I want to believe my DP but I have doubts.

[Anon1244]

I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 3 yo DC together (DP is a great Dad) and a wedding booked in the near future. Never until recently have I ever had reason do doubt his fidelity.

My DP went on a stag do a few months ago, not for him but a friend. It was 2 nights in Newcastle, it was booked through a stag do company (this is sort of relevant).

My DP came back from the stag do and told me all about it. One story stood out as weird in my head BUT did not make me feel suspicious at the time. He said that on one of the nights the booking company organised for 2 “bar girls” to take them on a bar crawl around Newcastle. He said at the end of the night he gave the girls £20 tip and so did his friend. However, another man at the party did not give them a tip and so one of the girls threw a drink in his face. For me something did not add up about this story as it seemed there was more to this story. However, I did not say anything at the time.

Then the very day he got home, he started washing all the clothes he took with him. I usually do the washing in the house and I felt this was very odd, as he is very much someone who would usually leave a bag unpacked for weeks. I felt it was odd, and I will admit that I started to feel suspicious in my head. When I commented about the washing and that it was strange, he was quite defensive and asked me if I was suggesting something. In fairness, looking back my tone was accusatory, I could have dealt with it better.

Then shortly after he came back he deleted all social media from his phone. So, whilst his Facebook profile was active, he would not receive any notifications or messages. When I asked him, he said he wanted to take a social media break. In the 5 years I have known him he has never done that, so it was out of character.

I found this suspicious and coupled with the other stuff I had this really overwhelming feeling that something was wrong. So I outright asked him if he cheated on my while he was away. Possibly not the best way to deal with things, I’ll admit. It turned into a massive argument, he was furious that I had accused him. Things have been frosty since.

Then Halloween evening we had carved pumpkins with DC and DP had taken some pictures of them with the candle in. I asked to see the pictures and he said he had sent them to his friend (from stag do) on Whatsapp and would show me. He was scrolling through the pictures on Whatsapp but accidentally went too far and I saw a picture for a split second. It was so quick because he realised what he had done and couldn't get the phone away quick enough, however I saw a few words but couldn't be sure.

I made out I didn't see anything and have carried on as normal. However, last night he left his phone on the side and I looked on the messages between him and his friend and found the image. His friend had sent him a mocked up image of a man wearing a sign saying “I cheated on my girlfriend in Newcastle and this is my punishment.” He had replied with a laughing face emoji. I felt really sick and hurt seeing that, my stomach just dropped.

I asked him to leave last night but I am not sure what to do. I really love this man. His attitude has not been great either. He said I need to calm down and I am overreacting. He said the image is a joke. He hasn't even apologised to me he properly, just a “Sorry if the image has offended you”.

He is making out that I have come to this conclusion out of my own insecurities. Do you think this is the case? The thing is I have never been insecure about my DP being unfaithful to me before. If you asked me 6 months ago if my DP would cheat on my I would have bet my house/car/everything that he would not have.

I just feel like I need someone from the outside to tell me if:

1. I am justified in my suspicions
2. I am being insecure and I am the one causing this rift between us.

OP i'm so sorry to hear you are having such a shit time. It does sound suspicious - don't let him tell you that you are over-reacting.

I worked as one of these ''bar girls'' as a young, single and somewhat naive 20something student years ago and can shed some light on that part, if it helps.

I'd be employed with usually two or three other girls. The groups were usually stags but sometimes birthday parties / lads weekends away and they were almost always visiting a city they didn't know. We would meet them, usually at a sports bar / pool place and take a kitty from them. We'd host drinking games to get them drunk and take silly pictures of them. Part of the job was keeping everybody together as a group / getting them from one bar to the next to the next as a unit.

Depending on what the organiser had booked we would usually take them to a strip club. Usually there was some sort of ''humiliate the stag on a stage'' dance with a stripper from the club. I was, as a young fairly naive student, genuinely shocked at how many of the attached attendees would disappear off with strippers for private dancers. Some would never reappear.

Part of our brief was to get everybody...crucially the stag, back out of the strip club and make sure the group got into another club they could dance the night away.

In my experience, the girls almost never stayed with the group once they'd finished their shift. I did hear stories of this happening but it was definitely not encouraged!

The story of the drink being thrown sounds to me like whoever had the drink tipped on them tried it on with the bar girl or said something inappropriate.

To those asking why girls would do a job like that - i did it because it was easy and flexible around my studies. It felt a bit like a paid night out and it was good money! Most of the girls were intelligent or at least bookish, many training to be lawyers, doctors etc. If anything we laughed at the stupidity of the blokes who couldn't give us their money quickly enough. I wouldn't be doing it now by any means!

I do think it sounds dodgy OP, mainly because he isn't concerned about making you feel better about any of it! It sounds like he's hiding something.

