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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

884 replies

SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:12

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
NeedAHoliday2021 · 08/11/2021 10:50

Congratulations on getting the job. You can apologise for doing it behind his back (which you did because you knew he wouldn’t support you) but that doesn’t mean you don’t take the job. You only live once - live you’re life how you want and not just to suit a man.

Peace43 · 08/11/2021 10:50

Please please please take the job. It's totally acceptable and normal for a woman to have her own job and salary. It is totally and scarily controlling for him to deny you this opportunity.

Viviennemary · 08/11/2021 10:53

I think thats a bit sneaky doing things behind his back. Still its done now so what is the point of turning the job down. I would take the job.

EerieSilence · 08/11/2021 10:53

@Megalameg - describing finding a job behind DH's back as a pretty weird thing when the OP clearly has a history of an abusive marriage is just ... stupid. No other word for it, unless you agree with the abusive marriage.

flowery · 08/11/2021 10:54

”I do feel like he has a right to be angry. I knew he would be. His business is everything to him. He said it was the same as me basically cheating on him, it was that big of a betrayal. He has trust issues and I handle the finances and access to the business bank account and he doesn't think he will be able to find anyone else he trusts to do that, so if I don't do it then it will mean he has to reduce the business down to just him.”

He has absolutely NO RIGHT to be angry. Thousands of small business owners run their business with one or two trusted staff members. And sometimes those staff members get other jobs and leave. Same as people working for bigger businesses.

I have a small team working for me, all of whom I trust, and I would be disappointed if they left but I’m also realistic that none of them will probably work for me forever and as and when they leave, I’ll deal with it. Of course I’ll be able to recruit new staff and if not, there are things I can do myself.

He’s controlling you and emotionally blackmailing you. Take the job and leave him.

Queenie6655 · 08/11/2021 10:55

@steppemum

Just seen your post about him wanting proof.

That's really controlling, and a massive red flag

Isn't it !!

Not normal at all OP!!!!!!

pointythings · 08/11/2021 11:00

Viviennemary there's a massive backstory of coercion and emotional abuse with this poster. She's not being sneaky, she's desperate and for very good reasons.

Triffid1 · 08/11/2021 11:03

Absolutely, take the job. Agree with Flowery - I have a small group of people I trust and I understand the finances thing completely. But if you are running a business, you need to treat it as a business and that includes hiring people to do things that are confidential.

Also, don't forget, if you get another job you will finally actually be allowed to take time off... assuming your'e the same poster I remember previously, this is a huge reason to stop working for him in your role that is basically slave labour.

ImUninsultable · 08/11/2021 11:03

@Viviennemary

She isnt being sneaky. She is trying to escape an abusive relationship. She couldn't do that whilst he was her only a source of income and her only access to money. A lot of recognise and remember her posts from before. She's doing this to escape him.

EnidFrighten · 08/11/2021 11:04

Appropriate response for a spouse/employer (strange combo to begin with!) in this situation:
Dismay that you've obviously not been happy and he didn't know
Concern that you haven't been able to discuss it with him
Support to help you decide what to do for your own happiness
Co-operation to make new arrangements work

Anger and demanding to see physical evidence that you've rejected the job = total dickwad

Take the job. Leave the man

Original poster
SecretJob · 08/11/2021 11:07

@ImUninsultable

That's not your problem.

He is saying that because he wants you in a position where you cannot leave. If his business is viable then there is no reason why he cannot hire staff. He just wants you on the cheap and he wants to control every aspect of your life. If you're the poster I'm thinking of and have posted about him and the job set up before then you need to leave.

You have a real chance now. You have a job. His business is not your problem. He does not get to control your life like this.

What help do you need to leave? What can we say?

I don’t know what I need to hear. I don’t know why I can’t give myself that final push, it was the ideal opportunity to really.

I have posted on here before and people have been so kind and helpful and I’m so sorry to take up even more of peoples time but I don’t really have anyone in real life I can turn to.

