I want to get married, DP doesn’t. What happens now?

[AngstyMcAngsty]

I’ve been with DP for a few years and things are great between us, except for the massive elephant in the room. He is so hesitant about getting married. We live separately and both have kids from previous relationships. He’s divorced and I’ve not been married before. I believe he loves me and he knows I love him, but this is now causing an issue between us. It’s got to the point where I’m seriously having to think about ending things because it’s upsetting me. I don’t want to though because he’s almost perfect in every other way. Oh wise mumsnetters, what would you do in this situation?

@BorderlineHappy

By hesitant I mean that he brought up marriage very early on in our relationship and it felt like we were or be same page but as time goes on he seems very comfortable *@AngstyMcAngsty* this bit jumped out at me.Why bring marriage up at all,especially early on in your relationship.

Seems to me hes dangling a carrot in front of you.
He wants the comforts of having s wife,without actually having to marry you.

Or in the heady, hormonal rush of a new relationship, he said something that looked less appealing on the cold light of day. They have no children together. From his perspective, marriage is just a contractual obligation to give half of whatever he has left to OP and her kids if either of them tire of eachother.

I wouldn't buy a house with someone or marry them without living together first, for at least a year.

Live together for a few years first and then see where you’re at.

@DrSbaitso

I will never understand women who need a man to marry them. I don't get it. It seems like the most needy thing ever...PROVE you love me, PROVE you want to be with me, PROVE you are committed.

I don't think marriage is right in every situation, this being one of them, but...it's needy to want someone who claims to be committed to you to want to prove it?

You would have no issue with a man saying, "Of course I love you, of course I'm committed, of course I'll always be there....but don't ask me to do anything to prove it!"

I wouldn't need a piece of paper for any man to prove anything. I would never hold a gun over someone's head to marry me.

Just because someone is reluctant to marry does not mean they are not committed to you, that's just ridiculous. Millions of couples cohabit for years and years without getting married. Marriage proves nothing. How someone treats you day to day is proof enough.

UNLESS or course you are marrying for financial reasons which is more like a business transaction.

@KnobJockey

It’s not bad from her point of view as she has everything to gain in divorce as he earns “much, much more” - so it’s easy for her to say it’s all about proving “commitment”. She has nothing to lose and much to gain.
But from his point of view here is a woman who hasn’t helped him build his assets and is in a supposedly contended relationship with him who his demanding marriage or breakup. Perhaps he should ask her to prove her commitment by agreeing not to marry?

This all seems a bit like she’s saying her love and commitment is totally real, but just in case she changes her mind she wants that little leprechaun with the pot of gold waiting at the end of the divorce rainbow.

I completely understand how you feel.

I was in a similar position to you and have been with my DP for 3 years. We are very happy together and live between our two houses and will buy a house together once my teens are old enough to make the decision to live with us or on their own.

DP was clear from the beginning that he never wanted to marry again and, while I accepted that, it did cause me to feel sad that I would never have a great marriage like my parents did. I chose poorly and was married for 20+ years with an abusive man and I just don't want that to be it for me. Logically it's ridiculous as we are way more committed to each other than my ex H ever was and we have what my parents had but without the ring/ legal ties but to me marriage is significant even though I can't quite articulate why.

DP has mellowed and now, I think, quite likes the idea of being married to me but financially it would need a lot of consideration to ensure our children's future inheritance is protected. We have talked about getting engaged with a view to potentially marry in the future once we have lived together for a while. It may turn into the longest engagement ever lol but it feels like a good compromise for now.

My advice would be to not let it fester. Be open with your DP about how you feel and talk about it. There are non-legal ceremonies you could do to show your commitment if that's what it's about. You can wear wedding rings without being legally married if makes a difference. Really think about what it is about being married that's so important. Does that only exist in marriage or are there other ways of showing that commitment?

Op I'd be interested to know whether your expectations have changed at all following the responses on this thread?

