DP deliberately upsetting me

[thewhisky]

I've name changed but I have posted about this relationship before. It's been quite intense.

It's only been four months since we met and I feel like I'm in a whirlwind. First proper relationship since my marriage ended two years ago and it was just so nice being loved.

He's very black and white though. He gets upset if I mention anything to do with my past.

Alcohol always makes things worse. I've said I'm cutting down. But then when we go out he orders me doubles (I never drink doubles!).

We were out last night with a friend. I was a bit upset as he'd said We both had put on weight lately. It's true. But I'm feeling self conscious. I'm currently having a miscarriage. My body feels alien and unattractive anyway. We got past it. Went out and had a nice time. Got back and we were chatting rubbish.

I said something about online dating (how we met) and looking for 'men'. He got upset with me because I didn't say 'man'. Like I was implying I was looking for loads of men? I didn't really get it. And reassured him that's not what I meant. I was looking for a relationship and I found it.

He said I called him an old man but I can't remember this. It's been a long running joke as he's ten years older than me. He responded by calling me a little fatty. I feel really cut to the bone. After everything we talked about. How fragile I'm feeling.

We've had conversations before where he says something deliberately to upset me. I've called him out on it. I just can't understand why someone would intentionally hurt someone.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm very hormonal and emotional. Am I over reacting? Please be gentle. I'm bleeding and just generally feeling shit.

It's simple really. You need to dump him, get an sti check and then learn about safe sex so you're not in this position with the next guy.

@NowEvenBetter

He said, he said, he said. He’s irrelevant. Dump the scummer, ffs, what exactly do you want from this thread? What advice have you ignored on previous threads about your shitty boyfriend?

100%. I mean this prick can’t even hide what he is after only 4 months. Imagine what your life would be like in 4 years. Leaving him after this long isn’t even a big deal, I don’t know what’s so confusing and heart breaking about it.

I swear some people enjoy this sort of drama .

Obviously there are some nice things too. He's not a complete arse.

The best advice I've read here I this:

If someone gave you a cake and said 80% is chocolate and 20% is shit. Would you eat it?

Obviously, the answer is no. No way would you accept something that is 20% shit.

But this is what you are doing with him.
You are eating the shitty cake.

Haven't your children gone through enough?

Be relieved that you are miscarrying, your children do not need a pregnant mother with an abusive boyfriend in their lives.

Focus on your poor children.

Stay away from this nasty, abusive, waster.

Christ. 4 months?

STOP IT. END IT. Immediately.

I'm sorry you're going through a miscarriage.

But OP. This man is not your partner.

He is a relatively new, already abusive man who regularly upsets you and who has a temper that frightens you.

For your children's sake, simply cut contact with him. For good. Forever.

They've been through enough. So have you, but they don't have a choice in the matter.

But has also said things like he wants to be my priority and knows he won't be as my kids are my priority.

The fact you stayed with him despite him saying this means you DESPERATELY need therapy asap. You are not making decisions in your children's best interest if you're staying with an abusive man who hates women. He hates that you've had a sex life previous to him. He hates that you're a mother. He hates that you have bodily autonomy.

He hates women.

For the love of god, can you promise us that you'll just message him to say it's over, block him and focus on therapy. Quit drinking for a good few months and put the money you save into therapy so you never put yourself in this position again.

Please can you come back and confirm that you've binned this toxic wanker @thewhisky?

I'm a bit worried for you.

Incidentally, in your last post you said: "I'm not frightened of him but I don't deal with anger very well - probably a hang up from my abusive past. And he can get angry and it scares me."

Can you see how you're contradicting yourself there? I'm not having a go, just trying to point out how this man is getting your thinking confused.

Op for the love of all that is good in the world - RUN.

I'm hoping you've already ditched him as I'm late to the party but if you haven't get as far away as you can from this guy as soon as possible. At best he's just a c*nt at worst he's a psychopath and he will destroy you effortlessly.

I'm so sorry

I couldn't leave for ages. But luckily I had to go to do the school run and he knew that.

Massive alarm bells ringing. Not only does he got angry but he won't let you leave? Do not put yourself at risk like this. Your children need you. For their sake, even if you don't think you are worth it yourself (you are!) don't have anything else to do with him. He is not a good person.

A good relationship is one where you (both) feel loved, respected, supported, all of the time.

Obviously there are some nice things too. He's not a complete arse

• this is not a relationship goal. This is not a good relationship.

I wish I had learned younger, that a good relationship is one where you never doubt, analyse, worry, about what the other person thinks of you. There are no games, no controlling, no deliberately hurting the other. Absolute honesty and wanting what's best for the other person all the time.

It's great when you find it. You haven't found it in this man.

After 4 months if a guy called me a little fatty I'd be long gone. This is all way to much drama at this early stage in a relationship.

I don't know why you would entertain this relationship. It sounds awful and extremely toxic. This is him still on best behaviour, it's only going to get worse.

You've mentioned alcohol and how he is buying you doubles which is making you vulnerable to the resulting arguments and behaviours. Has alcohol been a problem for you before or only in this relationship? Could you just slow your drinking right down? I know not everyone can do that. It does seem rather self destructive to recognise this as a problem and continue with the behaviour though. Especially as his is enabling it and then punishing you for it.

I also think you need to work on what you are looking for. It's awful that you have had a miscarriage and I am sorry for that. However you have only been with this man 4 months. You don't even really know him yet.

