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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he go out too much?

288 replies

cookiemum6 · 13/11/2021 09:04

We have two DC. One is 5, the other is 8 months. He works full time Monday-Friday which isn't the issue, but I don’t look forward to the weekends like I should. He leaves the house at 7am on Saturdays to play golf and comes home around 3ish. Then Sundays he leaves the house at 8am and comes home 4ish as he plays football then goes back to the pub. I’m just so fed up. I feel like I do it all on my own. I’m so tired all the time. I know it’s not DC’s fault, but I’ve just sat and cried in frustration as he is teething and has done nothing but scream for the past 20 minutes and my 5 year old has done nothing but moan saying he’s bored. I have spoke to DP and asked if he would mind stopping golf for a couple of weekends maybe so it would feel like I had a bit of a breather on a Saturday morning. But he’s refused and told me that he’d never stop me from doing a hobby. But that isn’t the issue for me. I just feel so down and tired and fed upSad

OP posts:
Original poster
cookiemum6 · 14/11/2021 10:39

He’s gone out now. Apparently it’s my fault he’s going to be 5 minutes late for asking him to feed dc his breakfast and may miss kick off. Or maybe it’s the fact he couldn’t be arsed getting out of bed. So glad I started this thread. It feels good to share this with others

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 14/11/2021 10:39

Spend some time today on some of these suggestions on MN really think it through,you sound so sad this is a terrible life.Why didn’t he make the breakfast and feed the baby because he doesn’t care.One day you will sort this today just think about it and find a way out.Today can you go to the park for a while for some fresh air and get out of the house.Do you have family to visit maybe lunch out meet a friend.Cook for yourself and children,when he comes in ignore him.There is no point discussing anything with him.Good luck

rainbowstardrops · 14/11/2021 10:40

Fucking selfish arse!
You may as well be a single parent. At least you'll get every other weekend to yourself then (if he could be bothered to have contact).
I'd get really cross with him and tell him he's about to lose his family. Prick.

Original poster
cookiemum6 · 14/11/2021 10:43

@Ragruggers I could go to my mums for a brew but if I do I’ll have it thrown back in my face and when I get back, I’ll be expected to do every feed and every change. It really makes me realise how much of dick he is when I actually type everything out

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 14/11/2021 10:43

Sorry I see you are not married,do you rent ?is your name on the rental,do you have your own money?You can do this ask for help to leave him and give your children a happy life.He will never change.

Original poster
cookiemum6 · 14/11/2021 10:45

@Ragruggers Yes we rent, both of our names are on it. I receive money for the kids which obviously goes on them, then I receive PIP for my epilepsy. I don’t depend on him for money

OP posts:
nomorefrogs · 14/11/2021 10:48

Can you just not be there when he gets back? Bath the kids at your mums and bring them home to bed. I would certainly begin to detach from him and make your own plans entirely separate from him. He's an entitled arse and you have become his skivvy and emotional punch bag. Time for him to shape up or ship out!

Dery · 14/11/2021 10:49

“Spend some time today on some of these suggestions on MN really think it through,you sound so sad this is a terrible life.Why didn’t he make the breakfast and feed the baby because he doesn’t care.One day you will sort this today just think about it and find a way out.Today can you go to the park for a while for some fresh air and get out of the house.Do you have family to visit maybe lunch out meet a friend.Cook for yourself and children,when he comes in ignore him.There is no point discussing anything with him.Good luck”

This. OP - the more you describe this man, the more I think he is actively abusive as well as being neglectful. His selfishness and sense of entitlement know no bounds and there seems to be no talking to him. He clearly runs with a pack of similarly selfish and entitled men who probably laugh about their spouses and describe them as nags and bitches if they ask for more family time (since he clearly holds you in contempt). I wonder what his father was like? In any case, he’s basically living like he’s single and will make a very bad parenting example to your children.

In your shoes, I would be planning my exit because he clearly doesn’t give a shit.

Ragruggers · 14/11/2021 10:49

Could you stay with your Mum for a few days to give yourself a break would she help you for a while?You sound as if you are afraid of him?You really need to leave him please get help you sound a lovely Mum with a shit partner and useless Dad to 2 beautiful children.Take care

Sundancerintherain · 14/11/2021 10:49

I could go to my mums for a brew but if I do I’ll have it thrown back in my face and when I get back,

Go to your mums, dont go back. He is a selfish arse, they dont change.

CimCardashian · 14/11/2021 10:52

Sounds like he wouldn’t even notice if you weren’t there!

How sad that he doesn’t want to spend time with his wife and kids. Your 5 year old must really be missing out.

Keep posting and start making plans to leave,your life won’t be any harder which is the usual worry when couples split!

Sloth66 · 14/11/2021 10:53

This sounds worse with each new post. It sounds abusive.
You and the DCs deserve so much better than this.

Ragruggers · 14/11/2021 10:56

I now realise that you receive PIP which can give you more help with benefits.Could your Mum help you look for a place to live not easy at the moment I know.I feel you will feel more in control and accept his awful attitude as something you can see a way out of in the future.I hope your health is stable could you ask your HV if there is any help for you with the children to ie Sure Start.Stay strong.

Original poster
cookiemum6 · 14/11/2021 10:56

@Dery His friends seem to be the same too. Especially his best friend who also has a partner and a young baby. I remember some time last year his friend was having trouble with his partner because he was going out a lot and I remember him saying to dp “nobody will tell me what to do” maybe he’s listening to him too much. And every time dp is invited out by his friends they will say to him “or are you not allowed”

OP posts:
lechatnoir · 14/11/2021 10:58

Seriously OP this sounds like the most miserable existence. I would be having a long hard think about what, if anything, this man brings to your life as from where I'm sitting, you'd be a hell of a lot happier & have more free time (assuming he didn't totally shirk parental responsibility) if you split up. Your kids will pick up on the constant bickering and what a shit role model he is and how little respect he has for you & that's so sad.

