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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he go out too much?

288 replies

cookiemum6 · 13/11/2021 09:04

We have two DC. One is 5, the other is 8 months. He works full time Monday-Friday which isn't the issue, but I don’t look forward to the weekends like I should. He leaves the house at 7am on Saturdays to play golf and comes home around 3ish. Then Sundays he leaves the house at 8am and comes home 4ish as he plays football then goes back to the pub. I’m just so fed up. I feel like I do it all on my own. I’m so tired all the time. I know it’s not DC’s fault, but I’ve just sat and cried in frustration as he is teething and has done nothing but scream for the past 20 minutes and my 5 year old has done nothing but moan saying he’s bored. I have spoke to DP and asked if he would mind stopping golf for a couple of weekends maybe so it would feel like I had a bit of a breather on a Saturday morning. But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby. But that isn’t the issue for me. I just feel so down and tired and fed upSad

OP posts:
Dery · 14/11/2021 19:08

@category12 and @youvegottenminuteslynn have nailed it. Deep down he knows he is treating his little family like shit but he doesn't want his behaviour talked about.

Agree with everything else they've said too. If this continues, then your children are getting very damaging messages about how men should behave towards their families. You really do not want them growing up thinking this is okay. Not sure of their genders but, if one or both of them are male, you don't want them treating their partner and children like this and if one or both of them are female, you don't want them being treated like you are being treated.

YRGAM · 14/11/2021 19:18

In a lot of cases like this, absent fathers think their behaviour is acceptable because all the men around them act the same way. This sounds like it's the case here. Does he have any male friends or relatives who you trust enough to convince him (subtly) that what he's doing isn't fair?

Crystalvas · 14/11/2021 19:32

@Cotswoldmama

You are worth so much more. I would leave him. If he's basically not there anyway you'll be no worse off and maybe better off as he'll have to make time for his children at weekends. Well I'd hope he would.
Exactly this OP. Pleas think of yourself. As I said in an earlier post you would have more time to yourself if u guys were separated. Amazingly he would not have all the time for hobbies he had now if he had the DC EOW 🤣 plus you would have the chance to meet some1 who would value you like you should be.
DoctorManhattan · 14/11/2021 19:38

After reading your latest post, I’m starting to think this isn’t just a selfish prick of a guy - but a possessive and controlling one. He should not have any possible reason to be annoyed about you going to your mums, unless the reason he is out every weekend is because it means he knows you have to stay with the kids. Emphasised by the fact he ring you on your one night out wanting to know when you’d be back. I think this all deliberate and not just him being one of the lads.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/11/2021 19:44

@DoctorManhattan

After reading your latest post, I’m starting to think this isn’t just a selfish prick of a guy - but a possessive and controlling one. He should not have any possible reason to be annoyed about you going to your mums, unless the reason he is out every weekend is because it means he knows you have to stay with the kids. Emphasised by the fact he ring you on your one night out wanting to know when you’d be back. I think this all deliberate and not just him being one of the lads.
This.

OP this isn't a relationship with a decent bloke that is salvageable. He's horrible.

Being single is better than being with someone like this, both for you and also for your children so they aren't taught from your dynamic that men do what they want and women do the cooking, cleaning, childcare and sacrifice.

Kennykenkencat · 14/11/2021 19:50

I think he is worried that if you get someone to look after the children then you will be open to meeting someone else.

Are you sure he is at golf and football and his mate isn’t just covering for him

EsmeraldaFudge · 14/11/2021 19:51

I'd be inclined to split up and go for shared custody. He would have to do his share at the weekend then the useless shit.

PussInBin20 · 14/11/2021 20:06

You can’t change him, you can only change you.
It doesn’t sound like he wants a relationship with any of you.
OP, you know what to do.

reader12 · 14/11/2021 21:45

I’m sorry your partner is an arsehole.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/11/2021 21:54

I'd normally advise to talk to him and try and sort things but honestly just leave him. He sounds like a complete waste of energy and I think youd be happier

RantyAunty · 14/11/2021 22:50

RTET

At first, I thought there might be some talking with him but the more you described, it wouldn't do any good to try to talk to him.

He's made it clear with his actions, he truly doesn't care about his family.

He also seems to have a real problem with you doing anything but taking care of the kids and him 24/7.

Anytime you want to do anything he cops an attitude.
So as long as everything goes his way, he's ok to be around.

I do hope you have a nice time with your mum.
I hope it gives you time to think about what a bad situation you and your DC are in. You deserve so much better.

Flakjacketon · 15/11/2021 07:52

I would begin to gently assert myself and see if he steps up or how he reacts. Start with an evening activity - swimming; dancing; gym - leaving him to do bedtimes - hopefully you trust him enough to be able to do this. If he says anything, remind him that he said he would never stop you doing hobbies. If the timing is inconvenient - ask him when would be convenient.
Then go out for a coffee with friends at a weekend - when he is not busy to start with.
Finally and perhaps most importantly take the DC out for the day at the weekend without him, your DC should not miss out just because their DF prioritises himself before them. Take you Mum, if she is that sort of Mum.
None of this will impact HIS hobbies, at this stage, so he really has no reason to complain.
How he reacts to all of this will tell you everything you need to know.
Good luck and be kind to yourself and your DC 💐

DukkaDukka · 15/11/2021 08:00

Does he expect you to sit at home all week with the kids? What about friends/baby groups etc?

