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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

884 replies

SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:12

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ImUninsultable · 08/11/2021 09:32

Take the job. Stick to the plan. A supportive husband wouldnt control what job you're allowed to do and wouldnt force you to turn down something you clearly want.

Leave him. You had a plan. Keep going with it. He doesnt get to control you anymore. You have a job. You have financial independence. This is your route out. If you stay, he's going to be checking your emails and keeping a tighter hold on you.

Hoppinggreen · 08/11/2021 09:32

No, you have to take the job
Even if you don’t leave him it will give you some independence.
Tell him you will take the job, the question is whether you take it and leave him or take it and stay - tell him that

ferrypenguin · 08/11/2021 09:32

Take the job, please

steppemum · 08/11/2021 09:33

Just seen your post about him wanting proof.

That's really controlling, and a massive red flag

EdmontinaDancesWithOphelia · 08/11/2021 09:33

20 minutes since your OP - surely there’s time for us to persuade you that you must take the job.

You’re so fortunate to have been offered one and must have made some effort to get it. How will you feel tomorrow if you allow all that hope and energy to go to waste?

And you know he won’t allow you to apply for any other job? Honestly, this is too much, and too important, to give up.

Millions of women work. In jobs not controlled by their husbands. There’s nothing unusual or unacceptable about doing so. Anyone who tells you otherwise really, really does not want you to thrive.

Please do not cancel your job.

ImUninsultable · 08/11/2021 09:33

He doesnt get to see proof.

Do you understand that he has no right to do this to you? Do you understand that you do not need his permission? Do you understand that you dont owe him any proof because you have done thing wrong?

Take the job. Leave him.

GoGoGretaDoll · 08/11/2021 09:34

I think you have to be very brave and not only take the job, but leave. Your comment about needing 'proof' is very telling - he's not going to let this rest and is going to bully you relentlessly until you give the job up, isn't he?

I think you need to grab your documents and go, today. You can work the rest of it out once you're safe.

ftw163532 · 08/11/2021 09:35

Take the job and leave him.

If you're that frightened of what he will do then call the police.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 08/11/2021 09:36

I haven't seen any previous threads, I dont think.

What do you think would happen if you went back to him and said 'I have decided to take the job. I feel it is time to develop my career/ skills/ stretch myself. I didn't keep it quiet for any reason other than this was something I really needed to do for myself and wasn't feeling very confident about it. I would like to be open now though. I will of course give you a month's notice to find cover for the business.'?

Please, please take the job though. No reasonable partner would insist you didn't, even if they were put out that you'd not told them you were applying. The fact that he would ask for proof is even worse- how controlling and suspicious?!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2021 09:37

You do not need to show him proof; that is also controlling of him if he did ask you for such.

Original poster
SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:37

@steppemum

of course as a partner we might be disappointed or surprised if our partner applied for a job in secret.

But that is not a reason to stop them taking the job, is it?

His reaction is not normal, it is over the top.

You need to really understand that, because you are responding to him as if he has the right to be so angry.

Take the Job.
please.

I do feel like he has a right to be angry. I knew he would be. His business is everything to him. He said it was the same as me basically cheating on him, it was that big of a betrayal. He has trust issues and I handle the finances and access to the business bank account and he doesn't think he will be able to find anyone else he trusts to do that, so if I don't do it then it will mean he has to reduce the business down to just him.
OP posts:
Eechuffingnuff · 08/11/2021 09:37

I think I remember you from other threads but I can't remember if you have children?

I think you need to just leave, as soon as possible now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2021 09:37

How can you be helped here into leaving this man?.

SprayedWithDettol · 08/11/2021 09:38

Leave. Take the job. He will punish you for this betrayal if you stay.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/11/2021 09:40

Re your comment:-
"I do feel like he has a right to be angry. I knew he would be. His business is everything to him. He said it was the same as me basically cheating on him, it was that big of a betrayal. He has trust issues and I handle the finances and access to the business bank account and he doesn't think he will be able to find anyone else he trusts to do that, so if I don't do it then it will mean he has to reduce the business down to just him."

Why do you think he has a right to be angry?. He's really done a number on you here.

These are all huge red flags re him. He really does want to keep you on a tight leash given that he supposedly does not trust anyone else to do the business accounts etc. Its all BS from him, he is using that as yet another way to control you with.

interest12 · 08/11/2021 09:40

Take the job. Then you can decide on leaving the relationship or not later on if you are unsure.

tiredanddangerous · 08/11/2021 09:40

Take. The. Job. You will regret it forever if you don't.

ImUninsultable · 08/11/2021 09:40

That's not your problem.

He is saying that because he wants you in a position where you cannot leave. If his business is viable then there is no reason why he cannot hire staff. He just wants you on the cheap and he wants to control every aspect of your life. If you're the poster I'm thinking of and have posted about him and the job set up before then you need to leave.

You have a real chance now. You have a job. His business is not your problem. He does not get to control your life like this.

What help do you need to leave? What can we say?

Original poster
SecretJob · 08/11/2021 09:40

@EdmontinaDancesWithOphelia

20 minutes since your OP - surely there’s time for us to persuade you that you must take the job.

You’re so fortunate to have been offered one and must have made some effort to get it. How will you feel tomorrow if you allow all that hope and energy to go to waste?

And you know he won’t allow you to apply for any other job? Honestly, this is too much, and too important, to give up.

Millions of women work. In jobs not controlled by their husbands. There’s nothing unusual or unacceptable about doing so. Anyone who tells you otherwise really, really does not want you to thrive.

Please do not cancel your job.

I am so fortunate. I worked so hard on it. It's a really good job - it was the one I wanted most. I described it to my counsellor as my realistic dream job.

Millions of women work. In jobs not controlled by their husbands. There’s nothing unusual or unacceptable about doing so.

I know. I struggle with this so much. I don't think it's too much to want this but he can't understand it at all.

OP posts:
Pumpkinsonparade · 08/11/2021 09:40

Stay. And be punished forever more for daring to betray him
Or take the job. And answer to yourself only..

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/11/2021 09:41

OP this is your chance for an escape route to a better life. Please don't give it up.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 08/11/2021 09:41

Don't make that call OP!!
Take the job!!!

frazzledasarock · 08/11/2021 09:42

Have you posted before and everoyne supported you to apply for a teaching job? Or teacher training, it's been your dream?

You H is controlling and abusive and you have no access to money or freedom.

Take the job and go!

Do you have family or friends you could stay with?

sarahc336 · 08/11/2021 09:42

Take the job op!!!!!!

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/11/2021 09:42

I don't think it's too much to want this but he can't understand it at all.

He doesn't have to understand it. This is about what YOU want.