He's never going to change and pussy-footing around saying 'why do you have to go out today' or 'I need more time' etc will just result in him arguing & justifying his actions - totally pointless and will get you nowhere . I

You don't need his permission to end the relationship, you don't need permission to go out but you do need to take control and take action or you'll be posting the same thing in 5 years time Sad

DukkaDukka · 14/11/2021 10:59

The fact that he uses the ‘but I work’ line shows you how little value he places on anything you do.

You can’t even go to your mums without him punishing you?

mirabelle04 · 14/11/2021 11:00

I would want to give him a snarky comeback, but nobody reacts positively to this even when it's entirely justified.

Maybe come back with another proposition : you both think it's important to get some time to yourself, blow off steam and do something outside of parenting and logistics. That's why you're taking on singing/dancing/hiking/yoga/whatever. He's supportive of that by his own admission isn't he ? Then you could work an arrangement where you each get every other week end. Or you alternate Saturday and Sunday. He doesn't need to give up on any of his hobbies, but he needs to make room for you and his family.

In addition, either of those days could be a family day every other week. Or a date night, which would work on Friday night too, because you guys might also need to get some time together where the kids aren't dropped on one or the other.

Offmyfence · 14/11/2021 11:02

[quote cookiemum6]@Dery His friends seem to be the same too. Especially his best friend who also has a partner and a young baby. I remember some time last year his friend was having trouble with his partner because he was going out a lot and I remember him saying to dp “nobody will tell me what to do” maybe he’s listening to him too much. And every time dp is invited out by his friends they will say to him “or are you not allowed”[/quote]
What a total man child, hopefully your DP will drop him.

lechatnoir · 14/11/2021 11:03

[quote cookiemum6]@Dery His friends seem to be the same too. Especially his best friend who also has a partner and a young baby. I remember some time last year his friend was having trouble with his partner because he was going out a lot and I remember him saying to dp “nobody will tell me what to do” maybe he’s listening to him too much. And every time dp is invited out by his friends they will say to him “or are you not allowed”[/quote]
And he will use his shit friends and their shitty relationships as further justification of his actions and examples of how everyone else does what they want blah blah blah.

He doesn't want to spend time you with or the DC @cookiemum6 that's the key - you can either accept that's how it will always be or do something about it

nopenottodaysatan · 14/11/2021 11:05

Today would be the day i packed his bags. He has zero respect for you or the kids. Now you see him its time to leave him op. He wont change.....but you can.

Holdingontonothing · 14/11/2021 11:18

@mirabelle04

I would want to give him a snarky comeback, but nobody reacts positively to this even when it's entirely justified.

Maybe come back with another proposition : you both think it's important to get some time to yourself, blow off steam and do something outside of parenting and logistics. That's why you're taking on singing/dancing/hiking/yoga/whatever. He's supportive of that by his own admission isn't he ? Then you could work an arrangement where you each get every other week end. Or you alternate Saturday and Sunday. He doesn't need to give up on any of his hobbies, but he needs to make room for you and his family.

In addition, either of those days could be a family day every other week. Or a date night, which would work on Friday night too, because you guys might also need to get some time together where the kids aren't dropped on one or the other.

I think this is a great idea. As I posted way upthread, I do genuinely believe in the importance of both partners having hobbies and activities of their own for their physical and mental wellbeing so use this approach.

Position it you're trying to work with him, not control or limit him and you'll likely get a better outcome. And who knows, by creating better balance of both of you having some time to pursue interests as well as family time together, everything could feel better all round.

I'd certainly not dream if wanting my DH to give up on the things that make him who he is, we just work to strike balance of him, me and family.

DukkaDukka · 14/11/2021 11:20

But he’s not interested. And he’s not reasonable enough to want to work with the OP. Why should she be doing all the ‘trying’? He doesn’t care!

arethereanyleftatall · 14/11/2021 11:26

Go out op. And if he says anything, parrot every single thing he's ever said to you back at him, round and round...
'Nobody will tell me what to do'
'Or am I not allowed?'
'None of my friends partners stop them going out'
Do it verbatim. Exactly as he said it.
He is trying to bully you in to thinking you're not a cool wife, not as good as his friends wives. You're falling for it. All of these men are living the life of Riley, by forcing their wives to have a silent competition with each other for who's the best wife. Rather convenient for them isn't it?

AttaGirrrrl · 14/11/2021 11:54

The problem with “just go out” type responses is that it doesn’t sound like the OP wants to go out - or that she trusts her ‘D’P to look after the kids while she’s gone.

Instead, I’d recommend a proper sit down talk. Say that your arguments this weekend are still bothering you and you’d like a chance to discuss it all calmly. Explain how you feel (isolated, tired, unappreciated, etc) and how unbalanced the relationship feels and see how he responds. Focus on how you feel rather than what he does. If he’s still aggressive/defensive, you have your answer.

FWIW, I was in a similar situation with STBXH about eight years ago, I got similar “just go out” or “book a spa day and leave at 7am” responses, but in real life it’s more complicated than that. It took me another six years to finally kick him out, but the grass really is greener Flowers

loopsaloo · 14/11/2021 12:11

His friends sound like absolute dicks.

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