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Original poster

Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

410 replies

sweetsinger · 05/11/2021 02:50

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

  • I don't like it
  • If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
  • I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

OP posts:
Polpette · 05/11/2021 04:12

Keep your name. Keep your name. Keep your name.

I speak as someone who married into an 'unusual' surname...and even if your husband's name was a nicer surname I would still say keep your own name.

I love my husband deeply, I have huge respect for his family, my surname (despite being odd) even brings me privilege and priority treatment. But despite all of that I lost something important when I gave up my own name, something that I can't put my finger on, but it makes me sad.

It's such an outdated concept when you think about it.

And don't get me started on people that address envelopes Mrs husband's first name, surname.

groovergirl · 05/11/2021 04:33

"I know I am being petty ..."
No, OP, you're not! This is about your name, and if you're awake at 2.44 and asking for MN wisdom it's clearly a big concern for you, and rightly so.
No nation in the world has a legal requirement for women to change their name on marriage. The only one that used to was Japan, and that law was changed when women objected.
Don't worry about BF and his DPs being offended. It is they who should be worried about offending YOU with silly outmoded ideas. And if they grumble about defying "tradition", you can do as I did and ask them when they're cutting off their electricity and wifi and getting rid of their cars, seeing as how those things aren't "traditional" and all that. Wink

Plenty of couples come to their own arrangements when it comes to giving the DCs a surname. My friend has two DSs; one has her name, the other has her DH's name. My DD and I have different surnames. No one has ever questioned it. Indeed, it would be rude of them to do so.

MrsCardone · 05/11/2021 04:36

You can do whatever you want. Friends of ours had surnames similar to 'Mr McKenzie' and 'Ms Mackintosh'. They had one daughter who they called McKenzie Mackinstosh, i.e. the father's surname was used for the DD's first name.

MrsCardone · 05/11/2021 04:39

Oh, and it's OK to change your mind. We gave our DS my DH's surname and I kept mine. But I got so sick of my spiteful in-laws sending cards addressed to 'Mr & Master Smith and Ms Jones', followed by 'Dear DH & DS and DIL' inside, that we double barreled his surname.

The in-laws were FUMING. But I'm glad we did it.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 05/11/2021 04:40

Just keep your name. I kept my name no one is really bothered. I gave the kids husband’s surname as it was shorter and suited the first names we chose. Could have gone either way Everyone is happy.

CakesOfVersailles · 05/11/2021 04:43

You keep saying things like it's petty and you don't want to offend him by bringing it up. There is an assumption here that he has some greater right to the surname. No, you are both equal.

If he was Mr Richards and you were Ms Meacock and he said that he would be keeping his name and that he loved you but he would prefer any children be called Richards, would you be deeply offended?

Do you think he is agonising over your feelings about surnames at two in the morning? Just bring it up - and don't do so from a position of upsetting the status quo - go in with the assumption that your surnames and both equal weight.

Rangoon · 05/11/2021 04:54

My surnname wasn't a shocker but it wasn't the most glamorous of names and a slight rearrangement of the letter made it vaguely embarassing. I took my husband's surname because, as one of my colleagues put it, it was impossible to think of any negative connotations to it, it wasn't difficult to spell and it was unusual. I just think somebody has to be brave and get rid of horror surnames. I went to school with a girl whose name was vaguely embarassing and to do with sewers and they finally changed it to a Christian name eg Adams. I just can't see the point of putting up with names that are embarassing. Just because your ancestor got landed with a surname with a "cock" or "dick" in it there is no reason to carry it on to celebrate he got a horror name. You carry their DNA and that's enough without being called Hoggsbottom.

eurochick · 05/11/2021 05:14

You are considering taking a name you hate and saddling your future children with it to avoid upsetting a man? Grow some lady balls! It's 2021. You don't want to take the name, so don't.

k1233 · 05/11/2021 05:17

Had a tutor at uni with the surname Cockburn - apparently pronounced Coburn. Would have been a bad one to grow up with. Do you have the same situation where pronunciation is different to spelling? If you did, could you change to phonetic spelling?

Personally I'd keep my name - professionally known as that etc As you say kids are the kicker. I know someone at work who took his wifes name, so it isn't unheard of. Maybe broach it as we're getting married, which surname do you think we should use? Don't give him the automatic assumption it will be his.

Dinosauraddict · 05/11/2021 05:18

I had a cock related maiden name. I can assure you I was pleased to get rid of it. Speak to your fiancé, he has probably never thought about it but may jump at the chance to take yours instead.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/11/2021 05:19

I know someone whose husband changed his name to hers. Because of the embarrassment factor. She just refused to be Mrs Christmas.

newusername1977 · 05/11/2021 05:20

I think you sound like a nice person who is trying to be respectful and loving to her future husbands feelings. I don't think that means you're scared of him or old fashioned.
I think your own suggestion of double barreling the names officially, but still actually in every day life hanging onto your own original name is the best way forward. Kids will have the official family name that is double barreled and can drop the offensive half if they want.

