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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP deliberately upsetting me

157 replies

thewhisky · 10/11/2021 07:45

I've name changed but I have posted about this relationship before. It's been quite intense.

It's only been four months since we met and I feel like I'm in a whirlwind. First proper relationship since my marriage ended two years ago and it was just so nice being loved.

He's very black and white though. He gets upset if I mention anything to do with my past.

Alcohol always makes things worse. I've said I'm cutting down. But then when we go out he orders me doubles (I never drink doubles!).

We were out last night with a friend. I was a bit upset as he'd said We both had put on weight lately. It's true. But I'm feeling self conscious. I'm currently having a miscarriage. My body feels alien and unattractive anyway. We got past it. Went out and had a nice time. Got back and we were chatting rubbish.

I said something about online dating (how we met) and looking for 'men'. He got upset with me because I didn't say 'man'. Like I was implying I was looking for loads of men? I didn't really get it. And reassured him that's not what I meant. I was looking for a relationship and I found it.

He said I called him an old man but I can't remember this. It's been a long running joke as he's ten years older than me. He responded by calling me a little fatty. I feel really cut to the bone. After everything we talked about. How fragile I'm feeling.

We've had conversations before where he says something deliberately to upset me. I've called him out on it. I just can't understand why someone would intentionally hurt someone.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm very hormonal and emotional. Am I over reacting? Please be gentle. I'm bleeding and just generally feeling shit.

OP posts:
AlphabetAerobics · 10/11/2021 07:48

What a lot of drama for 4 months!

EnjoyingTheSilence · 10/11/2021 07:50

Cut your losses and get rid. It’s 4 months. No one needs this much hassle

LawnFever · 10/11/2021 07:50

You’ve only known this man four months, he sounds awful, controlling with commenting on your drinking (unless it genuinely is an issue?), and rude about your weight.

I don’t think it sounds like this relationship should go any further, it should be fun at this stage!

Sorry about your miscarriage, it doesn’t even seem like he’s been kind about how you’re feeling?

Honestly, I’d walk away from this relationship now.

Universeandeverything · 10/11/2021 07:51

He sounds really horrible.

TinnedPotatoesRock · 10/11/2021 07:51

@AlphabetAerobics

What a lot of drama for 4 months!
At 4 months it should still be the honeymoon stage, with this post and one(s) you've posted before, is it really worth it...4 months in?
Pumpkinsonparade · 10/11/2021 07:51

Please get some contraception and don't get stuck with this twat for 18 years.
Sorry for your loss but let it be a wake up call to taking control of your own life.
And future.
And make it one without him.
He isn't a nice man.

Choice4567 · 10/11/2021 07:52

This does not sound like the beginnings of a healthy relationship

barbrahunter · 10/11/2021 07:52

get rid, honestly he is not worth it.

FrancescaContini · 10/11/2021 07:53

You’re currently having a miscarriage? You throw this into your OP as if it’s a trivial matter. Is he supporting you emotionally?

Sounds intense, chaotic and very “too much far too soon”.

nimbuscloud · 10/11/2021 07:53

Don’t tolerate this shit
Ditch him

GodspeedJune · 10/11/2021 07:54

Way too much, too soon. At 4 months he isn’t a DP, and if you met him online then there’s still a long way to go until you really know him. If he’s behaving like this already, run for the hills. Do you feel able to walk away from him?

Laserbird16 · 10/11/2021 07:54

Nope, no thanks. Move on

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 10/11/2021 07:55

Please please use contraception-it’s only been a 4 month relationship. Don’t saddle yourself with this deeply unpleasant man. He’s not lovely. He’s abusive. When someone tells you who they are-believe them first time. He’s shown you multiple times now.

Maybe some counselling would help to establish some boundaries and develop your self esteem. Good luck.

Justcashnosweets · 10/11/2021 07:56

Christ its 4 months. Get rid of him!

Tibtab · 10/11/2021 07:56

Bin him off, he sounds like he is already trying to break you down so you tolerate his shit. It’s not normal to treat your partner like that!

Bagelsandbrie · 10/11/2021 07:57

What on earth are you doing with this absolute idiot?!

Far too much drama and hassle!!!

DogsWithJobs · 10/11/2021 07:58

Raise your bar.

thewhisky · 10/11/2021 08:01

Thanks. I find it really hard to judge things. Without going into everything I've had an abusive past. I find normal boundaries hard to tell.

I know about the contraception. I'm on the mini pill. So it's been a bit of a nightmare. I'm already looking at swapping to the coil as I didn't really get on with the pill anyway.

Obviously there are some nice things too. He's not a complete arse. When he's nice he's amazing. But he has a complete block on me having dated other men. I don't rub it in his face. I never talk about it as I know it upsets him. It's the coldness and cruelty when he cuts me down

OP posts:
Helpimfalling · 10/11/2021 08:02

Your having a miscarriage whilst having a good time in the pub I'm sure I've read that wrong.

If that's the case im really sorry you should be home being looked after in my opinion.

This is 16 weeks please don't entertain it

DowntonCrabby · 10/11/2021 08:05

This is not OK OP, please please leave and work on yourself for a while before you start dating again.

For the love of Christ do not get pregnant by him again, seriously, he’s a controlling prick 4
months in, it would never have ended happily, co-parenting with an abuser would be horrible for you and a child.

Aria2015 · 10/11/2021 08:05

Most people give their best selves in the first few months of a relationship because they are out to impress and entice. If this is him 4 months in, I dread to think what he's holding back on. I'd honestly bin him. Decent people don't say mean things to intentionally hurt their partners, it's really as simple as that.

category12 · 10/11/2021 08:06

Op, there's a ton of red flags here 🚩🚩🚩.

The speed and whirlwind romance = lovebombing. Too much too soon is the MO of abusive men.

Now he's cutting you down verbally.

Plus undermining your personal goals/over-riding your boundaries by giving you doubles when you are "cutting down".

This one is a bad egg.

Dump him.

Maray1967 · 10/11/2021 08:07

No, you haven’t read that wrong, I’m sure. I went to a friends 40th birthday party while having a miscarriage. I let nature take its course for my first 2 mc. The first one took 3 weeks, the second took one week, like a heavy period.

TopTabby · 10/11/2021 08:10

Just end it.
You say yourself that when he's nice, he's amazing.
That shows the control he has over his behaviour: he's choosing not to be nice to you.
Please leave him & don't put up with this, you're better off on your own than with someone who decides to treat you badly as the mood takes him.

Jk987 · 10/11/2021 08:10

So sorry about your miscarriage.

He's controlling and you are worth more. Repeat 'I can do loads better, I can do loads better'

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