Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to get married, DP doesn’t. What happens now?

198 replies

AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 04:59

I’ve been with DP for a few years and things are great between us, except for the massive elephant in the room. He is so hesitant about getting married. We live separately and both have kids from previous relationships. He’s divorced and I’ve not been married before. I believe he loves me and he knows I love him, but this is now causing an issue between us. It’s got to the point where I’m seriously having to think about ending things because it’s upsetting me. I don’t want to though because he’s almost perfect in every other way. Oh wise mumsnetters, what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Authenticcelestialmusic · 09/11/2021 06:53

You say you own your own house, good job (that suggests pension etc). Is it in your financial interest to get married?

anon12345678901 · 09/11/2021 06:55

@AngstyMcAngsty

I know some people are saying we should live together first etc, but I’ve done the cohabitating thing and don’t want to do it again. As others have said once they get their feet under the table why would they rush to get married?
But he's done the marriage thing already. Living together teaches a lot about a person. What's the point in getting married then finding out when living together you aren't as compatible?
CovidCorvid · 09/11/2021 06:57

If I split from dh I absolutely wouldn’t get married again. I think for the lower earner if you have kids it’s sensible but otherwise why bother?

Personally I’d want to protect my house, savings and pension which I’ve worked hard for.

DrSbaitso · 09/11/2021 06:57

I'd never marry someone I hadn't lived with first, especially with kids involved.

If he starts treating you like a skivvy on cohabiting, why would you want to marry him anyway?

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 09/11/2021 07:01

Sounds like he's been honest with you about this and his wish not to get married doesn't trump yours to want to. Plus there are no kids or unequal pay etc that comes with it that need to be considered.

If the relationship is great and works for you, I'd let it slide, but I've had 2 failed marriages behind me and now actually can't see the point in marriage if there are no children involved.

However if it's really important to you then you might need to consider the relationship as ultimately it's not working for you. Marriage, children, money are all huge factors in a relationship and if you disagree on one of these things it's a real game changer

OnGoldenPond · 09/11/2021 07:03

If I split from DH now I would never get married again, no matter how committed I was to a new partner. Would cause too many complications with inheritance for my DC as a new spouse would have claims on the assets that should go to them.

When you both have older DC and no plans to have any together it isn't necessary to get married to show commitment.

lastqueenofscotland · 09/11/2021 07:06

Given that it sounds like it would be literally impossible for you to live together while children were at school I think it would be bonkers to get married at this point

navigatingbreakup · 09/11/2021 07:06

@Jabvribt

If I were to get divorced then I know that I wouldn’t get married again; for me personally I would no longer see the value in it and when I already have children and never having any more I wouldn’t want to get into the difficulties around inheritance and the financial side of it would worry me if I was established in my own home. That wouldn’t be a reflection on the person but more the result of learning that relationships you thought would last forever don’t always

This. I realised you have your own reasons Op but if you can step into your partners shoes I expect this is where he is coming from and his perspective on the matter.

Being married really isn't the be all and end all if you have a good guy there.

FabulousMrFifty · 09/11/2021 07:16

I am divorced man (50s), and was the higher earner ( only by a little bit), and I would never get married again, even with an reasonable easy split it was a painful process, and if has kids he will certainly be looking out for their future and not risk losing what assets he may have left

TBH, I would probably not want cohabitation again, but that’s just a personal thing, but as say cohabiting would be the next step.

Dery · 09/11/2021 07:18

“If he's a high earner he might want to protect his assets for his children. Maybe offer to sign a prenup? It will take any financial issue off the table and make the marriage purely about the commitment.”

This.

mrsbitaly · 09/11/2021 07:19

I definitely wouldn't be jumping into marriage if you haven't worked out logistically how you can live with eachother. Why do you want to get married why does it mean so much and what will it change. I'm not pro marriage I'm married myself but it doesn't change anything or make your partner less committed because he doesn't feel its right at the moment

Skyeheather · 09/11/2021 07:21

You can't force someone to marry you. If he doesn't want to marry you then you aren't getting married.

So what now? Stay as you are and proceed with buying a house together and living together or you leave and take your chances meeting someone else who does want to get married.

I know lots of people who live together, have kids, joint mortgages etc but aren't married. It's not something that's important to a lot of people these days.

girlmom21 · 09/11/2021 07:23

OP if you're a homeowner with teenagers I'd think long and hard about the financial implications for you and your children if you were then to divorce or, god forbid, you died first.

They could be set to lose all if their inheritance from you.

lentilsforever · 09/11/2021 07:23

Confused

You don’t live together because not logistically possible? But now it is? How old are your children?

yellowspot · 09/11/2021 07:28

I've been with my partner for 15 years and we're not married. One day I hope we will but because I want to be married to HIM. Not because I simply want to be married. I think that's something maybe you need to think about.

