Dating Thread 217: Is it burning bright or fizzling out?

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@SortingItOut

Mr K's son has Covid, Mr K is not vaccinated🤬 So another 10 days of not seeing him. A few weeks ago we went 10 days without seeing each other due to my work and his fishing trip. I told him last week that when we don't see each other I feel like we're friends and not partners, he was a bit shocked.

Mr K is not happy about the 10 day thing (I told him I don't want to see him plus of course its the law) I told him that if he was vaccinated we wouldn't be in this position.....he didn't answer.

Lets see how I feel after 10 days....thank god for counselling 😂

At least you know it was totally out of his hands ... although as I say that, I'm sure it's annoying he's not vaccinated

And ... breathe!!

Thanks @BelladiMamma and @Eesha I'm trying to remain calm and tell myself that I'm probably blowing it out of proportion. @Isitreallyme177 he did seem quite poorly and he's not been ill since we've been together so don't know yet how he handles it!
I've tried to instigate a conversation but it's been left read. I'll leave it up to him to get in touch. Made a bit more difficult because I won't see him ftf until next week.
With Mr D I've made a conscious effort to just be completely myself. No white lies (eg "I'm fine!" when I'm not) but I'm wondering if this was the best approach so early on. Hoping I haven't blown it but if I have then I know I was being my authentic self and we just weren't compatible.
Need to catch up on everyone's news!

So I just got out the shower to a message from Mr Cricket. He moved in earlier than planned. But the kicker, and I actually thought I'd be alright with it, was he ever so casually put in that he's started seeing someone and they're going away for a week(nothing like jumping feet first into it, part of me hopes its awful). He still wants to meet me and hopes we can when he gets back in a weeks time. I don't think he ever had a fucking clue that I liked him more than a friend because the message was something you'd say to a friend not someone you knew had feelings for you. Oh well that'll teach me to be a chicken.

How do I say I can't? I don't want to hear about his relationship or his week away. Right now I'm licking my wounds and his message can stay unread for a good few hours.

The next thing is what the hell is wrong with me. Why don't men(other than the freaks and weirdos) want me.

Please no I told you so's either.

@Heartbeats0708, hopefully it’s Mr D being poorly that is causing you to feel a slight shift in how you interact. I think just check in with him regularly about how he’s feeling ( illness) and offer what practical support you can ( if you can ) like any medicine or shopping that he needs.
In terms of being honest and authentic, well ultimately when you have things happening in your life you need a partner that understands, even if some of what you are dealing with is being caused by your ex. I know some on the thread feel that keeping everything compartmentalised is best - and of course I don’t have an ex causing issues- but you are who you are and In your case you and Mr D are a few months into this. Once Mr D is better and you get the chance to speak FTF then maybe part of that conversation is agreeing how you approach times when the issue is related to previous partners.

@Isitreallyme177, no one is going to tell you’ I told you so’ because we care about each other’s welfare and this isn’t the outcome we wanted for you with Mr C.
I don’t know but my instinct with him going away with someone for a week is that she’s probably been on the scene longer than you realise.
And whilst on one level he’s not ‘played’ you, on another if he was a real friend he would have spoken more openly about his other dates etc. So whatever his motivation behind keeping that quiet he hasn’t been open with you.
It’ll no doubt sting for some time as you have been pretty focused on him.

@Isitreallyme177 I’m sorry you got that message from Mr Cricket, it must have been horrible to read. There’s nothing wrong with you, it just wasn’t to be this time. When you’re ready, either be breezy in your reply or be completely authentic about how this makes you feel. Either way, you need to close the door on him now I reckon.

@Isitreallyme177 Sorry to read of the message Mr Cricket sent, I know its not one you ever wanted to receive. Its good he's been honest and told you although I agree with @Onesmallstep67 that he might have been seeing her longer than he says.

Its fine to cry, wallow and grieve if you need to over this.

Feeling like no one wants you except the losers is common when you get this kind of text from someone you liked.
You have a really great life, the right person who enhances your life is out there somewhere but right now concentrate on yourself and be kind.

When you reply I would be honest that you can't stay friends and you wish him all the best.

Thanks I honestly don't think he has a clue I liked him more than a friend, he put it inbetween telling me about moving and then asking how I was, how work was going and whether I applied for that job. It was just thrown in the middle. But yeah I agree it's not a recent thing.

I don't know what to reply to him.

It came on a day I have to take the cat to the vet, just for her booster jabs but last time I took a cat to the vet she never came back. And I haven't been since.

