I want to believe my DP but I have doubts.

[Anon1244]

I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 3 yo DC together (DP is a great Dad) and a wedding booked in the near future. Never until recently have I ever had reason do doubt his fidelity.

My DP went on a stag do a few months ago, not for him but a friend. It was 2 nights in Newcastle, it was booked through a stag do company (this is sort of relevant).

My DP came back from the stag do and told me all about it. One story stood out as weird in my head BUT did not make me feel suspicious at the time. He said that on one of the nights the booking company organised for 2 “bar girls” to take them on a bar crawl around Newcastle. He said at the end of the night he gave the girls £20 tip and so did his friend. However, another man at the party did not give them a tip and so one of the girls threw a drink in his face. For me something did not add up about this story as it seemed there was more to this story. However, I did not say anything at the time.

Then the very day he got home, he started washing all the clothes he took with him. I usually do the washing in the house and I felt this was very odd, as he is very much someone who would usually leave a bag unpacked for weeks. I felt it was odd, and I will admit that I started to feel suspicious in my head. When I commented about the washing and that it was strange, he was quite defensive and asked me if I was suggesting something. In fairness, looking back my tone was accusatory, I could have dealt with it better.

Then shortly after he came back he deleted all social media from his phone. So, whilst his Facebook profile was active, he would not receive any notifications or messages. When I asked him, he said he wanted to take a social media break. In the 5 years I have known him he has never done that, so it was out of character.

I found this suspicious and coupled with the other stuff I had this really overwhelming feeling that something was wrong. So I outright asked him if he cheated on my while he was away. Possibly not the best way to deal with things, I’ll admit. It turned into a massive argument, he was furious that I had accused him. Things have been frosty since.

Then Halloween evening we had carved pumpkins with DC and DP had taken some pictures of them with the candle in. I asked to see the pictures and he said he had sent them to his friend (from stag do) on Whatsapp and would show me. He was scrolling through the pictures on Whatsapp but accidentally went too far and I saw a picture for a split second. It was so quick because he realised what he had done and couldn't get the phone away quick enough, however I saw a few words but couldn't be sure.

I made out I didn't see anything and have carried on as normal. However, last night he left his phone on the side and I looked on the messages between him and his friend and found the image. His friend had sent him a mocked up image of a man wearing a sign saying “I cheated on my girlfriend in Newcastle and this is my punishment.” He had replied with a laughing face emoji. I felt really sick and hurt seeing that, my stomach just dropped.

I asked him to leave last night but I am not sure what to do. I really love this man. His attitude has not been great either. He said I need to calm down and I am overreacting. He said the image is a joke. He hasn't even apologised to me he properly, just a “Sorry if the image has offended you”.

He is making out that I have come to this conclusion out of my own insecurities. Do you think this is the case? The thing is I have never been insecure about my DP being unfaithful to me before. If you asked me 6 months ago if my DP would cheat on my I would have bet my house/car/everything that he would not have.

I just feel like I need someone from the outside to tell me if:

1. I am justified in my suspicions
2. I am being insecure and I am the one causing this rift between us.

@Anon1244

I cant sleep.

My heart breaks for my 3yo, who will be absolutely devastated that their Dad isn't around as much. They are inseparable, DP may be a shitty partner but he is an attentive and loving father.

I feel selfish for not wanting to continue being in this relationship because it means my child is going to have the little world they know turned upside down. Do young children really cope better than older ones?

I’m scared, not because of having to support myself and DC, but having to start my life over. All the plans we made together, I only ever planned to have my DC due to my job, getting married, saving up while so we could move before DC started school. I feel like he has shit all over that, why plan a life with me to throw it away over something as stupid as this.

Ultimately, I know I need to leave because I will never trust him again. But it is a fucking scary thought and something that has been sprung on me.

Your 3 yo will be fine though.

