Page 8 | Haven’t heard from date

Raspberryvanilla1 · 2021-11-12T11:36:35+00:00

Meant to be going on a (fourth) date tomorrow, haven’t heard from him since 4pm yesterday afternoon. First three dates went really well - we both enjoyed each other’s company, and he was really keen for us to meet up again. I know it’s only 11.30am now but he has almost always messaged in the evening/morning so far, feel a bit deflated. [sad] am I overreacting to think he has probably lost interest? Tia [flowers]

CecilieRose · 13/11/2021 12:20

@ButYouGottaHaveASkillJeff

This is the entire problem in this scenario - OP was hoping for more and thought they were working towards a relationship, the man just wanted a bit of sex and to move on. That's entirely what has created OP's problem and made her feel sad. But yeah, let's pretend it's all about you.

That's what YOU have taken from the OP's (10) posts, as it suits your narrative. No one knows why he's not been in touch, could be anything. You've just deduced he's just wanted a bit of sex and now he's off as all men are like that with girls who put out early. Which is ridiculous.

Yes, yes, obviously he's been hit by a bus or fallen down a well. Way more likely. And of course that's also happened to the many, many men posted about here on MN who do the exact same thing.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/11/2021 12:21

Except they're not, because they're arguing against points I'm not making, but I am rather tired of trying to explain. Plenty of other posters seem to understand just fine.

You're applying the meanings of 'understanding' and 'agreeing' interchangeably when they aren't interchangeable.

I (like others) understand you but I don't agree with you.

Other people understand you but do agree with you.

Didimum · 13/11/2021 12:35

@CecilieRose Mate, THEY UNDERSTAND YOU. Your argument isn’t that sophisticated.

CecilieRose · 13/11/2021 12:39

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Except they're not, because they're arguing against points I'm not making, but I am rather tired of trying to explain. Plenty of other posters seem to understand just fine.

You're applying the meanings of 'understanding' and 'agreeing' interchangeably when they aren't interchangeable.

I (like others) understand you but I don't agree with you.

Other people understand you but do agree with you.

You don't understand, and that's been pointed out by another poster, but think whatever you want.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/11/2021 12:45

@CecilieRose

Your argument isn't as complex as you think. I understand. I disagree with you. And thank you for your blessing when it comes to me thinking what I want. I've been ever so worried about getting your approval - what a relief!

Alcemeg · 13/11/2021 12:48

@CeciliaRose talks sense! Doesn't sound like misogyny to me, sounds like common sense. It serves us well not to be blinded by ideology.

lovingnewme · 13/11/2021 13:16

I'm speaking very generally, and this is just a view or observation that I am making, please read it as that.....

The point has been made that 20 years ago (when I was early 20s) guys seemed to chase and try and woo/impress women they wanted to seduce.
It did feel as though women through their youth and beauty held something over men and held power over them (the only way women had power over men)

Now it like OLD or maybe just sexual 'liberation' / ladette culture/porn etc has removed that pursuing and young women particularly are viewed very very disposable sexually.
I have watched shows like Love Island, TOWIE, Made in Chelsea etc. and that shift seems to have happened in 'real life' too. It never seems the guys are concerned over winning the object of their affection over - more that the women who are very young and attractive are always weeping over how shitterly the guys are treating them, and how the women don't feel important to the guys.

School girls and older women regularly send nudes to guys that ask, guys that they are in steady trusting relationships in girls performing sex acts on guys before they have even been kissed etc etc. Those things only happened to very very vulnerable girls/women when I was younger.

I don't actually hang out with real life 20 year olds anymore - but it does seem that there has been a big shift in that the guys are the ones being pursued these days, and they are the ones who have gained more power in this area of life in the last 20 years.

I don't judge girls and women who are part of this cultural shift, but it does concern me that their needs are not being met by this new cultural norm.

DottyHarmer · 13/11/2021 13:24

I don’t understand why people get so hot under the collar about “ghosting”. It’s obvious that if someone is not returning calls/texts then it’s goodbye !

