DP deliberately upsetting me

[thewhisky]

I've name changed but I have posted about this relationship before. It's been quite intense.

It's only been four months since we met and I feel like I'm in a whirlwind. First proper relationship since my marriage ended two years ago and it was just so nice being loved.

He's very black and white though. He gets upset if I mention anything to do with my past.

Alcohol always makes things worse. I've said I'm cutting down. But then when we go out he orders me doubles (I never drink doubles!).

We were out last night with a friend. I was a bit upset as he'd said We both had put on weight lately. It's true. But I'm feeling self conscious. I'm currently having a miscarriage. My body feels alien and unattractive anyway. We got past it. Went out and had a nice time. Got back and we were chatting rubbish.

I said something about online dating (how we met) and looking for 'men'. He got upset with me because I didn't say 'man'. Like I was implying I was looking for loads of men? I didn't really get it. And reassured him that's not what I meant. I was looking for a relationship and I found it.

He said I called him an old man but I can't remember this. It's been a long running joke as he's ten years older than me. He responded by calling me a little fatty. I feel really cut to the bone. After everything we talked about. How fragile I'm feeling.

We've had conversations before where he says something deliberately to upset me. I've called him out on it. I just can't understand why someone would intentionally hurt someone.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm very hormonal and emotional. Am I over reacting? Please be gentle. I'm bleeding and just generally feeling shit.

You don't need this bullshit OP. You can leave him, and you will feel better for it. He was disgusting to call you that. You don't need any 'excuses' to break up with someone after 4 months, it's been hardly any time at all. No need to give him a second chance, he lost that when he was so horrible to you.

He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

Hmm following your update...DO NOT INFLICT THIS TROUBLED INDIVIDUAL ON YOUR VULNERABLE CHILDREN.
He's an accident waiting to happen.

Why not consider putting your children first instead of mooning around after this man? Who you've known all of five minutes.

You don't need to unravel your thoughts or waste emotional energy on someone who you've been dating for a few months

We all know how this will play out though - you'll be back next month with another thread

My advise still stand though. Put your kids first and just dump this man. Don't be that mother ..

So many red flags it is not worth bothering with.

Op it doesn't have to be painful or hard to be in a relationship, it should be safe calm and easy.

Please leave him asap.

He is very bad news OP, run.

@PollyWobbles

Why not consider putting your children first instead of mooning around after this man? Who you've known all of five minutes.

You don't need to unravel your thoughts or waste emotional energy on someone who you've been dating for a few months

We all know how this will play out though - you'll be back next month with another thread

My advise still stand though. Put your kids first and just dump this man. Don't be that mother ..

I wasn't going to reply but there was no need for this.

I have put my children first. And I will continue to do so. As I said I know everyone is right. Absolutely no one has said anything else.

I was at his house this morning and was trying to leave. I'm not frightened of him but I don't deal with anger very well - probably a hang up from my abusive past. And he can get angry and it scares me.

He was trying to talk me round by saying he was on edge because he thought his friend was flirting with me (!) and my sexual past threatens him. I don't pay him enough compliments so he feels insecure about satisfying me. I couldn't leave for ages. But luckily I had to go to do the school run and he knew that. Just exhausted now.

So pack him in now then! No need to make any excuses for it.

He may not scare you now OP but he's shaping up to be someone who does scare you in the future. Just get rid x

@thewhisky, so you've told him! that's great!

Now, change your lock so he can't come into your house.
Send him a text to confirm that this is the end for you and there is no going back (then you don't have to deal wkth his anger).
Block him (phone, social media etc...).

And if he is still turning up and is scaring you, call the police.

It doesnt matter f you are 'more easily scared' or whatnot. If he is scaring you, this is not OK

Omg all this agro and only 4 months in ! Fgs LTB.

It's been four months and you've posted about him twice on a relationship board? Wake up! He's bad news, and your gut is trying to tell you this.

Of course he's nice some of the time - if he wasn't, nobody would ever stay with him. It's the cycle of abuse.

Dump him. You'll be much happier.

He was trying to talk me round by saying he was on edge because he thought his friend was flirting with me (!) and my sexual past threatens him.
Your 'sexual past' is none of his business and therefore nothing for him to worry about. If he feels threatened by it (which, quite frankly, is ridiculous) then that's his issue to deal with not yours.

I don't pay him enough compliments so he feels insecure about satisfying me.
Ahh, so it's YOUR fault that he's a dick! This is classic bullshit "I'd be a better man if you paid me more attention so it's your fault that I'm not". How utterly pathetic.

