DP deliberately upsetting me

[thewhisky]

I've name changed but I have posted about this relationship before. It's been quite intense.

It's only been four months since we met and I feel like I'm in a whirlwind. First proper relationship since my marriage ended two years ago and it was just so nice being loved.

He's very black and white though. He gets upset if I mention anything to do with my past.

Alcohol always makes things worse. I've said I'm cutting down. But then when we go out he orders me doubles (I never drink doubles!).

We were out last night with a friend. I was a bit upset as he'd said We both had put on weight lately. It's true. But I'm feeling self conscious. I'm currently having a miscarriage. My body feels alien and unattractive anyway. We got past it. Went out and had a nice time. Got back and we were chatting rubbish.

I said something about online dating (how we met) and looking for 'men'. He got upset with me because I didn't say 'man'. Like I was implying I was looking for loads of men? I didn't really get it. And reassured him that's not what I meant. I was looking for a relationship and I found it.

He said I called him an old man but I can't remember this. It's been a long running joke as he's ten years older than me. He responded by calling me a little fatty. I feel really cut to the bone. After everything we talked about. How fragile I'm feeling.

We've had conversations before where he says something deliberately to upset me. I've called him out on it. I just can't understand why someone would intentionally hurt someone.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm very hormonal and emotional. Am I over reacting? Please be gentle. I'm bleeding and just generally feeling shit.

It's impossible to judge from just your side whether he's controlling or you're oversensitive. But does it really matter? Its only 4 months and you've already created at least 2 threads about how much he upsets you. Why are you hanging onto this relationship just to feel worse and worse about yourself?

I was at his house this morning and was trying to leave. I'm not frightened of him but I don't deal with anger very well - probably a hang up from my abusive past. And he can get angry and it scares me.

I bet you feel immense relief at never having to go through that with him again.

He was trying to talk me round by saying he was on edge because he thought his friend was flirting with me (!) and my sexual past threatens him. He wasn't helping himself there, was he. He has insecurities and it was your job to manage them, it seems!

I don't pay him enough compliments so he feels insecure about satisfying me. Erm, yuk! Not very sexy! Or grown up!

I couldn't leave for ages. But luckily I had to go to do the school run and he knew that. Just exhausted now. If you ever feel a bit remorseful, that maybe you were a bt harsh, remember this bit. He worked hard to keep you from physically leaving his house. He scared you and trapped you in his house for a period of time.

No nice man does this.

Take some time for yourself. Manage the miscarriage, relax, focus on you (and the kids obviously). Ignore him, block him, be firm with him, No means no. Done and dusted.

We're you being sick or having the runs when you weren't well; if so, that couldvr affected the pill.

Also I saw an article that said that research had actually proven that some women's bodies naturally make the pill fail. Its not impossible you're one of them.

If you keep seeing him (which I don't think anyone reading your thread could recommend, it's red flag central from him) you're going to have to use a different form of contraception or double up. If he refuses to.use condoms, that's another mark against him.

Not that thete aren't too many already.

It sounds like you've stumbled into another abusive relationship; which is common. Bit its no good for you and no good for your kids.

The front door conversation was begging in front of your kids. He is literally masking having a go at you about your precious relationships- not his business. Please don't put up with this.

Negging

and my sexual past threatens him.

Look he sounds like one of those pathologically jealous, possessive, controlling men who you could do everything they want (wrongly) to reassure, but even with everything sewn up and controlled about your current life ... Will still be harping on about (probably nothing out of the ordinary) your past. Like you can change it, like you should change it even if you.could, like ots any of his fkg business. I'm guessing he's not a monk; so why does he get to verbally/emotionally beat you up about your sexual past, and probably use it as an excuse for control.... but not vice versa.

That's called retrospective jealousy I I, snd generally I find men who display or are the worst types of controlling, possessive, abusive wankers.

Let them convert to fundamental Islam, move to an Islamic state, marry their virgjn, and leave women in our culture alone. They'd never do that though, they'd never women here that favour (nor deal with the downsides of living in a state like that, too much sacrifice and inconvenience, no going down the pub etc. Oh and even if they had a virgin partner, they'd still find something to hassle berate, criticide and abuser her over.

He’s nasty and controlling and he’ll only get worse, he’s undermining you, and he’s unsympathetic, dump him he’s not worth it.

Also have you ever noticed that these men with such problems with their partner's sexusl pasts, almost never actually end the relationships over it?

They could end them and move on, but fir reasons best known to themselves, stay in them but then hao on about it, ceiticise the woman, put her constantly on the defensive, use it as an excuse for "insecurity", and for controlling her etc etc.

Maybe that's because they are in fact abusers.

Maybe it's also because they know theyre not going to get anybody much different or "better" (in their view). The next woman is just as likely to have some sexual partners, maybe some casual sex etc. They know they won't get any different; that's why they hang on and torture their partners trying to make them somehow invalidate their past, which can never be done.