If you are looking for a healthy long term relationship concentrate on being kind to yourself and on what makes you happy for now. Consider if coming out of this relationship some relationship counselling would be good for you. The rest will follow in time.

Given you say you've already posted about this relationship (within the 4 months) I think you already know the right thing to do. Good luck OP

What a nasty bastard. Reminds me of the first few months with my ex when he was trying to lay down the law / set the foundations for the rest of our (abusive) relationship

This sounds a MESS

Run run run run run

We've had conversations before where he says something deliberately to upset me. I've called him out on it. I just can't understand why someone would intentionally hurt someone.

@thewhisky Some people get a kick of it and also it keeps a woman in her place.

I think you're enjoying the drama.

@DogsWithJobs There's nothing to indicate that at all. OP made a thread because she isn't happy with what's going on.

He doesn't love you. He only wants to trap and abuse you. The way he wouldn't let you leave this morning is such a scary thing to read because I've been there, and it doesn't get better. He will ALWAYS be so reasonable about everything, even when he explains why he hits you for "flirting" with his friends. And if he sees you relaxing, he'll get you back in line with a strategic "rage" or a string of zingy comments to take you down a peg or two in front of other people so that you can't tell him to fuck off.

He is better at this than you are, and you can only lose.

But honestly, he doesn't love you.

Get rid of him now before he takes over your life and your kids have to spend their childhood watching their mother being abused.

You don't have to break up with him. Just delete him from your phone, block him, and never contact him again. Ghost him completely, and TELL someone that you are doing this.

There's not much point "having a chat" with him, because he'll tie you up in knots with his words.

I just can't understand why someone would intentionally hurt someone.

Because they're nasty and don't like you.

FGS, think about what's best for your children, and it is not you being with this horrible man. It's only been four months and it's a nightmare. Get away and block him.

I was on the pill. I was quite ill for a while and had three courses of antibiotics which the Dr said might be why it messed up.

Is it actually news to anyone that antibiotics affect the pill's effectiveness and additional contraception should be used if you've taken them (let alone three courses of them)?

I'm sure the miscarriage is unpleasant, but it sounds like a lucky escape to be honest. At least you have no need to maintain a relationship with this man, who is certainly no keeper.

I've been with DP for over 17 years and I think I'd struggle to think of a single incident that would prompt me to write a thread on here. You've written two for a relationship of four months.

This is your gut telling you something here. You know your boundaries are skewed when it comes to relationships so don't listen to your head, especially do not listen to him, just listen to that gut feeling telling you something is not, and will never be, right.

You are having to hide details, parts of your life, parts of your past and starting to navigate trigger words so you don't set him off. Those trigger words will multiply - you are already seeing that with him nitpicking over the plural of men/man. You are heading straight for a time where you and your children will not be able to say a fucking word in his presence without it potentially enraging him. And you'll suffer the consequences each and every time. To be clear, it won't matter what you say, or didn't say, or imply or didn't imply. It will be an invented reason to rage at you.

Now, the other important part of this - your children. He doesn't even want a mention of previous partners, so how's he going to get along with you all with the visible proofs walking around your home, talking about daddy or that side of the family and not erupt? He won't. Your children will be a reminder to him constantly that you've had other men, had sex with other men, before him. The very sight of them will enrage him.

It is possible to find a man who would never call you names. One who would hold your hand and snuggle on the sofa with you when you are miscarrying. One who would respect the fact you don't want doubles, and not hold you hostage while he explains his mind-fuckery to you to convince you how right he is and how wrong and crazy you are. But first you've got to take some time away from all relationships, take some counselling that focuses on DV relationship dynamics, and get emotionally healthy.

But if your kids really are your priority you'll ensure that they never knew this creep even existed. Dump, block and dodge. If he tries to talk you around - it's simply this, you don't want to be with him - leave him no room to give you excuses, promises or grand gestures. Don't stick around to listen to threats, pleas or whatever. Don't fall for any of them because they are about as real as his regard for you.

Is it actually news to anyone that antibiotics affect the pill's effectiveness and additional contraception should be used if you've taken them (let alone three courses of them)?

To be fair, doctors aren't very good and sharing this information when they prescribe contraception.

I went back into the pill a couple of weeks ago after a few years of pregnancies and babies and the only thing the doctor mentioned that would reduce effectiveness was D&V. Fortunately I know everything I need to know from before.

I don't know if they're still supposed to do blood pressure and weight checks before they prescribe too but he didn't do that either.

@Whitney168

I was on the pill. I was quite ill for a while and had three courses of antibiotics which the Dr said might be why it messed up.

Is it actually news to anyone that antibiotics affect the pill's effectiveness and additional contraception should be used if you've taken them (let alone three courses of them)?

I'm sure the miscarriage is unpleasant, but it sounds like a lucky escape to be honest. At least you have no need to maintain a relationship with this man, who is certainly no keeper.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/antibiotics-contraception/

I checked the leaflets for all the antibiotics I took. None of them said they affected contraception. The nhs website says most do not too.

Someone asked way back when why I name changed. It wasn't because i didn't like the advice on my previous thread. It was because as always there was a pile on and it became really unhelpful. It was also about my abuse so was quite triggering.

I thought my post was explicit that had I spoken to him before I left. Which is why he wouldn't let me leave and wanted to 'explain'. But maybe it wasn't so clear. But it got quite nasty so I could've done without the further bashing of being a crap parent when I was trying to extricate myself from the situation as safely as I could.

I wouldn't stay with someone like that

Never see or speak to him again, op. It's that simple.

Have you now ended it? Is it over?