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Original poster

Haven’t heard from date

209 replies

Raspberryvanilla1 · 12/11/2021 11:36

Meant to be going on a (fourth) date tomorrow, haven’t heard from him since 4pm yesterday afternoon. First three dates went really well - we both enjoyed each other’s company, and he was really keen for us to meet up again.

I know it’s only 11.30am now but he has almost always messaged in the evening/morning so far, feel a bit deflated. Sad am I overreacting to think he has probably lost interest?

Tia Flowers

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 12/11/2021 19:49

In my online dating days I went on tons of first dates where we probably were not compatible personality wise but they would probably have slept with me regardless.

I think here I'd have sent one more message saying hey just confirming it still up for tomorrow and then no more. But I'd not write him off before sending that and getting a clear lack of response. He may just be crap at texting or some emergency (benefit if doubt) therefore one message to confirm is fine by me.

AmayaGirl · 12/11/2021 19:53

[quote JollyJoon]@youvegottenminuteslynn

I dont think you're getting what @CecilieRose is saying. She isnt saying she likes it or that its normal. Shes saying that sadly, this is still how a lot of men operate.[/quote]
Precisely.

AmayaGirl · 12/11/2021 19:56

@DottyHarmer

I kind of get some of what cecilierose is saying. If you want to shag on the first date, then go for it BUT then you can’t leap back into wanting the wooing and the gentlemanly behaviour and, most importantly, then getting upset that he hasn’t called .

If you’ve entered into equal sex, then neither party has to pursue things. If you’re getting in a stew that he isn’t then morphing into a boyfriend, then that wasn’t equal “liberated” sex, it was sex with expectations.

I wouldn’t text, OP. Everyone wants to be the hunter, not the hunted - this applies absolutely equally. I always found overly-keen men an incredible turn-off.

I completely agree with this. I'm surprised that some posters aren't able to understand the point cecilierose is making.
Dropcloth · 12/11/2021 20:55

@AmayaGirl, that logic only makes sense if you think that having sex on your second date establishes you as someone who doesn’t deserve to be treated with basic human civility via text. The OP isn’t asking to be ‘wooed’, or put on a pedestal, just treated with the kind of basic politeness you’d expect from someone, a friend or date, you’d liked enough to see several times and had made plans with.

Fading out like that, when all that is needed is a brief message to say ‘Sorry, this isn’t something I see going any further. All the best’ is just bad manners, whether it’s someone you’re seeing/having sex with, or a friend you meet for coffee.

CecilieRose · 12/11/2021 21:04

[quote PinkMochi]@CecilieRose just because you’ve been ghosted after having sex on the first date doesn’t mean that other women aren’t. You sound really bitter. Loads of men and women have sex on the first date and are still in a healthy relationship decades later. Loads of people wait to have sex and then end up in toxic relationships. There’s no correlation, my dear Edwardian aunt.[/quote]
I've never had sex on a first date and have never been ghosted. Really pathetic of you to keep insulting me because you're not capable of understanding my point. Plenty of other posters get it.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/11/2021 21:24

For those saying "if you hand over sex easily, you can't assume he's going to text" etc, they were MID CONVERSATION. Regardless of vaginas and penis', that's just rude.

CecilieRose · 12/11/2021 21:31

@SleepingStandingUp

For those saying "if you hand over sex easily, you can't assume he's going to text" etc, they were MID CONVERSATION. Regardless of vaginas and penis', that's just rude.
Is it? Texting is asynchronous. It's not like putting the phone down in the middle of a call. It's completely normal to stop texting, even if the previous few texts have been 'back and forth'. I was texting continuously with a friend earlier today and then she vanished mid convo, presumably because she got a call or had to get back to work. It's really not unusual, or wrong. I really don't understand people who think it's rude.
LovePoppy · 12/11/2021 21:31

@CecilieRose you seem happy enough to insult others, but can’t handle when someone holds you to the same account??

SleepingStandingUp · 12/11/2021 21:35

If you'd asked a question or made a comment that clearly warranted a response, and your friend just never replies to you, that's rude.
Yes she might have put the phone down to do something but there's a delay and then there's just not bothering to reply.

Aldmi · 12/11/2021 21:44

OP it's hard but happens to us all. Something similar just happened to me and I'm feel very deflated and rejected

I was chatting to online for a few weeks to a women. We had first date last Friday and really hit it off. Next day she messaged me asking when date 2 would be and then regularly texts through the week. Date 2 was this Friday.

Didn't hear anything from her on Wednesday. So yesterday dropped her a message just seeing what plans were for Friday.

She replied that her grandad had fallen and she was going to stay with him and her parents (about 40 minutes away). And wouldn't be back until christmas. So not worth carrying on when she not giving 100%. Although she has really enjoyed getting to know me

I replied happy to just stay as friends etc as Christmas wasn't that far away and got no response and I can she's removed me as a contact

AlbertBridge · 12/11/2021 21:51

People who believe casual sex suits women as much as men have forgotten that women are not born with contraception. Biologically women are built to get pregnant from ANY sex with ANY man, between puberty and menopause.