Few are really brave enough to send a text, or worse, phone, and say, “Mary, I don’t think this is working out, so….” It is slightly arrogant and also opens the door to Mary being angry/pleading her case. If you are going to duck out of things, better to say you’re too busy with work/planning to emigrate than making some implied criticism of the other person.

If you’ve been going out for two years and the person disappears off the face of the earth, then it’s reasonable to be a bit cheesed off, but if someone doesn’t call after two dates. Well, c’est la vie. Disappointing, but hardly “disgusting” .

CecilieRose · 13/11/2021 13:33

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@CecilieRose

Your argument isn't as complex as you think. I understand. I disagree with you. And thank you for your blessing when it comes to me thinking what I want. I've been ever so worried about getting your approval - what a relief![/quote]
"Think whatever you want" is a polite way of saying "I don't care what you think because you're a bit of an idiot and I'm tired of explaining." Nothing to do with approval.

Just FYI.

CecilieRose · 13/11/2021 13:36

@lovingnewme

I'm speaking very generally, and this is just a view or observation that I am making, please read it as that.....

The point has been made that 20 years ago (when I was early 20s) guys seemed to chase and try and woo/impress women they wanted to seduce.
It did feel as though women through their youth and beauty held something over men and held power over them (the only way women had power over men)

Now it like OLD or maybe just sexual 'liberation' / ladette culture/porn etc has removed that pursuing and young women particularly are viewed very very disposable sexually.
I have watched shows like Love Island, TOWIE, Made in Chelsea etc. and that shift seems to have happened in 'real life' too. It never seems the guys are concerned over winning the object of their affection over - more that the women who are very young and attractive are always weeping over how shitterly the guys are treating them, and how the women don't feel important to the guys.

School girls and older women regularly send nudes to guys that ask, guys that they are in steady trusting relationships in girls performing sex acts on guys before they have even been kissed etc etc. Those things only happened to very very vulnerable girls/women when I was younger.

I don't actually hang out with real life 20 year olds anymore - but it does seem that there has been a big shift in that the guys are the ones being pursued these days, and they are the ones who have gained more power in this area of life in the last 20 years.

I don't judge girls and women who are part of this cultural shift, but it does concern me that their needs are not being met by this new cultural norm.

100% this.

I was appalled when I ventured onto the apps a few years back at how men would just feel entitled to ask for nudes, from someone they'd never met. Just a total lack of respect and treating women like objects. And why do they feel like it's OK to ask for that? Because there's a steady stream of women happy to provide it. And then those same women weep over how horrible men are and ask why they're so disposable to men.

You couldn't make it up.

CecilieRose · 13/11/2021 13:39

@DottyHarmer

I don’t understand why people get so hot under the collar about “ghosting”. It’s obvious that if someone is not returning calls/texts then it’s goodbye !

Few are really brave enough to send a text, or worse, phone, and say, “Mary, I don’t think this is working out, so….” It is slightly arrogant and also opens the door to Mary being angry/pleading her case. If you are going to duck out of things, better to say you’re too busy with work/planning to emigrate than making some implied criticism of the other person.

If you’ve been going out for two years and the person disappears off the face of the earth, then it’s reasonable to be a bit cheesed off, but if someone doesn’t call after two dates. Well, c’est la vie. Disappointing, but hardly “disgusting” .

Exactly. And in fact, women are often advised to just 'ghost' or 'block and delete' if they're not interested in seeing a man again, because it avoids possible confrontation and aggression.

It is rude to not reply to someone when you've already made a plan with them, but the silence is a 'not interested', really, isn't it? How many people honestly want to hear the truth? "You're not very good in bed" or "I've been shagging someone else and prefer her" or "I don't actually want a relationship - just said that to get you into bed lol".

Someone you've been on 2 or 3 dates with is essentially a stranger, and should be treated and thought of as such.

DirtyDancing · 13/11/2021 13:42

Wow some people really like to jump right in there, derail threads with their own megaphone and irrelevant views. This isn't about any of you, it's not a debate OP asked for.

