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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to get married, DP doesn’t. What happens now?

198 replies

AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 04:59

I’ve been with DP for a few years and things are great between us, except for the massive elephant in the room. He is so hesitant about getting married. We live separately and both have kids from previous relationships. He’s divorced and I’ve not been married before. I believe he loves me and he knows I love him, but this is now causing an issue between us. It’s got to the point where I’m seriously having to think about ending things because it’s upsetting me. I don’t want to though because he’s almost perfect in every other way. Oh wise mumsnetters, what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
lentilsforever · 09/11/2021 17:26

@trappedsincesundaymorn

I have been with DP for almost 19 years. I have said to him that I will never marry him. I am fully committed to him and hope to grow old with him. Just because there is a ring on your finger and a piece of paper in the drawer it doesn't mean he's committed to you, 2 marriages and 2 divorces taught me that.
Out of pure nosiness Why won’t you?
Pascal80 · 09/11/2021 17:28

@AngstyMcAngsty

I know some people are saying we should live together first etc, but I’ve done the cohabitating thing and don’t want to do it again. As others have said once they get their feet under the table why would they rush to get married?
I agree with you 100% OP.
DameMaureen · 09/11/2021 17:29

@FabulousMrFifty you have jumped at one point in my post and got the wrong end of the stick 😂 ... By "stupid about things" I meant the fact that marriage might be important to a woman and the man has not appreciated that because total discussion has not taken place or she has just been hinting . Nothing at all to do with what you came up with .

DameMaureen · 09/11/2021 17:30

@Nanny0gg not at all patronising . Same comment to you as MRFAB above .

Dozer · 09/11/2021 17:33

Wouldn’t be moving in or buying a property together without this first being resolved.

Marriage is a massive financial commitment. He’s not necessarily U not to want to marry, eg if he wants his DC to inherit from him and not you, but he should be honest about it.

Dozer · 09/11/2021 17:34

He earns much more / has more assets so by marrying would be hugely increasing his personal financial risks, also affecting his DC.

Camii · 09/11/2021 17:42

My brother is in v similar position as you. He is so traumatised from his marriage ending and his divorce that he won't marry his lovely lovely gf.
She wants to be married to him. Their kids get on and they seem very happy.
He def loves and respects her but he can't get over his fear. He just can't do it.
I feel bad for her and sad for him bc she is nothing like his ex. She wants the commitment, of calling him her husband etc. Not everyone needs that but she does and I feel that by refusing to marry her it's a bit humiliating.

Calmdown14 · 09/11/2021 17:44

Honestly I expected to come on this and find you were a stay at home mum with DC and to tell you yes, he's being unreasonable but in these circumstances I don't think he is.
Think very carefully about your children and your assets should the worse happen (and vice versa).
Do you own your own home? If so they have something that is theirs. Same with any pension. Start sticking things together and it gets complicated.
You leave to OH. Relationship with your children breaks down over the years, he leaves everything to his kids years later.
It happens.
I don't think this means he doesn't love you but it is sensible to consider it from a wider perspective and for more time to be needed in these circumstances

Lemor · 09/11/2021 17:50

Perhaps he is thinking of his children? His own assets? Who knows.

I rarely suggest therapy - it somehow seems patronising. But in your case I would - to clarify your thoughts and feelings. PS I would not buy a house with someone I had confused feelings or issues about, so maybe wait decision/wise until you’re clear?

Lemor · 09/11/2021 17:52

Agree with Calm to some extent. If I had children I would not marry again in haste unless clear provision for said children - which can get complicated legally.

Bluntness100 · 09/11/2021 17:56

@AngstyMcAngsty

Thanks *@DameMaureen*. I did wonder whether I was being the weird one because I want to be married to the man I loveHmm.
Well no, but it is kinda unusual to want to marry a man you have no firm plans to live with, and have never lived with, at your age, don’t particularly wish to live with if no married and put your primary reason for getting married is so you know he’s committed,

If you don’t know if he’s committed now, marriage isn’t going to change his feelings,

liveforchocolate · 09/11/2021 18:01

Maybe your feelings about it will change.... I've been with DP for 8 years. We have only recently lived together. In our first few years together DP was very open that he didn't want to be married again (we are both divorced with kids from our marriages and not having any more). I made it clear that I would like him to reconsider that, and I would like to be married to him. When we moved in together a year or so ago, our clear discussions were that we would get engaged and then married v shortly after, after perhaps a year or two. Everything has now changed on my part. We haven't discussed it at all, and I'm hoping he won't bring it up (ever!). I now do not want to be married. We've had a rocky time for various reasons, and that, is part of the reason. The other reason is that I've really changed my stance - if he doesn't want to marry me, in fact, if he isn't falling over his feet to commit to being with me and he isn't bothered about it, then I don't want to marry him. I don't want him to do it for me. I want to marry him if he is head-over-heels-can't-be-without-me. And if that isn't the case, but we love each other and are happy cohabiting, then that is now ok for me. I never thought I would feel this way, but I definitely do. Who knows - maybe your views will change. I wouldn't end a good relationship because this is how he and how you both feel now. Feelings change....

