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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP deliberately upsetting me

157 replies

thewhisky · 10/11/2021 07:45

I've name changed but I have posted about this relationship before. It's been quite intense.

It's only been four months since we met and I feel like I'm in a whirlwind. First proper relationship since my marriage ended two years ago and it was just so nice being loved.

He's very black and white though. He gets upset if I mention anything to do with my past.

Alcohol always makes things worse. I've said I'm cutting down. But then when we go out he orders me doubles (I never drink doubles!).

We were out last night with a friend. I was a bit upset as he'd said We both had put on weight lately. It's true. But I'm feeling self conscious. I'm currently having a miscarriage. My body feels alien and unattractive anyway. We got past it. Went out and had a nice time. Got back and we were chatting rubbish.

I said something about online dating (how we met) and looking for 'men'. He got upset with me because I didn't say 'man'. Like I was implying I was looking for loads of men? I didn't really get it. And reassured him that's not what I meant. I was looking for a relationship and I found it.

He said I called him an old man but I can't remember this. It's been a long running joke as he's ten years older than me. He responded by calling me a little fatty. I feel really cut to the bone. After everything we talked about. How fragile I'm feeling.

We've had conversations before where he says something deliberately to upset me. I've called him out on it. I just can't understand why someone would intentionally hurt someone.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm very hormonal and emotional. Am I over reacting? Please be gentle. I'm bleeding and just generally feeling shit.

OP posts:

disconnecteddrifter · 10/11/2021 09:22

I feel like I have damaged my kids from being emotionally unavailable because I was so worried about him. Don't damage your kids the guilt and regret is nearly impossible to live with

Moooning · 10/11/2021 09:23

You need to leave him OP. Abusers aren't abusive all the time. He knows you have an abusive past so that's a green light for his manipulation tactics - he's exploiting the situation entirely. The highs and lows are what you're used to...him being nasty and possessive is just the tip of the iceberg if you let this continue.

You should stay out of relationships until you work on your boundaries and self worth.

Put you and your children first.

Triffid1 · 10/11/2021 09:24

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
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RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN

Original poster

thewhisky · 10/11/2021 09:24

@Phrowzunn

Oh God I can’t believe you let this horrible twat get you pregnant after less than 4 months together - what are you thinking OP honestly get the fuck out of there.

I didn't. I was on the pill. I was quite ill for a while and had three courses of antibiotics which the Dr said might be why it messed up.

I'm also not defending him. I'm just trying to unravel my thoughts. I do really appreciate everyone's advice. And I know you're right.

OP posts:

HeartsAndClubs · 10/11/2021 09:25

You’ve been together for 4 months and this isn’t the first time you’ve posted about him?

OP you say your boundaries can be off. This is a wake up call. Get rid of this twat and stay away from relationships until you’ve had some proper counselling to come to terms with your past.

And I’m sorry about your miscarriage, but I’ll be honest, I think you should think yourself lucky that you’re not going to be tied to this man for the rest of your lives.

category12 · 10/11/2021 09:25

He has been pushing to meet my kids.
At four months in = 🚩 🚩 🚩

But has also said things like he wants to be my priority and knows he won't be as my kids are my priority
Already setting himself up to be wedge between you and your dc = 🚩 🚩 🚩

But then he gets upset about something and hangs up or refuses to deal with it. He knows I hate going to bed on an argument. It tears me apart.
Silent treatment = emotionally abusive behaviour

ToastieSnowy · 10/11/2021 09:26

The good news is that you’ve recognised something is off with this man. There’s so many red flags that can be hard to spot from the inside when you’ve been in an abusive relationship.

This one is going to continue on a cycle of being nice for a bit, then being awful to you. Dump and run.

HeartsAndClubs · 10/11/2021 09:27

OP why have you name changed?

Is it because you were given advice on your previous thread which you chose to ignore and are now afraid that posters will point that out?

Bananalanacake · 10/11/2021 09:28

Thank god he doesn't live with you, easier to get rid of. And don't introduce him to your DC.

Hawtain86 · 10/11/2021 09:30

Sounds like a very insecure man maybe that's why he feels the need to put you down. I wouldn't waste another moment on this guy.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/11/2021 09:30

Run. Run fast. That sort of behaviour is not partnership material nor is it long term relationship material.

Cut your losses and run!

ftw163532 · 10/11/2021 09:33

I'm sorry but he's just another abuser and the only answer is to end the relationship.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 10/11/2021 09:37

I hope you find the strength to end it with this man. Besides all the rest of the crap, (and after only 4 months!!) if anyone said that about my kids they would be gone.

girlmom21 · 10/11/2021 09:38

He has been pushing to meet my kids. But has also said things like he wants to be my priority and knows he won't be as my kids are my priority.

He'll be a prick to your kids and find ways to nitpick about your behaviour and theirs.

He'll be a nasty bully when he doesn't get his own way.

Don't stay with him. Don't expose your children to him.

TheWholeWorld · 10/11/2021 09:43

Nah. He sounds jealous and insecure and you don't need that shit op.

Of course he's not horrible all the time or you'd have got rid ages ago. It's good enough, enough of the time, to give you doubts.

But no relationship should be hard work or causing issues 4 months in. That's honeymoon period where everything should be hearts and butterflies. The fact it isn't is all you need to know OP.

ProudAlly · 10/11/2021 09:44

60 very well informed messages telling you to end this relationship.

Here's another one, from someone who has experienced what you are dealing with. This relationship will only get worse, you need to end it now. I wish someone had told me that at the start of my relationship and if they had I hope I listened to them.

Listen to all these PPs and do yourself (and your DC) the biggest favour of your life. End the relationship.

BaconMassive · 10/11/2021 09:45

If it's like this at 4 months, things aren't going to be any more pleasant at 8 months.

Save your time (and your sanity).

FictionalCharacter · 10/11/2021 09:51

Being loved? Sorry, but he's not being loving to you at all, just cruel and nasty. Please end this before the last dregs of your self esteem go down the drain.

DrSbaitso · 10/11/2021 09:55

He's not a DP, he's a petty, spiteful and brittle knob you've been seeing for 16 weeks. My Botox lasts longer than that and makes me 100 times happier.

TangerineDreams · 10/11/2021 09:55

It's 4 months.

Fuck it off. You barely even know each other. It's no loss.

TravelLost · 10/11/2021 09:59

You are only 4 months in. You should be in honey moon period, all bliss and lovey with each other.

Instead he is showing his true colours

he isn’t a kind or caring person. See having a go at you when you are in the middle of a miscarriage
he is unkind on purpose
he is setting up limits on what you can talk about, is getting jealous already etc…

RUN RUN RUN

It’s only going to get worse. You are in the honey moon period where everything is bliss remember? How do you think it will be when said honey moon period is over?

WildfirePonie · 10/11/2021 10:04

4 months?! Just dump and run!

BackBackBack · 10/11/2021 10:10

Firstly, I am so sorry about your miscarriage.

Secondly, you are only four months into this relationship and there are red flags everywhere:

he's pushing to meet your kids.
he's already making comments about wanting to be your main priority but knowing he won't be because you have children.
he's love bombing and then negging you.
he has you walking on eggshells already about what you can and cannot talk about in front of him.

Dump him - send him a text telling him it's over and then block him.

JorisBonson · 10/11/2021 10:16

You are defending him. It's been 4 months - you owe him nothing.

supremelybaffled · 10/11/2021 10:18

They are all nice some of the time. If they were an abusive bastard from the get-go they'd never get anyone to go out with them in the first place.

This one has already let his mask slip after a very short time.

Get out now.

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