Do you want to be his wife or just a wife? Because in the grand scheme of things, you say he's perfect for you so surely that's enough?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2021 07:29

"OP if you're a homeowner with teenagers I'd think long and hard about the financial implications for you and your children if you were then to divorce or, god forbid, you died first".

To this end I would arrange an appointment with a Solicitor to discuss the legal side of things re your estate and children as it would also be very helpful to you.

layladomino · 09/11/2021 07:31

I feel for you op. Living together isn't a commitment. It's a practical arrangement which you extracate yourself from once it no longer suits. Loads of people live with a series of bf / gf before they find the one they want to commit to.

Marriage is commiting to someone. Of course it doesn't always work out, but the intent is there. It's a legal contract. It offers protection and it's a public statement about your relationship. It makes you each other's 'next of kin' with all that entails.

You both need to understand why the other feels how they do, and decide if there is any room to agree.

Your OH has a right to his point of view of course, but so do you. And in this scenario, he is getting his way (which is right of course, no good would come from forcing someone to marry you!) which means you have given up on what you want. In order for you to find peace with that, he has to understand that he needs to make the effort to explain his feelings and acknowledge the upset this causes you. Not just now, but while ever you are together.

Notonthestairs · 09/11/2021 07:37

You do need legal advice before getting married to protect your children's inheritance. Does one of you have significantly more assets?

If you want to buy a house together is one of you moving house and area? What happens with your children?

Original poster
AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 07:38

@lentilsforever

Confused

You don’t live together because not logistically possible? But now it is? How old are your children?

Because the kids are getting older and will be able to drive soon/ learn to drive . I don’t want to get married straight away but would like at least like it to be a possibility in the near future.
OP posts:
Allaboutthecake · 09/11/2021 07:38

@AngstyMcAngsty

I want the marriage so that I know he’s committed to me, although he tells me he is. Actions speak larger than words.
Actions really do speak louder than words and good for you for having principles. This may be one you can never solve, obviously you can’t grow beat him into getting married and it doesn’t sound like he wants to. The set up could be complicated if there are children on both sides. It would certainly be good to live together and know that the two sets of children will mesh nicely.

Are you wanting to actually get married before you even live together. If so then he’s clearly not going to take that risk and neither should you.

Sunflowergirl1 · 09/11/2021 07:41

"Marriage is commiting to someone. Of course it doesn't always work out, but the intent is there. It's a legal contract. It offers protection and it's a public statement about your relationship. It makes you each other's 'next of kin' with all that entails."

@layladomino is correct so it makes protecting your assets for your children much more difficult. The world is full of children that have been disenfranchised by their remaining parent remarrying and them ending up with nothing. Of course that may be intentional and it is the Laurent's right, but often it is more about lack of a will, and more importantly lack of assets if they don't leave it all to the surviving spouse

Hence why there are increasing numbers of people that are in committed long terms relationships but refuse to marry, either for fear of being asset stripped in case of divorce or risk of being u able to leave their assets to their children.

Frankly if my DH died I would never ever remarry in case of either of those risks

Original poster
AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 07:41

@Authenticcelestialmusic

You say you own your own house, good job (that suggests pension etc). Is it in your financial interest to get married?
We can protect assets so that the kids don’t lose out, I don’t have a problem with that at all and would be pushing for that anyway. My DP earns much, much more than I do, so I don’t think I’ll be losing out financially. This has never been about money for me, however I understand that it may come across like that to some people.
OP posts:
Original poster
AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 07:44

@girlmom21

OP if you're a homeowner with teenagers I'd think long and hard about the financial implications for you and your children if you were then to divorce or, god forbid, you died first.

They could be set to lose all if their inheritance from you.

Definitely, goes without saying!
OP posts:
FigureofEight · 09/11/2021 07:50

So you want on paper commitment
He doesn't. Worried about assets after last marriage. Understandable.

You aren't really into his money -you sound self sufficient.

Your point in that he's not demonstrating his commitment because he's priorities are asset protection vs demonstrating his love over and above everything.

Ie if he really cared and loved you he'd risk it.

As a divorcee I'm in no rush if at all, to marry again. I wasn't screwed over financially! Thing is divorce fucks with you mind BEFORE you add in any financial burdens.

Make a choice. Accept marriage isn't on the cards.

  1. leave now. Move on
  2. push it hard and probably push him away
  3. move in now and regret it
  4. sit it out. Wait until all kids leave home then move in together.
Lanareyrey · 09/11/2021 07:53

Marriage is overrated. Be thankful for the good relationship you do have because it is rare.