Page 5 | DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

oatmilk4breakfast · 08/11/2021 10:23

Please don't give up on the job. I think I recognise your 'voice' from another thread. His trust issues are exactly that, HIS issues. You are being controlled. I wonder if you could even reach out to HR at your new job - because it's yours - you got it! Maybe they could help you leave. Does anyone have any advice or experience of this? Coercive control is a crime. If you let them, I'm sure people can help you. Maybe your new employers could even fake the proof of your rejection for you? You need to prioritise getting away so you can take time to process what's been happening to you. He does not get to tell you how you live your life. You get one life. And it doesn't belong to him!

pointythings · 08/11/2021 10:23

Please, please take the job. I remember your original thread and posted on it. If your husband loved you and cared for you, he would support you. You are under no obligation to work for his company, you are an independent adult and allowed to develop your career in your own direction. Take the job - his reaction to all of this shows that your husband does not have your best interests at heart.

HarrisonStickle · 08/11/2021 10:24

OP

He understands, he just doesn't want you to escape from his control.

Please make this the job that you finally take! You rejected the last one, you know you need to leave him. Our advice is never going to change because he's an abuser, and we want you to be happy and live a life free from fear and control.

violetbunny · 08/11/2021 10:24

If he has trust issues which mean no one else can do your role, that is ON HIM. He is the one with the issues. You are not the one who should feel guilty here.

Please, please take the job and RUN.

Justilou1 · 08/11/2021 10:25

You do not exist simply as a series of functions to assist his life or further his business. Go for the job and get the fuck out of this marriage.

Megalameg · 08/11/2021 10:25

A lot of people are calling your DH controlling for being upset about your job but applying for a job without telling your partner is a pretty weird thing for a happily married couple to do, so I’m not going to jump straight to that. Especially if you work for him and your quitting and he wasn’t aware you were unhappy. I can’t really blame him for being upset when it’s obvious that this job is a step toward leaving him.

However the cats out of the bag, so you should take the job as your marriage really isn’t going to get better from this point. Being in two minds about leaving your husband, secret jobs - it’s not exactly a recipe for happiness in a marriage.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 08/11/2021 10:29

I remember you from previous threads as well. I always look out for you hoping that I'll read that you left. You need to take the job. He is horrendously controlling. Please take the job and have your own life away from him. His responses are demonstrative of just how controlling and self absorbed he is.

Alcemeg · 08/11/2021 10:30

Sorry OP, haven't RTFT but just wanted to comment on your original post.

I had been making a plan to leave DH...
You didn't imagine all the stresses that brought you to that point. It's a decision you wouldn't have made lightly. No doubt you minimised your feelings for as long as you could, but ended up knowing (as much as you CAN know, when riddled with self-doubt) that they were worth acting on.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because ... I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways.
But there must be plenty of ways he's NOT good to you, and plenty of ways you DON'T have a good life... see above! Also, feeling conflicted over everything is a natural consequence of having your life dictated by someone else. You comply as best you can, to minimise conflict, but a little voice refuses to be silenced...

I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times.
I'm guessing he belittles you for anything that goes against what he wants, so you've lost (or never acquired) confidence in your own judgement.

I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.
See, I knew it! 😉
Keep listening to that voice! You will be so grateful, one day, that you did.
If you turn down this job, by the way, that little voice is not going to go away. I know you wish it would.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.
There we go, I knew that's what he'd be doing. And so did you. That's why you had to go behind his back. I'm guessing that crying and apologising, and agreeing to what HE wants, has become second nature to you.

Congratulations on finding your dream job! It's the first step to waking up out of this nightmare.

urbanbuddha · 08/11/2021 10:32

His business is everything to him. He said it was the same as me basically cheating on him, it was that big of a betrayal. He has trust issues and I handle the finances and access to the business bank account and he doesn't think he will be able to find anyone else he trusts to do that, so if I don't do it then it will mean he has to reduce the business down to just him.

This is coercive control. It's a form of domestic abuse.

Take the job. Leave him. Contact Women's Aid or Refuge for support.

AnyFucker · 08/11/2021 10:32

he can't understand it at all

Of course he can’t. If abusive people “understood” what they were doing they would be forced to stop.

This is your chance, op. Very likely your final one. It is highly concerning you are still thinking with your husband’s mindset instead of your own. Give way now and you weaken your position massively.

Alcemeg · 08/11/2021 10:33

@Megalameg

A lot of people are calling your DH controlling for being upset about your job but applying for a job without telling your partner is a pretty weird thing for a happily married couple to do, so I’m not going to jump straight to that. Especially if you work for him and your quitting and he wasn’t aware you were unhappy. I can’t really blame him for being upset when it’s obvious that this job is a step toward leaving him.

However the cats out of the bag, so you should take the job as your marriage really isn’t going to get better from this point. Being in two minds about leaving your husband, secret jobs - it’s not exactly a recipe for happiness in a marriage.

applying for a job without telling your partner is a pretty weird thing for a happily married couple to do

I think that's because they're not happily married and the power is held entirely by him. It's no coincidence that OP works for him, and the job is not the only way she works for him. Acting with any kind of autonomy in this kind of relationship is like tunneling out of a prison camp. You have to hide the spoons and the earth.