So, would it be a good idea for women to go around getting pregnant by anyone? Obviously not. So we're born with in-built barriers. We're much much choosier about sexual partners than men are. We essentially don't have casual sex, as we vet men so thoroughly beforehand. (Men's standards for short term sexual partners are almost non existent.)

We also bond emotionally and look for signs that we can trust in our partner's affection.

The flip side of this so called 'upper hand' was that we had less financial freedom, career potential, general independence and were trained to view sex (as you clearly still do) as something we 'let' men do to us, rather than with us.

This is pretty much how every other species on the planet has sex. It's transactional. The males offer females something in return for sex, usually food.

I don't think we should be celebrating that human females are now the only creature on earth that willingly has uncommitted sex with men for no return at all.

Getbehindme · 12/11/2021 21:54

Mad thought - they might do it for pleasure

AlbertBridge · 12/11/2021 21:56

And OP, don't chase this up with a text. Feel free to make other plans for tomorrow night.

CecilieRose · 12/11/2021 22:06

[quote LovePoppy]@CecilieRose you seem happy enough to insult others, but can’t handle when someone holds you to the same account??[/quote]
Show me where I've insulted someone? I'm giving my opinion on the topic. I'm not throwing out personal insults to people who don't agree with me, like a petulant child.

CecilieRose · 12/11/2021 22:10

@Getbehindme

Mad thought - they might do it for pleasure
Doesn't seem like pleasure when people are agonising over being left hanging and their texts going unanswered.

I have a friend who genuinely enjoys casual sex. She's successful, high flying and very busy. She doesn't have room in her life for a relationship and she finds most people too clingy for her. She has casual sex with gorgeous men, usually much younger. Never worries about hearing from them, never texts them first. I think a lot of women kid themselves that they're like this, but they're not.

JollyJoon · 12/11/2021 22:14

@AlbertBridge
A man who offered me food in exchange for sex would basically be my dream man

Debsdonein · 12/11/2021 22:20

Why can't people just answer. It's very rude of him to ignore you. Maybe you are better off without him.

AlbertBridge · 12/11/2021 22:20

I have a friend who genuinely enjoys casual sex. She's successful, high flying and very busy.

She sounds like she has naturally high levels of testosterone. Testosterone can have a neutralising effect on oxytocin. It's why men bond less when their testosterone levels are high.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/11/2021 22:38

@AlbertBridge

I don't think we should be celebrating that human females are now the only creature on earth that willingly has uncommitted sex with men for no return at all.

Except the 'returns' I outlined in my post (not being dependent on a man) along with those that men and women can both get (enjoying sex, enjoying each other's company, building a family if that's what they want, laughing together etc etc) in an equal, happy and healthy relationship?

I think we should celebrate that we are lucky enough to have the option to have either committed or uncommitted sex without being forced to be dependent on the male of our species.

Keke94LND · 12/11/2021 22:41

@CecilieRose I met my boyfriend on Tinder, I 'took control' and spoke to him first and I slept with him on the second date 😱 been together happily for 5 and a half years, buying a house together, probs get married soonish

JollyJoon · 12/11/2021 22:42

@AlbertBridge
You could argue sex still is transactional if you consider SAHP and the idea of "maintenance sex"

amiafreakofnature · 12/11/2021 23:14

Nobody is saying they are owed a relationship or even a next date but to ghost someone is bloody cowardly and horrible

weekendfuntime · 12/11/2021 23:18

@Aldmi - That sucks. Do you think she was making an excuse? I'm feeling rejected at the moment too. If I don't want to see someone again I just send them a polite message to explain and wish them all the best. Better than ghosting.

I don't want to derail OP's thread. OP - you deserve better. Please do update us and let us know if the elusive one got in touch.

amiafreakofnature · 12/11/2021 23:18

So if you shouldn't sleep with a man you like who states he likes you also you shouldn't move in with a man who says he wants a relationship/marry a man who says he wants a monogamous relationship oh no ladies keep those knees together until he's got you that diamond ring worth three times his monthly wage or any disappointment is quite frankly your own fault! Silly women expecting to be treated with respect! Get back to your sock darning

Getbehindme · 12/11/2021 23:18

I might be wrong but I don't think 'maintenance sex' is something that SAHP do for upkeep. It's about maintaining a regular sex life?

Not sure if I've misconstrued what you're saying there JollyJoon.

Either way, as with threads that have recently come before it, this is really quite depressing. Seems that as a successful woman in her 40s who has an active sex life with no relationship, I'm testosterone addled, I'm doing it food whilst bringing about the demise of mankind and spoiling men for everyone else.

I've learned a lot.