Sorry to hear about mr cricket @Isitreallyme177
Everyone is different, but I prefer to get back on the horse so to speak in these situations

@Isitreallyme177 I'm also really sorry you received this text. I think he definitely knew you liked him but was happy just enjoying your company. It must have got to a point with his dating where he realised he needed to be more open with you hence he just dropped it in. A normal friend would have told you ages ago they were seeing someone.

What does set you apart from people I know who have been through similar is that you have loads going for you, a good job, hobbies and you sound like a fun person to be around. Maybe you need to properly dive into online dating and give people a chance more. You say you've only been on these two dates whereas it sounds like you could have been on more. You genuinely sound lovely. Personally I would reply and be quite nonchalant then not contact him again but the braver thing is to say you liked him but are happy things have worked out for him.

@Isitreallyme177, everything will be fine with taking your cat to the vets but I understand your feelings. I lost one of my cats in an accident last year and it has impacted my worry level hugely when one of them doesn’t appear if I call them in.
I think I would answer Mr Cricket at some point later, address the questions that he asked and in the midst of the text wish him a happy holiday and then leave it. I am not sure what would be gained from telling him that you had developed feelings and I don’t think that trying to be his friend knowing that you wanted more would be very easy. I think it’s best to walk away and leave this behind you. Sorting is right, there is the right person out there and if/when you feel ready have fun trying to find them- that could be read 2 ways but I mean it in the truest sense.

@Heartbeats0708 there is an awful bug going round, a few people I know have had it, I felt quite paranoid at one point as one of my best mates didn’t contact me for a good few days and I felt like id pissed her off but she resurfaced and said she was SO sick, delirious and everything, so try and wait to see how things are when he feels better… good luck.

Oh @Isitreallyme177 lovely, im so sorry… what a shitty message to receive. I just dont think he was the one for you sweet as he left you hanging for so long and you want someone to make the effort for you and feel wanted!! You deserve way more. Hugs xxx

@Eesha thank you that's really kind of you. I found OLD really not good for my mental health which is why I stopped it. I don't know whether that was a hangover from the Computer Geek stuff. Think what I need to do though is concentrate on myself for a bit, I need to get back to what I was like this time last year. Chocolate for breakfast today though won't help.

@Onesmallstep67 thanks I've just replied to him completely swerving the relationship. Said glad the move went well. Said i look forward to hearing about it. Said how busy I am with work at the moment, went into a bit of detail about what is happening at work.

@Shayelle2009 thank you.😘 I'm off to the gym later maybe they'll be some nice eye candy there.

Isitreally what a horrible kick in the gut. Despite everything said on here I know we were all rooting for you and hoping he'd realise how lucky he'd be to have you. So sorry it didn't turn out that way. I would have to go NC at this point, probably without letting him know how you feel as I can't see how that would help, just a slow fade, as every message would just be adding salt to the wound. Maybe a break from dating just to focus on yourself and then a fresh start when Mr C is a more distant memory. Sending you hugs and 💐

@Isitreallyme177 so sorry to hear about the message.

I had a lot of fun last night, probably drank too much but it was nice, I'd see him again. We did say we would but the ball is in his court. He's respecting my guidelines I.e public dates first none of this stay over on the first night like the creep last week. But I am not getting my hopes up too much.

@WeWantTheFinestWines thank you. After the initial shock I'm okay at the moment, just throwing myself into something I've been meaning to do since September. Frame my Isle of Wight festival poster, I couldn't get a border to fit so am making my own (having to remember my DT GCSE with a cutting knife and cutting board this morning😆). But yes my plan is to work on myself so maybe in the new year (or sooner) I can get back out there and give the best me. Starting with hitting the gym this afternoon.

Gutted for you @Isitreallyme177 and not sure whether or not I'd come clean about my feelings.
Glad the date went well @Dazedandconfused10 hope he gets in touch, shouldn't be a plus not to push for home dates so soon but it is, I get that.
Briefly spoken to Mr D. He seems adamant it's tired/ill/work stress and was giving me space to work through ex stuff. I'm not going to push it without some face to face context but I can feel my barriers going up. I didn't want space, I wanted support and felt/was ignored. That's the crux of it.
Appreciate the words @Onesmallstep67 and it's certainly a conversation that we need to have.
Whoever is in my life long term is going to be affected in some way by my ex; I don't necessarily want over interest in what went wrong because that's been and gone, but current issues re DC are a priority for me. I don't even want advice especially, just a listening ear and to feel heard.

