Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

[sweetsinger]

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

• I don't like it
• If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
• I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

[RowanAlong]

Within your rights! Not tights 🤣🤣

[WoodyBrambles]

I once dated a ‘Groocock’ and the sniggering that went on with restaurant bookings etc was relentless. Thankfully we didn’t last but I can completely see where you’re coming from. Unfortunately anything with the word ‘cock’ in it is always going to attract unwanted attention. I would keep your name and it’s also a hell of a lot easier xx

[wannabeamummysobad]

Exactly what I was thinking @Branleuse !

@sweetsinger you dated, got into a relationship with and are now engaged to a man who's surname you dislike. How has this never come up in conversation?
If I were him I'd be miffed - he's been honest from the start about wanting you and any future DC to have his name, he's told you he's not a fan of double barrelled names or making up a new surname. From your OP it sounds like you went along with this view (at least outwardly to him) until he proposed and are now saying you want DC to have your (family) dad's name.

Some may say it's controlling but you IMO are the aggressor. Having kids with his name might be a dealbreaker for him and could have ended your relationship before it even began yet you wait until engagement to say something. That's not right.

[WeDidntMeanToGoToSea]

@EmoIsntDead

What if he wants to have the same surname as his children?

Why would his want trump yours?

This.

OP, there's an assumption in your posts that his view is more important than yours on this. It's not quite clear whether it comes from general societal assumptions or a soecific concern about not challenging his 'traditional' views or a mixture of both. But I do think it should give you pause that you are fretting about how to tell him that you do not want to give yourself or your future children a name that will embarrass you and them. Essentially, this boils down to you considering subjecting yourself and any children you have to long-term inconvenience/difficulties in order to avoid challenging his feelings and views. Why should the avoidance of a temporary challenge to his 'traditional' assumptions trump the avoidance of long-term problems for you/children?

[HailAdrian]

I would keep my name regardless but if the surname is actually 'peacock,' i associate it far more with birds than penises.

[WeDidntMeanToGoToSea]

wannabeamummysobad, tbh I'm not sure I would want to be with a person for whom his children having his surname is a 'dealbreaker'. That suggests a rather larger ego than is conducive to happy marriage.

[Gatekeeper]

I went to school with a girl whose surname was Cockhead...my God, the stick she got!

[wannabeamummysobad]

@WeDidntMeanToGoToSea I'm not sure I would either but that's why you broach these conversations whilst dating .... not just as you are about to walk down the aisle.
Everyone should be able to make an informed decision right?

[1111Cleopatra]

When I got married over 20 years ago I kept my name just because I preferred mine to his. I like my name and it’s my name! He didn’t care, his family didn’t either. Children have my surname as a middle name and his as the surname. They love their names too a bit like I did mine so are unlikely to change it on marriage too.

[WeDidntMeanToGoToSea]

@HailAdrian

I would keep my name regardless but if the surname is actually 'peacock,' i associate it far more with birds than penises.

Yes, this - Peacock is an exception to embarrassing 'cock' names IMO.

[WeDidntMeanToGoToSea]

[quote wannabeamummysobad]@WeDidntMeanToGoToSea I'm not sure I would either but that's why you broach these conversations whilst dating .... not just as you are about to walk down the aisle.
Everyone should be able to make an informed decision right?[/quote]
Well, yes, I suppose - although it wasn't something either of us talked about until we were at the pre-wedding appointment with the registrar, I guess because neither of us were that invested.

[WeDidntMeanToGoToSea]

(in the name issue, not the marriage...)

[closedown]

I would just say "I don't want to take your surname, I want to keep mine". Him having a problem with that would be a deal breaker for me. Big red flag.

Also agree that Peacock is not a particularly embarrassing name. I still wouldn't take it though.

[EnidFrighten]

Keep your name

Talk to him

Make a joint decision without worrying about wider family

You're an adult who gets to decide on your own name

If he's bothered by it, suggest you both change your name to something even ruder like Bigwang or something, would he like that? If not, why not?

