Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

[sweetsinger]

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

• I don't like it
• If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
• I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

Would your family be offended if you took his name? Are the many many many women who chose their husbands surname for their children (god only knows why anymore) and don't marry/ keep their own name wandering forlorn and unsure if their role in the family unit? Really, it's not a big deal for him to change to your name or if he loves his name keep it and the rest of you share your name. It doesn't make anyone less a part of the family

@Onelifeonly

Personally I think if he is ok with his surname and hadn't thought of changing it, you should respect that. Really a bit of embarrassment is soon got over. As for bullying - children will find anything to bully others over if they are going to but confident secure children will handle that.

Don't take his name if you don't want to, but let your children have his or both your names. Possibly his could come first and not be hyphened so it's more like a middle name if you still care this much once any potential child is born. (I suspect you won't)

I know loads of people with odd surnames and a family who have the surname I suspect your bf does. They are not embarrassed by it in the least. It's just a name.

If it’s just a name, what’s the problem with them having OP’s nicer one?

My exH has a surname that sounds just like 'clitoris'

I didn't take it. Not a fucking chance.

Tell him his misogynistic opinion on taking your perfectly normal name isn't required and if he loved you and lived in 2020 he'd take your name.

Women who 'loathed' their birth names, why did you wait for a husband to come along before you changed it? As soon as you were old enough would have been more logical.

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.[/quote]
Hahahahahaha.

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either?

No, and you know why? Because it's women who give birth to children, not men. It's women who risk their lives and their health doing so. Many women retain childbirth injuries for life, even in so called 'textbook births', and others retain the emotional and mental trauma of it for a long time, even if their babies were planned for and wanted.

THAT @LittleDandelionClock , trumps anything else you mention ANY DAY. Keeping ones surname, including the children's surname is the very least women should get for going through all that shit....(including literal shit as well). The fact that society still expects women to change their surnames in an act of archaic, formalised submission (sorry 'courtesy') and that she should automatically get no say in her children's surnames shows that society still has a way to go when it comes to how it treats and views women.

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.[/quote]
😂😂😂 thanks for your input MRA.

@LittleDandelionClock

Despite all the woke and feminist words people are writing on here, the fact is that virtually everyone will think it extremely odd if the children have the mother's surname if their parents are married.

People can bang on about misogyny and the patriarchy until they're blue in the face, but yes, even in 2021, many MANY people - of various generations, young and old - are going to think it odd that the children have the mother's surname.

Most people will not only think that the children are not your husband's, but they will also think you are not married. That is a fact

If you are OK with that, then crack on. I know I would not be OK with it, and neither would any woman I know. Also, if you don't want to take his surname, and don't want your kids to have it, why bother getting married?

People bang on about why should his wishes trump yours, but similarly, why should your wishes trump his? And as has been said, you have to think of our children either, and how awkward things will be for them. (Yeah I know 'won't someone think of the children....! )

People can poo-poo my views and call them outdated, and even accuse me of internalised misogyny. But I can assure that a lot more people will have the same views as me, than not. I mean in real life. And let's face it, mumsnet is NOT real life for most people.

You should really stop hanging out solely with people who were born in the 19thc. It makes you come across as a bit of an idiot.

[quote LittleDandelionClock]@Derbee

You don’t just get married so that you have an opportunity to change your name. It’s much more about legal rights, next of kin etc etc.

Oh, I seeeee, so you think it's OK to 'use a man' this way, to protect yourself, and get legal rights/get your hands on what he owns, etc....

But you won't give him the courtesy of taking his name, and don't even want your CHILDREN to have his name either? So it's all got to be your way or the highway?!

The misandry on this thread is shocking.

And despite the 'who cares what the neighbours think' comment from you (and someone else,) it's not JUST the bloody neighbours FFS. It's EVERYONE... And trust me, you WILL care, (and your husband definitely will) when virtually everyone you both meet, thinks you're not married, and your children are not his. You can say you won't care, and HE won't either, but you both will.

I'm out. This is a horrible, misandrist thread.[/quote]
Oh FFS a woman getting married and not changing her name isn't using a man and it isn't misandry.