I think you've got to assume he cheated on you (& if so it's probably not the first or last time) and is lying about it. So a cheat & a liar. Can you live with that?

Your turmoil is because you know he's cheated but you understandably don't want to believe it. He'll exploit that to convince you that it's all in you head.

I am so sorry he has put you through this. And I think you’re handling it extremely well.

I too think he has definitely cheated. The meme is the final nail in that coffin.
I’m sorry but if a bloke says to his mates his gf thinks he’s cheated the default reply wouldn’t be a mocked up meme with a sign saying this is your punishment for cheating , unless it’s true. It would more along the lines of ‘oh shit mate, well good luck with that one’

Whatever reason that meme was sent, he laughed at it. All a big joke to him.
So your relationship is belittled regardless.
Best case scenario, he’d rather have a laugh and joke at your expense than actually address how you are feeling.

And then there’s the turning it all back on you.
Your insecurities
How dare you accuse him
Your drama
You’re breaking up the family

No, all of it is on him, not you.
He will deny, deny, deny.
Tell you he loves you, would never hurt you, would never cheat (though would laugh about it it seems).

He isn’t a good father.
A good father doesn’t jeopardise his child’s family and home for a quick shag. Or for a joke with his mates mocking their mother.
Remember that.

He also needs to be showing you the messages he sent his mates saying you think he cheated. But I bet that convo is now deleted.
In fact I’d be asking to see his phone and look at everything.
I bet that meme isn’t the only belittlement of you over the years.

The reason he's given for the picture doesn't make sense.

You didn't ask him if he cheated till after you saw the picture, you asked him why he was washing his clothes but you didn't accuse him of cheating then.

As an aside, I got divorced when my DC were young, and I think they coped far far better than they would have were they older. Also if you marry now, won't the relationship be toxic? that will be far worse living in a house with miserable bickering parents.
Kids adapt, the younger they are the easier they fall into their new routine. And your child will continue to have a relationship with their father (if he steps up), that won't end.

@frazzledasarock

The reason he's given for the picture doesn't make sense.

You didn't ask him if he cheated till after you saw the picture, you asked him why he was washing his clothes but you didn't accuse him of cheating then.

As an aside, I got divorced when my DC were young, and I think they coped far far better than they would have were they older. Also if you marry now, won't the relationship be toxic? that will be far worse living in a house with miserable bickering parents.
Kids adapt, the younger they are the easier they fall into their new routine. And your child will continue to have a relationship with their father (if he steps up), that won't end.

But she did ask him if he had cheated before the meme around the time that he washed clothes/removed notifications " So I outright asked him if he cheated on my while he was away."

The meme came around Halloween.

If my OH accused me of cheating because I washed my clothes I'd tell him to fuck off. If he started crying because I asked him if he had (for whatever reason) I'd assume he had because that's a totally OTT reaction.

I see nothing wrong with him telling his mate that he'd been accused (friends, even men, are allowed to have conversations) and a good many of my friends would have sent the edited meme because the accusation would have been ridiculous

The amount of name calling about the Bar Girls and the attacks on them from other posters is frankly abhorrent. In terms of the tipping - I've always tipped tour guides (which is pretty much what they are - get you into a club/pub more easily, take you to decent pubs when you don't know the area, get you served more quickly)

The one thing that strikes me as a bit odd is the removal of Social Media but that's about it

There seems to be a lot of projection on this thread. Men and women are both quite capable of staying faithful. The OP's OH may or may not have cheated. But that's something that cannot be ascertained from the facts presented

I hope to God the majority of you never sit on a jury

@PostcodeJack

Well that's quite a lot of projection for one reply.

I see nothing wrong with him telling his mate that he'd been accused (friends, even men, are allowed to have conversations) and a good many of my friends would have sent the edited meme because the accusation would have been ridiculous

There was no accusation, OP asked questions for out of character behaviour. The use of your word ridiculous to minimise the OP's suspicious is a bit callous given the situation.

The amount of name calling about the Bar Girls and the attacks on them from other posters is frankly abhorrent. In terms of the tipping - I've always tipped tour guides (which is pretty much what they are - get you into a club/pub more easily, take you to decent pubs when you don't know the area, get you served more quickly)
*
Bar girls are not tour guides they are escorts. Grown men can easily navigate pubs without tour guides. That's not what they are for.*

The one thing that strikes me as a bit odd is the removal of Social Media but that's about it

This is so OP can not see any pictures the 'tour guides' or the event venues would post. The men themselves would have a no post agreement but would be unable to prevent 'tour guides' especially if they were aggrieved and had thrown drinks on members of the party for instance.