When I’m with him, everything he says makes sense. On a good year with the business, I can earn twice as much as this new job will pay me. He can’t understand why I’d want to give that up and when I speak to him it’s almost like neither can I. He said he thinks it’s not the job that I don’t like, that I’m just transferring my unhappiness about not having children onto the job. We’ve been TTC unsuccessfully for ten years, he said if I had a baby I wouldn’t feel like this about work, and he might be right about all that. He found the job on Saturday and all day weekend long I’ve been crying and just wanting him to cuddle me.

But then as soon as he leaves for work or whatever my mind turns to wanting to leave and I’m on right move looking for places to rent etc, making mental lists of what to pack or searching for stories of people leaving relationships etc

OP posts:
Driposaurus · 08/11/2021 11:09

What would you tell yourself if you were your friend to yourself?

(Not you. But someone who has your best interests at heart)

I think I remember your previous threads. I hope you get out

BlusteringBoobies · 08/11/2021 11:11

OP I think I also remember your previous threads.

I agree with everything PP has said. If this was your best friend telling you all of this, what would you say to her?

MangoIce · 08/11/2021 11:12

Do you have family or friends nearby? Escape. Now. Go to their house and tell them everything you’ve written here (or show them your posts).

A loving partner would be excited that you have a new job. Take this job and move in with family/friends. Do it NOW.

Phobiaphobic · 08/11/2021 11:13

Yup. Take the job. You would never have applied for it in the first place if your marriage was okay.

MangoIce · 08/11/2021 11:14

Also, stop ttc with this abusive man. Don’t bring an innocent child into this.

ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 11:15

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

How fucking dare he.
You had nothing to apologise for.
You don't owe this man your labour. You don't need his permission to apply for jobs, or to work anywhere you choose.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

You don't have to do anything of the sort.
It's uncomfortable to read how well under his control he has made you.
Your instincts have been telling you to get out for a long time now.
That job could be your ticket to freedom.
At the very least it will signal to him that he is not in charge of your working life!

Don't throw your job away. It will be a lifeline for you, being able to work with a group of people who are not coercively controlling you.

Are you feeling sick because he will be angry or threatening again when you refuse to throw your new job away on his orders?

Eddielzzard · 08/11/2021 11:16

Has he asked why you want to leave his company? Has he tried to find solutions that would make it bearable for you? Or is it all about him?

You HAVE a chance right now. TAKE it. Listen to your inner voice, it is completely on your side. He is on HIS side. Not yours.

FatCatThinCat · 08/11/2021 11:16

If he were genuinely concerned about your happiness he'd encourage you to give this job a go and hold the door open for if you want to come back.

Ihaveroyallyscrewedup · 08/11/2021 11:16

You are in this fog because he has been controlling everything about your life down to when you wash yourself for years, he has taken away your autonomy until the point where you agree with everything he says when he is there but when he is away you start thinking for yourself again, there is hope.
I do remember you said your father suspected it was bad and tried to talk to you about it and that if he was there now he would help you, he may no longer be able to but others will, call women’s aid, get help, take this job, you can leave today, you can pack a bag and walk away, you can be free.

ModMajGeneral · 08/11/2021 11:17

OP, you need to leave.

ChargingBuck · 08/11/2021 11:18

I think he will ask me to see proof. I don't think I can just say I rejected it.

What would happen if you laughed at him, & told him he is being ridiculous to assume he has any say over where you choose to work?

Are you scared of him?

TatianaBis · 08/11/2021 11:20

.He has trust issues and I handle the finances and access to the business bank account and he doesn't think he will be able to find anyone else he trusts to do that, so if I don't do it then it will mean he has to reduce the business down to just him.

No he can just get an accountant.

HotSauceCommittee · 08/11/2021 11:21

I recognise you and your posts, OP. You need to get out of the house, stay elsewhere and accept the job.
He's gaslighting you, he talks you round, you stay until you are miserable again.
Please don't waste your life and keep yourself safe.

TatianaBis · 08/11/2021 11:21

OP rather than reversing, you need to accelerate forwards.

The job is rumbled, so now is the time to end the relationship.