Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he go out too much?

288 replies

cookiemum6 · 13/11/2021 09:04

We have two DC. One is 5, the other is 8 months. He works full time Monday-Friday which isn't the issue, but I don’t look forward to the weekends like I should. He leaves the house at 7am on Saturdays to play golf and comes home around 3ish. Then Sundays he leaves the house at 8am and comes home 4ish as he plays football then goes back to the pub. I’m just so fed up. I feel like I do it all on my own. I’m so tired all the time. I know it’s not DC’s fault, but I’ve just sat and cried in frustration as he is teething and has done nothing but scream for the past 20 minutes and my 5 year old has done nothing but moan saying he’s bored. I have spoke to DP and asked if he would mind stopping golf for a couple of weekends maybe so it would feel like I had a bit of a breather on a Saturday morning. But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby. But that isn’t the issue for me. I just feel so down and tired and fed upSad

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 14/11/2021 09:39

The problem is not him going out is his attitude he doesn’t care or want to live with you and the children,he likes living his life.Does he enjoy being with you and the children,have fun read them stories,take them to the park.These answers will tell you everything about him.I think you already know the answer so you now need to make plans and take back control.

nocnoc · 14/11/2021 09:39

I’m so annoyed on your behalf

Sloth66 · 14/11/2021 09:39

This man has got what he wants hasn’t he, a wife at home, 2 kids and a single full time social life away from you all.
He’s told you who he is - a selfish uncaring man who isn’t interested in spending any time with his young family. he won’t change. He’s got things how he wants.
I hope you have support in real life from family and friends. I’d be talking to them, and perhaps seeing a solicitor for initial legal advice.

EarthSight · 14/11/2021 09:42

[quote cookiemum6]@Wizzbangfizz I’m not working at the moment and I don’t drive as I have epilepsy. And he wouldn’t like it. I went out around 6 months ago with a friend for some drinks. It was the first time I had been out in about a year. I had been out for 2 hours when he started messaging me seeing what time I’d be home[/quote]
Yeah I think it's becoming clear to everyone now that your role is firmly in the home, despite him saying he would never stop your hobbies. I would seriously test that by saying you're going with the local ramblers or shopping next week somewhere and that you'll be out of the house for hours. I'd be very surprised if he doesn't sulk or start presenting excuses as to why you shouldn't go.

nocnoc · 14/11/2021 09:42

Why did he have kids?

nocnoc · 14/11/2021 09:45

Have you got any friends you want to visit or go away for a weekend with? Time for an overnight spa visit without the kids. Has he ever had them overnight on his own? When my eldest was 6 months old I went to a spa for a weekend and left him with dad. It’s the best thing. It levels the playing field. It brings reality home. Google champneys. Book a room and some treatments. You’re going without the kids and he’s in for the weekend. He’s a dad not a single 25 year old

EarthSight · 14/11/2021 09:46

@cookiemum6

It’s like tomorrow, his team haven’t got a match due to something being wrong with the pitch, so rather than taking the opportunity to spend time with us or for us to go somewhere, he’s going watching his friends team instead
This is unacceptable, but not because he's watching his friend's team. It's unacceptable that he fits his family around golf, and not his golf around his family. It's not acceptable being second best all the time.
GoodnessGraciousMeOMy · 14/11/2021 09:47

I work all week and my husband stays at home. I'm knackered BUT I get an actual lunch break at work. I also get moments of quiet. My husband has our child hanging off him all day long, the tantrums, the mess.

DH goes out one evening a week for his hobby and I'm more than happy for this. I go out one evening a week to see friends. He is more than happy. At the weekend, we take it in turns for a lay in. If I want to see friends I try to arrange it for during dc nap and when I get home I take child and give DH a break.

Neither of us has hobbies really but DH used to play football at the weekend for one day. On the day he didn't he would take the lion's share of looking after dc.

Your husband is an absolute selfish dick. He sounds like a complete child and honestly, he has totally checked out of family life.

nocnoc · 14/11/2021 09:49

@GoodnessGraciousMeOMy OP this is how we divided our time when kids were young. One got to stay in bed or do what they want on a Saturday morning and then the other got Sunday. Then we’d swap the days around. Afternoons were then spent doing stuff as a family. That is fairly typical of most people I know. Two days at the weekend. One each.

Lifeispassingby · 14/11/2021 09:51

I think it’s sad that not only does he not think enough of you to want to give you a break despite you asking him to help you, but he also doesn’t want to spend time with you or his children. You deserve better and it’s time to make it happen as he is never going to show you the respect that you deserve as a mother or partner

MarshmallowSwede · 14/11/2021 09:52

So what you’re saying is that he does not spend time with his family on weekend until it is convenient for him. Meanwhile you are unable to have and time to do anything for yourself because you are always looking after the children.

He is not engaged or helping parent so what is doing as a parent and husband to help you raise your family.

And him saying no he won’t stop playing golf … he can’t cut down and help some weekends? Not that, but does he have no desire to go out as a family or actually spend time with his children?

This would prompt me to separate. He is not act only involved so what’s the point in him being there?

I’m amazed that these sort of men are able to get wives!

