Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

[sweetsinger]

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

• I don't like it
• If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
• I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

You don't have to tell him you don't like his name. Just tell him you like your name, it's the 21st century and you want to keep it. Job done. Unless he's been living under a rock I'm sure he's aware that it's something the womenfolk often do nowadays. And if he's so traditional that he's going to kick up a huge fuss and have a strop, then have a think about whether you want to marry him.

Keep your surname and tell your boyfriend you dont want his because it has the word cock in it.
You say you dont want to upset him but you are upset. Why should you be upset and not him. You are both equal in this relationship. Just tell him. I’m going to keep my surname and i want our future kids to have my surname.
And your inlaws get upset…. They are going to be upset at some point, they adults they’ll get over it

I get it - keep your name.

My surname is not totally regular eg richards or smith but is the kind of name when you book stuff on the phone people regularly "oooooh i love your surname, it has a beautiful ring to it."

My husband's surname is primarily constants and almost unpronouncable... not the name exactly but think along the lines of pronouned roughly as Smithley, spelled Cemyphli and people pronounce it as"....erm... ...see my filly...?"

I use my married name for unimportant things (amazon anď what not) but i got married in my mid 30s.
I didnt want his name (its crap! And mrs cemyphli is my awful mil) but mentally prepped myself.
In the end i couldnt be bothered with the effort and admin ( i have pensions insurances the mortgage 5 diff bank accounts etc etc) to make my life worse so didnt bother.

But we have agreed our baby will get his shit surname

My aunt had the same issue with her fiancée’s surname and has kept her own name. Their DC do have his surname though.

It's a tricky one. I preferred my name (just liked it better his was boring like Smith). We wanted to have the same family name as we planned on kids, so one of us had to change. The precedence of generations gave extra weight to his preference of going with his surname somehow, probably because we didn't know a soul who had done it differently and it was somehow 'odd'. My feminist arguments were not very well developed at that stage and it wasn't a topic that had come up much between us (btw dh is an equality all the way guy and absolutely not a Knight of the patriarchy) so we didn't have a base line of articulated shared views we could base it on from that point of view.
We did manage to agree that either name could work and were equally acceptable and we wanted one name for our family, but his won cos no-one would bat an eyelid if we did that but people would if he did (this was 15 years ago which isn't long but it is less unusual now I think). I am glad we have one family name, but it isn't a target for bullies, I still don't think of myself as a Smith and in fact it's slightly irritating if I think about it cos I don't much like his parents, but I don't have to spell my name as often.
I think the cultural expectation which is what ours boiled down to, isn't minor though because to swim against the tide a person has to really want to and then they need a good reason and family expectations etc loom in the mind. That's the reality of it. If you agree both names are valid choices at least that's a starting point. Could he accept his name is awkward to at least start to consider there might be Another Way?
Suspect if he is genuinely traditional he won't budge, so you'll have to just stick with yours and have different names, which if I was faced with your choice I would do.

In what other ways is your fiancé so traditional? I assume since his values are so traditional you don’t live together and certainly don’t sleep together?

Keep your name; and give any future children your name as well. Why are you so worried about what people think?

@Monkeymilkshake

Keep your surname and tell your boyfriend you dont want his because it has the word cock in it. You say you dont want to upset him but you are upset. Why should you be upset and not him. You are both equal in this relationship. Just tell him. I’m going to keep my surname and i want our future kids to have my surname. And your inlaws get upset…. They are going to be upset at some point, they adults they’ll get over it

This, when all is said and done this is unarguably the simplest way to approach it. You have pp upthread who is loving Erth what you're worried about. It's not nothing, l people give stick for rude names or will be a recurring theme and get very old very quickly.

@alexdgr8

i am quite surprised that women these days even think of giving up their names. can you not see it is a sign of subjugation. when i was young, i would have thought by now that only some older women would still bind themselves like this. i find it quite sad. are you not an equal individual. why have your identity disappear.

I couldn’t wait to get rid of my maiden name as it was the surname of a man who had left my mum and I and wanted nothing to do with us. I was over the moon to have a new surname, and it sounded nicer. Everybody who takes a partners surname has their own reasons, some of them deep, some trivial but as long as they are happy so be it.

The posters saying "keep your name and just give it to your children" - as if that's something that would just happen without being questioned, wtf?

In reality he would want to know why double barrelling the kids wasn't an option - you'd be married!

Of course keeping your name for yourself shouldn't be questioned at all and no grounds need to be specified.

I had exactly this issue (well, not the cock bit- I just hate the name) My husband would have been completely OK for me to keep my name, and he would have happily double barrelled the kids, but he was not happy with "losing" his name entirely.

There didn't seem any point double barrelling because it wasn't that I loved my own name it was just that I hated his! And I wanted the same name as my kids, and I couldn't demand that he dropped his name altogether, so I just changed mine.

But 13 years later I still hate it!

