Dating Thread 217: Is it burning bright or fizzling out?

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I'm not sure I'm quite getting the Mr Stone thing? You know he wants more, yet you know you don't? But you invite him to spend time with you? And you're not honest about your dating? Could that not be giving him false hope? Or is he happy to be friend zoned? Could I be asking any more questions?

I've told him I'm not interested, he said he'd like to be friends as he likes hanging out with me. So I assume he's happy that he's friend zoned. If he has hope then it IS false but I think I've been clear with him.

I'm not "not honest" about my dating - I'm not dating anyone. I do chat on Tinder etc but until that turns into something there's nothing to tell anyway, I don't tell other friends. And no-one knows about MrWG (well, a couple of close friends), he seems to want it that way and it's just FB anyway, and it's my business.

I don't invite MrStone to spend time with me - he asks me. He invited himself away with me (three times he asked if he could come), I said no. He asked me to go for brunch the other weekend. I'm not going to ignore him if he texts or phones.

If I do date I expect I'd tell him.

He's in my walking group, I can't ignore him. And I've not yet told him about the party but I've invited four people (plus partners) from the group so far.

I know it's really difficult when you make friends with someone and it turns out they thought or hoped it was more and to you it isn't. With MrWG I first contacted him Oct last year, lots of suggestive texting, and met up Nov, and eventually he kissed me in April!

In other news, MrWG's op has not been 100% successful so he needs another one :(

[quote Isitreallyme177]@BelladiMamma Haha I messaged him on Friday and he hasn't read it. Bastard 😤🤨

I've just written a message to Mr Cricket (not sent though) but I've said his message hurt, but I don't why I was surprised as he had been distant for a while and always had an excuse not to meet up. Also that I'm not sure if he didn't know or just chose to ignore it but I had started to develop feelings for him (they started surfacing in September) I tried my hardest to ignore them. And that I don't know where we can go from here as right now I'm hurting and I'm not sure if I can handle seeing him as a friend, I don't want to lose him as a friend though but I need to get my head together.

Don't know whether to send it or just tell it to his face when we have this 'catch up' and walk away with my head held high, a stronger woman.[/quote]
Leave it 24 hours and review. It sounds like a good message but I think you need to be clear what outcome you want.

And after work tomorrow I'm meeting a guy I worked with nearly thirty years ago, not seen him for over twenty years, but he lives near where I am staying away and by the power of LinkedIn I got hold of him (not in a stalky way, been connected for years) and am meeting up. We did have a bit of a fling back then too.

[quote Isitreallyme177]@BelladiMamma Haha I messaged him on Friday and he hasn't read it. Bastard 😤🤨

I've just written a message to Mr Cricket (not sent though) but I've said his message hurt, but I don't why I was surprised as he had been distant for a while and always had an excuse not to meet up. Also that I'm not sure if he didn't know or just chose to ignore it but I had started to develop feelings for him (they started surfacing in September) I tried my hardest to ignore them. And that I don't know where we can go from here as right now I'm hurting and I'm not sure if I can handle seeing him as a friend, I don't want to lose him as a friend though but I need to get my head together.

Don't know whether to send it or just tell it to his face when we have this 'catch up' and walk away with my head held high, a stronger woman.[/quote]
@Isitreallyme177 sorry to hear your updates. I think that message sounds really great. It's honest/authentic. I reckon it would be good to send - but I agree with Bella probably best to wait 24 hours and see.

Sorry that should say Van Gogh not Bella!

@VanGoghsDog thank you. I do think it needs to be said because he would have had to be completely oblivious to not realise. I think my not even acknowledging his new relationship in my reply might give him a clue how I feel.

@PurpleStripyScarf thank you. I'm going leave it as you and VanGough suggested and have another think about what I want and can handle. My best friend is talking about drinking round hers on Saturday so it may be a drunken send on Saturday.

I think I'd want to reply "oh fuck off you idiot", but I'd leave it 24 hours and reply "have a good holiday, give me a call when you're back". Then I'd plan to try and have that talk over the phone.

I don't think you need to acknowledge the new relationship, he didn't do you the courtesy of letting you know about it earlier.

'Hi insert name here I have to admit that I'm surprised by your message about going away with a new girlfriend. That seems quick as only recently you'd said that you hadn't wanted to date? Also I was hoping that our friendship could have turned into something else. I feel like there must have been some signals that I missed? In any case I wish you well but I can't see us staying in touch, thanks again for your support over insert cat's name'

'Wow! You're going away with another woman? That's quick! I thought you'd only just moved out of your family home? Listen I hope you have rampant sex with her that then burns itself out in a bonfire of passion and you can't stand the sight of each other by the end of the week; but honestly I'm pretty pissed off as I get the impression now that you were keeping me dangling. Never mind, lesson learnt. I'll be deleting and blocking you. Bye.'