A marriage is a legal contract entered into freely by two willing partners. Changing your name is not the price of the contract it is entirely optional. The benefits of marriage are not one way they are for the benefit of both parties.

My husband is protected by being married to me, he automatically gets the benefit of my life insurance and pension if I die and he will be able to seek access to them if we divorce. We can both benefit from various tax allowances, particularly the inheritance tax one.

Are some of the people on this thread even aware that a woman changing her name is the exception not the rule in most countries in the world?

The idea that it is some sort of necessary and integral part of getting married is one of the most bonkers things i’ve heard on here, and that’s saying something.

Are some of the people on this thread even aware that a woman changing her name is the exception not the rule in most countries in the world?

I was not aware of this! I did t change my name but assumed it was a fairly widespread practice. I knew in Spain and Iceland they don't typically change their name (I think?) but never read anything beyond that - so it's not common practice?

Didn't* change my name

Littledandelionclock

My husband is just as protected by our marriage as I am. I am the higher earner and my employer provides additional perks for the entire family. In my social circle marriage is very common, people rarely have children without being married, but it is very unusual for women to change their surname. No one is doubting anyone’s parentage because it is just the norm.

I just remembered something else…

I started primary school in the early 70’s. (Old fart). One family had really hippie parents who had changed their last name to Tree. They had three kids called Leafy, Peachy and Blossom Tree. While I imagine if they’d grown up in LA, they’d be movie stars, of course in suburban Australia, they had an awful time being bullied both by kids AND teachers. The parents were of course overly involved in school life, insisting on playing their guitar and tambourine - badly (yes, every hippie cliche) at every school function in their mostly brown and mustard home-dyed flares. They were vegan and had opinions on everything and drove most of the parents bonkers as well. I ended up going to high school with both of the girls (Peachy and Blossom). To rebel against their parents, who also had a very laissez-faire approach to education as well, all three kids were über type-A and did very, very well at school. When they turned 18 they changed their surnames back to the original surname which was something as generic as “Smith” or “Jones” and became conservative, business types including an accountant. Of course all the first names were changed too - one of the girls is now called KAREN. (But she isn’t one of the much maligned meme-types, btw…. She’s amazing.) (She told me once that her grandmother had been paying their school fees at these tiny catholic schools to ensure that their attendance would be reported back to her as she didn’t trust that the parents would have bothered otherwise!)

@Ledition

Are some of the people on this thread even aware that a woman changing her name is the exception not the rule in most countries in the world?

I was not aware of this! I did t change my name but assumed it was a fairly widespread practice. I knew in Spain and Iceland they don't typically change their name (I think?) but never read anything beyond that - so it's not common practice?

I don't think it is, no. I was going to say earlier on the thread that changing name on marriage and thinking it is odd not to is a very UK centric perspective, but I don't know enough about how it works around the world.

But what I do know is that a relative of mine married into a British Pakistani family and they all had different names, my relative's husband's last name was different to that of his brother and they did have the same parents, for example.

Why are you asking all these questions,? You are engaged now, and presumably know your partner really well, so you just need to discuss these name issues with Him.

It's interesting, tradition.

It is not traditional for a woman to sleep with or live with a man before marriage. It is not traditional for a woman to keep her job upon marriage, and it is certainly not traditional for a woman to work once children come along.

Funnily enough, men don't seem to mind being with a woman who will sleep with them or live with them before marriage. Not do they seem to mind a non-traditional wife who contributes to the family coffers.

And yet, many are very hurt by the idea that their wives would be so non-traditional as to keep their own surnames. It almost sounds like a lot of men are only happy to jettison tradition when it benefits them.

Not all men of course. My husband was perfectly on board with me keeping my own surname and we passed on both names to our child.

Lots of people have pointed out that the OP should be able to share her feelings about things that bother enough to keep her awake with her future husband, which is true.