It only occurred to me several months after we married that I'd probably offended my in-laws by not changing my name. My FIL had passed by then and I was in the middle of a spirited rant about medieval practices and women as chattel when MIL said rather icily 'well, I was proud to be Mrs Hubert Sniddlegrass.' (Not his real name, obv.) Oops.

Not by the twinkling of an eye would I have reconsidered if I'd known, although I might have been less insensitive (which was probably the real cause of offence, at least in part).

Anyway, plenty of women don't change their name on marriage these days, and if they do it's usually because it's an upgrade, or they're double-barrelling. The idea that you'd change your name to something you hate to avoid offending someone is just insane.

Very true BananaSpanner it might originally have been a sign of subjugation but it is optional now so though it may still have those roots it isn't necessarily all about that anymore. What name I'm known by is the least important thing my identity is based on. The idea that The Family Name is a very important part of your identity is borne out of the 'taking your husbands name out of subjugation' history. Personally I feel I could be called almost anything and still very much be me.

Hiscock?
Mycock?

OP
Learn to have open discussions. It won't come as a major surprise that their surname isn't to everyone's taste. You don't have to give excuses. Just say you want to keep your name.

Communication is key to any relationship so you need to explain your reasons. Start as you mean to go on. It’s not been unkind, he didn’t choose the name so you’re not criticising something he had a choice over. He will hopefully see your point. Use your surname. Maybe his surname as a middle name? People don’t know other peoples midddle names so it can be hidden.

Oh I feel your pain. I have married into a similar surname (common where I live but not one I wanted). In the end I decided it was important to DH while I didn't really care so I did take his name (mostly our marriage seems to work with me getting my way so seemed fair) That said you really don't need to take his name if you don't want to. Lots of people don't!

For continuity using yours would be easier. You won't have to explain it to many people and it will be a simple and short conversation.
Making up a new one will be more involved.
Historically, some famous names have been changed where the direct descendant name dropped out because there were no sons or children at all. Wills were written leaving the landed estate to a cousin provided he took the 'old' name for himself and heirs.
Our own name will die out because my children have no children.

Whether you take your husbands name is totally up to you. I would chat to hubby to be and see where conversation goes. I wouldn't worry about what anyone thinks and I certainly wouldn't take on a name I disliked. Regarding children I would discuss that separately unless oh brings it up. That will obviously be a joint decision but it's no more valid that children have mans name than it is the woman's just because previously society dictated it.

Keep your name. Ask your fiancé to take your name when you get married?

What if he wants to have the same surname as his children? Would I just say he has to change his name to mine? How do I go about telling him I want to keep my name without it being obvious that I'm embarrassed by his surname? Is it possible to register a baby's name in the mother's name even if the father doesn't agree?

you said later that he was teased? was that in the era of Social Media? I think it is a valid concern so i would definitely tell him about your fears. And stuff traditional. You don't have to fight about it, but you can be firm that you don't want to give your children his name. If he wants to have the same name as his children, the ball is in his court.

As for you - you don't have to change your name. And you don't have to tell him why, but given that you don't want your children to have it because it's embarassing, why not come clean?

If one of your reasons is that you fear losing him over this - is he really the one for you? You want to marry this chap. Honesty is required from the start, so start with your concerns about the name.

When I married my first husband, I was happy to change my surname to his, because I'd always had to spell my surname previously as there's several possible spellings of that name.

But when I married my second husband, I refused to change my name because I wanted to keep the same surname as my kids while they were in school.
Initially, he wasn't very happy about this, as he was 'traditional', so he said ''I don't want you to keep your ExH's name, I'd rather you took my surname.''
But he rethought that statement after I said ''I don't want to have your ExW's name*......''

It's only a name. Have a long chat with your fiance, and see if you can come up with something you're both happy with.

As a PP suggested, maybe both change your names ??

it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'

So it's Peacock then?

Honestly my cousins surname is Morecock. Facebook wouldn't even let her use her own surname. But she's never had much of an issue other than some low level teasing which you can still get with the most mundane of surnames.

@ViceLikeBlip

I had exactly this issue (well, not the cock bit- I just hate the name) My husband would have been completely OK for me to keep my name, and he would have happily double barrelled the kids, but he was not happy with "losing" his name entirely.

There didn't seem any point double barrelling because it wasn't that I loved my own name it was just that I hated his! And I wanted the same name as my kids, and I couldn't demand that he dropped his name altogether, so I just changed mine.

But 13 years later I still hate it!

You couldn’t demand he dropped his but he could demand that of you? How is that in any way fair or acceptable?

I agree with PP - if this is someone you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with, you should be able to be upfront about this. No way would I be marrying someone who thought it was reasonable to expect me to change my name but wouldn’t consider changing theirs. It’s an absolute non negotiable for me and I wouldn’t give a flying fuck what his family think. Traditional is often synonymous with misogynist imo.

You don’t need to change your surname, just keep yours and add Mrs to it if you want.
I took on dh surname as much me was unpronounceable and it was annoying for 32 years of my life. My parents aren’t from the Uk. So I had the opposite problem.