UnwantedOpinionBelow · 05/11/2021 05:22

I was in a similar situation when I got married (I also didn't like the idea of throwing away my family name for his). I didn't feel it was right for him to take my name and our names didn't sound good double-barreled. We also wanted to both have the same surname so we just created a totally new surname.

His family weren't too happy with the idea at first but they got used to our new name relatively quickly. He changed his name by deed poll before the marriage and then I just automatically took on the new name after the wedding.

It has been 7 years or so now and we are both very happy with our new surname - it actually feels quite special and more personal to us.

Whingasaurus · 05/11/2021 05:23

My name plus husbands surname was awful so I kept mine dc got both but as young adults one dropped his and one dropped mine. We set the tone from the beginning that we wouldn't care and just let them choose we did also say please don't stay double barrelled it's not necessary. I did get called Mrs Nobname a lot but he got called Mr Saurus a lot too. Neither of us minded. We are both married to other people now and his new wife hasn't taken it either. This was the eighties/nineties which now seems more enlightened and feministic that the modern day tbh.

LoislovesStewie · 05/11/2021 05:26

Just to add; the former politician Ed Balls is married to Yvette Cooper. Their kids have the surname Cooper as he was teased so much at school.
Don't take his surname OP. My husband had an embarrassing surname, and we changed it to something much more normal. (the sort of name people joke about) Why not find another family name you like? If he has a granny for example with a nicer surname why not take that?

rrhuth · 05/11/2021 05:30

[quote sweetsinger]@HoppingPavlova I just don't want to be unkind, that's all[/quote]
You're not being unkind.

Come on now, if you're old enough to get married, you must've an adult? I don't mean to sound unkind but you're being a sap about this.

Saltpepperbutter · 05/11/2021 05:31

I have two sets of friends that just chose a neutral third name that was meaningful to both of them, and used that.

Blueuggboots · 05/11/2021 05:35

I had a family name ending in cock as a child. I would not recommend it!! I changed it when I got married and kept my married name when I got divorced.
Keep your own name.

BarbaraofSeville · 05/11/2021 05:50

You do know that you don't have to change your name on marriage OP? Many women don't.

Just tell him you don't want to change your name on marriage and if pressed, that would be the same whether he was called Smith or Bigcock. If he wants to have the same name as you and any children you have, he can always change his....

whatswithtodaytoday · 05/11/2021 05:59

If you are marrying someone you can surely have a conversation about which surname you use as a family - if you want to have the same one - and whether his is too awful to use. I'm sure he's aware that it's not a great name. How is it not a joke between you already?!

Maybe he's desperate to change it but doesn't think he ought to!

user367862167 · 05/11/2021 06:00

You’re not property keep your own name!

Krakenchorus · 05/11/2021 06:05

What a fucking depressing post. Sorry to be harsh, OP, but where us your self-respect or at least your spine? You do not want his name. You do not want his children to have his name. But you are so desperately concerned about his man-feelings that you ready to bury your own, before you are even married. Is this going to be the format for your marriage? You have to be kind to everyone but yourself? Your valid concerns come a distant second to his potential discomfort?

Why isn't he concerned about YOU being offended? Why isn't he suggesting that if a family name is important to you, then he will take yours? Is an outdated tradition more important than his wife?

Good luck to you, truly. But please do not start your married life as a doormat, afraid to raise issues that matter to you for fear of offending him.

Thatsplentyjack · 05/11/2021 06:05

Why are you worried about offending his family? Do you think they having realised their name is embarrassing? Is he not worried about offending your family when you give up your second name and name any of your children after him.

logsonlogsoff · 05/11/2021 06:09

Okay - to start, you are MARRYING this man so you need to be able to have difficult or awkward conversations with him and make your feelings known. This is the first of many - about your finances or kids, or work, or where to live etc etc
You won’t always agree but you certainly need to be able to talk about what you need or WANT without tiptoeing around his feelings.

Changing your name to a man’s ( or even woman’s) is archaic and many, many people choose not to! Tell him you want to keep your own name and if he makes a fuss about it ask him if he would take YOURS when you marry.
Almost certainly he won’t so end of conversation. And the reasons he gives - but it’s MY name, my family’s name, I’d have to change all my docs, passport etc, my work email, maybe personal email, I’m known. By my name professionally etc etc
And as for kids - worry about that when the time comes but there is NO reason they can’t have your name or have his name as a ‘middle’ name but be know by your surname. Trust me in this one, if you do this it will make travelling g with your kids without him easy.

Justilou1 · 05/11/2021 06:09

I wish I hadn’t changed my name. I was talked into it, I guess. It’s not like I don’t love, DH… I just bloody hate the name. So do our kids. It begins with a euphemism for penis, so that’s fun for them…. I thought that they’d get out of most of that kind of bullying when we moved to a non-English-speaking country. Boy was I wrong. Firstly, in that country, “D+#k” means “Fat”. That went down well. Also for some reason, it seems that it’s okay for even tiny kids to use the most offensive of swear words in English - even to their parents - but not in their native language. Weird. My kids copped for both reasons. They wish I’d kept my name.