@NoSquirrels

I feel a little bit of resentment that he doesn’t want to marry me because of what happened with his previous marriage. It makes me feel like he doesn’t trust me, or perhaps I’m not good enough.

You’re entitled to your feelings, but you’d be wise to work through them with someone - a counsellor perhaps - rather than resent your DP for acting in what’s quite a rational way.

If you both have teens at home, separately, a d can’t live together yet, then it sounds like a bad idea to get married anyway. Where’s the upside for anyone - other than the nebulous concept of ‘commitment’?

If he got married to you you’d be entitled to 50% of his assets, and vice versa. But nothing else would change. There’s no practical benefit to either of you.

Well not quite. If they are married, no inheritance tax would be have to be paid if one died. The assets would automatically go to the other (a will could distribute done assets to dc) but if they are just cohabitating, assuming there are enough assets to take you over the tax free limit, 40% would go to pay IH

@Tarne

Oh for goodness sake op, he doesn't want to marry you because he doesn't want you to have any share of his assets but he does want wifework done ie cooking, cleaning, childcare, home and garden maintenance and laundry and sex on tap!

Never move in with a man in those terms!

Stop him coming round to yours so much.

Find someone who wants to marry you and share their assets with you in a fair exchange of services to your union and future.

Unfortunately he has shown his hand and it is not in your favour and so that ells you he wants to use you not have a fair and equal partnership.

There is no coming back from that utter humiliation.

Not necessarily. He may be protecting his dc. I would always put my dc first and consideration needs to go into their financial provision if I were to die

The time to get married is before you have children together (to protect the financially more vulnerable) and then in order to avoid any inheritance tax, because no tax is due on transfers between spouse.

If none of those scenarios apply, then marriage isn't really appropriate for you.

Certainly don't marry someone unless you have lived together for at least a year.

Blending families, even if they are teenagers, is really tough. I would avoid moving in together until they are at least finished secondary school.

once they get their feet under the table why would they rush to get married?

Just don't have a relationship with anyone who treats you like this. Until you share accommodation with someone, you are not seeing how they share chores and finances and all the other parts of living.

[quote Megalameg]@KnobJockey

It’s not bad from her point of view as she has everything to gain in divorce as he earns “much, much more” - so it’s easy for her to say it’s all about proving “commitment”. She has nothing to lose and much to gain.
But from his point of view here is a woman who hasn’t helped him build his assets and is in a supposedly contended relationship with him who his demanding marriage or breakup. Perhaps he should ask her to prove her commitment by agreeing not to marry?

This all seems a bit like she’s saying her love and commitment is totally real, but just in case she changes her mind she wants that little leprechaun with the pot of gold waiting at the end of the divorce rainbow.[/quote]
Way off the mark! I’m not demanding anything of the sort. As I said earlier in the thread, this isn’t about getting hold of his finances.

@Madickenxx

I completely understand how you feel.

I was in a similar position to you and have been with my DP for 3 years. We are very happy together and live between our two houses and will buy a house together once my teens are old enough to make the decision to live with us or on their own.

DP was clear from the beginning that he never wanted to marry again and, while I accepted that, it did cause me to feel sad that I would never have a great marriage like my parents did. I chose poorly and was married for 20+ years with an abusive man and I just don't want that to be it for me. Logically it's ridiculous as we are way more committed to each other than my ex H ever was and we have what my parents had but without the ring/ legal ties but to me marriage is significant even though I can't quite articulate why.

DP has mellowed and now, I think, quite likes the idea of being married to me but financially it would need a lot of consideration to ensure our children's future inheritance is protected. We have talked about getting engaged with a view to potentially marry in the future once we have lived together for a while. It may turn into the longest engagement ever lol but it feels like a good compromise for now.

My advice would be to not let it fester. Be open with your DP about how you feel and talk about it. There are non-legal ceremonies you could do to show your commitment if that's what it's about. You can wear wedding rings without being legally married if makes a difference. Really think about what it is about being married that's so important. Does that only exist in marriage or are there other ways of showing that commitment?

