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Original poster

I want to get married, DP doesn’t. What happens now?

198 replies

AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 04:59

I’ve been with DP for a few years and things are great between us, except for the massive elephant in the room. He is so hesitant about getting married. We live separately and both have kids from previous relationships. He’s divorced and I’ve not been married before. I believe he loves me and he knows I love him, but this is now causing an issue between us. It’s got to the point where I’m seriously having to think about ending things because it’s upsetting me. I don’t want to though because he’s almost perfect in every other way. Oh wise mumsnetters, what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSnow · 09/11/2021 05:05

So would you still not live together if you got married? I’d try that for a while first.

NoSquirrels · 09/11/2021 05:07

How old are your respective DC?

Do you want to live together - is that your motivation for getting married?

Original poster
AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 05:12

He’s already asked me to move in to his but it wouldn’t work logistically due to the respective kids’ school locations. We’ve also looked at buying a house together somewhere closer to mine, again location is the issue. Moving in together isn’t the main issue it’s the marriage that’s important to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 05:12

All the kids are very similar ages so mid to late teens

OP posts:
Original poster
AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 05:13

I want the marriage so that I know he’s committed to me, although he tells me he is. Actions speak larger than words.

OP posts:
marriednotdead · 09/11/2021 05:13

Think about why you feel it’s so important for you. Would you really be willing to give up your near perfect relationship in the hope that one day you MIGHT meet someone who ticks all those boxes AND wants a wife?

I’m in a similar situation as my DP made it clear that he will never remarry. At first I was really upset but on balance, we are committed in every other way so I can live without the ring.

Grimsknee · 09/11/2021 05:17

You said he's 'hesitant'... what does that mean? Is he dead set against it, or is he just not sure. Is your position "I eventually want to be married" and his "I want to live together but I don't believe in marriage"?
How do you know you want to marry him until you know what he's like to live with? Is it more a "values" question at this point?

NiceTwin · 09/11/2021 05:17

So you'd get married but still live apart, that seems pointless.
I certainly wouldn't give up an almost perfect relationship just because he won't put a ring on it, surely that would be cutting off your nose to spite your face Confused

Original poster
AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 05:22

I know @marriednotdead. I’ve been trying to tell myself that he loves me and it shouldn’t matter, unfortunately it does matter to me and I can’t shake this feeling. The rational side of me knows that if I ended things I might never find someone like him again. But I feel a little bit of resentment that he doesn’t want to marry me because of what happened with his previous marriage. It makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me, or perhaps I’m not good enough.

OP posts:
myrtlehuckingfuge · 09/11/2021 05:24

If I was in the same position, I can imagine that I would be pretty hesitant about re-marrying. He's done it once before, it doesn't work. Are you planning on having children together or any type of financial dependence? You might not end up back on maternity leave but older relatives need caring for etc-if so then I would get married, if not why bother? I know that you might want your big day but why not plough it into something else-a big birthday, a great holiday together?

DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight · 09/11/2021 05:25

Like hell would I marry anyone I haven’t lived with first! I’m with him on this OP.

anon12345678901 · 09/11/2021 05:26

@DiscoLightsOnAFridayNight

Like hell would I marry anyone I haven’t lived with first! I’m with him on this OP.
I agree. I wouldn't either.
tiggerwhocamefortea · 09/11/2021 05:27

Living together is more of a commitment- sorry but you should be thinking about that before marriage

Original poster
AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 05:29

@Grimsknee By hesitant I mean that he brought up marriage very early on in our relationship and it felt like we were or be same page but as time goes on he seems very comfortable with the way things are. We are pretty much living together because he’s at mine most of the week and we are at his most weekends. It’s not a new relationship, he has seen me without my makeup on Grin. Also yes I eventually want to be married and he says he’s not sure.

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 09/11/2021 05:31

He’s already shown he’s committed by asking you to move in with him. I can’t understand why a piece of paper is more important to you than sharing a home together and so I empathise more with him I’m afraid.

