Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

410 replies

sweetsinger · 05/11/2021 02:50

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

  • I don't like it
  • If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
  • I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

OP posts:
theSunday · 05/11/2021 06:57

Take a deep breath.

You need to decide what option you can live with better. Offending your in laws or having a name that’s causing you stress.

My opinion: Keep your name. It’s no big deal.

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 05/11/2021 06:59

What name I'm known by is the least important thing my identity is based on. The idea that The Family Name is a very important part of your identity is borne out of the 'taking your husbands name out of subjugation' history. Personally I feel I could be called almost anything and still very much be me.

What a beautiful piece of double-think! So you’re smashing the patriarchy by giving up your surname? And presumably men are also smashing the patriarchy by keeping theirs?

Hmm see how nicely that worked out? 😂

lisaandalan · 05/11/2021 06:59

Just say to him I really love my surname, could we break with tradition and you take my surname instead. That way you will not hurt his feelings and say you just want to be different. X

BertramLacey · 05/11/2021 06:59

he is quite traditional so I think he would want me to take his name and not take mine, even though if I was him I would do it without a second thought to be rid of the negative associations!

Stop calling it traditional and call it what it is - sexist. Once you've done that it should be easier to counteract it. Then ask yourself, do you want to be tiptoeing around your husband and in-laws around important things like your identity for the rest of your life? Because I wouldn't.

gofg · 05/11/2021 07:03

Everybody who takes a partners surname has their own reasons, some of them deep, some trivial but as long as they are happy so be it.

Well said. I get sick of posters who insist that no woman should change her name when she marries - surely women are allowed to make up their own minds, and if they want to change they shouldn't have to put up with all the criticism from MNers that there always is when this subject is discussed.

Joystir59 · 05/11/2021 07:03

How long have you been together and why can't you talk openly with him about this issue? I don't anyway understand why any woman, in this day and age, would change her name upon marriage. I also believe children should take the surname of the parent who brought them.into the world

SwanShaped · 05/11/2021 07:04

Keep your name. I kept mine. I just told people that my name had been my name my whole life, so why would I change it? I certainly wouldn’t saddle anyone kids with a cock surname.

theSunday · 05/11/2021 07:04

I also think that it’s a bit worrying that you

  • can’t say that you think his name is terrible (why beat around the bush?)
  • are so worried about ‘offending’ them
Esspee · 05/11/2021 07:05

I would never allow my children to be lumbered with a horrible surname.

We had a neighbour who kept her own name and used it for the children on the insistence of her husband who had a life of hell as a child with the reasonably sounding name of Bates. He got called Master Bates.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 05/11/2021 07:05

@PlasticPlantsDontDie

What name I'm known by is the least important thing my identity is based on. The idea that The Family Name is a very important part of your identity is borne out of the 'taking your husbands name out of subjugation' history. Personally I feel I could be called almost anything and still very much be me.

What a beautiful piece of double-think! So you’re smashing the patriarchy by giving up your surname? And presumably men are also smashing the patriarchy by keeping theirs?

Hmm see how nicely that worked out? 😂

No, I just think I should be allowed to change my name if I want to without being accused of being subjugated.
TatianaBis · 05/11/2021 07:06

What a beautiful piece of double-think! So you’re smashing the patriarchy by giving up your surname? And presumably men are also smashing the patriarchy by keeping theirs?

Her surname is a patriarchal name, technically women swap one patriarchal name for another on marriage.

Joystir59 · 05/11/2021 07:07

What name I'm known by is the least important thing my identity is based on. The idea that The Family Name is a very important part of your identity is borne out of the 'taking your husbands name out of subjugation' history. Personally I feel I could be called almost anything and still very much be me
I disagree. The name you are given at birth IS an important part of your identity. Why give it up when you get married?

flowery · 05/11/2021 07:07

If your fiancé would be offended and upset by you doing a perfectly normal thing like not changing your name, you should think very carefully before marrying him. It’s 2021 not 1951.

category12 · 05/11/2021 07:08

Honestly, you need to care more about the effect of a stupid name on your future children than these adults' old-fashioned views.

I grew up with an embarrassing surname and I really could have done without that shit.