Thanks for this. Great advice especially the bit about not letting it fester. In my case, I thought we both were on the same page re: marriage.

@navigatingbreakup

Op I'd be interested to know whether your expectations have changed at all following the responses on this thread?

It’s been interesting and I’ve definitely taken on board what some posters have said. A lot to consider and I’m not ready to throw away a wonderful relationship, so I’ll speak to him again.

Men can be a bit stupid about things and sometimes do need things explained to them . I had the similar with my now H . He didn't realise how much it meant to me . Once we had decided he was over the moon with excitement . As regards financials we have separate families and our wills reflect this , our house is %ed and we have life interest in the house plus we did a pre nup in case of divorce . People will shout they are not legal - in law no but in practice yes . You don't have to explain to anyone on here why you want to get married .

Thanks @DameMaureen. I did wonder whether I was being the weird one because I want to be married to the man I love.

The finances, assets, kids can all be workers through, it’s not insurmountable(fingers crossed)

@DameMaureen

Men can be a bit stupid about things and sometimes do need things explained to them . I had the similar with my now H . He didn't realise how much it meant to me . Once we had decided he was over the moon with excitement . As regards financials we have separate families and our wills reflect this , our house is %ed and we have life interest in the house plus we did a pre nup in case of divorce . People will shout they are not legal - in law no but in practice yes . You don't have to explain to anyone on here why you want to get married .

Aww bless.

Patronising much?

“Worked through”

@DameMaureen

Men can be a bit stupid about things and sometimes do need things explained to them . I had the similar with my now H . He didn't realise how much it meant to me . Once we had decided he was over the moon with excitement . As regards financials we have separate families and our wills reflect this , our house is %ed and we have life interest in the house plus we did a pre nup in case of divorce . People will shout they are not legal - in law no but in practice yes . You don't have to explain to anyone on here why you want to get married .

Men (especially those of use who are already divorced), full understand the legal and financial implications of marriage, and it’s not being “a bit stupid”, or a case of “need things explained to them”.

Thanks

It may not be about “getting hold of his finances” but still, you would be getting hold of his finances.
There’s no way around that fact and to act like that shouldn’t matter to him is frankly disrespectful and probably not encouraging for him to wife you up.

If the legally binding financial aspect of marriage isn’t important to you then go buy wedding rings, have a big party and get married in a beautiful place, call yourself married and even take his name if you want to - but don’t get legally married by someone with that legal power and he won’t have to worry about it. Unless all that means less to you than being registered as married on some government site in cyberspace.

Also OP he can turn it on its head and say that the idea of marrying doesnt appeal to him because you don’t want to live like a husband wife (e.g cohabit). For a lot of people marriage is a natural next step after living together. In every way you’d be partners in your daily life already marriage just cements that.

Living apart isn’t quite sharing your life in the same way. I’ve done an LDR, going over to each others etc it’s just not the same.

I have been with DP for almost 19 years. I have said to him that I will never marry him. I am fully committed to him and hope to grow old with him. Just because there is a ring on your finger and a piece of paper in the drawer it doesn't mean he's committed to you, 2 marriages and 2 divorces taught me that.

Forgot to add,...DP wants to get married but fully understands why I don't so accepts it...because he loves me enough to not push me into doing something I refuse to do.

As he's a high earner, you both bring unequal shares to the pot which makes marriage more complex, and makes it less in his interest as it stands, he's likely worried about that, however, as people have said, you can do a prenup and have individual wills. There are complexities added though, if one of you dies, would the remaining spouse have to sell the house to release the money to satisfy the will for the others DC? Lots to think about, and a minefield to sort. Much easier to co-habit. I think aim to do that first anyway, suppose you wed, then hated living together - it's totally different, or your blended families don't get on. Perhaps set a time for living together for a year and if all good agree to marry then? If at that point he's still dragging his feet, you can think again.

I see your point. He is happy to have the commitment to the bank to pay a mortgage but not the ultimate commitment to you with marriage