EarthSight · 14/11/2021 09:59

@cookiemum6

Thanks for all the supportive comments everyone. I’m glad to hear it’s not just me who thinks it’s unacceptable. I had another talk to him last night because I couldn’t face dealing with most of today on my own with no help as I just feel so worn down. These are a few things he said.. “I work all week” “none of my friends partners stop them from going out” (I never stop him so I don’t understand that one) and “there are a lot of people I know who are out more than me who have a partner and kids” There is no reasoning with him
Either he truly has a self-centred, 'poor me' mindset, or he's using your good nature against you.

I think you know all of this is wrong, and probably had higher standards once upon a time, but he's worn you down and made you question if you're being mean.

None of my friend's partners stop them from going out

So what?? This is utterly meaningless. Men often socialise with groups of similar me. It doesn't mean they're right or normal. I can just hear a man somewhere pleading 'but the other wives don't mind their partners going to strip clubs'.

He's put himself in this position by being so selfish. He probably could have avoided it if he simply organised 1 - 2 days a month where you all go out as a family, and being more supportive of you having a break. He's pushed you too far and in the process has showing you who he really is and where his priorities lie.

He works all week......yeah, so do a lot of other people. It's clear to me that he had children knowing or hoping that you would do pretty much all the childcare and that he would get to carry on with life as if nothing had really changed. He is unwilling to make as many sacrifices as he should.

Cocogreen · 14/11/2021 10:00

Yes he goes out too much.
He's living the life of a single man with no children and he's incredibly selfish.
Maybe ask him how he'd feel if you disappeared for 16 hours during the day on the weekends.
I hope the situation changes OP, otherwise I don't really see the point of him.

Original poster
cookiemum6 · 14/11/2021 10:06

He is unbelievable. He hasn’t got a match today because there is something wrong with the pitch so he is going watching his friends team. He is leaving the house a little later today so I asked him if he could feed the baby his porridge, he agreed, so I made it. Before I made it, I was on my phone having a coffee because baby wasn’t quite due it yet. This is how the conversation went..
“There is no point in me going watching said friends match”
“Why?”
“Because you are sat there on your phone, you haven’t even made it yet”
I’m fuming

OP posts:
Original poster
cookiemum6 · 14/11/2021 10:09

Oh I forgot, he also said “I won’t be able to feed it him soon”

OP posts:
bucketsoflove · 14/11/2021 10:12

So you've tried to talk to him and it's not getting anywhere. He sees himself as more important than you - not your partner at all.

Time to dig deep and decide on your boundaries. What are you prepared to put up with for the next 10+ years until your DC are old enough to be left by themselves?

When my DC were little Saturday morning was me time, Saturday afternoon family time, then DH played golf on Sunday til about 3pm worked for us, but as DC get bigger they have sports, parties and need chauffeuring around. If your DP is never there who will do that for them as you can't drive? So it will come to affect them as well as you.

He has told you who he is, time to decide who you are and what you are worth.

Carpetsareforflying · 14/11/2021 10:13

Tell him to go out and not bother coming home

peboh · 14/11/2021 10:14

I'm all for parents having a life outside of work and children, however that is definitely too much. He isn't present with your family, and the kids will grow up to resent him for that!
What's he like as a dad? Does he help out in the time he's at home, play with them, watch movies etc? Or is he sitting around doing nothing and just waiting for his time out?

He needs to grow up, and step up. Having hobbies is not a bad thing, allowing those hobbies to take up all your free time and ignoring your family and their needs is a bad thing.

DukkaDukka · 14/11/2021 10:19

So he doesn’t want to change and isn’t going to change. It’s up to you to decide how you’re going to go forward from here. It’s either put up with it, or stop tolerating it and leave. I don’t think there’s any other option. He doesn’t care.

nomorefrogs · 14/11/2021 10:20

Yuck This man wants to look like a family man whilst doing bloody nothing. This kind of lazy selfish attitude is what my ex h is my ex h. He expected me to do everything while he was off playing golf, football etc. I decided as he was an absent dad then he might as well just contribute money to the family in the form of maintenance. He was also a selfish entitled man when it came to our sex life. You are better than this op.

MamDancer · 14/11/2021 10:23

How much more are you going to take OP? He can't even be arsed to make porridge for - or feed - his OWN CHILD?

And he still has plans to go out. Why are you still so passive, after all the replies here?

Crystalvas · 14/11/2021 10:30

What an arsehole. Could’t be bothered to make his DC breakfast. Time to him hes no use to you and next time he goes out not to bother comming back.

DukkaDukka · 14/11/2021 10:34

So he can’t even be arsed to make his own child porridge?

Monalotmoore · 14/11/2021 10:36

@cookiemum6

He is unbelievable. He hasn’t got a match today because there is something wrong with the pitch so he is going watching his friends team. He is leaving the house a little later today so I asked him if he could feed the baby his porridge, he agreed, so I made it. Before I made it, I was on my phone having a coffee because baby wasn’t quite due it yet. This is how the conversation went.. “There is no point in me going watching said friends match” “Why?” “Because you are sat there on your phone, you haven’t even made it yet” I’m fuming
And what was your reply?? You really need to assert yourself and stop letting him get away with this. Just go out and leave the kids with him.
MamDancer · 14/11/2021 10:38

And no, he isn't "unbelievable". He knows he'll get away with it. Every time.