'Hey, I'm feeling a bit bruised by the fact that I've only just learnt that you've been seeing someone else. I feel like I haven't been treated with respect or friendship. I'm not really in the mood for staying in touch with you, given that background. See you around, xyz'

Just a few random thoughts 🤣🤣🤣 which I suggest you ignore @Isitreallyme177

🤣🤣 thanks both, to be honest that's what my friends have both said I should say. I'm too polite and nice and not sure my sarcasm would be appreciated🤣. It's an idea though 🤔.

I won't hog the thread tomorrow as I'm going shopping and then to the gym. Knowing how my week is going I'll bump into Computer Geek and his ex just to top it off.🙈🤣

Vangogh I bow to your mental clarity and honest approach to your relationships. You're clearly being up front with him so it's up to him what he wants to do with the information. I don't know why I doubted you!

isitreally I totally understand your need to tell him how you feel - I have been guilty of telling someone I loved them for the first time while they were dumping me. No tears and no illusions it would make him change his mind, I just needed him to know. We had been in an exclusive bf/gf relationship though. But what do you hope to achieve? The ship has sailed - even if it doesn't work out with this woman you would only ever be second choice and you're worth more than that - so what do you want to happen from sharing your feelings with him as he comes back from holiday with another woman? I suppose if you can make him feel shit and apologise to you that would be something... As long as it doesn't make you feel worse. It's all about you now, not him, not Computer Geek, you! And drunken nights with fabulous friends 🍾🥂

Yes! @Isitreallyme177, send something along Bella’s lines - when you’re ready, of course. And fuck worrying about spoiling his holiday. A that’s not your problem, and B it probably wouldn’t as he’s selfish.

Please be more selfish. If you don’t put yourself first, no-one else will. I believe selfish, yet respectful, is the way to go in life, but then I have now fully embraced my inner battleaxe 😂

I like this:

"Hey, I'm feeling a bit bruised by the fact that I've only just learnt that you've been seeing someone else. I feel like I haven't been treated with respect or friendship. I'm not really in the mood for staying in touch with you, given that background. See you around, xyz'"

I'm saving it for when MrWG lets me down somehow (which he will!).

I do think I need to be even clearer with MrStone. We're off to a comedy gig when I'm back from being away so I'll ensure things get cleared up then.

@VanGoghsDog

I like this:

"Hey, I'm feeling a bit bruised by the fact that I've only just learnt that you've been seeing someone else. I feel like I haven't been treated with respect or friendship. I'm not really in the mood for staying in touch with you, given that background. See you around, xyz'"

I'm saving it for when MrWG lets me down somehow (which he will!).

I do think I need to be even clearer with MrStone. We're off to a comedy gig when I'm back from being away so I'll ensure things get cleared up then.

I do think I need to be even clearer with MrStone. We're off to a comedy gig when I'm back from being away so I'll ensure things get cleared up then.

This is great. You got some very thoughtful feedback here and you're acting on it. Yay! Well done you. Both of you actually - @VanGoghsDog and @WeWantTheFinestWines - nicely handled by you both. Great that we can give/receive constructive feedback/challenge on this thread, as well as emotional support.

Talking of which. Can someone sort the new thread please 😊

@WeWantTheFinestWines that's what I want, I want him to realise to drop something like that into a message about moving house and asking me how I am and how my job is going and whether I went for that promotion at work, after ignoring me for nearly two weeks is not on. How the fuck does he think I'm going to be after that? Excuse the swearing. He cancelled on me for the cinema now i know why. He could have said it then not 10 days later, he shouldn't have agreed to that either if he was seeing someone.

@JustThisLastLittleBit thanks yes it's time to be a little selfish.

A lot selfish

I've started a new thread. Just working out how to post the link.

Dating Thread 218: The one where we're respectfully selfish - www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4405484-Dating-Thread-218-The-one-where-were-respectfully-selfish

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4405484-Dating-Thread-218-The-one-where-were-respectfully-selfish

I think I've done it. Come and join me!

[quote Isitreallyme177]@WeWantTheFinestWines that's what I want, I want him to realise to drop something like that into a message about moving house and asking me how I am and how my job is going and whether I went for that promotion at work, after ignoring me for nearly two weeks is not on. How the fuck does he think I'm going to be after that? Excuse the swearing. He cancelled on me for the cinema now i know why. He could have said it then not 10 days later, he shouldn't have agreed to that either if he was seeing someone.

@JustThisLastLittleBit thanks yes it's time to be a little selfish.[/quote]
Friends don't ignore you for two weeks, even if they are moving, and especially if you've got a job thing going on.

@VanGoghsDog you're right if a 'friend' messaged me about a promotion I wouldn't wait 2 weeks to ask them about it. If I agreed to do something I wouldn't then cancel after they got tickets (he didn't know they were free) with some lie about being asked to work (he told me they can't make him work on a Tuesday as its family day). He's been pretty fucking selfish.

Can I join?

Separated 4 years ago. Divorce finalised in March.

Tomorrow is date 3 with new guy. Nervy!

Date 2 was last week, but I turned up injured and he took me to hospital!!

What a week!