Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Haven’t heard from date

209 replies

Raspberryvanilla1 · 12/11/2021 11:36

Meant to be going on a (fourth) date tomorrow, haven’t heard from him since 4pm yesterday afternoon. First three dates went really well - we both enjoyed each other’s company, and he was really keen for us to meet up again.

I know it’s only 11.30am now but he has almost always messaged in the evening/morning so far, feel a bit deflated. Sad am I overreacting to think he has probably lost interest?

Tia Flowers

OP posts:
CommonRoom · 12/11/2021 17:00

@cecilieRose

I had sex with someone I met in a bar just a couple of hours before. We have now been together for 32 years, married for 27 and have two DCs.

The reason DH did not ghost me was that he liked me and wanted to have a relationship with me. That's the only factor at play here. If someone isn't interested then they will ghost you, if they are interested then they'll get in touch. Nothing to do with whether you have had sex on the first, second, third date or not.

Lockheart · 12/11/2021 17:01

Could we not turn the OPs thread into an argument about how quickly it's ok to sleep with someone? I don't think it will be helping her.

supercali77 · 12/11/2021 17:04

I guess for me i can see some of what camille is saying about the culture of the apps and how we meet now and how responsibility and care is easily abdicated through this format. I wouldnt proscribe an answer for 'all women' or say its simple.

CecilieRose · 12/11/2021 17:05

[quote supercali77]@CecilieRose I agree, personally, that sleeping with men early along with the complications of women's cocktail of bonding hormones can be a recipe for upset. People think in theory they like casual dating (sex without a defined relationship) but noone likes to be treated casually. The idea that intimacy is 'casual' is a nonsense. It can leave a person humiliated and vulnerable. I also agree that the apps have introduced this casual sex culture (whoever cares least wins) and its overall a destructive force on deeper and longer connections. What I dont agree with is the 'well what do you expect' tone. Actually, social norms mean we expect a reply to a text after someone put their penis in us. I dont think anyone on here has suggested that casual sex means you should expect an entire relationship out of it. A simple reply, or even just the basic decency of saying. Look im not interested in pursuing further. In a lot of ways the apps have facilitated the ability to be a cretin in that regard. We no longer meet one another through a variety of social connections that would naturally frown on being ... basically a bit of an arse really.[/quote]
Why would you expect a reply to a text after a man put his penis in you, though? Why? It's either casual or it isn't. You don't get to have it both ways. Sex can't simultaneously be so casual that you're happy to do it with someone you've just met off an app, and then so intimate that someone is awful for ghosting you after it.

JollyJoon · 12/11/2021 17:06

@Lockheart
👏

TurnUpTurnip · 12/11/2021 17:07

I actually think the people saying they slept with someone 20/30 years ago on the first night and now are married aren’t going to help as things are very very different now with dating apps and how easy it is to get sex so it’s not really comparable to 20/30 years ago, dating is very different now

CecilieRose · 12/11/2021 17:08

[quote CommonRoom]@cecilieRose

I had sex with someone I met in a bar just a couple of hours before. We have now been together for 32 years, married for 27 and have two DCs.

The reason DH did not ghost me was that he liked me and wanted to have a relationship with me. That's the only factor at play here. If someone isn't interested then they will ghost you, if they are interested then they'll get in touch. Nothing to do with whether you have had sex on the first, second, third date or not.[/quote]
And 32 years ago, he couldn't have swiped on Tinder the following morning and had an array of other women who'd sleep with him right after meeting.

I'm not saying nobody ever had a relationship that started as a ONS. I'm saying the entire dating culture is now in favour of men, as evidenced by the women posting here wringing their hands about why someone they've slept with isn't even bothering to text back. Men have successfully made women think they have control when they don't. Simple as.

butterpuffed · 12/11/2021 17:09

@Lockheart

Could we not turn the OPs thread into an argument about how quickly it's ok to sleep with someone? I don't think it will be helping her.
I agree , some have derailed the thread, very unfair on OP.
anon12345anon · 12/11/2021 17:10

[quote CommonRoom]@cecilieRose

I had sex with someone I met in a bar just a couple of hours before. We have now been together for 32 years, married for 27 and have two DCs.