2bazookas · 09/11/2021 18:04

If you don't live together, and are "thinking of ending it" that does NOT suggests a stable committed relationship.

1forAll74 · 09/11/2021 18:18

This may become a bigger issue later, if you keep pushing for a marriage, and he is reluctant. He might start thinking, that if he can't go along with your desires, he will call it a day.

lovingnewme · 09/11/2021 18:32

@marriednotdead

Think about why you feel it’s so important for you. Would you really be willing to give up your near perfect relationship in the hope that one day you MIGHT meet someone who ticks all those boxes AND wants a wife?

I’m in a similar situation as my DP made it clear that he will never remarry. At first I was really upset but on balance, we are committed in every other way so I can live without the ring.

Marriage is not about getting a ring - it's a legal contract which is of great importance - no need to underplay it just because you didn't get married.

SGBK4682 · 09/11/2021 19:38

I doubt I would marry again if my marriage broke up, but definitely wanted to the first time pre kids as it felt important to have the "commitment" then.

However, I kind of understand your feeling, but don't really understand why this could be a deal breaker for you? I wouldn't throw a good man away over it. Maybe you need to explore why marriage means so much to you, as PP have suggested. It certainly doesn't mean you'll never split up. Maybe it's the status it gives you? I did like the idea of being a married woman when I first married.

letsmakethishappen · 09/11/2021 19:45

There’s nothing special about being married you’re not missing out on anything. He knows this that’s why he doesn’t want to repeat the mistake. Like PPs have suggestions live together first.

Dozer · 10/11/2021 12:57

Depends whether your definition of ‘special’ includes legal and financial ties. Mine certainly does!

OP’s H seems to be offering her a cohabitation arrangement with limited sharing of financial assets. Which would be acceptable to many in the circumstances, may or may not be to OP!

Dozer · 10/11/2021 12:58

Sorry, not ‘H’, whole point of thread is that they’re not married, oops!

trappedsincesundaymorn · 10/11/2021 16:52

Out of pure nosiness
Why won’t you

Because both exes were lovely until the ring went on my finger and the paper was signed. Ex number 1 saw fit to break 3 of my fingers and ex number 2 ended up shagging the woman who lived across the street. As I said upthread, marriage does not equal love or commitment so why bother? Also I have no reason to. There's no chance of DP and me having kids, we both have our own homes so won't be homeless should we split up, he's named in my will and vice versa and I can support myself financially. Marriage brings no benefit to our relationship.

user1487194234 · 10/11/2021 17:13

At seems he is being relatively straight with you
I have seen quite a few women live with guys who string them along indefinitely and some of whom quickly marry someone else as soon as they split up
Personally I would not have stayed in a relationship like that as marriage is very important to me and certainly would not have had DC
But it's not about me, you need to decide if you can accept not being married or not

Viddy2021 · 11/11/2021 00:38

I sympathise and am depressed reading the word 'protect from' in so many comments. Legal provisions exist to ensure kids get their inheritance, so how is someone loving and committed if they need to 'protect themselves' from their partner? How is it OK to expect a new partner to contribute to a household, mortgage, etc for years and not protect THEM from high taxes and potentially losing their home over an inheritance? For me, the money issues are a trust issue. I suspect a lot of the negative comments on this thread are coming from ex wives who are thinking of their own children with respect to exs with new partners, rather than people in post-divorce committed relationships themselves. Money issues aside, the 'its just a piece of paper' argument is bullshit. Because if it is, why can't he do it to make you happy?

Dozer · 11/11/2021 09:17

‘Legal provision’ for DC in the event of their parent’s death can be made in a will, yes, although if there is no will think the spouse inherits the lot.

And in the event of divorce (probability over 50% for second marriages?) the husband/wife might well get a share of each other’s assets.

Viddy2021 · 11/11/2021 15:03

Ok and why is this totally ok in a first marriage and scandalous in a second?

Viddy2021 · 11/11/2021 15:06

(Getting a share of each other's assets)