Has anyone mentioned the slightly different fact that the OP is embarrassed about admitting to being bothered by the sniggery connotations of the word? It's not just that she's crushing down all her own concerns. It's also that she doesn't have the kind of relationship which is lighthearted and playful enough to say ... "So, Meacock. Did you get a lot of cock jokes at school and how was that?" She hasn't even asked him that let alone added "because I'm not so sure about becoming the Cock Lady. And what about the Cock Kids?" I think he's a bit pompous and she's definitely on her best behaviour. This isn't going to end well

Frankly I’m just relieved to have a change from all those women with (a) embarrassing, awful or unpronounceable birth names, who are (b) absolutely dying to embrace their fiancé’s miraculously mellifluous, short, easily spelt surname. Because there are an awful lot of those on here.

And yet, many are very hurt by the idea that their wives would be so non-traditional as to keep their own surnames. It almost sounds like a lot of men are only happy to jettison tradition when it benefits them.

Bingo. See also, men who are happy to have a sexual relationship, cohabit and children with a woman without being married to her, but as soon as the woman wants to discuss the issue of marriage they're all of a sudden total traditionalists about proposals and use that as a control mechanism. Tradition isn't so important when it comes to them getting their dicks wet.

@SenselessUbiquity

Lots of people have pointed out that the OP should be able to share her feelings about things that bother enough to keep her awake with her future husband, which is true.

Has anyone mentioned the slightly different fact that the OP is embarrassed about admitting to being bothered by the sniggery connotations of the word? It's not just that she's crushing down all her own concerns. It's also that she doesn't have the kind of relationship which is lighthearted and playful enough to say ... "So, Meacock. Did you get a lot of cock jokes at school and how was that?" She hasn't even asked him that let alone added "because I'm not so sure about becoming the Cock Lady. And what about the Cock Kids?" I think he's a bit pompous and she's definitely on her best behaviour. This isn't going to end well

Exactly. It really really shouldn’t be hard to have these conversations with him. It sounds like this relationship is hard work.

I know two beautiful young ladies with the surname "Willcock" and doesn't seem to bother them. Another friend had "Lillicrap" which seemed to caused more laughs.
"Cock" as the last part of a surname is probably more common than you think.

Yes, I work with people called Adcock and Willcock and it has genuinely never occurred to me to snigger at those names.

(By the way, to the poster who mentioned that the knew someone called Cockburn “apparently” pronounced Coburn, suggesting the person was trying to create a new pronounciation to avoid being ridiculed- there is no “apparently” about it. That is how it is said. Many many Scottish people with that name and every teen in Edinburgh knows Cockburn Street pronounced Coburn street).

I know someone who was in this position. They agreed a new name. They didn't want to upset his family, so they chose his father's first name (which was a name like James or Thomas that works well as a surname as well as a first name).

It was still difficult telling them though. The husband, supported by his sister, explained that they had been bullied as children and he didn't want that for his children. Their mother didn't understand the problem, because she was completely unaware of the connotations!

@Fifthtimelucky

I know someone who was in this position. They agreed a new name. They didn't want to upset his family, so they chose his father's first name (which was a name like James or Thomas that works well as a surname as well as a first name).

It was still difficult telling them though. The husband, supported by his sister, explained that they had been bullied as children and he didn't want that for his children. Their mother didn't understand the problem, because she was completely unaware of the connotations!

Didn’t want to upset his family but okay to stick 2 fingers up to hers? Nice.

@EdgeOfACoin

It's interesting, tradition.

It is not traditional for a woman to sleep with or live with a man before marriage. It is not traditional for a woman to keep her job upon marriage, and it is certainly not traditional for a woman to work once children come along.

Funnily enough, men don't seem to mind being with a woman who will sleep with them or live with them before marriage. Not do they seem to mind a non-traditional wife who contributes to the family coffers.

And yet, many are very hurt by the idea that their wives would be so non-traditional as to keep their own surnames. It almost sounds like a lot of men are only happy to jettison tradition when it benefits them.

Not all men of course. My husband was perfectly on board with me keeping my own surname and we passed on both names to our child.

Very well put.

The woman changing her name seems to be this tradition that so many seemingly evolved and modern of men can get all peevish and Victorian about. Absolute tiresome egotistical shit.