and the DC during the day when out he would at least call or text you. When my OH goes out he normally stays away the nite as the nearest city where his friends are has no late night public transport plus im home with the DC so cant collect him like i did be before we had DC. He stays ina hotel but I don’t mind that. He texts regularly throughout the night plus sends a few pics of himself and the guys having a great time.! Then when hes back in the hotel he calls me for a chat then home early the next day. OP thats how it should be not the way hes treating you and DC now. Please reconsider your relationship. He dosn’t seem to bring anything to you relationship or family life you may as well be a single mother.

Cotswoldmama · 14/11/2021 18:57

You are worth so much more. I would leave him. If he's basically not there anyway you'll be no worse off and maybe better off as he'll have to make time for his children at weekends. Well I'd hope he would.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 14/11/2021 19:06

He doesn't want you relying on your Mum for help?!?! I'd be raging at that comment as you certainly can't rely on him, your husband and father of your children to help.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 14/11/2021 19:08

Actually on second thoughts I'd be telling him you're not relying on your dm to help as he's looking after the dc. From now onwards you'll be going to your dm every Monday night for the evening, to spend quality time with her without the dc, and every Wednesday evening you'll be going to sewing club/swimming/baking/WI or even just going to the cinema, alone... take your pick.

Swipe left for the next trending thread