@Isitreallyme177 sorry to hear the news! Sending you a huge hug and hoping you've an easy rest of the day ahead. A good gym session will no doubt help. Channel those crazy feelings into extra reps! And definitely think about getting back out there at some point! The butterfly feelings will return likely when you least expect it. Totally agree that you've a really nice life and i can't wait to meet up with you in February! I think we'll really get on!

@Heartbeats0708 i'm surprised by your last post about MrD really unexpected. But try not to over-think... which is 'oh so easy to do right'. And again it's this whole messaging shenanigans which take control. The read/unread, blue ticks, last seen online stuff which is so unhealthy. But i've no idea how to take control back either. Nothing more annoying/frustrating that waiting on reply when you know they've seen the text. I hope when you're next together you get to chat properly you seemed to have a good thing going!

Well i'm slipping back into my old ways with magnet-man! So clearly my will-power is non-existent! As much as i am trying to think i can handle a FWB situation i'm thinking i'm not as capable as i thought. I think feelings are developing again for him. I know we can't really see each other anymore than we are at the moment and we are in contact all the time. He's really reassuring, we had the 'exclusivity' chat so not seeing other people and i trust him he's being honest but then i question if maybe i'm being really naive. I'm just not sure what it is i am hoping for. If i no longer see him i don't want to see anyone else but thing is i don't want to not see him. He's said he'll try get this weekend sorted when he's got time off around Christmas, but so far no dates to consider... and i'm leaving the ball is in his court for that! I love my little escape/adventures to find him and don't want these to stop but i can't help but think 'what am i dooooooing?' ...

thanks again everyone. I just told my best friend and said "I don't know how he thinks meeting me even just for coffee is a good idea(unless he had no clue I like him more than a friend). What would his new girlfriend make of it". Her comment was "he knew and no it's not a good idea". I'm just so confused because he told me to my face in September that he wasn't going to start a relationship until his divorce was sorted and now he is taking her away for a week.

@Onesmallstep67 the cat is fine, the drama queen that she is made such a fuss but she is now on a diet as she is 5.8kg.

@Naimee87 looking forward to meeting you too think we will get on great. Seem to like the same sort of things!

I thought I'd share this article from The Sun
www-thesun-co-uk.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/16771780/man-presents-date-with-exit-survey-how-night-went/amp/?amp_gsa=1&amp_js_v=a6&usqp=mq331AQIKAGwASCAAgM%3D#amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&aoh=16372413517038&csi=0&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.thesun.co.uk%2Ffabulous%2F16771780%2Fman-presents-date-with-exit-survey-how-night-went%2F

@Isitreallyme177 I think him saying he didn't want to start a new relationship was codespeak for "I'm still swiping to see what I can find" and he's not stupid, he knew you liked him, but it's fun to ignore the serious stuff and spend time with someone you know likes you and is safe in that respect. But unfortunately you were the one getting hurt because you became the fall back girl. I've personally decided next time I date, I'm going to mirror someone's effort with me as I always give a lot more.

@Isitreallyme177 sending you a big hug and some I think Eesha has summed it all up well, please don't feel down, treat yourself to something, you deserve it

@Eesha
Nothing fixed yet from Ms Sunglasses, She's been having a difficult time at work and then juggling home. Still wants to meet and messages me everyday

@Isitreallyme177

So sorry this has impacted on you. He could have been more open with you I think.

I hope I am more thoughtful to MrStone, I know he finds me attractive and wants more than I do. I don't tell him anything about my dating (such as it is!) and that's also why I don't want him and MrWG at my Christmas party.

But I also wouldn't out of the blue tell him I was going away with someone. This weekend I just told him I had a friend staying with me (which was true).

@StartingAgain6369 thank you. I'm going to go blonde again that is my treat, sort my hair out as I was growing the blonde out. I've just hit the gym too. If, and it's a big if, I'm going to see him again then I need to be in the right headspace and that means the gym sessions have to be upped.

@VanGoghsDog thank you I just find it all a bit quick. And to then suggest going for coffee and a proper catch up when he gets back (he even mentioned in 7 days time).

Oh and he has just moved 10 minutes from me, my town is his closest town, my gyms are his closest gyms, my Tesco/Waitrose are his closest. I'm going to bump into him.

@Isitreallyme177, glad to hear that puss’ visit to the vet went smoothly. 😻
Things are getting serious with Mr V and we’ve made a big commitment - I’ve put him on my car insurance 😂. He isn’t always bothered about drinking when we go out so it makes sense to have him covered to drive my car. I made a comment about hoping we don’t split up now and he told me not to even think that way.