Dating Thread 217: Is it burning bright or fizzling out?

[Heartbeats0708]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

DEF CON 5 alert 🚨

MrA has 2 friends from home staying in his flat tonight, 2 girlfriends.

He's going to be home later than us and I will have to spend an hour with them whilst he finishes at work.

Am now feeling a little bit nervous. Fuck.

Welcome @blueeeWKD

Thanks SpringlikeBunk & BelladiMamma

Never been in a relationship or with anyone before and could do with some advice.

A guy (I'll call him Mr Books) started at my workplace a few weeks ago, very quiet and shy, not my usual type but very cute in his own way. Kept smiling/looking at each other every morning and it was obvious there was something there. I'm very shy too so got my friend to give him my number a few days ago. He texted me soon after he finished his shift that day and we went out a couple of nights ago for food, drinks & a walk. We were out for quite a long time and got along really well. He's nice, sweet, funny etc. Had a great time and I really liked him, and then he kissed me and I suddenly felt like backing right off. No idea why. Not sure if it's because I'm entirely new to dating or because I'm not as into him as I thought I was? But now I feel like I've gone off him a bit and I feel awful because he's a genuinely lovely guy.

I want to see him again because we get on really, really well. But at the same time I know that going out will lead to another kiss and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Maybe see him again and see how it goes? I mean you don't have to kiss him if you don't want to!

@BelladiMamma

DEF CON 5 alert 🚨

MrA has 2 friends from home staying in his flat tonight, 2 girlfriends.

He's going to be home later than us and I will have to spend an hour with them whilst he finishes at work.

Am now feeling a little bit nervous. Fuck.

Why can't you just go an hour later?

I wouldn't fancy that at all myself.

@VanGoghsDog I hear you and I was tempted to do that. But I've talked myself down and decided that it's part of the process.

Checking in.

Happily watching the rugby on TV. As for irons who knows what Mr Cricket is but I'll take the whole of the England Rugby team any day, especially Ben Youngs and Owen Farrell.

I think you can learn about someone by spending time with their friends so that's what I'm hoping to get out of it. I'm just giving in to the process.

@blueeeWKD welcome

@BelladiMamma ok ....... are they girls who are friends or do you think they are girlfriends ?

@blueeeWKD

Thanks SpringlikeBunk & BelladiMamma

Never been in a relationship or with anyone before and could do with some advice.

A guy (I'll call him Mr Books) started at my workplace a few weeks ago, very quiet and shy, not my usual type but very cute in his own way. Kept smiling/looking at each other every morning and it was obvious there was something there. I'm very shy too so got my friend to give him my number a few days ago. He texted me soon after he finished his shift that day and we went out a couple of nights ago for food, drinks & a walk. We were out for quite a long time and got along really well. He's nice, sweet, funny etc. Had a great time and I really liked him, and then he kissed me and I suddenly felt like backing right off. No idea why. Not sure if it's because I'm entirely new to dating or because I'm not as into him as I thought I was? But now I feel like I've gone off him a bit and I feel awful because he's a genuinely lovely guy.

I want to see him again because we get on really, really well. But at the same time I know that going out will lead to another kiss and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Just tell him that you want to take it gently for a while, if is is really into you he will respect you wishes and boundaries. It take it you have kissed men before? As kissing girls is pretty great 👍🏼

[quote StartingAgain6369]@blueeeWKD welcome

@BelladiMamma ok ....... are they girls who are friends or do you think they are girlfriends ?[/quote]
They're friends who are girls - who are coming from his hometown to see the show.

The thought had crossed my mind but he's very upfront about sex so I doubt he's hiding anything.

I'm assuming they're not friends of his ex or significant exes themselves... starting from those assumptions then I think I'll be ok. If I don't like the vibe, I can always leave

@blueeeWKD I had an interesting conversation with a friend recently who said that her second husband and love of her life (whom she also met through work) was a terrible kisser the first time they had a date. It took her 3 weeks to see him again and obviously didn't regret it!

Wait, what Bella? He's invited you and another woman to his place tonight? So expecting a threesome? And you and a strange woman will be waiting together for him to come home? So you can all get it on? Or have I got this completely wrong? Are you ok with this?

Thanks for the thread Heartbeats!

Anything but y fronts.

FabulousMrFifty I kissed my first "boyfriend" when I was 12 and then drunkenly kissed a friend at 15 but that's it I'm 20 now so a bit of a late bloomer I guess.

BelladiMamma I don't even think it was a bad kiss, I just wasn't really expecting it and I didn't feel "it", you know? It might just take a bit more time for me to get used to it.

Blue welcome to the thread. Kissing is usually part of a relationship but should be enjoyable to both parties. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. If you spend more time with him you may feel differently about getting physical and if he's a good guy he'll understand. Good luck.

