Fiance has an embarrassing surname and I don't want to take it...WWYD?

[sweetsinger]

NC for this as it could be outing.

My boyfriend proposed to me a couple of weeks ago, which I am beyond delighted about. He is a great guy and we suit each other well.

Something that is causing me a lot of anxiety (hence why I am awake at 2.44am) is the prospect of having to take his name. He has a pretty embarrassing surname. I don't want to write it here because it could be outing but it could be likened to something like 'Meacock'.

I like my surname, it is fairly standard, think along the lines of 'Richards', and I feel that there is a real dilemma in taking his name. At the risk of sounding petty:

• I don't like it
• If we have children (which we hope to), they will be obvious targets for bullies
• I prefer my surname

A simple solution would be for him to take my surname - I mean it is the 21st century - but:

a) he is pretty traditional so I doubt he would want to do that
b) I don't want to offend him or his family by suggesting this

The two points above also fit for if I keep my surname. I would also like to have the same surname as any potential children so me keeping mine and him having his wouldn't really work.

I have thought about double barrelling but Richards-Meacock still isn't great...

I know I am being petty as I would have no problem with taking his name if it wasn't so embarrassing and associated with penises.

What should I do??

@TatianaBis

What a beautiful piece of double-think! So you’re smashing the patriarchy by giving up your surname? And presumably men are also smashing the patriarchy by keeping theirs?

Her surname is a patriarchal name, technically women swap one patriarchal name for another on marriage.

This is sexist bullshit. It implies a man's name is their name, while a woman's name is borrowed from a man, possibly on a temporary basis. Why are women "less" (like the wet lettuce and rather pathetic OP) that we don't have a right to our own name, have to worry about "not being kind" etc.

Forget tradition, this has always been in favour of men, with women having to bend their will. Start from a clean slate, and discuss it with him. Don’t be afraid of what his family thinks, this is between just the two of you.
But if I was you, I would not take his name. It’s different for men to have a penis-based name, he might not have had any issues with it, but you’re a different person and if you don’t want it, you don’t need to take it. Equal rights and all that.

My friend hyphenated her name the other way round ie husband-her surname. If you did that, could you pick it up/drop it based on the situation. A lot of friends have kept their maiden name for professional matters but use married name for more family stuff for example. Not sure about the kids, could you talk to him about that bit as obviously he has experience of being a kid with that name.

Also kids can twist any name to something unpleasant if they’re set on teasing/bullying.

@sweetsinger as someone who went out with a partner with the surname Beacock (yes, it was awful). I sympathise. No way would I have taken that on. I believe they later changed their surname by deed-poll so it was accepted as being pretty awful...

I really regret changing my name to my DH's.
It's not that his name was bad in any way, i just preferred mine. It's a good, solid English/Scottish name and i still miss it. It was me!
When we got married it was much less usual for a woman to keep her surname and i do remember our bank, when we went to open a joint account, threw up all sorts of objections.
I did keep it for a while for professional reasons but it fell by the wayside eventually. 😢.
You have even more cause to hang on to yours, OP!

Keep your name - I wish I had.

My dh's surname isn't embarrassing at all and is very standard but it is very much HIS. My maiden name is a very common Welsh surname, but I feel like losing it has taken away some of my connection with my Welsh background (I don't have an accent, or a Welsh first name - I live in England - nobody would know I am Welsh unless I tell them, or they meet my mum, who very much has an accent!).

The difficulty I had was that dh had no problem with me keeping my own name, or double barrelling with his, but he wanted the dc to have his name. I gave in too easily. I was young and would fight for it a lot more strongly now.

I didn't want dh's surname for other reasons.. When we got engaged I changed my surname to dp's first name..
We had a dc. First name then dh's first name as surname same as me.

My husband’s surname is very similar and my surname is wonderfully common. I didn’t take his surname.

I’m due our first baby now. We haven’t fully agreed what surname we’ll use but it’ll probably be both but not hyphenated. We’re leaning towards whichever is the main surname, they do all the school admin. So if DH wants his name used as the main name, he can join the school WhatsApp group and fill out the admission forms. Otherwise it’s my name. Hopefully the kid will have enough sense to drop DH’s surname and use mine!

Despite my issues with DHs surname, it’s also very unique. I think my common surname is better in an increasingly digital age as it provides a bit more anonymity. However, surnames is just the top of the iceberg for us as the minute as I’m due in a couple of weeks and our list for first names is non-existent. I’m leaning towards just giving them one name, like Madonna or Prince or Batman.

My in-laws are also really traditional. However, they also know their son decided to marry someone slightly less traditional than themselves. They encouraged him to make his own decisions and in the consequence of that. I think initially there can be some hurt feelings but eventually my in-laws have to come realise I’ve not done it maliciously. It’s important for you to do what is right for you. Let your in-laws whinge, you (your future children) have to live with the name.

I should tell you all Cockburn is pronounced Coburn. Just in case people (of course not like me and happened to call a CEO that) don’t know.

