DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

Sorry that you’re going through this OP, but you absolutely SHOULD take the job. He sounds like a terrible bully.

He’s just bullied you, again. Stay strong. Take the job, you clearly want to, but please get real life support to help you leave

Take the job. Please

Take the job. His reaction tells you everything you need to know.

Take the job

If he has controlled you for a long time he would have tried to sabotage any and all attempts you made to establish some financial independence for yourself.

Take the job if offered it and further hasten your plans to separate from your H. You do not owe him anything now let alone a relationship. If he had been a decent husband to you throughout your marriage you also would not have started to make plans to leave him.

You say you’ve been making plans to leave, and that you don’t want to leave. What’s driving you planning to leave? Settle that in yourself before you do anything about withdrawing from the job.

His reaction sounds over the top tbh, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to change job regardless of whether you leave him or not - it sounds likes there’s a reason you didn’t tell him?

Is it possible he recognises that you having an independent income gives you choices he doesn’t want you to have? In which case you’d be mad to withdraw your application.

Listen to yourself, you were making plans to leave but things have been ok recently - if you look back over the last two years or so how has it been on balance?

Take the job. Please.

TAKE THE JOB.

the very fact of the way he reacted shows exactly why you need the job.

I think you need to start using incognito browsing, make sure you always log out of things now etc - because now that he knows you've been hiding things he will probably snoop more.

Take the job and continue the process of leaving him.

Take the job. Tell him you rejected it. Follow through with leaving. You can do it!!

A loving, supportive partner would not get angry at you for getting a new job. Take the job, and leave as soon as you can - safely.

TAKE THE JOB

Please take the job. Take the job even if you decide to stay with him, though he sounds controlling... Take the job regardless of your relationship with him.

@TooManyPlatesInMotion

Please take the job. Take the job even if you decide to stay with him, though he sounds controlling... Take the job regardless of your relationship with him.

This double.

His reaction is the clear sign here that you should in fact take the job and also leave him today. Where can you go?

I think you knew anyway his reaction was not going to be at all positive and that is why you did not tell him about this new job. He wants to keep you controlled on a tight leash. I would think up to this point re him finding out about your job offer you were also in the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse but that is a continuous one.

You can accept the job and still be with him. Accept the job.

I think you've posted before about him? Absolutely take the job, you have to get away from him. Do not turn it down.

Please take the job. He is controlling and bullying you.

What do you think you’ll regret more? Calling them today to turn it down or standing up to your DH and continuing with the process?

Take the job.

Don’t decline the job!!!

Even if you decide you don’t want to leave the relationship it sounds like you (and the relationship) would massively benefit from having space and time to yourselves.

Keeping your relationship and your working lives separate could be a really positive step for the relationship OR it could show you that you do in fact what to leave after all.

You’ve apologised to him for being secretive about it but you absolutely should not turn down a job you want because he has bullied you into it.
If you want the job then take it. If he can’t get over himself enough to support your genuine reasons for wanting to separate private and work life then that really answers your question about whether the relationship can work in the long term.

Take the job. If you are currently working for him, the separation of your work life and your home life might help improve things anyway. If it doesn't, then you will know that leaving him is the right decision, and you will have taken a big step in the right direction.

@timeisnotaline

Take the job. Tell him you rejected it. Follow through with leaving. You can do it!!

I think he will ask me to see proof. I don't think I can just say I rejected it.

of course as a partner we might be disappointed or surprised if our partner applied for a job in secret.

But that is not a reason to stop them taking the job, is it?

His reaction is not normal, it is over the top.

You need to really understand that, because you are responding to him as if he has the right to be so angry.

Take the Job.
please.