There seems to be a lot of projection on this thread. Men and women are both quite capable of staying faithful. The OP's OH may or may not have cheated. But that's something that cannot be ascertained from the facts presented

There seems to be a lot of projection in your post. Nobody is debating the fact the vast majority of people stay faithful. Advice is being offered on the situation as outlined by the OP. The facts presented outline behaviours that are pretty shady. She also actually knows him pretty well and now suspects foul play. Where's your evidence nothing happened?

I hope to God the majority of you never sit on a jury
*
Ditto - your comments in opposition the the vast majority don't help the OP or her OH.

For the record my STBEX has been to many stag parties including his own. He always maintained nothing happened and now many years later has admitted to private lap dances (when I was pregnant with our first DC) and other times, live sex shows, visiting brothels. This is the sanitised version so god knows what he actually did. If I had known this years ago I would not have wasted years of my life with this man. I blindly trusted him because I loved him and FB and smart phones didn't exhaust then. His friends have covered for him, and him them for years. Quote stollen from another thread 'deny till you die'. I know this as fact because he admitted it during a drunken rant and he claimed it's not cheating. Doesn't fucking matter if I'd know I would have been gone. Our entire marriage has been a lie. Minimise that if you like?*

As someone who works in a very male dominated environment , and seen as one of ' the lads '.
More than 50% of men there are happy to share they will happily pay for sex ( marital status not considered )

@Sidehustle99
Honestly not sure how I was projecting. I just don't see that the majority of what has happened is necessarily shady. It could well be. I just don't buy into the "fact" that his behaviour is evidence that he has cheated

And Bar Girls are not automatically, merely by virtue of their job, escorts in the way that you are implying

[quote PostcodeJack]@Sidehustle99
Honestly not sure how I was projecting. I just don't see that the majority of what has happened is necessarily shady. It could well be. I just don't buy into the "fact" that his behaviour is evidence that he has cheated

And Bar Girls are not automatically, merely by virtue of their job, escorts in the way that you are implying[/quote]
Girls who work in bars are bar girls.

Girls who escort men to multiple venues and clubs are escorts.

Not a hard one to work out that.

@Sidehustle99

You know full well the implication of "escorts" on this thread. I don't see them as any different to the tour reps who take you to bars on a foreign package holiday (although that may have changed since my day). Or a tour guide who helps you jump the queues

I just don't see how the OP's OH's behaviour proves that he has cheated which is what a lot of posters are saying. It really doesn't.

I'm not saying some of it doesn't warrant further conversation but the baying that he's obviously shagged someone else and is mocking her just seems a little OTT

@PostcodeJack

You are assuming by 'Escort' I mean 'Sex worker'. I don't if I meant 'Sex Worker' I would have said that. Although some bar girls and escorts do sex work.

The OP will make her own mind up what has happened. She knows her DH better than anyone. The rest is just opinion as requested by OP.

@Sidehustle99

Thank you for the clarification. And apologies if I misinterpreted what you were saying. There have been a number of posts implying that just because these girls/women do what they do for a living it equates to them being sex workers. And I apologise if I conflated your post with those.

I still don't think that the OH's behaviour means that he cheated (although I do still think there should be further conversation) but I just gave my view that it doesn't automatically "prove" that he has been unfaithful

@NotExactlyOptimisticn - I do hope that you're doing ok

@Jennalong

As someone who works in a very male dominated environment , and seen as one of ' the lads '. More than 50% of men there are happy to share they will happily pay for sex ( marital status not considered )

I can believe that. Sad individuals.

Sorry to drag this back to the OP, but could OH show you the conversation with his lovely friend that led up to the meme? Or even messages between the lads on the stag do? That would address your cheating concerns very easily.

@beastlyslumber @youvegottenminuteslynn

That poster is one of the increasing male misogynists who post their hate on here, always on threads like this, always telling women to STFU and put up with it. This thread seems to be crawling with them.
Some of them are truly worrying with their hate for women.

What's going on with MN where a woman can't post on the Relationships board about something like this without being told to suck it up when it appears her husband is a lying, gas-lighting cheat.

OP have a hug. You absolutely can have a wonderful life without this liar. You deserve so much more than the way he and his vile friends are treating you and their partners also. He won't change. He can still be a good dad to his DC in his own time and you can sleep peacefully knowing you aren't shackled to a sad man-child like him.

What's going on with MN where a woman can't post on the Relationships board about something like this without being told to suck it up when it appears her husband is a lying, gas-lighting cheat.

Yeah, they always seem to crawl out onto these threads - more and more these days. Sad incel losers.

of course your child will be fine they adapt pretty quickyl at that age

what exactly is he agreeing to counselling for if he feels hes done nothing wrong -that screams guilt to me

the removing sm is dodgy af there was no need unless hes hiding somehting

@Anon1244

OP did you manage to resolve your issues? Would be good to know you are ok now. You sounded quite defeated on your last update