The reason DH did not ghost me was that he liked me and wanted to have a relationship with me. That's the only factor at play here. If someone isn't interested then they will ghost you, if they are interested then they'll get in touch. Nothing to do with whether you have had sex on the first, second, third date or not.[/quote]
Yes yes yes!!
☝️This for sure ......
So pleased I'm not the only one who thinks this ...

If he's a twat, he's a twat 😔

Flowers for you x

CommonRoom · 12/11/2021 17:11

One thing will never change. If you like someone and want to have a relationship with them then you get in touch with them. No man ever thinks, well, I really like her but I won't get in touch with her because we had sex on the first date.

CecilieRose · 12/11/2021 17:11

@butterpuffed how is it derailing to point out a likely scenario? Nobody knows what's happened to the man. Maybe he got hit by a bus. More likely he's lost interest and moved on, for the reasons being discussed.

Original poster
Raspberryvanilla1 · 12/11/2021 17:13

My post has got a bit derailed by the debate on when it’s acceptable to have sex when seeing someone - I have no interest in justifying why I slept with him when I did, I felt comfortable enough to do so, and we both enjoyed it. My feelings around not hearing back from him mid conversation weren’t based on some kind of sexual transaction where he now must reply because his penis has been inside me Confused, but it was a change from our normal conversation style and I wasnt entirely sure if I was over reacting to just leave things there.

I’ve been ghosted before by a long term partner, who I knew for quite some time before sleeping with them, similarly I have slept with someone I’ve been dating and at some point afterwards realised that we aren’t a good match and I don’t want to see them anymore. It doesn’t mean that I’ve somehow devalued them - anyone can end a dating situation or relationship for any reason that they want to; the issue is a lack of communication around it, it’s not particularly nice to experience. I am bisexual and tend to find that men can be shitty with ending things/shit communication in general, regardless if I have slept with them or not - I haven’t had the same issue when dating women. And FWIW if he is one of these men who simply lose interest after sex, that isn’t the sort of person I want a relationship with anyway, so no loss. As another poster said, if it’s just a game of sleeping with as many people as possible, the same scenario would repeat even if I’d gone on another few dates. I don’t particularly see the relevance.

As it goes, he hasn’t got back to me, I can’t see if he has been online or not as he doesn’t have his online status turned on. I’ll see how I feel tomorrow, if I do anything it’ll be a quick breezy message asking if we are still on, if I don’t hear a response then that is the end of that!

Thanks for the posters offering a bit of support - obviously it’s a bit shit when things don’t work out but it is what it is. Flowers

OP posts:
supercali77 · 12/11/2021 17:14

@CecilieRose putting the penis aside for a moment 😂 why would anyone text anyone unless they felt there was a reasonable expectation of a response? None of us would ever progress to a relationship of any kind if we didn't expect reciprocality to some degree or another. A reply to a text being the most basic. Outside of sex we pick up cues such as ... someone saying they want a 4th date. You have to take people at their word until or unless you see evidence to the contrary. The alternative is distrust at every step

supercali77 · 12/11/2021 17:17

@Raspberryvanilla1 sorry for derailing your thread and dropping the penis word op. It is disappointing when someone goes awol and you've no idea why. ❤

CecilieRose · 12/11/2021 17:18

[quote supercali77]@CecilieRose putting the penis aside for a moment 😂 why would anyone text anyone unless they felt there was a reasonable expectation of a response? None of us would ever progress to a relationship of any kind if we didn't expect reciprocality to some degree or another. A reply to a text being the most basic. Outside of sex we pick up cues such as ... someone saying they want a 4th date. You have to take people at their word until or unless you see evidence to the contrary. The alternative is distrust at every step[/quote]
Sure, but the sex thing is irrelevant, then. It's pretty common for people not to reply if they're not interested - male or female. You can't really say sex is casual and just for fun and then get all upset when someone you've slept with doesn't reply or want to take things further. This is the thing with apps - it's constant competition. No time to let things develop slowly if you're meeting different people all the time. It's fickle.