Double-barrel your name = "Meacock-Richards", and then just don't use the Meacock part at school.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 05/11/2021 07:09

@Joystir59

What name I'm known by is the least important thing my identity is based on. The idea that The Family Name is a very important part of your identity is borne out of the 'taking your husbands name out of subjugation' history. Personally I feel I could be called almost anything and still very much be me I disagree. The name you are given at birth IS an important part of your identity. Why give it up when you get married?
To you it might be. To me it isn't. All the names are the result of someone upstream passing on their name. Maybe I want it maybe I don't.
MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 05/11/2021 07:11

Is it woodcock by any chance? Grin

EmoIsntDead · 05/11/2021 07:12

What if he wants to have the same surname as his children?

Why would his want trump yours?

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 05/11/2021 07:15

Her surname is a patriarchal name, technically women swap one patriarchal name for another on marriage.

Only for one or two generations. Then it’ll be passing on the mother’s family name, which makes much more sense because it’s more closely linked to biological origins.

Suzi888 · 05/11/2021 07:16

“Traditional is often synonymous with misogynist imo.” Gosh that’s a tad dramatic. Isn’t getting married a tradition too. Honestly if I felt like this I don’t think I’d bother getting married at all….

Pipsquiggle · 05/11/2021 07:17

I think you need to have a chat with your DP and see if he has any red lines on this.

I didn't like my husband's surname, I was having the same debate as you over 10 years ago. His name wasn't 'rude' but just didn't really gel with my 1st name.

I suggested double barrelling our surnames, this was a red line to him. He really, really hates double barrelled names, thinks they are poncy and elitist and to be fair all the people we know who have double barrelled names would fall into this camp. He would've just preferred me to have kept my name.

In the end, after much thinking, I decided to take his family name. What I didn't realise at the time was how important it would be to me of having a 'team' name. We are a family of 4 with the same surname and it means I don't have to explain my family set up. My DC have my maiden name as their middle name.

My friend decided to keep her family name, her DH and children have her husband's surname. She does say it does get a bit tiresome of have to explain every. single . time. that these are her children and she decided to keep her family name. Also she lives in a progressive European country but when she goes on holiday with DC without her husband, she has to take a letter from her husband to explain that these are her DC and she decided to keep her own surname! Just imagine that!

Branleuse · 05/11/2021 07:18

You mean youre about to marry the guy and youve NEVER told him that its an embarrassing name or teased him about it ever??

wsbts · 05/11/2021 07:24

My advice would be to put your stamp on your future relationship and retain your own name. Otherwise as others have indicated you could end up being controlled. There is nothing unusual about retaining your own name it happens in this country and others. My now ex daughter in law did not take our sons surname and kept her own name. that said she was very controlling and that is why she is his ex!

The affect on future children could be devastating for them and you are right to be concerned at this stage. If your other half disagrees with you show him this thread he than might understand and ask him how he coped at school.

Platax · 05/11/2021 07:25

My married surname is inoffensive but near the end of the alphabet, as a result of which my children grew up missing out on a few things at school by virtue of always being at the end of the line. If a DIL wanted to keep her surname so that any grandchildren don't have the same problem, I would simply applaud her.

So I wonder whether all your future in-laws would necessarily be that offended if you didn't take their surname, particularly your MIL.

MzHz · 05/11/2021 07:26

This isn’t anything I had an issue with but I do wish my ds didn’t have his dads name, although he never uses it, uses mine as a known as. I was not married to his dad.

I agree with op here, you HAVE to be able to raise issues like this

This isn’t actually that much of a difficult subject really, but there’s lots of emotional attachments and familial influence I’m sure

You can’t any sleep because of this, it IS important to you and chances are your DH2B knows why you feel like this

Rejecting his name isn’t a rejection of him, it’s thinking about planning for your life and future kids etc

Take a deep breath and talk to him. You know you need to do this

RowanAlong · 05/11/2021 07:27

I think you are too worried about offending him. Do you worry he’ll call the whole thing off? You are perfectly within your tights to say I love you, but I prefer the sound of my surname, and I’m going to keep it. We can double-barrel the children’s names. Then it’s fair all round and if he’s offended about that then he’s being precious!