What you don't want is her growing up thinking that this kind of man is acceptable. You keep saying he's a great dad .... he's not. He's shit. He cheated on her mother and then joked about it with his mate. Is that the kind of man you want her to end up with when she's older?
Be strong, leave this pig before he ruins you. If you stay he'll be sending 'phew that was a close call' memes to his mates so they can all 'lol' at what a lad he is for putting his genitals in someone he wasn't supposed to. Grim. He gets to walk round feeling a stud while you're being eaten away at, paranoid about every text he gets, every time he leaves the house.
It's no life, trust the women who've been there. Get rid of him now, your daughter will thank you in the future.

For me the fact they booked escorts would have been the end of it. Two of them felt duty bound to tip them Eeewwww

It doesn't matter what he says now you will never trust him again. He's been dishonest and he's gaslighted you for your reaction to HIS behaviour.

@JSL52

What part is a lie? I doubt this bar girl was trafficked into it.

@EarringsandLipstick

Clutch pearls much? What part of what I wrote is wrong? Did he abduct or traffic the girl? No. So obviously she chose her job just like he choose to pay her for doing it. They are both responsible, she’s not his victim or whatever you want to think.

It’s very typical cheating behaviour to throw it back on the partner when they become suspicious and make it all their fault. It’s a deflection tactic. It looks like he’s definitely cheated.

Good dads don’t cheat on their children’s mother. Good dads don’t risk blowing the family apart.

[quote Megalameg]@EarringsandLipstick

Clutch pearls much? What part of what I wrote is wrong? Did he abduct or traffic the girl? No. So obviously she chose her job just like he choose to pay her for doing it. They are both responsible, she’s not his victim or whatever you want to think.[/quote]
How brainless is this post. If the OP's husband didn't traffic the sex workers himself, then that means no one else could've, and they must've participated willingly?

Are you for fucking real?

@Whatdirection

Think very carefully about what you know. You know more than you think.

Your gut reacted to his ‘story’ about the bar girl and the tip.It didn’t add up.

He washed his clothes and deleted social media - totally out of character - to me this indicates hiding something. So he is not being honest.

When you asked him about this, he got you on the back foot by flipping your question back on you. You felt bad as you felt your tone was accusatory. So instead of him being honest - you get to doubt yourself.
This is not a healthy way to try and solve issues and you now know this is a tactic he will try when in a tight corner.

You asked him straight out - you had every right to. He turns it into a massive argument. Again making out you are the problem. This is nasty. Do you want this in your relationship?

Then we have the mocked up picture. Horrible. The fact he laughed at the picture is indefensible. He has rubbished your pain, your fear, your quite justified reaction to his out of character behavior.

Now he is beginning to see that he is in trouble. Unfortunately it is highly unlikely he will come clean or you will get a sanitized version of the truth.

My point is that just by looking at what you already know, he has revealed an extremely unpleasant, nasty side to him. A good husband will have the emotional understanding to ‘get’ that you had very good reason to be suspicious and would have moved heaven and earth to have reassured you.

Instead he flipped it round on you and tried to make out you were in the wrong.

I know what it is like to have the rug pulled out from under your feet. Unfortunately l never knew my husband was cheating on me on a series of drunken nights out (including a stag do). He decided to confess after 25 years of marriage as the guilt was too much for him to bear and he thought he had been a good husband all these years and l would forgive him.

I couldn’t get past the betrayal but unbelievably because l called time on our marriage he became the victim and managed to get a lot of people to feel sorry fo him. Incredible.

I believed for a long time he had always been a good Dad. But now l know that he let our boys down massively every time he went out, got drunk and lost control. He put their stability and happy home on the line every single time he did that.

Your partner has played Russian roulette with his relationship with you and your child by his behavior. This is all on him. You have done nothing wrong.

I get how scary it is to fully face the reality of your life now you have experienced this behavior from him. You don’t have to rush to make a decision. It is good he is out of the house - you need the thinking time and space to clear your head. Don’t be pressurized into letting him back.