[JedEye]

@Polpette

Keep your name. Keep your name. Keep your name.

I speak as someone who married into an 'unusual' surname...and even if your husband's name was a nicer surname I would still say keep your own name.

I love my husband deeply, I have huge respect for his family, my surname (despite being odd) even brings me privilege and priority treatment. But despite all of that I lost something important when I gave up my own name, something that I can't put my finger on, but it makes me sad.

It's such an outdated concept when you think about it.

And don't get me started on people that address envelopes Mrs husband's first name, surname.

I agree with this. I changed my name to husbands unusual surname when we married and have regretted it ever since. I miss my own surname and more so now that my Dad has recently passed away.

Just be absolutely clear you are not changing your name to his but if he wants to change to yours he is welcome to.

Also, I would be honest as to why. You need to be able to be honest with him. Let him help come up with a solution! It’s not just your problem.

[Bytheseaseasea]

I was in a similar position 6 years ago. My husband-to-be has a slightly embarrassing surname (although it’s not cock related). So I told him I preferred my name and would be keeping it. He was a bit put out but he got over it. We now have a child who has her dad’s surname. I would’ve preferred her to have mine but I let this one go. I do get birthday cards addressed to Mrs Husbands-last-name from his family though 😂

[StillWalking]

I think you’re over thinking this. Over the years I’ve known people called Mycock, Humper and Thick and they survived. Maybe you should have a chat with Cressida Dick and ask how she manages?

[PoppyMonth]

Keep your name. Don’t burden yourself or future children with her surname you hate. It’s incredibly outdated to automatically take the man’s name.

If your partner is worth keeping, he’ll understand.

[AnotherEmma]

@Breakingmad

Why on earth do you think this is petty?

You’re a grown woman, it’s your name, just don’t change it. Give your kids your name and if DF is so keen on having the same name as you and them then he can change his. Don’t give it another single moment of worry.

This.
He's not up in the night worry about it is he 🙄

[wannabeamummysobad]

Fair enough @WeDidntMeanToGoToSea that makes sense.

DH and I both had strong views - I think DC should have names that say who they are/their background. He wanted DC to have his surname. We compromised they will have names from my culture and ethnicity as a forename and DH name as the family name. This act of conversation, communication and compromise is the foundation of a strong relationship.

OP post is baffling to me.

[Kiitos]

I have friends called Peacock and I’ve known them forever. It has never once occurred to me that it would be an embarrassing surname.

But if you don’t want to take his name, just don’t take it!

[NutellaEllaElla]

Keep your surname, kids can have his as a middle name

[HaveringWavering]

A lot has been said already, but one thing I would add here: I think that the practical implications of not having the same name as your children are overstated. I’ve never found it an issue at school, doctor, travelling etc and my son has no difficulty with the idea (he’s 5). Majority of Mums at his school have kept own names. We have a lot of non-English families where changing is not culturally standard anyway.

I’d cross the kids’ names bridge when you come to it. Plenty of time for that. But as other have said, chatting to him about how he was teased would be a good start to get him thinking. I can also tell you that once a real live child comes along you realise that their label is the least important thing about them.

Congratulations on your engagement OP.

[NoraButty]

A couple I know wanted equality but didn’t want to chose one name over the other so they both changed their surnames to the name of the place they first met.

[mirilou]

Bit of a similar situation to you. I was determined that any children didn’t have the name, but his family were very traditional. So I took his name on marriage, but when children arrived I insisted that we change it (to a shortened, and less awkward version of his name). We all did this at this time. It turns out he was badly bullied and the name played a role and so wasn’t averse to changing to potentially save them that situation. Looking back, I wish that we’d done this on marriage rather than later though. Do you have to advertise any name change to wider family? I know it’s hard to keep these things secret, but it’s not like they’ll look at school registers etc. They will just assume you’ve taken his name. I know it’s not idea and not advocating directly lying.