I want to get married, DP doesn’t. What happens now?

[AngstyMcAngsty]

I’ve been with DP for a few years and things are great between us, except for the massive elephant in the room. He is so hesitant about getting married. We live separately and both have kids from previous relationships. He’s divorced and I’ve not been married before. I believe he loves me and he knows I love him, but this is now causing an issue between us. It’s got to the point where I’m seriously having to think about ending things because it’s upsetting me. I don’t want to though because he’s almost perfect in every other way. Oh wise mumsnetters, what would you do in this situation?

You’re somehow going to need to learn to deal with the situation or get help. Seeds of resentment will eventually grow and it will ruin your relationship altogether. It seems this is very important to you for whatever reason you have, but you need to talk this through again and possibly try to resolve it with some other kind of help. It sounds like a great relationship and it will be a shame if this resentment grows and eventually ends it. Because the potential is there for that to happen.

For heavens sake...wanting to get married when you are not even living together? I'm not surprised he is refusing as it is a receipt for disaster. You both have failed relationships behind you that have produced children so I think he is being sensible.

Plus, as another MN said, he has, he may wish to protect his assets which is sensible when he has children.

Perhaps be realistic or decide that the relationship isn't working for you, but marriage and not living together isn't really a marriage IMHO

Bit harsh @Tarne! He does come round a lot but I enjoy his company and he gets on well with the kids. Excuse me for actually wanting to have sex with my DP too. He is very generous and looks after me well. The issue we have is the marriage issue.

I’m not sure about this either op. Looking to buy a house together, and not even sure of where is very far away from actually buying a house together. And you don’t live together. If you had wished to you’d both have comprimised and be living together by now.

If he doesn’t wish to marry you then you decide if you wish to stay on the relationship. Balls in your court. You can’t force him.

@marriednotdead

You haven’t lived together yet and there are two sets of children involved. Do you plan to have any together? That would be the only reason that would make it important to me. Only you know if you can compromise here. I understand the comparison to the ex- mine is clear that he’s happier with me than he was with her yet she got the commitment that I won’t ever have. He has promised that he will never change his mind and gave me the choice of walking away. Envy of what the ex had before will ruin what you now say is worth keeping. Our hearts are not always logical!

Wise words. Definitely something for me to think about.

@AngstyMcAngsty

I want the marriage so that I know he’s committed to me, although he tells me he is. Actions speak larger than words.

This is the worst reason ever to get married. Because you’re insecure in the relationship you want him to marry you? What about becayse you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him? Nope? Primarily just so you know he’s committed?

I completely understand not living together until the children have grown up and it can be done without disrupting their education. Will he get married to you once that happens? If he's saying never, rather than not now, all you can do is both explain your position and see if he feels better having talked it through.

I've been with my dp for 15 years and still not married. It doesn't sound like you feel secure in your relationship and you want marriage to secure it. Being married isnt a failsafe commitment guarantee but you know that. What's the worse that could happen if you didn't get married taking aside your feelings on it?

In a way, it doesn't matter what the issue is, what matters is there's an incompatability.

The question is whether or not this is the line in the sand? Does he know this is how you feel? That you're considering ending it because of it?

It must feel pretty shit, so I can understand why you're considering the future of your relationship.

I wouldn’t get married again, so I can see his point.
You are possibly going to ruin this relationship if you keep pushing so decide what you want more, marriage or him.

[quote AngstyMcAngsty]@Grimsknee By hesitant I mean that he brought up marriage very early on in our relationship and it felt like we were or be same page but as time goes on he seems very comfortable with the way things are. We are pretty much living together because he’s at mine most of the week and we are at his most weekends. It’s not a new relationship, he has seen me without my makeup on . Also yes I eventually want to be married and he says he’s not sure.[/quote]
That's interesting. So he's comfortable with the way things are, but you want to be married. Why would being married be less comfortable for him?
If it's important to you, and isn't any skin off his nose, why wouldn't he do it for your sake?
I'm interested in why it's an elephant in the room... sounds like it's a difficult topic to raise.... Why is that?
Do you think there was a bit of "future faking" in the beginning?

I sympathise with you both but ultimately I think he's absolutely right to be cautious. I've been divorced and widowed and I think being divorced was worse in some ways. Could you think that he doesn't want to risk you being hurt in that way, that he doesn't trust himself 100% not to screw up?

I agree with the idea of counselling, not to talk yourself out if it but just to explore what marriage means to you? I would try to think about a future in which you're not married. Who is that person and how do they live?

@JuneOsborne

In a way, it doesn't matter what the issue is, what matters is there's an incompatability.

The question is whether or not this is the line in the sand? Does he know this is how you feel? That you're considering ending it because of it?

It must feel pretty shit, so I can understand why you're considering the future of your relationship.

