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Original poster

I want to get married, DP doesn’t. What happens now?

198 replies

AngstyMcAngsty · 09/11/2021 04:59

I’ve been with DP for a few years and things are great between us, except for the massive elephant in the room. He is so hesitant about getting married. We live separately and both have kids from previous relationships. He’s divorced and I’ve not been married before. I believe he loves me and he knows I love him, but this is now causing an issue between us. It’s got to the point where I’m seriously having to think about ending things because it’s upsetting me. I don’t want to though because he’s almost perfect in every other way. Oh wise mumsnetters, what would you do in this situation?

OP posts:
Flubbah · 09/11/2021 07:53

If my husband died I wouldn’t get remarried unless it was to someone significantly richer than me. I don’t want to risk my DCs inheritance just because I’m shagging some bloke. So if he’s the wealthier partner then I can see why he won’t marry you. It’s up to you to decide if marriage is a deal breaker, if it is then obviously you need to walk away.

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/11/2021 07:53

@silentpool

I'm just about divorced and there is no way I would entangle myself legally and financially with another person again. I do not blame him.

Is it worth giving up a good relationship over? No, but protect your financial interests because what happens to joint assets if he dies/leaves etc?

Same here.

I am going through a divorce (been separated almost 4 years) and been with my dp for over 2 years now. He has said he'd like to marry me but I am a firm no. We both have kids already and don't want any more so I really see more potential negatives than positives to re-marrying at this stage. I might sound jaded but unfortunately that's what divorce can do to you. It's stressful and messy and expensive and second/third etc marriages are statistically more likely to fail.

I'm also against living together though at least until my kids are older (they are 13 and 15)

Glassofshloer · 09/11/2021 07:56

[quote AngstyMcAngsty]@NiceTwin We are buying a house together, it was just a case of having to take the kids schooling into consideration, as time has gone on that is much less of an issue now. They are older, have cars etc. So yes if we do actually get married, we will be living together.[/quote]
You’re buying a house together????? As tenants in common I hope?????

Glassofshloer · 09/11/2021 07:58

Can I ask how many nights in the week he stays at yours?

Joystir59 · 09/11/2021 07:58

Marriage is a legally binding committment to sharing assets. Is that why you want to get married and he doesn't? You are ready for that full on shared status and he isn't. If it means so much to you to be married then you will have to split up. You need to think carefully about exactly why you aren't happy to continue as you are. What is it you want in your relationship that you don't have now.

smoko · 09/11/2021 07:59

He’s been married before, didn’t work out & he is the highest earner now. He would be foolish to get married again & you do give off a vibe that being married is your end goal, rather than wanting to be married to him. Nobody wants to feel like they could be swapped out for someone else randomly

If you haven’t lived together then discussing marriage is like putting the cart before the horse.

Joystir59 · 09/11/2021 08:00

And if you are buying a house together will that be a joint tenants or tenants in common? If you don't know the difference you need to!

KnobJockey · 09/11/2021 08:02

I don't know why people are thinking marriage is a bad thing in this situation. Surely it's the wise thing to do- getting on the same page about the future before uprooting two loads of kids to live together. Yes, you should live together before you're married, but you should at least know that's the end goal, or move in knowing it's not going any further than that.

As to why would you want to be msrried- the inheritance issues can be discussed and legally agreed on, but as it is, if they move in together and one of them has an accident, there is no legal protection for the other. And why shouldn't you want to feel that he values this relationship enough to be fully committed?

Notonthestairs · 09/11/2021 08:05

I think getting married before your families (not just you two!) have lived together would be a bad idea.

I wouldn't buy a house either - I'd rent mine out and move us in to rented.

MatildaIThink · 09/11/2021 08:05

I think you are being irrational. My husband and I got married, it it is the best way when you are planning on raising children together, but that is not relevant as you and your partner have raised children separately already. His view of marriage may well be somewhat tainted because of his ex (which is also somewhat irrational). You don't even live together. Your posts read as if you don't want him (you say you are thinking of leaving if he does not agree to marry you), but you are obsessed with "being married".

You need to take a serious look at your motivations and attitude, potentially with a counsellors or therapist.

RantyAunty · 09/11/2021 08:07

It sounds like you have a nice setup the way it is.

Would he be willing to if you both had prenups?

I don't think I'd be buying a house with him either.
What will happen to the houses you both currently live in?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 09/11/2021 08:08

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper , I hate that . That's what people tell themselves . Its a legal contract and a promise of lifelong commitment, if people don't understand that then they shouldn't be doing it.
It's sharing your financial assets 50/50 and having legal commitments to any children you may share. Actually I have never wanted to get married because I am a commitment phobe , and I understand Its more than a piece of bloody paper .
That aside OP the living situation won't be any less complicated once you are married so I think that needs addressing first. Compromise is needed on both sides. Something else I am rubbish at !

MatildaIThink · 09/11/2021 08:10

@KnobJockey

I don't know why people are thinking marriage is a bad thing in this situation. Surely it's the wise thing to do- getting on the same page about the future before uprooting two loads of kids to live together. Yes, you should live together before you're married, but you should at least know that's the end goal, or move in knowing it's not going any further than that.

As to why would you want to be msrried- the inheritance issues can be discussed and legally agreed on, but as it is, if they move in together and one of them has an accident, there is no legal protection for the other. And why shouldn't you want to feel that he values this relationship enough to be fully committed?

Marriage is not "fully committed", it a a legal contract which has certain benefits (although less so in this case with inheritance protection for the children being out in place) and can be terminated fairly easily. I know couples who are fully committed but not married, I know people who are married but in no way fully committed.
Squeezyhug · 09/11/2021 08:11

It sounds like he needs to live with you first.
Who knows? It might progress to marriage.
You need to balance your needs with his. If you don’t then you’re on a slippery slope.
I wouldn’t marry someone I hadn’t lived with first.
It changes the dynamics of the relationship.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 09/11/2021 08:12

I can't believe people think it's really OK to enter marriage with the view it can be terminated fairly easily!