I went to school with a lad whose surname is Wanklin. There were only so many smirks and jokes at the name, before they stopped. Kids find something to laugh at about everyone.

He is on FB, his wife took his surname and his kids are all mini Wanklins too. They can’t be that bothered by what others think is embarrassing.

Either just keep your name or make up a new one. The Royal Family does it all the time, why should you be any different?!

@Krakenchorus

What a fucking depressing post. Sorry to be harsh, OP, but where us your self-respect or at least your spine? You do not want his name. You do not want his children to have his name. But you are so desperately concerned about his man-feelings that you ready to bury your own, before you are even married. Is this going to be the format for your marriage? You have to be kind to everyone but yourself? Your valid concerns come a distant second to his potential discomfort?

Why isn't he concerned about YOU being offended? Why isn't he suggesting that if a family name is important to you, then he will take yours? Is an outdated tradition more important than his wife?

Good luck to you, truly. But please do not start your married life as a doormat, afraid to raise issues that matter to you for fear of offending him.

Excellent post, completely agree.

What if he wants to have the same surname as his children?

Oh for goodness sake what about the fact that you want to have the same surname as the children?

Its 2021. You are not a subunit of your future husband, keep your own name if you want to. He can take your name, he can keep his own that is up to him just as your name is up to you.

You can double up for the children or choose a completely new family name or use his name as a middle name or have half the children in one name and half in the other. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and the children can vary their own names when they grow up (as many do).

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

I get it - keep your name.

My surname is not totally regular eg richards or smith but is the kind of name when you book stuff on the phone people regularly "oooooh i love your surname, it has a beautiful ring to it."

My husband's surname is primarily constants and almost unpronouncable... not the name exactly but think along the lines of pronouned roughly as Smithley, spelled Cemyphli and people pronounce it as"....erm... ...see my filly...?"

I use my married name for unimportant things (amazon anď what not) but i got married in my mid 30s.
I didnt want his name (its crap! And mrs cemyphli is my awful mil) but mentally prepped myself.
In the end i couldnt be bothered with the effort and admin ( i have pensions insurances the mortgage 5 diff bank accounts etc etc) to make my life worse so didnt bother.

But we have agreed our baby will get his shit surname

Why oh why oh why?

I bet he's not that traditional as I guess he's having sex with you and living with you before marriage.

Keep your name. Kids have your name.

Yvette Cooper and Ed Balls gave their children mums name.

I was in your position nearly 20 years ago op. Stupidly, I took his awful name (and trust me, it’s worse than any Cock type name!). I have regretted it ever since. I cringe every time I have to give my (or my DCs) name, and I hide my ID badge at work. I’m planning on changing it back to my maiden name and adding his surname as an extra middle name.

Don’t try to have an official double barrelled name plus one you use day to day - works fine with first names and nicknames, but surnames are more complicated. I use my maiden name unofficially, and it causes me too much confusion! I can never remember which I’ve used where, and it always causes problems with banks etc. Also, you look like a right pillock when people think you can’t remember your own name.

Oh also, if he is so "traditional" that his man feelings are offended by his woman not being badged and labelled make damned sure you have pre marriage counseling or similar and discuss how you will navigate married life and raising a family.

Little things like how childcare and household responsibilities are shared, how finances are managed often make or break a marriage,

Since it's an anonymous forum and all... I must admit I judge women who took on a hideous name on marriage.

I'm thinking, You chose to be Mrs Cockgrope? I mean, were you desperate to get married? Have you never heard of feminism? Is your husband terrifyingly controlling maybe?

Apologies to all the Mrs Cockgropes out there. I'd never say it out loud.

I hope you never live in Penistone, S. Yorkshire!

You have been given plenty of options on here, but ultimately, if you can't just talk to your fiancé about this in an open and honest way without feeling like you have to have everything 100% sorted in your head first or worrying that you will offend him or his family, then walk away from this relationship right now. An embarrassing surname is frankly the least of your worries if this isn't something you can talk calmly and openly about.

This is such a non-issue. You don't have to change your surname, so don't.

Told my partner that I’d be keeping my own name (in fact refusing to marry) and any kids would also have my name. I said if he wanted kids to have his name he could grow them and squeeze them out.

As a child my dentist was a Mr Cockburn. My 8-year old self didn't know it was pronounced 'co-burn' when I loudly asked the receptionist if I could go in yet.

I didn’t change my surname when I got married, it’s not a requirement. For children though you must come to an agreement and tell him you are unhappy about his name for your children.

If it's Hiscock it's an old English surname.

Pronounced Hiss cock.

I'd never thought of it as embarrassing but in my day the word cock meant male chicken!

It made me think back to a comment I'd seen online years ago.

This lady who must have loved her husband. Her name was Fanny and her married name was Fidler.

www.google.co.uk/search?q=fanny+fiddler&client=safari&hl=en-gb&prmd=isvxn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjf5I7d4oD0AhXCilwKHVRjAbkQ_AUoAXoECAIQAQ&biw=320&bih=511&dpr=3#imgrc=1M5vWB-Y7ApJBM