The second he starts to make himself out to be a victim, l think you have your answer.

Xx

This is a wonderful post .

[quote Megalameg]@EarringsandLipstick

Clutch pearls much? What part of what I wrote is wrong? Did he abduct or traffic the girl? No. So obviously she chose her job just like he choose to pay her for doing it. They are both responsible, she’s not his victim or whatever you want to think.[/quote]
You've no way of knowing this woman's situation. Even if she's not a "victim" that doesn't make her a "slag". Your posts are women-hating and vile.

I’m not surprised you couldn’t sleep. I’d have £20 on him being guilty as sin but you can’t prove it without a confession or his mates telling you and neither of those things will be happening. You feel duty bound to stay because you have a child with him and they know that.

He knows all he’s got to do is deny & he’s got away with it. There will be more stag-do’s though.

One of dhs colleagues had at least three weekends away with his ow under the guise of stag-do’s.

When you asked him straight out if he had cheated on you, his reaction should have been to be absolutely horrified that you thought he did. If he was innocent he should have said that you could ask his friends, look at his social media, his phone or encouraged you to do ANYTHING you wanted to find out the truth that he did not cheat on you. Because he loves you and you are getting married. But instead, his reaction was the opposite and he even jokes about it with friends. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal to cheat on a stag night, neither does his friends. I’d tell the friend’s wife.

I'm totally with @nocnoc on this one. Get angry and get rid!

Regardless of what you eventually decide to do it’s very important to book an sti check.

Whatever you decide I wish you well. I don’t think you want to act on this and I agree it isn’t conclusive, he also knows this and is hoping it will blow over.
You probably will never know and that’s ok to.

If you can live with not knowing 100% either way then you can have a chance of a life with him. For me the lack of transparency left me with a constant niggle in my gut. Other little things took on much more significance and it eroded my love and respect for him over time. Trust is so easy to break but takes a lifetime to build.

It's the lying that would be the main issue for me. I could forgive a drunken mistake that was immediately confessed with clear remorse, but all these lies and cover ups would destroy my trust in him. Your relationship is over.

I think the important thing here is you stop calling yourself selfish, he’s the selfish one who went off and cheated while you were at home with his child totally trusting him because you believed he was a good man. Please stop putting yourself down and blaming yourself, that’s the feeling I’m getting.
You deserve so much more, keep reminding yourself of this.

@Megalameg

I think you should see someone about how much you hate women. It's really not normal and it's clear in almost everything you post on here.

@Anon1244

I cant sleep.

My heart breaks for my 3yo, who will be absolutely devastated that their Dad isn't around as much. They are inseparable, DP may be a shitty partner but he is an attentive and loving father.

I feel selfish for not wanting to continue being in this relationship because it means my child is going to have the little world they know turned upside down. Do young children really cope better than older ones?

I’m scared, not because of having to support myself and DC, but having to start my life over. All the plans we made together, I only ever planned to have my DC due to my job, getting married, saving up while so we could move before DC started school. I feel like he has shit all over that, why plan a life with me to throw it away over something as stupid as this.

Ultimately, I know I need to leave because I will never trust him again. But it is a fucking scary thought and something that has been sprung on me.

Of course it is not what most people will pick, but your child will adjust as millions of other children have in the past and will in the future. I think you are doing her far more of a service by walking away rather than turning a blind eye to his cheating. Imagine her growing up thinking that men can do what they like and women have to put up in silence.

And cheating it surely is, the explanation for the picture makes no sense timing wise, you didn’t mention cheating until you had seen the picture as far as I can tell. Don’t bother with the counselling, unless his cheating is something you want to learn to live with.

You do know that you don't HAVE to separate don't you ? Just because a bunch of people on MN make it sound a non-negotiable outcome.

I definitely think he has cheated btw. So assume he has and go from there.