Original poster
AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 05:31

@NiceTwin We are buying a house together, it was just a case of having to take the kids schooling into consideration, as time has gone on that is much less of an issue now. They are older, have cars etc. So yes if we do actually get married, we will be living together.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 09/11/2021 05:34

I feel a little bit of resentment that he doesn’t want to marry me because of what happened with his previous marriage. It makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me, or perhaps I’m not good enough.

You’re entitled to your feelings, but you’d be wise to work through them with someone - a counsellor perhaps - rather than resent your DP for acting in what’s quite a rational way.

If you both have teens at home, separately, a d can’t live together yet, then it sounds like a bad idea to get married anyway. Where’s the upside for anyone - other than the nebulous concept of ‘commitment’?

If he got married to you you’d be entitled to 50% of his assets, and vice versa. But nothing else would change. There’s no practical benefit to either of you.

Original poster
AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 05:39

@myrtlehuckingfuge

If I was in the same position, I can imagine that I would be pretty hesitant about re-marrying. He's done it once before, it doesn't work. Are you planning on having children together or any type of financial dependence? You might not end up back on maternity leave but older relatives need caring for etc-if so then I would get married, if not why bother? I know that you might want your big day but why not plough it into something else-a big birthday, a great holiday together?
It’s pretty unfair to tar me with the same brush. I’m not his ex. For a start, I can support myself financially, have own house, good job etc and neither one of us want any more children. He is a much higher earner and I know this has some bearing based on what happened with his ex. We’ve done the great holidays, eat out at nice places etc. For me, this is about our long term future.
OP posts:
Tarne · 09/11/2021 05:40

Oh for goodness sake op, he doesn't want to marry you because he doesn't want you to have any share of his assets but he does want wifework done ie cooking, cleaning, childcare, home and garden maintenance and laundry and sex on tap!

Never move in with a man in those terms!

Stop him coming round to yours so much.

Find someone who wants to marry you and share their assets with you in a fair exchange of services to your union and future.

Unfortunately he has shown his hand and it is not in your favour and so that ells you he wants to use you not have a fair and equal partnership.

There is no coming back from that utter humiliation.

Tarne · 09/11/2021 05:43

Tells*

silentpool · 09/11/2021 05:43

I'm just about divorced and there is no way I would entangle myself legally and financially with another person again. I do not blame him.

Is it worth giving up a good relationship over? No, but protect your financial interests because what happens to joint assets if he dies/leaves etc?

marriednotdead · 09/11/2021 05:43

You haven’t lived together yet and there are two sets of children involved. Do you plan to have any together? That would be the only reason that would make it important to me.
Only you know if you can compromise here. I understand the comparison to the ex- mine is clear that he’s happier with me than he was with her yet she got the commitment that I won’t ever have. He has promised that he will never change his mind and gave me the choice of walking away.
Envy of what the ex had before will ruin what you now say is worth keeping. Our hearts are not always logical!

Simonjt · 09/11/2021 05:44

There is no way I would ever marry someone I hadn’t live with, to be honest if someone was pushing marriage before we had lived together I would start to be concerned about their motives.

NoSquirrels · 09/11/2021 05:44

What are you missing out on by not getting married?

SmileyClare · 09/11/2021 05:44

These days marriage isn't just a sign of commitment, it's a legal financial arrangement between two people. It's costly, and the person with the highest financial contribution (including assets such as property, savings, life insurance and a pension) should consider the financial impact to them in the event of divorce.

I suspect he has reservations. It's not guaranteed you won't get divorced in the future.

What are your reasons for wanting marriage, if not for the financial security it provides? Are you religious or do you think it's a "security" he won't leave you? Do you just want the big party, the dress, the romance of a wedding because you've never been married?

If you have to push him to get married, coax, plead and threaten him with an ultimatum then he's not doing it out of love and commitment is he?