I couldn't leave for ages. But luckily I had to go to do the school run and he knew that. Just exhausted now.
Not being able to leave is a huge red flag. Now that you have spoken to him, text him to tell him it's over and not to contact you again, and then block. If he turns up then tell him to leave or you will call the police.

You think you only have an abusive past? No, you also have an abusive present, right now. You admit you have problems knowing where boundaries lie, so let me tell you, he's well and truly crossed where they should be. Do not see him again, he's ramping it up and it is getting dangerous.
Also, next time you date ( hopefully after you've had help) do not tell a BF all about your abusive past from the off, it just makes the abusive ones stick around as you become an easy target for them.

So are you going to end it with him?

I think you're enjoying the drama.

I'm sorry for what you've been through. This man is horrible and you should dump him. You should also avoid dating until you've had counselling to deal with your past abuse and your boundaries/low expectations. Things might get worse otherwise. You have yourself and your children to think about. You deserve to be happy, and I don't think a relationship will bring that for you until you've had proper support for these issues.

So he's cold, cruel, makes vicious remarks and you have only known him a few weeks really. I am really sorry you are going through a miscarriage but I think in the end you'll be glad that you're not tied to this man for the next two decades.

Can you not see that he is absolutely horrible?

Please leave this man as soon as possible. If this is how he behaves after 4 months, how will he be after 4 years? He is awful and I am concerned he has the potential to be dangerous. So many red flags for abuse.

Please take care of yourself and remove this man from your life. Good luck.

Getting angry? After 4 months? Things can only get worse! He's given up trying to impress you already, hasn't he? My DP has never once got angry after nearly 2 years together!

I think you need to heal before you think about doing anything, or thinking about the future or this relationship. I’m sorry for your loss.

I’ll play Devil’s advocate, if you say you call him old man, could little fatty be him just getting back at you, tit for tat. Do you keep bringing up other men…. I know it’s not nice and you are vulnerable right now, I’m just looking at it from another angle. Does he know how upset you are? Is he caring for you right now? After only four months, the honeymoon period, he doesn’t seem to be giving you the love and respect you deserve. Would you say the things he’s said to you, to a friend in the same position? I think these are things to think about when you are feeling better.

All this drama after only 4 months. Id dump him right away. I dont need old men calling me a fatty in my life while I'm having a miscarriage. In fact fuck him.

Sounds like there needs to be no funny names. But in general if people say mean stuff it is not good for relationships.

This man is massively insecure and he is projecting all of his insecurities onto you.

And because he feels insecure, he wants you to feel insecure in yourself. That’s what the put downs are all about. He can’t deal with those insecurities, so they build up as anger and that anger gets thrown at you.

4 months in should not be this hard. It should not be causing you this level of stress and anxiety. If he’s easily throwing verbal insults at you in the first 4 months, just think how bad those insults could look like after 1 year, 2 years, etc? (Believe me, I know. I’ve experienced it myself!)

Because his behaviour so far, is flying some little red flags of narcissism to me. He wants to be put on a pedestal, be your only priority, makes you feel shit about yourself to make him feel better about himself, angry outbursts, verbal insults, controlling behaviour (deciding what you drink despite you not wanting to drink it, as just one example you’ve given).

A relationship that is making you feel this uncomfortable, sad and exhausted, is not a good relationship. You are frequently sacrificing your needs for his. Time to put yourself first I’d say and give him his marching orders

OP. I’m not going to give you a hard time here. I know only too well how this plays out. I’ve had enough relationships (plural) with different types of abusers to write a book.

All of the early warning signs of abuse are there. And by abuse I mean the warning signs of physical abuse. He’s already emotionally abusing you. If you ignore these signs then I have no doubt there will be violence.

What worries me about this is that you can’t seem to see it. This is not love. How can he love you? He doesn’t know you. And you don’t know him. And what you do know is cruel, possessive, coercive and deeply unpleasant.

My advice, for what it’s worth, is to end this before it gets worse. And it will get much worse. I think that deep down you know this.

I’ve just ended my marriage. And you know what? It was hard. And to break my old co-dependent habits was even harder. But it is worth it. Being alone is much better than running around after some wanker who will always move the goal posts. He’s storing up any perceived slights against him and he will use those against you every chance he gets.

Any man who is jealous over past sexual partners, and uses it against their girlfriend or wife, is an abuser. What you did before you met him is precisely none of his business.

Please, please end this. Good luck.

He said, he said, he said. He’s irrelevant. Dump the scummer, ffs, what exactly do you want from this thread? What advice have you ignored on previous threads about your shitty boyfriend?