Ihaveroyallyscrewedup · 08/11/2021 10:34

Apologies if I’m wrong but I think you are the poster who is only allowed to shower at specific times and only when he has given you permission to do so, has to sit with him at all all times even when he’s working from home and go to bed when he tells you to.
This man is abusive, because he feared you were slipping from his grip he was briefly “nicer” to you, his abusive behaviour will now ramp up again, he is abusive and he is dangerous, please leave, you can do it, it may feel like you don’t have the strength right now, it’s frightening but you are a prisoner right now and this job is the first step to becoming free.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/11/2021 10:35

Please take the job OP.
What was the rest of your plan to leave? If you need help please speak to a refuge.
You deserve to be happy and calm and at peace

Immaculatemisconception · 08/11/2021 10:36

He has no right to be angry at you @SecretJob. It’s your life and your decision, take the job and leave him. 💐

Callixte · 08/11/2021 10:37

Take the job: it sounds like you really want it for its own sake and not only for the independence it offers you. But don't lie to him about it.

Tell him once you have accepted and assure him you'll leave your current job with him as you would any other job, as a professional. The new job will normally understand that you need to give notice at your old job and that will usually be a few weeks. Assuming you're not in a situation where you need to cut ties right away for your safety, I'd try to keep leaving the job professional: offer to help find and train a replacement, and/or offer to help him switch sensitive tasks so that he handles those, and maybe he offloads some of his less confidential work to a new employee. Just be clear on your end date, as you would with any job.

I understand he's surprised that you kept it a secret especially as it impacts him not just as your husband but as your employer. But if he were just your employer, of course you would have had to keep it a secret. It's pretty common for bosses to have a somewhat negative (and sometimes surprisingly emotional) reaction to a trusted long-term employee leaving even when there's no personal relationship, and sometime it's handled badly, so there may be an element of that here too.

His getting angry isn't helpful; in a healthy relationship he'd understand you need change and growth and would support you. This relationship sounds like its too far gone to reconcile - I'm getting that mainly from the replies that mention your other posts - but normally you might find separating out the work aspect helps by giving you both some distance and balance.Trust your gut about leaving (the marriage), but it sounds like you've been determined to go for quite some time, so here's your chance if you want it.

Nyancat · 08/11/2021 10:37

Him saying that he doesn't trust anyone else to do the job is not your problem. If it's true then it's an issue for him to work through, if he wants his business to work. If its not true then him saying so is simply a means to control you.
Take the job! Grab it with both hands!

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 08/11/2021 10:38

What was your plan?
You applied for the job and got it. So your start date would have been fairly soon.
Would he not have behaved in exactly the same way then?
Are you sure this is not fear of taking that final step? Leaving your emails open so he could see them may have been subconscious self sabotage?

BlusteringBoobies · 08/11/2021 10:38

This stood out to me from your opening post OP
He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways.

No one in a happy and balanced marriage would say this. You are clutching to find reasons to stay and put up with it

Don't. Take the job and continue with your plans. You can do this.

Ourlady · 08/11/2021 10:41

@Megalameg

A lot of people are calling your DH controlling for being upset about your job but applying for a job without telling your partner is a pretty weird thing for a happily married couple to do, so I’m not going to jump straight to that. Especially if you work for him and your quitting and he wasn’t aware you were unhappy. I can’t really blame him for being upset when it’s obvious that this job is a step toward leaving him.

However the cats out of the bag, so you should take the job as your marriage really isn’t going to get better from this point. Being in two minds about leaving your husband, secret jobs - it’s not exactly a recipe for happiness in a marriage.

The husband is controlling and stifling, OP has posted a few threads on her awful life with him. Take your dream job OP, you deserve to have a life outside of that monster you are married to.

sunshinesupermum · 08/11/2021 10:41

This is your opportunity to be free of your controlling husband. Please take the job and make plans to leave ASAP for your own mental health. His company his trust issues are not your problem.

Chippymunks · 08/11/2021 10:42

Take the job

YukoandHiro · 08/11/2021 10:43

OP, have you posted before? Did you say that he'd never allowed you to have a job outside the home/his business?

Go back to that thread. He's an abuser. You need to find the strength to live life on your own terms.

Can you find somewhere to go while you're separating?

SheWoreYellow · 08/11/2021 10:43

Is there anyone you could stay with for a few weeks until you get your first pay check?

Can you pack a couple of suitcases and just go today?

You could do that you know.

onlychildhamster · 08/11/2021 10:43

I feel so sad reading this.

There is no obligation for you to work in any job you don't want to work in, whether its owned by your husband, father, mother, whatever.

Please take the job.

Alcemeg · 08/11/2021 10:46

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves
Leaving your emails open so he could see them may have been subconscious self sabotage?

True! Or, imagine, in a lovely new world where things work to OP's advantage for a change, wouldn't it be great if this was the Little Voice's way of getting things out into the open and expressing her decision?

Stick to your guns, OP. He will make things as difficult as possible for you, in all kinds of ways. Just remember it is not your job to sit there and take it. You can find somewhere else to go.

You don't deserve to be attacked for having finally acted in your own interests. You deserve support and encouragement.

You probably feel very isolated and ashamed. Is there anyone in real life who you could spend some quiet time with while you work through this crisis? Someone you feel safe with, who you can trust not to demand answers to difficult questions? If I were your friend I would be only too happy to help, even if you hadn't been in touch for a long time. (People can often see more than you think, from outside a relationship.)