Thanks for summing up how I feel. Yes we had a bit of a heart to heart recently, I told him how I feel and that I wasn’t sure where we going etc(not quite a break up talk). He seemed shocked, said he didn’t realise that I was feeling that way and apologised for making me feel like that. He said he needs to think things through and for me not to “do anything yet” . So who knows? I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to decide whether to stay or go but will give him time to “think things through”

He could have simply changed his mind on marrying again. I doubt I would again and I certainly wouldn't before I lived with someone for a year or so. Especially with children involved.

If I were to get divorced then I know that I wouldn’t get married again; for me personally I would no longer see the value in it and when I already have children and never having any more I wouldn’t want to get into the difficulties around inheritance and the financial side of it would worry me if I was established in my own home. That wouldn’t be a reflection on the person but more the result of learning that relationships you thought would last forever don’t always

It would be a bit foolhardy to marry when you haven't lived together, in fact, when you've said it isn't practical to do so because of DC schools.

However I would only move in with the clear expectation that if living together worked marriage would follow within a year to 18 months.

I issued an ultimatum - and meant it. I wasn't going to waste my time if marriage wasn't an option, but then it was pre my DC and I didn't want to have children before marriage.

There are so many women on here who are cohabiting and want to marry but their DPs don't. The advice is always that the DP already has the benefits of marriage without the commitment so why would they bother.

Don't for heavens sake disrupt your life and your DC's lives by moving in with him without commitment.

I know some people are saying we should live together first etc, but I’ve done the cohabitating thing and don’t want to do it again. As others have said once they get their feet under the table why would they rush to get married?

He’s already asked me to move in to his but it wouldn’t work logistically due to the respective kids’ school locations. We’ve also looked at buying a house together somewhere closer to mine, again location is the issue. Moving in together isn’t the main issue it’s the marriage that’s important to me.

Marriage and a mortgage (either one singly) is extremely risky with someone you haven't even lived with, even more so when combining families! It doesn't seem as though you can agree or compromise on where to live - how do you think marriage will solve this? Having bern married, it sounds like he might have a more realistic outlook on this.

It almost certainly is purely because of his first marriage.
But can you blame him? If he didn’t like the way his divorce went and especially if he was left by his wife (not the other way around) and had to pay/give up whatever and see his kids less - all because his wife wanted out - then why would he be enthusiastic about putting himself in that situation again?

After all he could equally feel that if you are committed to him and trust him then you wouldn’t want to be legally entangled with him. I know marriage is often brought up as a safety net in case he leaves you - but the reality is you will get the same outcome if you ditch him. I know a woman who left her husband for another man and because he was working and supporting her at the time (she was eventually going to do more study), he now sees his kids on the weekend and pays CM and had to move out the house, all because she wanted to leave him for her affair.

Some men can get very unfairly bitter on marriage after divorce, but then again they say something like 85% of all divorces are at the wife’s request - so with that not factoring into the law can you blame them for being hesitant?

What was the story with his divorce? Maybe that’s worth talking about with him to understand his POV?

Marriage doesn't equal commitment! It's a fancy party with some declarations of love and a bit of paper at the end of it. It doesn't bind you unconditionally for life! As you said, actions are what counts, living a life together, raising your children together, growing together, planning your future, trusting and caring for each other. You're obviously insecure and drawing comparisons to his ex wife. But why? That marriage didn't work did it, the so called commitment didn't last, didn't make their bonds any stronger, so why should it for you? You said this man is great in every other way, don't you think you should focus on that? Great relationships are really hard to find, so you could throw it away and end up married to a cheat, or worse. (My partner has been married twice before and I couldn't give a hoot, I certainly won't be wife number 3!) Give your partner a chance to SHOW his commitment to you, and maybe ask yourself why you feel you need that marriage certificate to prove your worth.

How long are you giving him to think about it? You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you

If he's a high earner he might want to protect his assets for his children. Maybe offer to sign a prenup? It will take any financial issue off the table and make the marriage purely about the commitment.

I wouldn’t throw away a perfectly good relationship over a piece of paper. Is he worried that if you get married and split you have a greater stake in his property/money etc? I can see why people wouldn’t want to get married for a second time, I certainly wouldn’t.

Change your surname to his via deed poll and stick a ring on your finger- voila.

If I got divorced from DH, I wouldn't marry again. If I had a new partner who said they were thinking of leaving me because I didn't want to get married, then I'd be questioning why? Why are they so desperate to get married? And yes, if the possibility of children wasn't in the picture and if I was the highest earner, a little bit of me would be wondering if it was my money they were attracted to.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's the truth. Reading what you've written, I don't really understand your desperation to get married. It sounds like you've got a really good relationship going there and I'm amazed that you'd give it all up just because you haven't got a piece of paper which says marriage on it (and which entitles you to a portion of your higher earning partners money if the relationship breaks down).

For a start, I can support myself financially, have own house, good job etc and neither one of us want any more children.

If you don't want any kids with him, not marrying protects your children's inheritance.

I'd be wary of any arrangement that ends up with you doing all the wife work with no reciprocation, but I don't see what's wrong with the setup you have now. It works for you, him and your kids' school needs. Why does it have to change? Not all relationships have to go to marriage or cohabiting.