DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

If he wants proof, I'm happy to type up a letter on whichever companies letterheaded paper and email it to you.

Take the job!

@TractorAndHeadphones

OP take the job, I am v techy and can send you a fake rejection email if needed please please please don’t let him bully you into remaining under his control!

I'd consider taking this advise.

Look at it this way: you're entirely focused on his reaction, seeing his point of view, deciding ways its reasonable.

Your reasons and thinking haven't come into it, for either of you. That's not healthy. I've a friend who works for her DH, it works well for them (balancing childcare, she can catch up on things out of 'normal' hours) if she had an opportunity for a 'dream' job he'd support her. Because that's what normal marriages do. I know absolutely nobody who would see an equivalence with adultery. The fact you do shows you spend so much time analysing his thinking, his responses, how he will view things and react.

You say things are better. If that's really the case, he would accept this.

Consider taking the job, and moving out for some space. It can be hard to make what seems like a 'final' decision But if you're in a relationship that can't let you do things like take a good job, then no matter how good the good times may seem its not a good relationship. The job should be the minimum requirement for you to stay, and it will give you options if you ever want to leave. These are all good things.

Oh OP.

every new post from you shows.

1. how controlling and bullying he is. HE has trust issues, that is his problem. If he wants to run his busisness, then he has to learn to truat and employee. There are many ways (joint signatures etc) to safeguard his money in the business. The point is, it is his problem because the trust is his problem
2. how much he has brainwashed you into keeing him calm and not letting him be angry. You have been amnipulated by him. It is OK to step away and say I disagree.

With the job, he just had to get angry and say things like - "it's like you have cheated on me" and straight away you are promising to decline the job, instead of saying to him - What? Don't be ridiculous, it is a job, not adultery, get a grip.

please take the job, and leave him

His business is everything to him. He said it was the same as me basically cheating on him, it was that big of a betrayal.

Bullshit. It isn’t cheating and if he says so he is gaslighting you.

He has trust issues and I handle the finances and access to the business bank account and he doesn't think he will be able to find anyone else he trusts to do that, so if I don't do it then it will mean he has to reduce the business down to just him.

That’s not your problem to solve. That’s his way of keeping you tied to him forever.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us

Things are not going well between you. He has just told you you’re not allowed to take another job.

I’ve been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer

What has he been doing to address the problems in your relationship? One person taking counselling to make them happy with a relationship is not how it works.

I think he will ask me to see proof.

Another reason to leave. My husband would never ask me for proof of something I’ve said I’ve done.

I described it to my counsellor as my realistic dream job

Well, unless you have another dream which is to be tied to someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart, and to never have what you want, then sure, reject the job.

You were afraid to tell the one person who is supposed to love you the most that you got your dream job. If that doesn’t give you cause to leave him, then nothing will.

Most normal husbands would be concerned why you do feel you need the job, disappointed that you don’t want to be in their business, worried about replacing you etc but they really wouldn’t be angry and forcing you to turn it down without discussion.
They also wouldn’t be demanding proof as there should be mutual trust in a relationship. The fact that you didn’t trust him enough to tell him about the job in the first place is telling enough!

It's perfectly normal for couples to work together on a joint business. One person starts something up and it makes sense for a partenr to join the company. It's also very normal to find after a while that living and working together, especially when one person is the boss, doesn't work.

What is usual is that you've had to go behind his back and he is going mental about it. This really does tell you that you need to break out of the relationship. Tell him you'd prefer to take the job, that you need your own career, if he is ok with that then maybe there is hope for your marriage. If he can't handle that, then it's over.

Have you posted previously about not being allowed any annual leave after requesting a day off to spend with family?

Either way, take the job. It sounds like the first step of a journey that you have to take.

Can you take the job and go into emergency housing for now, OP? I know it sounds like a lot of hard work but honestly, it will be for the best and a year down the line, your life could be so free and happy.

I remember your previous thread.
Please take the job.
Maybe take up the PPs offer to send you a pretend letter of that will buy you time to leave safely.

Take the job and leave him. And WELL DONE for being offered it. Seriously.

His reaction tells you everything about why you applied for the job in secret. And it tells you why you are right to leave him.

Yes, let someone here fake an email "proof" for you. I was going to offer this too.

If he equates it to be the same as you cheating on him, do you really think he's capable of letting it go if you do refuse the job and carry on? Or will it be held above your head forevermore?

It must be awful but see it through. Do it now whilst you have your dream job rather than being on the backfoot when he decides to pull the rug from under you.

Does he control you in other ways, do you visit friends and family when you want or does he try to stop you.

Take the job 🙂
Leave him

Your husband is so abusive to you.

Please leave this is your chance to go with a job.

Please phone woman's aid and go.

Some of us recognise you and your situation, I honestly know how you have managed to survive alive in your marriage so long as his control on you is so strong and suffocating.

You are often in my thoughts. You don't have a nice life because you have zero freedom.

I remember the OP’s previous threads too. Please don’t reject the job, it’s your way out.

You want to leave your husband.
You get a job which will help you get out of the misery that's your marriage.
Upon finding out by your DH, you fall apart, apologise, start looking for excuses for him and do a complete U-turn on your marriage, back to the good old yoke.
This is how an abusive relationship looks like.
Do yourself the kindest act possible and get out of the marriage. Walk away. Take the job. Start your life anew. It's not easy but it's possible.

I did similar (not a job but a course) in secret. It was my first step to happiness and freedom.

Breaking up from an abusive partner isn’t easy but it’s worth it.

No OP!!!!! Take the job and get out.

You have posted before. What happened to the accommodation you could move into in September?

Take the job OP. Is there anywhere you can go right away (with the kids if you have kids) if you need to get away from your H physically? Can you take the job, move out immediately, and officially hand in your notice to your Hs company? Offer to work 2 weeks notice wfh? You desperately need independence and this job will give you that. Don’t give it up because it’s scary having to deal with your Hs reaction.

Take the job. You want it, you need it. Seize it with both hands and break away from his control of you.

He is manipulating you very badly.

You handle his finances and accounts and he won’t trust anyone else. What rubbish. He’s using that to manipulate you. Why doesn’t he do what many other self employed people with a business do. They either so it them self or pay an accountant to do it.

They do not manipulate their wives to do it threatening them when they wish to work elsewhere or blame business failure on them not doing it for them.

A good partner would be thrilled you had successfully got another job and celebrate with you. Not shout at and belittle you trying to make you refuse it. You feel bad you didn’t tel him you were applying but revisit why that was….becuase he wouldn’t let you which is abusive and not normal.

You did the right thing, don’t let him control you and let this manipulation and bullying g be the final straw

Take the job.

I do feel like he has a right to be angry

Yes, you're absolutely right. He has every right to be angry.

WITH HIMSELF.

for being such a shit controlling arse of a husband that he pushed you into applying for a job in secret and is now bullying you into giving up your dream job.

As kindly as possible, give yourself a bloody good shake. You get ONE life, and you're allowing him to completely control it.

OP if you don't take this job, I promise you it'll be near the top of your biggest regrets list. Not trying to be negative but this is your way out! Please pleeease take the job.