Sorry to hear OP. You don't need to justify any of it and if you don't hear back, chin up, least you found out early on what he is like. Hope you find a good one x

Ema52 · 13/11/2021 14:02

The ego on this thread is
The OP wanted advice and people have over run it.
I hope everything turns out OK OP please come back and let us (those who are interested) know.

lovingnewme · 13/11/2021 14:49

Yes the thread has been de-railed.

But I think that the op has had her question answered by lots of posters.

Threads do tend to get detailed/developed if they go on long enough - otherwise it's just usually lots of posts of exactly the same thing. Usually the most obvious answer is the correct one.

If he used to text fairly regularly and suddenly contact has dropped then there is usually only 3 answers

Yes, it does seem you've been dropped
He has lost/broken his phone
Something dramatic has happened in his life, eg an accident/relative become ill etc

Based on reading these relationship boards for several years, it is likely to have been 1, likely but that doesn't mean the other things don't happen (or a number of other explanations).

Sorry op, if it is 1 (sorry for him if it's 2 or 3) it's shit and it happens, but he's no loss I would imagine.

MrsJackWhicher · 14/11/2021 08:12

[quote JollyJoon]@AlbertBridge
A man who offered me food in exchange for sex would basically be my dream man[/quote]

MrsJackWhicher · 14/11/2021 08:24

It is rude to not reply to someone when you've already made a plan with them, but the silence is a 'not interested', really, isn't it? How many people honestly want to hear the truth? "You're not very good in bed" or "I've been shagging someone else and prefer her" or "I don't actually want a relationship - just said that to get you into bed lol".Someone you've been on 2 or 3 dates with is essentially a stranger, and should be treated and thought of as such.
Well said.
Ihave been seeing someone for about 4months and only last night was he brave enough to introduce me as his girlfriend. He said he had been nervous but needed to know if we were ‘official’ and didn’t dare actually broach it because it is an awkward thing to ask, hence using a third party as a useful indicator - and since I didn’t object he was relieved to take it’s siding that that we actually were.

megan1922 · 14/11/2021 08:36

I hope you are ok op and have heard from him x

weekendfuntime · 14/11/2021 08:39

@MrsJackWhicher - yes someone you have had just a few dates with can seem like a stranger.

However, rather than ghost I think it is better to text something along the lines of "I've enjoyed our dates but I just don't see this going anywhere. All the best".

weekendfuntime · 14/11/2021 08:44

Yes, OP - do let us know if you are OK and if you have heard from him

CecilieRose · 14/11/2021 11:30

[quote weekendfuntime]@MrsJackWhicher - yes someone you have had just a few dates with can seem like a stranger.

However, rather than ghost I think it is better to text something along the lines of "I've enjoyed our dates but I just don't see this going anywhere. All the best".
[/quote]
That can be seen as patronising and invites an angry "F you, I didn't want a relationship with you anyway' sort of response. Especially if it's a woman saying it to a man, but also the other way around. 'Ghosting' can often be a safer option than rejecting someone outright.

Although I would not leave someone hanging if we'd made a plan for a specific time at a specific place - I'd definitely say it wasn't happening.

weekendfuntime · 14/11/2021 11:38

Patronising or not it is, in my opinion, better than ghosting. I've been on the receiving end of being ghosting and you do tend to wonder what happened!

Lookingoutside · 14/11/2021 11:46

‘I'm not reminiscing. I'm also not the one posting about being deflated about being pumped and dumped, am I?’

Nasty.

RantyAunty · 14/11/2021 11:58

[quote JollyJoon]@AlbertBridge
A man who offered me food in exchange for sex would basically be my dream man[/quote]
It would!

A gorgeous meal to just sit down and enjoy.
He is dressed smartly and so clean, good smelling.
He brings out his classical guitar and plays beautifully.
One can dream!

CecilieRose · 14/11/2021 12:34

@Lookingoutside

‘I'm not reminiscing. I'm also not the one posting about being deflated about being pumped and dumped, am I?’

Nasty.

But true.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/11/2021 21:19

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