MatildaIThink · 09/11/2021 08:18

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

I can't believe people think it's really OK to enter marriage with the view it can be terminated fairly easily!
It can be terminated fairly easily, that is what a divorce is. Understanding the practically is very different from wanting or expecting it it happen.
Ubiquery · 09/11/2021 08:18

I think this is due to him having made the commitment to another woman in the past. You're wondering why her and not you. It's playing on your insecurities. I think therapy would help free you from this.

As PP said, marriage is a financial commitment, but you don't want to be financially joined to him. You want to protect your assets. You don't want to move in together. Marriage is not what you think it is, and I'm not convinced that getting married will actually scratch your itch.

From his point of view, no way would I marry someone not willing to live with me.

Fireflygal · 09/11/2021 08:19

My DP earns much, much more than I do, so I don’t think I’ll be losing out financially. This has never been about money for me, however I understand that it may come across like that to some people

Reverse this to get his perspective....he will lose out if you divorce. Be open about the financial impact on him and maybe he will start to feel comfortable that there is a way to protect finances. How old are you both as his pension will be highly relevant if he is older.

2nd marriages have a higher rate of failure so he has to go into a marriage looking at the high risks of divorce.

Does he feel bitter towards his Ex?

KnobJockey · 09/11/2021 08:20

@MatildaIThink unless they have wills which stipulate their desires regarding the other party and assets (which I would say 95% of unmarried couples DONT have, myself included), them I don't think it is 100% commited. If her partner was to die tomorrow, legally she would be nothing to him, and would rely on the next of kin to let her be involved, or even know what happens. While she can manage okay now, while they're not living together, that may not be the case in the future, where she could potentially face homelessness for herself and her kids.

cheeseismydownfall · 09/11/2021 08:21

If I had children already there is absolutely no way on earth I would entangle myself financially by marrying. I would want 100 per cent control over my assets so that I could ensure they passed to them, and to then only, both while I was alive and on the event of my death.

I have seen several situations within my own wider family when money has ultimately passed to (adult) step children, completely forgoing birth children, when the parent died before the new partner.

SmileyClare · 09/11/2021 08:23

I think you're being unfair on your partner by essentially emotionally blackmailing him into marriage. You've said several times on this thread that you're "seriously thinking of ending things" if he doesn't agree to marry you.

His reasons for marrying you shouldn't be that he's doing it because you're threatening to finish the relationship.

The compromise here is to wait isn't it? Perhaps agree to re visit getting married in say 2 or 3 years. You're not losing anything by doing this.

You feel that him marrying you is proof that he loves you and won't leave? Its not a guarantee.

Elieza · 09/11/2021 08:25

I wouldn’t want to get married if I were a high earner with kids either. Until such times as they legalise Prenups to protect the inheritance of my children from a previous relationship. I would put their financial security before my own potential marriage.

So I can see his point. Especially if he’s had a rough divorce with a wife with a good lawyer taking half his assets and perhaps more.

Marriage would benefit you more than him. Because in a divorce you’d benefit more by coming out of it with more than you took into it. Is that what you want, the potential to make money if it goes bad and you split?

I’d suggest you both live together in a rented house in an ‘ideal’ location for a while to see how you get on as a family in a new house that’s a joint venture not a belonging of just one of you.

Yes it costs money but he’s a high earner so he should be able to at least consider this option with a view to seeing how the dynamics work. That would give you the commitment you want without the bit of paper. Yet. It’s a big step. Without the drama if you split. Without inheritance issues. See how you feel after a year and revisit the marriage convo. Perhaps prenups will be legal by them who knows.

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/11/2021 08:25

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper , I hate that . That's what people tell themselves . Its a legal contract and a promise of lifelong commitment, if people don't understand that then they shouldn't be doing it. It's sharing your financial assets 50/50 and having legal commitments to any children you may share. Actually I have never wanted to get married because I am a commitment phobe , and I understand Its more than a piece of bloody paper . That aside OP the living situation won't be any less complicated once you are married so I think that needs addressing first. Compromise is needed on both sides. Something else I am rubbish at !
A promise of a life long commitment that can easily be broken and cost a lot of money and stress to legally en.

Sharing your financial assets 50/50 unless you divorce, in which case it's not always 50/50 and the higher earner will often end up worse off (financially at least) - the op's bf is the higher earner.

Legal commitments to any children you share - fathers can and do walk away at any point in a marriage. CMS don't care whether a man is married to the mother or not when making them contribute financially for their child/ren.

I'm not anti-marriage..I got married and was happily married for 13 years but at this stage in my life and with a marriage and divorce behind me, I am with the op's bf and it just isn't something I want to do again. Marriage doesn't hold that magic or 'promise' it once did for me.

Naunet · 09/11/2021 08:32

@SmileyClare

I think you're being unfair on your partner by essentially emotionally blackmailing him into marriage. You've said several times on this thread that you're "seriously thinking of ending things" if he doesn't agree to marry you.

His reasons for marrying you shouldn't be that he's doing it because you're threatening to finish the relationship.

The compromise here is to wait isn't it? Perhaps agree to re visit getting married in say 2 or 3 years. You're not losing anything by doing this.

You feel that him marrying you is proof that he loves you and won't leave? Its not a guarantee.

Women are allowed to end relationships for any reason they want, that’s not blackmail, and if OP wants marriage then of course she should leave, because she won’t get it from him.
Udouhun · 09/11/2021 08:32

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to get married. He wants to protect his assets for his kids. I would feel the same. I doubt his kids want you to get married either!