Original poster
Raspberryvanilla1 · 12/11/2021 17:19

And to add, I didn’t even meet him online, I have no idea why that seems to be the assumption by some replies - that being said even if it had been online, I would have done the same re when we had sex if I felt comfortable enough. I hear what a few posters have said in the the may have had some kind of accident or emergency or something, but I get the sense he may have just lost interest and might take the fade/ghosting approach. If anything happens I’ll update my thread - thanks again to everyone who’s offered words of wisdom x

OP posts:
CommonRoom · 12/11/2021 17:19

Apologies from me too OP. I'm sorry you're feeling uncomfortable and I hope it works out ok for you!

CecilieRose · 12/11/2021 17:21

Irrelevant whether you personally met him online or not - he almost certainly is on the apps if he's single.

Didimum · 12/11/2021 17:27

I think casual sex has always existed, and likely to the same degree it does now, but true, online dating has just made it easier for these types of people to come out of the woodwork, and, more importantly, we now also hear about it more due to all these new-fangled ways to share information. Still, if he's that type of guy he's that type of guy – if you don't sleep with him in time he'll ghost you anyway as he's not getting what he wants, if he holds out til month 4 or whatever, he'll still end up treating you shit in another way, because he simply isn't someone who respects other humans. Online dating probably hasn't changed the actual ratio of shitty men to decent men, it's simply made shitty men able to have more access to a great number of laydeez in one swoop.

And to the argument 'well, you've known him a few weeks, what did he owe you anyway?' –oh, they KNOW what they owe you. As if it's not completely obvious if something is simply intended to be casual and only casual.

Anyway. Any word, OP? Personally I'm a fan of forgetting the text games. Be straight with your questions and expect straight answers. My husband, when we were dating, was awful at texting me back from day 1. I learnt very quickly to simply ask him plainly what I wanted to know –he was fine with that. If he's not fine with a woman saying what she means and meaning what she says, then he's not the kind of man you want anyway.

nomorefrogs · 12/11/2021 17:32

@CecilieRose are you tone deaf? This is nothing to do with dating apps.

Dropcloth · 12/11/2021 17:41

You sound admirably sorted, @Raspberryvanilla1. Good luck with dating, regardless of whether this guy is in fact trapped under a heavy item of furniture or lacking in basic text8ng manners.

PinkMochi · 12/11/2021 18:58

@CecilieRose just because you’ve been ghosted after having sex on the first date doesn’t mean that other women aren’t. You sound really bitter. Loads of men and women have sex on the first date and are still in a healthy relationship decades later. Loads of people wait to have sex and then end up in toxic relationships. There’s no correlation, my dear Edwardian aunt.

SunshineCake1 · 12/11/2021 18:59

You sound like you know your own worth @Raspberryvanilla1 so whatever the situation with this bloke I am sure you'll be fine.

dottiedodah · 12/11/2021 19:17

I think he is rude to ignore you whether you have slept together or not .Maybe he is unable to call for whatever reason we dont know. As you say maybe send over a quick text and see what happens . Some men are OLD for a shag ,some are genuine and looking for a Long term RL . As you say if he is insincere then he is not right for you anyway .It is just nice to know where you stand ,not least because you can make other plans for Sat Eve!

Lightisnotwhite · 12/11/2021 19:22

[quote CommonRoom]@cecilieRose

I had sex with someone I met in a bar just a couple of hours before. We have now been together for 32 years, married for 27 and have two DCs.

The reason DH did not ghost me was that he liked me and wanted to have a relationship with me. That's the only factor at play here. If someone isn't interested then they will ghost you, if they are interested then they'll get in touch. Nothing to do with whether you have had sex on the first, second, third date or not.[/quote]
This is true.
But lots of people have sex early on thinking it will make them like us more, feel connected etc. When in truth the other party just sees sex ( or conquest)
You got lucky.

Swipe left for the next trending thread