Your other option is to forgive. It's just as valid as leaving. If you do make it clear that this is his one and only chance. Expect him to not go to anymore stags as obviously not able to control himself. He needs to xpect to be questioned until he earns back your trust.

This is your real life. No one on here knows anything about your life and the situation you will be in if you separate - the practicalities of a real life unlike a scenario played out on these boards. Where real life parents and kids feelings don't come in to it. So easy to say 'leave' but from the little I have read in your OP , you are an unmarried woman with a child , so I am betting he is the higher earner. As you are unmarried your only financial 'right' is child maintenance. and any part of a house that you have your name on. How would that work with you on your own with DC ?

Let me be very clear- I am NOT saying don't leave, I am saying you do have an equally valid choices to stay.

@Finknottlesnewt the thing is, she can't forgive him when he's refusing to tell her the truth.

Neither of them should live a half life with no trust or respect.

My point girlmom21 is that actually she can ! She can choose to leave it be, accept it may of happened but actually will never know and continue with her life.

I am not saying she should do this. I am just saying she could do this. Sometimes these infidelity posts get so strident with little regard for the OPs particular circumstances. Giving lie to the very wrong impression that life as a single parent is some kind of sunlit upland. The reality is very very different. Sometimes.

It is all relative to where you have come from.

There is also the very annoying habit on here of 'telling' the OP she is making a mistake. In such harsh tones as to imply that ANYONE who chooses to stay with someone who has put his penis in another woman - is in some way weak. Personally I think leaving is the easier option.

There is no right or wrong. I just want to stand up for the OPs right to choose which option is better for her (when she has had time to work out what the reality of both options look like - (benefits/ work . home, childcare, partners attitude and compliance ) and to accept that that decision is as valid as any other. Whichever it is. But make that decision based on facts .. not from information on here or your brothers , wife's, sisters friends uncle.

Get on to the CAB if possible. (V busy) go to the turn2us website calculator and see if there is any financial help available. Get facts and then make your best decision for you and your child.

Finknottlesnewt I just want to say agree with your post

She can choose to leave it be, accept it may of happened but actually will never know and continue with her life.

The problem is, trying to do that can eat away at you - you're full of good intentions and it seems doable because you love him so much, but it pops into your mind and it nags away. And maybe you have a few drinks and it all spills out again, and you fight over it - or maybe he upsets you or does something that sparks the same fears - and you're right back where you started.

It's the cognitive dissonance of not knowing for sure, of trying to believe a story that doesn't add up over your own common sense.

Plus a guy who gets away with crossing those lines can lose respect for his partner for swallowing his fabrications and become complacent that whatever he does, whatever he says, she'll stick it out.

I think it's possible for a relationship to work after infidelity if both parties are honest and open and really work on fixing things - but one where there's a major dishonesty in the middle of it, well, it's cancerous.

I think that accepting, forgiving, and moving on are completely possible IF that's something you're capable of. I wouldn't be. Being completely honest, I would never be able to trust this person again. The fact that he could do that and lie about it and try to make me think I was the crazy one/the one in the wrong - I wouldn't be able to forget that. I wouldn't ever be able to trust him again.

I do agree that people are different, and yes it is possible for a relationship to survive this - but it's not just on OP to decide that. If her partner wants to hold on to the relationship, he will have to be the one who finds some radical, life-changing honesty. He'd need to get rid of his friends and make some major changes. The marriage would definitely be off and no new date set for a very long time, until the trust is rebuilt. If he's prepared to do all that, and OP can see herself forgiving him in time, then that's all to the good.

The third option is to just forget it and get on with life, because money and kids and all that. Marriage doesn't have to be perfect; everyone makes compromises. But to sacrifice basic trust in your partner, to give up on the idea of faithfulness and intimacy - that would be a miserable existence for most people, I think.

I think thank your lucky stars you are not married to a cheat,you have a great chance now to run for the hills as he will cheat again and maybe not for 10 years and by that time you will likely have more children .I feel sorry for the other woman,have they got married yet