DH found out about a job I applied for in secret

[SecretJob]

I had been making a plan to leave DH and I managed to get a job but they're still doing all the background etc checks so not started yet. DH found out about the job this weekend. I stupidly left my emails open and he saw it. I currently work for DH's business.

I have been feeling really conflicted over everything because things have been going well between us, I've been having some counselling which is helping me and I'm feeling a lot happier and calmer and I was doubting myself if I should leave or not anyway. He's good to me in a lot of ways and we have a really nice life in a lot of ways. I find it hard to make decisions or to know what I want at the best of times. I love him and we've been together a long time and I don't want to leave him, but at the same time I can't ignore that I have had this voice in my head for a while now telling me to apply for jobs, make plans, etc.

He was so angry when he found out about the job I'd got (understandably really as I'd done it behind his back), and I cried and apologised and ended up agreeing to not take the job.

I have to contact the new job today to let them know and I feel like I can't do it. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

I have to step away from the thread but will be back as soon as I can to read the rest of the comments/respond.

If you really think he will ask you for proof, that should tell you everything you need to know.

Please take the job. He's controlling you. Whether you decide you want to leave him or not, would it not be really good to have some element of your life that isn't under his control?

Well done on the job offer !

He said it was the same as me basically cheating on him, it was that big of a betrayal

Just because he says something doesn’t make it true.

Think about that statement. Choosing to do a job you want is as big a betrayal as an affair. Clearly that’s nonsense.

Please take the job.

I recognise you from the snippets you’ve given. Your DH is very controlling and demanding. He controls your every move even your bedtimes doesn’t he? You must get away from him and a new job outside of the business is a first step.

Please, please take the job.

OP I'm sure I recognise you from previous threads. That says a lot because there are so many threads on MN.

Take this job.

He has convinced you that his feelings, needs and wants are the only things that matter in your relationship. You even feel guilty for having anything at all for yourself. His need to build his life totally around his work, is just that, his need. You do not owe him the rest of your life to facilitate this.

Take this job and leave him. He's already taken up too much of your life.

working for your H you own nothing everything is in his name, in the event of a divorce he can pretend he doesn't earn much you'd get a pittance in return for all the years dedicated to running his business.

Do not give up this job.

SecretJob

re your comment:-
" I don't think it's too much to want this but he can't understand it at all".

Indeed it is not too much to want this. He does not want to understand nor will ever understand that you are entitled to a life including this job outside of him. You are but a possession to him to pick up and otherwise put down as he sees fit.

My guess too is that one of his parents acts very similarly to he. He does this because he can and he's learnt that it works for him. He has made you over the years quiet and utterly subservient to him and now you are in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Did you even ask to be involved in his business or were you pushed into it?

Do you get paid fairly,get breaks,annual leave etc?

I'm betting you don't.

What about the division of labour in the home;does he do his fair share of cooking,cleaning,childcare etc?

Stand up for yourself;Tell him you don't want to work for him anymore and you want to take a job you want to actually do.

I don't think it's too much to want this but he can't understand it at all.

He’s not going to understand it because it’s not in his own interests to understand it. Stop thinking you can reason with this man. Take the job and get out.

I would not only take the job, I would pack a bag of essentials, irreplaceable valuables (including photos, videos, precious gifts, cards and any mementos including re: the kids) and documents and move in with family or friends immediately - if you have kids, take them with you.

This is your chance to get out, he knows this which is why he's trying to thwart your bid for freedom. Be living elsewhere by your 1st day on the job or he will sabotage you every way he can.

@HundredMilesAnHour

I don't think it's too much to want this but he can't understand it at all.

He doesn't have to understand it. This is about what YOU want.

This. If you are so worried about managing his emotions this is a very good sign that leaving is the right choice.

OP, I rarely post, but please, DO take this job. You can do this. And if he is angry with you, so what?

Take the job, let him be angry - but you will have your own job and the first bit of independence. Please, don't let him take that away from you.

You Can Do This

Is the job local or will it involve relocation?
Can you take the job and stay together, or is it obvious from it's location that taking it means leaving him?

Tell him that you don't want to work for him any more (hand in your formal notice).

I hope you do decide to take the job, OP. You know he's coercing you. Do you have any real life help?

How long have you been with him? Do you have children together?

Does he pay you a salary (that you actually get, not just on paper as a tax dodge) for the work you do for his business? Or does he expect you to work unpaid for his profit?

It's not your problem that he has "trust issues". He either overcomes them and hires someone to do his financial admin, or he outsources another part of the business and does it himself.

Oh, and take a copy of the business financials if you can. You'll need this to provide valuation, business earnings and his own expected earnings in the divorce - this will prevent him minimising his earnings later.

The threat of your husbands displeasure shouldn’t be enough to stop you from choosing how you live your life. Think of how many of our waking hours we spend at work. Don’t act as if he owns you. Don’t let him own you. You get to chose where you work. All you have to do is accept the job, tell your partner you’ve accepted the job and that is that. His emotional reaction is not your responsibility. He can make life difficult for weeks or months but at the end of that you’ll still have your lovely new job.

What on earth is so secret in those work files that they cannot be entrusted to another paid employee?

I hope you’re not putting yourself in trouble, OP. If the business is legitimate it should be open to scrutiny and there should be no problem whatsoever in his employing another staff member.

The fact is, your husband is lying, in order to keep you under his strict control.

This is not love.

The fact he accused you of ADULTERY for wanting a job that doesn’t involve him being in charge is EXACTLY the reason why you should take the job. You are married to a bully. Take the job. He is quite frankly ridiculous if he’s going to close the business because he can’t find and employ an accountant which millions of businesses world wide have. You know this OP. You have to stand up to him. Yes it’s hard but you got the job. You did it. You want a different life than wasting it on this bully boy. You can do this

Please take the job. You had to keep this a secret from him for a good reason, you knew how he'd react. It sounds like you've worked so hard on yourself by having counselling and going through the application process to get the job. It would be such a shame to undo all of that for some angry shouty man. Keep going and do whatever you need to do to keep moving forward.

OP, his views are not fact. This is nothing like cheating. Has he cheated previously and is trying to draw an equivalence? The trust issues are HIS problem, not yours. Please don't let him make them your problem and you devote any more of your life to easing his feelings when he needs to be more like you and access help with this.

He is being incredibly unrealistic. Business owners hire book keepers or accountants all the time. He has been lucky so far to have someone in the family to do that work but now you have another opportunity. That's life. He has to find someone else to do the finances. This is not a big deal to anyone but him.

If you're the same poster who has spoken about her husband before - about how you can't do anything without him, about how he controls everything about your day to day life together, and are struggling to conceive, please please please take this job and get out of there. You deserve so much better.

OP take the job, I am v techy and can send you a fake rejection email if needed please please please don’t let him bully you into remaining under his control!

why do you have to leave him?
take the job

You would be a bloody fool not to take that job.

I went through all of this shit with my ex. You don't realise how bad it is until you've gotten out and have the benefit of hindsight.

You need to ask yourself why someone who loves you and has your best interests at heart would try and force you to turn down what you have just described as your dream job.