And it's lovely to hear from the blokes that a post-baby belly can still be sexy. I think we know this already but I'm not sure we always believe it, iyswim. There is nothing more sexy than confidence (not arrogance), but confidence also comes from feeling desired, so it's all connected.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Wait, what Bella? He's invited you and another woman to his place tonight? So expecting a threesome? And you and a strange woman will be waiting together for him to come home? So you can all get it on? Or have I got this completely wrong? Are you ok with this?

🤣🤣🤣 No, he has 2 friends coming to see the show from his hometown. They are women. He told me earlier in the week but it kinda washed over me, however he's now said we are all going back to his, he'll make us comfortable fetch us drinks, introduce us.

Then he has to go back to the theatre for one hour to finish off the filming for the film of the show that's going to be released.

I just had a wobble about spending one hour with two female friends of his I've never met. My friend who lives round the corner isn't in tonight, neither is my cousin who lives nearby. So I either get there really really late or I just go with the flow and sit which these two women whom I've never met and might be 1. Friends of his ex 2. Exes of his 3. Judgey girlfriends. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wasn't feeling great about it but then I just thought fuck it it's part of the process. If I hate his friends then I can cool things off.

The flat is massive and there are en suite bathrooms etc in every room so that it's quite private once everyone has gone to bed.

I know he's very social and he's not about to kick them out. Our arrangement has been made in snatched phone calls yesterday in between his 18 hour day.

If it's a car crash then so be it. It will tell me more about him.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

And it's lovely to hear from the blokes that a post-baby belly can still be sexy. I think we know this already but I'm not sure we always believe it, iyswim. There is nothing more sexy than confidence (not arrogance), but confidence also comes from feeling desired, so it's all connected.

This ^

I find the whole meeting friends scenario quite challenging early on. MrBear had no friends so it was always just us, which I found suffocating. The only people he wanted me to meet were his kids and we were only together about 9 weeks so that was totally inappropriate. The last week we were together i introduced him to some girl friends who both really liked him but I was beginning to find him really clingy by then so that made no difference.

I've been with guys who love to mention all these girlfriends they have, and triangulate you without allowing you to meet any of them. That's a really horrible thing too. I was very friendly with all my ex's friends and he with mine and now it's very much team Bella and team exh so that's also wierd and awkward.

It's just the whole meeting friends vibe. It's like the phone call last weekend from his best mate. I don't want to get too carried away with this girlfriend vibe as I'm aware it could all fall apart very quickly and I also want to be genuine with anyone I meet, in whatever circumstances. So I have to put my Bella big girl sexy pants on and hang out with these women for an hour. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I almost wish it was his male best friend who was coming along to hang out, it would feel less awkward somehow.

I'm going to wear all my bling and dress very demurely. Like a sort of Scottish widows type image.

@blueeeWKD
In that case maybe you should initiate a kiss, then you at least you won’t be taken by surprise

@WeWantTheFinestWines Yep

@BelladiMamma I’m sure it will be fine

@blueeeWKD

You never have to do anything you don’t want to do physically, with anyone, however experienced or old you are! Or even ten dates in. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to take things slower.

If you feel comfortable saying it you can politely mention when messaging to arrange the next date?

Something like “the kiss was great and I find you very attractive but I’d prefer to go a little slower on our next meet, which I’m looking forward to”.

Or just pull back and have a cuddle/say something like “that’s great but maybe a later date?”

I wouldn’t want to be “grabbed and kissed” on a first meet if I wasn’t feeling it as it’s quite an intense physical thing/you have to be in the right mood/moment for it?

If he’s a normal decent guy he’ll perfectly understand (and probably be horrified/embarrassed he’s made you feel a little uncomfortable or rushed you!).

I expect he may have thought you “expected” a kiss.

If he doesn’t take this well or gets angry or complains or tries to change your mind, you know to drop him.

@BelladiMamma

Agree it’s a bit intense - My introvert side would hate it and I’d feel it’s a bit too soon for getting that socially involved.

Is there an option to greet them warmly, look great and polite, make a good/mysterious first impression..?

then say you have a little bit of work to catch up on so you can then retreat to his room with a laptop or tablet and pop some headphones on?

Checking in. Zero irons

And the ex decided to get in touch last night just to add to my stress levels.

Don't you just love life sometimes

Can't remember who asked but definitely trunks, baggy boxers do nothing for me and pants do even less!

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

Agree it’s a bit intense - My introvert side would hate it and I’d feel it’s a bit too soon for getting that socially involved.

Is there an option to greet them warmly, look great and polite, make a good/mysterious first impression..?

then say you have a little bit of work to catch up on so you can then retreat to his room with a laptop or tablet and pop some headphones on?[/quote]
This is the option I'm aiming for. Let's see how it pans out x