Beefcurtains79 · 15/11/2021 08:10

How old is he? Why does a grown man with a family want/need to go and watch his mate play Sunday football?
That alone is extremely, extremely odd.

Beefcurtains79 · 15/11/2021 08:11

He sounds so horrible, please don’t live your life like this. Tell your mum and start looking for jobs, I’m so sorry you’re in this position, he’s a nasty bit of work.

rookiemere · 15/11/2021 08:40

Sorry but the more I read of what you post OP, this is less about a selfish man and more about coercive control. Not wanting you to see your DM when he's not even there as you might come to rely on her for help, is actually quite chilling.
Go to your DMs, and start planning to leave this awful man. Nothing else will work.

Sidehustle99 · 15/11/2021 08:56

Has he ever accidentally taken your keys or the car seat so you are stuck at home when he knows you've made plans?

Has your purse ever gone missing for a day so you can't go out and then it's turned up somewhere later on where you have already checked?

Whatabambam · 15/11/2021 11:36

I think that you are beginning to recognise that your partner is not a very nice person. I agree with a PP that you can judge someone by the company they keep. His friend sounds horrendous. He is also using the classic defence of comparing his own behaviour favourably against his friend's. This is such a week tactic but it takes a while for the recipient (you) to recognise the flaw; it doesn't matter if his friend's behaviour is worse, his own behaviour is also unacceptable and selfish. By drawing comparisons, he's simply deflecting away from his own actions.

I also agree with PP; his reaction towards you when you are going out is very controlling. This post is not just about the expectations around how frequently a partner goes out, there is something much more sinister here which is that you are completely disempowered.

You won't change him and so my advice would be to focus on separating and working towards improving your sense of independence, self belief and power. You have got this OP, I don't think you would have posted here if you didn't know that things didn't feel good. This is falling into the realms of abusive behaviour and you must see it as such and leave.

YukoandHiro · 15/11/2021 11:39

He is stoping you from doing whatever your hobby would be because you get zero break.

Has he always been this distant or is it since the recent baby?

pumkinbump · 15/11/2021 11:44

Totally out of order. How has his life changed since he had children? It doesn't sound like it has at all to me.

YukoandHiro · 15/11/2021 11:49

The comment about he doesn't want you relying on your mum is a bit chilling... it definitely suggests that he's trying to control you and shrink your life, make sure you have no support.
Do you want to continue your marriage?

Bookworm20 · 15/11/2021 11:59

I think your life will actually be so much better without him in it. What a complete manchild. He has zero care for you OP. Or for your little dc either by the sounds of it

Him and his mates think they can have the benefits of a wife and not have to give up their single life at all. He doesn't care that you're run ragged.
So what if he works all week. WTF does he think you do? Work much damn harder than him, thats for sure. So, he earns money. You're raising his children!
But he sees this as womens work, no?

If I were you, I'd pack up the DC, and get yourself on a little week long break somewhere.
Leave him a note saying you've had enough, you're at breaking point, and you're going on a weeks holiday. he can't stop you because he'll never stop you from doing what you want, will he? His words.

Hell, print out this thread and leave it for him to read.

Then use that week to enjoy your DC, clear your head and think about what you want in a relationship and for your and your children future. And then make your plans.

If your mum is supportive, maybe she can go with you to help with the DC? Or a friend?

Tell him if he wants to continue to live like a single bloke, he can.
He's now single.

Oh and he will be having the DC every other weekend. That will really screw up his golf and football.

Although I suspect if you do decide to kick him out, he sounds the sort to totally turn his back on his dc, so be prepared for that.

I honestly don't know how you can stand to look at him. Has he any nice qualities at all?

Original poster
cookiemum6 · 15/11/2021 12:00

@Sidehustle99 Nothing like that has ever happened. Not really what you asked but there have been times where I’ve made plans with a friend or my mum to go for lunch and he’s pointed out that I won’t be able to go be used he’s either got football or golf

OP posts:
Original poster
cookiemum6 · 15/11/2021 12:03

@YukoandHiro
@pumkinbump
He’s always played football on a Sunday (which I was fine with) but since the baby has arrived he has started to go back to the pub after and took golf up when our baby was around 4 weeks old

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 15/11/2021 12:07

@YukoandHiro

The comment about he doesn't want you relying on your mum is a bit chilling... it definitely suggests that he's trying to control you and shrink your life, make sure you have no support. Do you want to continue your marriage?
This. It is chilling. Abusive partners will try and cut you off from as many people as they can. So your only support is the abuser. A normal loving partner would be happy you are seeing your mum and getting some help and support from her, because a normal loving partner would care about how you are and if you're ok.