They are fucked up in the head, their July feasible partner's would be a sex doll they were the first owner of (imagine if it was pre owned, they'd probably be berating it about it sexual past ).

Obviously there are some nice things too. He's not a complete arse. When he's nice he's amazing.

Sadly all abusers are great some of the time. Especially in the earlier months.
It doesn't stop.the repetitive, ongoing abuse though.

But he has a complete block on me having dated other men.

He's a nut job ... bat shit. The vast vast majority of people over 17 in this country have a relationship & sexual history. It is utterly insane to not accept that or "have a block" about it. It completely disqualifies him as a partner, aside from all the other shit.

His comment about your kids and priorities is totally fucked up too.

When you get into a relationship with a parent, you accept theyr kids have tj ve their priority. Its not even a conversation. He sounds so needy, arrogant, demanding, and controlling.

Hr also sounds a bit unhinged.

Wailing on about you having a dating/sexusl.past .... it's actually pathetic. He sounds like he thinks the world should revolve around him, everything should he arranged for his gratification and satisfaction. The posted who said said a narcissist has a point.

I beg he's extremely jealous and controlling about your social life as well.
He's can't even introduce you tk hos mate without going on aboit him coming onto you When men are wired like this, there's no fixing them

He also sounds a bit coercive when you describe how you felt you couldn't leave when you tried to end the relationship at his place, abd only got away be of the school run .... I dont think its too much of a stretch of the imagination to think this guy could become physically restraining/abusive in the right circumstances.

sounds like a right pig to me get rid

I don't pay him enough compliments so he feels insecure about satisfying me

Needy, needy, controlling, manipulative.

Does he pay you constantly compliments?

To the contrary it sounds like he negs you.

Abd even if he did, that's not a normal, natural relationship, is it. Constantly complimenting each other, esp inmcssd the other person upbrauds you about not doing it.

I'm also interested to know, Presuming he's not a virhin, why you don't have a "block on" his sexual past? Could it he because you're normal and reasonable (and he's a fruit loop).

My advise always is, trust your instincts. No need to over analyze, compare or ask others for advise. Trust yourself.

You have school age kids.

This man is a danger to them and that isn't an over the top statement, it's a fact.

He has already said he wants to be your priority but can't because of your kids. Words such as those, out of the mouth of a man who has already shown you that he is an abusive narcissist, are frightening.

Get out now.

He.picked a fight over one letter. Men instead of man. Ans then called you fat. That's absolutely disgusting. I've been with my husband 15 years, we have had lots of arguments, we have never insulted each other over appearance or anything else.
Get out now, if he is this nasty over something insignificant then imagine how bad he will be when something shit actually happens (which it will if you stay together- every couple goes through shit times).

It sounds like he finds out your weak spot and targets it. I bet he is the kind to say he was only joking and you don't get his sense of humour either

She says she's already broken up with him? So not sure we need to keep repeating all the reasons why she should as though OP hasn't heard: she has.

OP said she left his house to do the school run. I don't think it's clear that the relationship has been ended. Even the second statement is not clear.

She said: 'I thought my post was explicit that had I spoken to him before I left.'

This doesn't clarify the relationship status.
It would be good to know the outcome from the OP as lots of us are concerned for her, she's posted twice in 4 months already.

Sounds like a man I dated about 5 years ago. Does he work with a specific type of metal?

He sounds awful

No he's a doctor. Which probably meant I trusted him more than I would have normally.

I do really appreciate everyone's help here. It's been hard to see when you're in the middle of it and you know your judgment is skewed anyway.

He made me feel like no one else would take me on. I'm 'impossible' and so hard because of my history of abuse. I appreciate I'm not easy. But I've never lashed out or hurt anyone. So I struggled with his behaviour.

I have left. Permanently. I thought I had made it clear.

It was all very messy though. And quite traumatic. He wasn't listening to me. It got very tense and I had to pretend I was coming back and it was just a blip to get out of there. He wanted to have sex but I'm bleeding a lot and in pain so he wanted me to prove we were still together and ok. It's been very triggering. But I got out. And that's what I'm focusing on. He has never been to my house so I don't think he can find me and the kids. I'm sorry I've not updated. Or people feel I've not taken their advice. It's just been exhausting and I feel a bit broken.

Take care of yourself op.. Physically and emotionally you have been through the wringer...
Remember none of us are perfect and we all are capable of making errors of judgement about people.
We do get wiser...
Do something nice like watch a film and eat chocolate this week end with your dc .. Take it easy.
Xxx

Well done OP it can't have been easy but you have done the right thing for your family but also for you. Take some time to be kind to yourself x

I'm glad you're safe and free OP. He sounds quite scary.

Good to hear your safe and away from him. It might worth logging something with the police as he might not give up so easily.

Take care of yourself. None of this is your fault

My skin is crawling at your last update. He really is awful. So glad you are out of there.
Never let anyone tell you that you're difficult or unlovable. That's horrible.